While I was thinking about these and watching him in the opposite seat, Cenk woke up and smiled
‘Are you watching me, my dear.’ He stood up and came to me and lay down on my knees. I counted to 10’ so I wouldn't strangle him and with a fake smile,
“Yes my love, I looked at you and thought what a lucky woman I was. Saying that you are both a good husband and a good father, I'm glad to have you “, I hurriedly kissed his cheek and went to the bathroom. I was sure he was scratching his head in distress behind my back.
When I came to school, students started coming, some of them were going to their classes and some of them having breakfast in the cafeteria. Without stopping anywhere else, I went to my classroom and started preparing the materials needed for my lesson. At that moment, Leyla entered and started questioning me.
“Good morning darling. Yes, I'm listening to you. For God's sake, I called you because you were gone, but you didn't answer my calls, you wouldn't do such things. Tell me now, what's going on?”
“Good morning, Leyla. OK, calm down. Nothing important, I was a little uncomfortable and took time off to rest, nothing else that much. I couldn't answer your calls because I was always asleep.”
Leyla looked at me from head to toe with those big green eyes and, unconvinced,
“I know you, Suna. You don't look like you've lived up to the excuses you're telling me right now. You look more emotionally devastated. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay, but remember, I'm with you no matter what. You are not alone dear.”
This speech of Leyla completely turned my shattered emotions upside down and caused my tears to flow involuntarily. Suddenly I started to shake and cry. I was crying so much the whole school might have heard it. Thank God, my first two classes in the morning were free and no one came to class. Leyla got very worried and quickly closed and locked the door.
“Suna okay dear, come here. Okay, it's over, dear”
She hugged me like a child and didn't say anything until I calmed down. When I stopped crying and came to my senses for a while, she lifted my head on her shoulder.
“If you're ready now, I'm listening to you, dear.”
Of yesterday's events, I only told her what happened with Cenk. When I finished speaking, Leyla swore a swear word with all her anger
“How could he can do such a thing? You're sure, aren't you, Suna, the man in those photos and video is Cenk. Is there any playing? You know, they do everything with computers now.”
“I don't know dear, I'll take a look. I need to be sure and act wisely. He is not only my husband but also my daughter's father. If it were just the two of us, there would be so many things I would do, but now I can't. I have to meet this man all the time for my daughter. That's why my separation should not disrupt our cooperation. I have to do something so that he feels so bad and we don't have to fall out. I will start by finding a good lawyer, learn the legal processes and make a plan accordingly.”
“I really admire you Suna, you are acting with logic again and trying to make things right. If I were you, I would have been hospitalized already.
Look, I have a friend, Tuna. He is a very good divorce lawyer. Talk to him if you want, if you don't like him, we can look for different lawyer.”
“That would be great, dear. I don't know any lawyers. We are going on semester break today, thank God, so I can handle these things comfortably. My dear Leyla, thank you very much, I'm glad to have you.”
I gave my friend a big hug.
“You're welcome, my beautiful friend, shame on the one who cheated on a woman like you. I will be around during the holiday. If you need anything, you can contact me at any time. You can even stay with me if you want to distract him.”
“Okay dear, keep that in mind, of course I will reach you. Be sure to contact me and don't think that if you need anything. You are my spiritual sister, I will come no matter what.”
“Don't worry, I will disturb you a lot. I can't stop, I'm curious about your situation.”
The bell rang and we started our lessons. We attended classes for the rest of the day and handed out report cards to students. When the work was done, I came home and threw myself into bed. It was very good to tell Leyla what happened and make progress. I literally passed out because of her comfort and fatigue.
When I opened my eyes, Cenk and Elif's laughter was coming from the livingroom. I looked at the phone and saw that it was ten o'clock in the evening. I had been sleeping for about 6 hours. I woke up dazed and washed my face and went to the living room. When Elif saw me,
“Mom, you're awake. My father said you should rest because you are so tired. Are you rested now, are you okay?”
