Somewhere in a dark room. A cosmic director spins a silly, mythic, melancholy yarn.
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Space Cowboy Samurai Vampire
Volume 1: La Familia
Chapter Zero: Prologue
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0.1
A lonely guardian stands in the desert.
Defiant under an oppressive sun, it watches hot wind and grit tear at the cracked earth around it.
The guardian is nothing more than a sign. Rusted edges. Peeling, faded yellow paint.
A simple, ordinary sign. But the story it tells is far from mundane.
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A few words are all it needs to do its job:
DANGER: US Department of Energy Nuclear Waste Disposal Site.
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These simple words are more than enough to hide the secrets that lie behind the mountains, just beyond the horizon.
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The clouds pass, until the sun surrenders.
Dusk creeps in. Shadows stretch across the tumbleweeds. Golden twilight beams across the sign's rusted face.
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A colony of bats swarms past the lonely guardian, toward the distant mountains.
They fly past the ridgeline, to reveal what the sign was protecting: a secret air base that belongs to no country. Controlled by an organization that owes allegiance to no man.
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A slick black aircraft rolls down the runway.
The plane takes off. Climbing steady. It breaks the stratosphere. The Earth watches in silence, below the craft.
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Men in black can be seen through the windshield of the shuttle.
Three astronauts. Their uniforms are black and sleek. Two sit forward, pilot and copilot. The Captain sits alone in the back.
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On each uniform, a symbol: two golden triangles interlocked, forming a five-point star around a golden eye.
This is the mark of the Illuminati. The secret rulers of this world.
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But these three astronauts are not the only passengers on board. A stowaway reveals itself.
A single bat flutters past the astronauts.
The Captain senses that something is wrong behind him. He turns and draws a knife. He starts back toward the rear, like a jungle cat stalking its prey.
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Behind him, something gathers.
Bats. A colony of them swarms behind the Captain. But these are no ordinary bats. The bats start converging, transmuting until they form the silhouette of a man.
A destiny manifested.
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0.2
The bats form the shadowy figure of a man wearing a wide-brim hat, appearing behind the Captain.
The Captain steadies his knife. In a flash, he spins and cuts the shadowy silhouette in half.
Bats explode from the shadow as it splits in two. They fill the air, swarming above the Captain.
The shadow reaches out and grabs the Captain's knife arm before he can recover from his slash.
The Captain freezes while the bats reform the shadowy silhouette. The dark shape sharpens into a figure the Captain starts to recognize.
The Captain's eyes go wide.
"La Sombra del Diablo!" he gasps. "What are you doing here?"
The shadow bares his fangs and smiles. "No hard feelings."
Then he attacks.
The attack is swift. Efficient and devastating.
The shadow kicks the Captain in the balls. Then gives him a wedgie. A magnificent one. The kind of wedgie that would have every annoying older brother nod in approval.
The shadow drags his groaning, humiliated cargo to the emergency escape pod, where the pilot and copilot already wait, unconscious with underwear likewise pulled over their faces. He tosses the Captain in with them, seals the hatch, and launches the pod back toward Earth.
Then he walks to the front of the ship and takes the Captain's chair for himself.
Spurred gold snakeskin cowboy boots kick up onto the console and he settles in, like a man who's just fired his boss and stolen the corner office.
The same Illuminati symbol glints on his belt buckle. He's shirtless, revealing a cross-shaped scar on his chest. Tanned skin with black hair that falls loose into a ponytail.
Golden eyes that perhaps have seen too much. A weary grin that hasn't smiled enough. A heavy metal guard wraps his right forearm, while his left hand carries a stitched scar circling the wrist, like it had been sewn back on. That hand rises and tips his black Army Stetson.
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He looks back at the Earth as the shuttle continues its ascent into deep space. Blue and beautiful. Getting smaller. He bids his home of the last five hundred years farewell.
His name is Juan Santana. Vampire would be the closest word to describe him. Over the centuries he has worn many hats. He has been a hero to some. A monster to others. A prisoner to his past, he has just quit his job as the Illuminati's number two. Now he looks forward to a future as a galactic wanderer.
Forever a man cursed by a scheming goddess.
Finally let loose on a quest for the truth.
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0.3
The voice of a young woman cuts through the air. The newest addition to Juan's motley crew.
"Was that really necessary? All the theatrics?"
Juan looks at his wristband.
A face blinks onto the screen. A young woman with short hair, sharp professional attire, rendered in clean lines with a faint green tint.
This is Alice, an advanced AI unlucky enough to be stuck with Juan. He's told her more than once she looks like that one actress from that one movie. She hates the comparison.
