So lately, my old crush just suddenly appeared in my dreams twice.
Oh well, once was she was with me at school interacting like I can't even remember what I exactly did. But one thing's for sure is that we are interacting and I can still remember the feeling: It was pure, euphoric feeling of being valued and appreciated... and yeah, I woke up and felt a slight disappointment realizing it was just a dream. But I remember myself, it was just a dream, even tho I wanted that feeling back I had to return myself to the reality of here and now.
Of course, it's not the first time I ever dreamt of her. Those days back then? I would immediately hit a Google search about that dream asking if... maybe she was thinking of me? Oh self, how naïve of I to think of that? But if this is something you'd do? You're not alone. I hear you.
But now growing up? I know it never always meant literally. I thought maybe it's just a dream's manifestation for me to communicate something from the past. You see I would read those dream interpretations about old crushes saying that maybe I still have unresolved issues or moments in the past. Yeah it probably is. But regardless of what happens now? Life's different dear. We're no longer falling that. And just forgot about it.
I thought it was the end of it, and then I fell asleep later that afternoon. And then another dream...
There she goes again, appeared on a different plot. That same person with a different person, but she was like being a participant on a beauty contest or some talent showcase portion and she was presented a piece that I can't even remember. But the feeling was hilarious and entertaining and that itself was a performance as if the feeling was like "You're actually fun to be with and I admire your cheerfulness. I want to get to know you more."
And I woke up again, leaving by that same curiosity of her appearing again, cause I hardly remember anyone appearing on the two consecutive dreams twice and being so vivid.
But I considered it again like it was really telling me something.
You never actually missed her. You just missed that old part of you that only knew attraction and admiration matters in this world. And she carried that memory.
Yes, as if feelings have their own memory of our experiences in life. Even when we can't actually verbalize it? It seems life has their own way of making you reminisce them.
For a moment, as I was typing these words, I feel a bit of angst in me. Reality is far from what it is know. No, I never actually wanted her back. I only wanted to relive that past self of me that believed in caring for something so purely. I don't care if it's a person or cause. Caring requires some vulnerability that is never tainted by pride or ego.
Maybe that part of me is being challenged. And a call that hey, you are this kind of person before admiring for this person. And how did you feel? Just pure, infatuous attraction. It might be just infatuation cause we were just kids but you know how it feels to admire someone unconditionally without any worries of do I look good? Am I good enough for her? None of those. You just appreciate by the feeling, and for you? That's more than enough. To have experienced the feeling proves you are still a human, and maybe it was my dream's call to call it back 'cause it will make you more whole as a person.
They say dreams act as messengers of what your internal subconscious is actually telling you, and maybe? It is. At that point, I just felt pure bliss. Did I actually want the person? I don't think so. I hardly remember any mention of her specific trait that allured me. I just wanted the presence of her being there, and I already enjoyed the moment.
Honestly? Having the need to be romantically involved with someone just to experience the person was a LIE. It just feels... utilitarian and exploitative. Why not we let our feelings speak for ourselves?
So it does sounds like romance but why am I actively avoiding its use to describe it? Well if we go strict on it, then yes, this is actually a form of romance. But right now in the modern times? Romance just feels inauthentic or commercialized. With these too much repetitive tropes of romantic stories, it just becomes too predictable and scripted. The actions are there, but the emotions are never actually felt... it doesn't feel human enough.
The concept of true care and admiration is just becoming more thinner and less apparent. We just relied on quick satisfactions rather than deep connections, and this is what the world is starving for. But it's what is desperately needed to make the world a little bit better.
Another thought that may seem to support why my dream might be a message is that right now, I'm now getting old you know. 20's just feels kinda rough time to grow up, with a lot of things to develop in you and of course opportunities to learn and explore on life while you can. Reality hits that... it's not always sunshines and beds of roses.
To that old crush of mine? We may never meet again and if you happened to see this which I hoped you would, I appreciate your presence even for a short while. It was a phase after all, but it was never JUST a phase. It was a mirror to the hidden parts of me that I never know I needed.
Yeah, of course, human as I am. If you ask me? I still feel a bit of sadness right now as I type these words. Actually maybe "melancholy" was the right word. 'Cause you see that part of childhood? I must still admit it was worthwhile. At least I know myself how I fall in love. And it was really deep, and of course, it is dangerous and can take a toll to my emotional health if the person doesn't feel the same.
Oh well, it really doesn't matter if that old crush feels the same way or not now. What matters is at least we see a part of us in how we admire someone. I got different priorities now that I focus on and it's the least of my worries. For some, it may feel like a "hugot" or "sadboy" post, but to me? With the years of experience I have so far, it was worth keeping. It was a part of me that became socially and emotionally curious. I know I have the ability to fall in love purely, and that's what makes me human. Capable to be in tune with others' feelings even tho I might not express it outwardly.
I chose to express it by my thoughts.
And perhaps to anyone who may find themselves dreaming about your past crushes? We have to burst our bubbles here. Nah, she or he ain't necessarily thinking of you. It was a mirror of your past self. How did you fell in love back then? Perhaps that feeling is what would make you more whole of you and a mirror of your truest, raw self.
ns216.73.216.10da2
and then Add to home screen.