“My dear, your father was right, it was a busy day and I was very tired. I didn't even hear you coming. But I'm very well now and we can play games with you if you want”
“Of course I want it, mom.”she jumped on my neck. Meanwhile, Cenk called from the seat.
“If you're hungry, let's say something, darling. When you didn't wake up, we ordered pizza and ate it with Elif”
I said “No, I'm not hungry, just drinking a coffee will be enough” and made myself a coffee. After playing with my daughter for about half an hour, I put her to sleep and started making plans about what I would do while I Cenk was sleeping.
Elif was with me because the next day was a holiday. Of course, after sleeping so much yesterday, I couldn't sleep again all night. When I tried to rest my eyes for a while, it was 5 in the morning. I had to get sleep in order as soon as possible, and if it wasn't, I had to get sleeping pills from the doctor. Because when my sleep pattern was disrupted, I was physically and spiritually depressed. When I opened my eyes again, it was 7’ o'clock. Cenk woke up and was getting ready to go to work. I watched him. It was impossible not to look at him and get aroused. When these features, which took my breath away at first, later stopped working, I didn't even feel like looking at him. Did he cheat on me because my desire for him was over?
He got dressed as he looked at him like this, and when he turned around, he startled when he saw me. With a suspicious and cowardly expression on his face,
“Are you okay, my dear, you have been really weird for two days. Is there a reason you're always watching me and acting weird? Can you tell me what's going on?”
The game had begun, I felt a strange pleasure in this situation and enjoyed weaving a web around it with my words like a spider playing with its prey. I looked at him lustfully, and after going up to him and kissing him hot and hard on the lips,
“Do you think it's weird watching my handsome husband naked, baby. I guess I'm not going to watch anyone else with a husband like this, am I?’ So, wouldn't you want to watch me if I were naked”, I said and took off my nightgown in one fell swoop. Okay, I wasn't long-legged or big-ass like the woman he made love with, but I was also a woman that could be desired by most men. I was 170 tall and 60 kilos. I had long brown hair and eyes, full lips, big breasts and a flat stomach, thin legs. The men I met said that I radiated an energy that was particularly sexually attractive. Cenk used to say it too at first.
Cenk was surprised at first. “Don't I ever want to, my love. I can always watch you.”He said and started kissing my lips and then my neck. I made a fake giggle sound and took myself away from him and put my nightgown back on.
“Elif wakes up now, dear. You know, we are on term break. I haven't been to my mother's for a long time. I'm going to my mother's today, maybe I'll stay for a few days, I don't know. FYI.”
He was left disappointed and erect. He was about to say something, but he gave up and took his jacket and he turned to me while I was packing my things and,
“ If you want, wait today, let's go together tomorrow, then if you want to stay, I'll come back and you can stay.”
“No dear, don't bother. You work hard anyway, you can rest tomorrow while we're away. I go”
“Well, if you say so. But if you want me to come, be sure to tell me and I will come right away, okay?”
“Okay darling. Good luck to you. Don't tire yourself too much.”
He took his key and left. After he left, I started to feel nauseous again. What a disgusting creature this nation of men were that they could have sex with more than one woman and still remain passionate. When I tried to seduce Cenk, I wanted to see if his desire for me had ended, but the man was in a bad mood and if I had left him, he would have been there with me. However, there were times during my pregnancy and afterwards when I almost begged to be with him. We had spent months with the fear that something would happen to the child during my pregnancy, then he fear that Elif would suddenly wake up and see us. Afterwards, I didn’t want him and when he tried to approach me, I often used my tiredness as an excuse. Of course, the voice started talking;
“You alienate the man from sex and then rebel because he cheated on you. My dear, men are like this, when they don't get attention, they go to someone else. It's your fault, you couldn't keep the man. Although it is unknown whether you wanted to keep it, but whatever. You're tired of him, you have nothing left to share, you want to get rid of him now.”