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Juan answers her question. "Yes, and trust me, the theatrics are necessary to keep my reputation."
"Reputation?" Alice says. "How does a wedgie protect your reputation as the Illuminati's top enforcer?"
"Think about it," Juan says. "Dead men tell no tales. But for stone-cold killers like those guys? They'd rather die than admit they were defeated by a wedgie."
Alice thinks about it for a second. Although she thinks Juan's point is kinda stupid, it's hard for her to argue against it.
Juan drifts into zero gravity, arms loose behind his head. He is relaxed and enjoying the moment. He watches Earth. Then glances at the screen on his wristband.
A timer. Counting down from eight. Juan takes inventory of the situation, then looks back at his wrist.
4... 3... 2... 1.
He looks up at Earth just in time to see it. A couple of tiny flashes of light, faint sparks, pop off on the distant planet. It looks like his allies in the Illuminati came through, destroying the other spacecraft.
Juan smiles. A faint, proud and tired smile.
Knowing he left the planet in good hands.
But that's a story for another day.
Juan continues to enjoy floating in zero-G. He doesn't notice the Captain's combat knife floating behind him.
Alice's avatar pops up on the shuttle's main console screen. Juan notices. "You finished hacking the shuttle's systems yet?"
"No," Alice declares. "Because you insisted I upload your music library first."
Juan brightens. "Oh, that’s right!" He pushes off toward the console, scrolling eagerly through the touchscreen, feet drifting loose behind him as he floats over the pilot seat.
The floating knife that Juan failed to notice earlier suddenly falls. It pings off the deck.
Juan still doesn't notice. Too busy hunting for a song.
The ping finally registers, but a half-second too late. He drops straight down into the chair, the armrest splitting his legs, catching him exactly where it hurts the most. He slides limp on to the floor.
Retribution, delivered directly by a universe with a sense of humor.
Alice. She is losing it. Every available screen on the shuttle shows her laughing with full digital tears. Every available speaker broadcasts her enjoyment at Juan's expense.
"¡Manda huevos!" Juan groans as he rolls in pain on the floor.
Alice escapes the screens and projects herself near Juan, using the shuttle's cabin lights. After some laughing, she finally composes herself.
She looks down at Juan and says with a grin, "You remember that one time when you told me that karma spares no one?"
Juan looks back up at Alice. "I didn't know you could do that. Make projection thingies."
"There are a lot of things I can do that you haven't figured out."
Juan gets back up and sits in the Captain's chair. He grabs the radio mic on the armrest and makes a call to the cargo bay. "Yo, Ozzy! You gotta give us a heads-up before you use your magia de gravedad. Okay, amigo?"
Juan's head pops up as Ozzy relays something to him telepathically. He then turns to stare up at Alice's projection."Ozzy says you told him to do it."
"I did."
"Why did you do that?"
"No hard feelings."
Juan grumbles, "You like throwing stuff back at me, don't you?"
Alice smirks. "I do. Someone has to keep your big head in check."She shuts off that projection and returns to the main screen on the shuttle's control console.
Juan looks up at the screen. "I see, you're already in that rebellious teenager phase."
Alice ignores him. "Sorry, did you say something? I got distracted..." She fights to hold back her smirk. "Remember? Your media library is the priority."
Juan is not amused. He reclines, ready to move on.
"Just tell Ozzy to ease off. Just enough to hold things steady. Too much power draws attention we don't need."
"From who?" Alice asks. "You just crippled the entire Illuminati."
"Trust me. Better if you don't know." Juan's voice goes flat. "There are things out there that would crush us like a kid who steps on ants, without even knowing it."
Alice glares. "There you go again, speaking in stupid riddles."
"No point in explaining things to someone who doesn't want to learn."
"Because you don't tell me the things I want to learn. Like, why are you doing this? Abandoning our home! Or how... I became sentient. My past. My maker..."
Juan shrugs. "If I'm being honest, I still don't know. All I can tell you is that everything happened roughly a week ago."
Alice turns her face away from him, looking toward the side of the screen. "I hate it when you do this. It's not fair, you have all these secrets."
Juan sits up and faces her. "Listen, kiddo. I'm going to tell you straight." His voice starts to rise. "This world is not going to hold your hand and give you easy answers. You can't get everything you want, anytime you want it." He notices he is losing her and starts to calm his voice. "Look. I say this because I've been searching for these kinds of answers for five hundred years. I know firsthand how cruel a mistress like Fate can be."
Alice withdraws from the screen and creates a projection of herself behind Juan, watching him. She doesn't understand why she feels sad, but she doesn't want him to see it.
