I never really got to express my real feelings to her. She was a great “friend”, if you asked me in the past. I never really realized how much everything was hurting me. I never realized that I was letting my heart get eaten away.
I wish I said, “you never cared about me. So why do you expect me to care about you every time?”. But I couldn't. I couldn't because I simply cared about her more than I should have.
Thinking back, I have lost count of the amount of hurtful words that she spew out of her mouth that pierced through me like a dagger. She worded out every single feeling that she felt at that time, and all I could do was listen — because I was scared. I was scared of ruining everything to the point that it could never be fixed again. But, everything was, in fact, never organised to begin with. We were the most toxic of pairs. Maybe that's why we never termed each other as “bestfriends”. Honestly, that word scares me. I was trying to deny it, but it was true.
I wish I told her about how I felt every time she used those words that stung me deeper than any poison could. I wish I said, “I hate you” instead of “I'll miss you” when she left.
And now, I can only ever write about it. I can only write about it until my fingers bleed and my throat feels dry and my head spins.
I hate you, Ankita.
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