Dear Diary,
As time goes on time-time grows rough but as time goes on it's the more i start hating on my past–self. Not out of guilt I don't know why but it's something that I can't forgive myself about. Something incredibly insane dunno what. But I am. I'm asking myself why am I guilty. It's like talking to someone else but I can't get the answer out. Why am I guilty? I didn't do anything. I've only felt guilty one time but then I asked for forgiveness. And when I got forgiveness I didn't feel guilty anymore. I become stress free.
So why am I guilty? You're not going to answer me but instead you want to give me something that I have to question myself about? I understand that guilt speaks but I'm not guilty even though I sound like it. What is it? What's hunting me? What's eating me up at night? Did I do something wrong? All these questions make my head spin. How can I see into someone else's future but can't even see mine's?
So, what am I so guilty about? Was it my past? Why am I conversing with myself In a writing? Am I going to mayhem? Maybe it's a part of me finding myself for the first time. Questioning my existence. What is my purpose? Maybe I need to take a break from the game. I found too much of myself that I needed too. I need to find myself. How did I get this far? Where am I? Was I supposed to do this? These are everyday questions that everyone has but never seems to answer them.
Maybe I need to go to therapy. That could clear my mind. But what use is it going to do that is going to solve nothing. Negative thoughts are starting to take a toll. This story I am writing is all about my mental or is it something else? It could be all of the above. But I want to share it with the world.
But what are you sharing to the world if you can't even find yourself? What are you sharing to the world if you can't even find out the guilt you have? Or is it love or passion that you had that is slowly fading away. That's the answer. My love and my passion is fading away. Thank you for finding my guilt. I found myself. I felt something change. My world just went quiet. I paused writing for a moment to see what was the answer. And it landed on the last answer. I see how my love of passion is fading away.
As much as i try to keep it. I lost it. The more I see it fading away I see myself as a lost soul. The soul that once had a lot of colors is now in grey and white. The soul that once had an idea that no longer has any. Or maybe I'm just afraid that I won't find a replacement for it. I paused for a moment. My mind went blank. And then I froze. I think I found it. After 4 years I've finally found it. Now I can be at peace. All I can say is thank you. I've found the art of true silence. I have to find out something about myself. Thank you. Truly diary. Thank you-self. Thank you everyone.
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