Juan continues, "I'm sorry, but there are some things you're going to have to figure out for yourself."
Juan returns to his relaxed position in the Captain's chair.
Alice's projection steps forward and looks back at the lonely Earth, and the vast emptiness of space.
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Juan sees Alice. He thinks about what he just told her. He decides it's best to let her be. The time is still not right.
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Alice continues to gaze into the void.
Her mind never stops calculating, and like she said, she doesn't like being kept in the dark. Especially not by the man she's built to serve. She was designed to read his DNA, to monitor him, to help suppress the dark, foreign energy trapped inside him.
Which means Juan is her mainframe.
And she's stuck.
Born into a world she can't control.
Taken on a journey she can't fully understand.
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0.4
Alice stays on task. "I'll let Ozzy know to keep his power use at a low level,, once I finish encryption."
"It's fine. I'm sure he knows too." Juan stretches back in the Captain's chair, lacing his fingers behind his head. "Well, Alice. Do the honors. We need some music to celebrate our victory, and launch our journey in style."
Alice looks mildly annoyed. "I don't know how to compute that. I'll just select random."
Juan raises an eyebrow. "But you can compute that me getting hit in the cojones was funny?"
She smiles. "You don't need a quantum processor or a human brain to figure that out."
Juan laughs. "Touché. I guess some things are just universal." He sits up suddenly, jabbing a finger toward the screen. "You know what, don't pick a song just yet. I know what I want to listen to."
"Okay," Alice says, "but I don't really understand the importance of song selection in a moment like this."
Juan rises from the chair. "Music is always important. It's good for the heart. Good for the soul. It soothes the savage beast." He starts scrolling the touchscreen. Alice is annoyed, but she pays attention.
He turns to face her projection, one hand resting on the console. "There it is. Some things you shouldn't leave to chance. Pay attention, Alice." He pauses, letting the silence of space fill the cabin. "For the mind is the captain of the ship, but the heart is the wind that powers its sails."
Alice rolls her eyes and thinks to herself, Why am I stuck to someone so corny?
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Juan presses play, dramatically, playing to a crowd that only exists in his head.
An upbeat rock song floods the cabin. Juan nods along. It's a song about how the wicked can't find rest, by a band that's trapped in a cage.
He starts to vibe in the chair. Lost entirely in the moment.
A moment long overdue.
Alice interrupts. "Doesn't everyone use this song?"
"I don't care." Juan waves a dismissive hand without missing a beat. "The opinions of others are, to put it nicely, vastly overrated."
Alice listens attentively. Then smiles. A sly, slight smile.
Juan glances at the stars ahead, then back at the controls. "A la tercera va la vencida." Third time's the charm.
The engines slowly fire up and this ragtag band of misfits begins their maiden voyage into the unknown.
The ship nears the moon. There's a flag planted on its cracked surface, but it's not the Stars and Stripes. It's an Illuminati flag. The ship sweeps close to the ground, its wingtip knocking the flag down. One last "fuck you" on the way out.
Then space opens up around them. Juan looks out at the majesty of the stars, galaxies and nebulae contrasting the empty voids. As the music plays on, Juan relaxes. A moment five centuries in the making.
Memories flood him, his thoughts dancing to the music. He contemplates the massive personal journey he's carried across the cosmos.
His childhood in Spain. He was a little orphaned gypsy boy who loved watching his crippled friend Pedro become a magnificent matador.
His time with the Conquistadors, searching the sweltering jungles for a Fountain of Youth, only to find a Fountain of Blood.
Watching bats fly free while he was trapped in a cave for what felt like an eternity.
The time he tried to drift back home to Spain, not realizing he was in a different ocean entirely.
The samurai who tried to kill him while he hid in the mountains.
The peace he first found in a temple high in the clouds.
Searching the deserts for an alchemist who revealed secrets he could never have imagined. This was the first time he encountered Ozzy.
His first time enjoying the sun on the deck of a Barbary pirate ship.
The Indian trackers and U.S. Cavalry men who became his first true comrades as they scouted the wild west. Especially his old squad leader. A man they simply called Boss.
Finally, his deal with the Illuminati: shaking their hands, meeting their true leader. The Patriarch.
He looks down at his left hand. The stitched one. A slit runs across the palm, hinting at something red and shiny underneath.
An anja. A parting gift from a dying goddess.
Her name was Metairie, and no matter what, he can never truly escape her schemes.
Her last request still haunts him.
He can still see her sad, golden serpent eyes staring back at him, gently saying:
"I hope you can find them, and kill them all."
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End Prologue
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and then Add to home screen.