I had no intention of answering the voice and arguing, so I went to the kitchen, opened a song on the phone and started preparing breakfast. I hadn't eaten anything properly in two days and now I had to have a good breakfast and hit the road. I made egg bread and cheddar toast, which my daughter and I love very much, put fruit and orange juice for my daughter, and tea for myself and placed them on the table. Just as I was about to go to wake Elif, my sweet angel came into the hall rubbing her eyes and said
“Ohh, something smells so goog mommy. Did you make soft bread or something.”
“Yes baby, I thought you must miss it, I made egg rolls and toast.”
“You are wonderful, my dear mother. I love you very much.”
“I love you too, princess. Come on, let's have our breakfast. Then we'll go to your grandmother's. She missed you too”
We had our breakfast cheerfully and set out to go to my mother. My mother lived in a town 4 hours away from us. I spent my entire childhood in this town. Even though I have never loved this town for as long as I can remember, I missed these places, especially after the death of my father, or if what that man said was true, the man I thought was my father. I would go and spend time with my mother whenever I had time. My mother had always been someone I loved. But part of me couldn't forgive her. For years, my father's silence and helplessness about what he did to me caused my resentment towards him to always remain aside. For this reason even though I loved her, our relationship had been distant. After my father died, we became a little closer and spent more time. But this last incident reignited my anger, which was starting to pass. If what that man said was true, I was tortured by a stranger for years and was devastated to think that he was my father. It would be nice if there was a logical explanation for this, otherwise I didn't know if I could forgive my mother.
My mother was always a woman in the role of victim. When I came to my senses and asked her why she didn't leave my father, she would say that she didn't get along with her family, that she had nowhere to go and that she couldn't survive alone. However, my father would often come home drunk and torture her too. She called living this way life. It hurt so much that she stayed in that house with such excuses. I was even more angry with her, especially when I had a child. I would give my life for my daughter without hesitation, let alone struggle. If My husband had done something bad to my daughter, I would make him regret being born and I would never be sad about it!
Thank God I didn't have another sibling. I definitely wouldn't want him to see the torment I was experiencing. My anger towards my mother began to wear off when I began receiving treatment and realized that I had learned to look at it from different perspectives and that every person lived their life in different ways. With the doctor's advice, I listened to my mother's life from her and her relatives and learned that she also lived a very difficult life. She had never seen the love of her parents before, what a good mother she would be to me. she had always spent her life doing other people's work and taking on burdens. My grandfather saw my mother as a worker and started working when she was only 13 years old. Afterwards, they married my father and did not interfere with the rest. My mother spent her life feeling learned helplessness. Of course, it was not easy to give up the life one had lived since knowing oneself.
When I arrived in front of the house after 4 hours, I looked at my sleeping daughter in the rearview mirror. she had been playing games and watching things along the way and had succumbed to sleep in the last half hour. I didn't deliberately want her to sleep early because I wanted to be alone when talking to my mother. Now I had at least 2 hours to talk.
I got out of the car and knocked on the door. When my mother opened the door, she looked at me first with surprise and then with joy and hugged me.
‘Welcome my dear, what a nice surprise. I wish you had let me know, I would have prepared for you. Where is my beautiful grandchild, didn't you bring her? I miss my cotton so much.’
‘Hi mom, I decided to come at the last minute, so I didn't let you know. I brought Elif, she is sleeping in the car. She just fell asleep, you open the doors and I'll put her to bed so she can sleep for a while.’
I picked Elif up from the car and took her to the bedroom and put her to bed. When I was done, I saw my mother pouring tea in the kitchen and taking something to eat from the fridge. I sat at the table and waited for her to finish her work. Her face lit up when she turned around and saw me.
‘How nice of you to come, Suna, I was bored alone. I hope you stay for a few days.’
‘I don't know, I told mom Cenk I could stay, but you never know. Can you sit down for a while, I came here to talk to you. Let's talk before Elif wakes up so she doesn't get interrupted later.’
She sat on the chair in front of me and said curiously
‘Okey dear what is the matter? Nothing bad, right?’
‘I don't know it is good or bad? It's so complicated that I don't know what I feel anymore.’
‘Oh my God, tell me, my dear, what is this issue?’
‘Who is Kemal Öz, mother?’
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