ILLUSTRATION I — The Spoon
You look down at your reflection.
It looks back.
But why does it seem to know something you don't?35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV96RptipUx
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You have an explanation by lunchtime. You are not sleeping.
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People who do not sleep forget things. They see things.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8c1xmU0fZ
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It is a good explanation. You want to believe it.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITQbMEpWFq
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You try not to think about the way the person in the mirror looked at you. Its hands on the sink. Its eyes on your back.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KzJ70888n
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It looked frightened.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzewVoaD83t
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That is the part you cannot explain. What would your reflection be frightened of?
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You notice other things now.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrLlHqR201
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You cannot remember the journey to work. You never can.
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When you try, all you find are glimpses: your face in the dark window of the train, in a shop's glass door, in the polished wall of the lift.
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Your desk is easy to picture, but only the black window beside it, where your face floats over the city lights.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzJS3lemh3
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You cannot picture the colleague who sits next to you. Only the back of a head reflected in a screen.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITrr50i9f0
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At lunch, you look down at your spoon and see a small, curved face looking up at you. It is the clearest thing you remember all day.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5s4IpnytFZ
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You tell yourself this is what tiredness does.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYq6D8Uwbw
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Your sister calls at lunchtime. You watch her name until the call ends.
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Her message comes a minute later.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3n00t7PobP
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No interrogation. Promise. Just tell me you're all right.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvuipvqLFt
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You remember her waiting outside the school gates when you were little, pretending she had only stopped to tie her shoe.
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You can picture her bent over the laces. You cannot remember walking home beside her.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTELvxz5xl5
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You type, I'm all right.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNr7Gg31jcL
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You wait to feel better.
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That night, you decide to test it properly.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1luSN58e8I
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If your reflection is moving on its own, a camera will catch it. Cameras do not get tired.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdTz3ZvryT
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You prop your phone on the towel rail behind you, high up, so it can see the back of your head and the whole mirror in front of you.
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You press record.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJx9xWPoPJ
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Then you stand at the sink and do something no reflection could guess. You do not plan it. You decide each move at the last second.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioZ8LzQUJh
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You raise your right hand.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVsCIuMWyJh
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You touch your nose.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg6u9A0CML
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You tilt your head, and smile, and drop your hand.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6JwHPFNsZ
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Your reflection does all of it with you. Perfectly. Not one moment late.
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You stop the recording. Relief makes your knees weak.
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You sit on the edge of the bathtub and watch it, ready to laugh at yourself.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsK1iaH5DBj
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On the screen, you can see the back of your own head. Your shoulders. Your arms at your sides.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcH35Li8Jfy
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The figure in the mirror raises a hand.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaoVdYv1H3
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On the screen, the back of your head does not move.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0jmkMUIpk
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Your arms stay at your sides.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajkSx6Anlk
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In the mirror, your reflection touches its nose. Tilts its head. Smiles.
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The person standing in front of the mirror does not copy a single movement.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVOzMmxJUR
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While the reflection raises its hand, touches its nose, and smiles, the person remains still.
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Its hands hang at its sides.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRVUoyHoWi
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You remember raising your hand.
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You remember the smile.
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You felt your own face do it.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbU21TXKfZK
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You play the video again. And again.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunpnLNEA1f
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You pause the video.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpMWZGgJi6A
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In the mirror, behind the figure, you can see the towel rail.
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You look over your shoulder.
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The rail is there. You remember balancing the phone against the folded towel.
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In the recording, you can even see the towel reflected in the glass.
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But not the phone.
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You enlarge the image until the tiles dissolve into squares.
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There is nothing where the camera should be.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2mjLM2YOwO
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You play it once more, watching the end this time—the part after the smile.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1zUTAOAyG
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The person in front of the mirror leans towards the glass, very slowly, until its face is close to the face of the reflection.
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It is looking into the reflection's eyes. You cannot see its expression from behind.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoysNbEfhGZ
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But you can see its hands.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2NiC7KHPm
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They are shaking.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauof5vH8r1
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You put the phone down.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNmUaa0LYBV
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You think: I am losing control of my own body. I moved, and I did not know I was not moving.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1SytMUbTJI
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Or: I did not move, and I thought I did.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Tzqk8869S
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You are not sure which is worse.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQJmPc8D8jl
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You make a decision. If you cannot trust the mirror, you will not look into it at all.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡymm0ZQbPuD
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You find a bedsheet in the cupboard, and you lift it towards the mirror.35Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMA2CdodRe
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and then Add to home screen.