Nicholas’ POV
Three Days Later...
I couldn’t sleep.
Not that I usually could. Tonight was worse. My thoughts wouldn’t stop moving, so I rolled onto my side and stared at the ceiling. The room was dim; the light bled faintly through the curtains. My hands itched to do something, anything.
I got up, rubbed the stiffness from my shoulders, grabbed my boxing gloves, and tightened them. The air had felt heavier once I started moving. I threw punches at the punching bag, letting the rhythm run through me. It wasn’t enough.
I took off the gloves. My knuckles hit the wall, again and again, until I saw red. Still not enough.
So I tried the next possible thing. I sat at my desk, unrolled the map, and traced a line across the border. Trade routes, grain supplies, projected rations for the lower sectors. There had to be a way to make it work better, to make something work. The numbers blurred, but I kept drawing. At least here, things stayed where I put them.
The morning came fast; a woman in a maid outfit relayed information from my grandfather. I was called for a hearing with the council, again.
The emperor didn’t have any more to do than create baseless arguments. I was put off when I learned about what he planned.
What awaited me with the council wasn’t a query, nor my grandfather voicing his disdain. It was him taking action on what he’d once thought up.
“You thought you had no threats,” he said in the courtroom, which had no one but him in.
“What do you want to say to me?”
“We’ve decided your fate, the council and I. You are going to be judged soon enough, and when you fail, my other grandson will take your place as the heir.”
“You don’t have another grandson.”
“Your sister’s son seems plausible enough.”
“He’s just a kid,” I said.
“He’ll grow, and I’ll make sure he does so right.”
“Just like you made sure I did?”
“Your father gave you too much freedom.”
“You should get some too; you’re dying faster than you think.”
“I’ll live long enough to see my plans through.”
“Sure, you will.” I turned to leave.
“You also won’t be allowed to attend the meeting we’re having with Norway next week.”
I almost gaped at him. “I have a place there.”
“Your place is still under consideration. Don’t be too sure.”
I clicked my tongue, then looked around. I didn’t care to hear anything else he had to say. I left.
Then I went back to my room.
My father came in soon after, almost like he’d been watching for when I left the courtroom.
I have no memory of my father entering my room. He’d never done so before. If he needed my attention with anything, which he usually didn’t, he would send for me.
“Welcome to my humble abode, Your Highness.”
“Nicholas,” he started. He paused immediately after, trying to choose his words. “You care about your sister, don’t you?”
“Yes. I do.”
“And you know that all I want is for her and her family to not be involved in this.”
“We both want that.”
“You remember what I used to tell you, right?”
“That I was born to protect and rule? Yeah.”
“Now I want you to prove that to the emperor. Prove him wrong. Prove that that’s your place.”
“That’s the plan. Anything else?”
“I’m still trying to get the Baron and Viscount on board. Once I get that, you’ll get all the backing you need.”
“The Baron,” I said under my breath. “You really would do anything for your daughter.”
“She’s my baby.”
And I’m your heir. “When you’ve gotten what you need, you know where to find me.” I turned away, letting him excuse himself.
I felt horrible. I knew why I did. But I chose not to think about it.
I messaged Lucas whenever I wanted to distract myself. But five words from him were enough for me to not want to send a thing.
“You know what I want.”
Oh, I do. I’ve always known. Everyone wants the same thing. I thought I accepted that already.
I shouldn’t have been surprised, nor should I have been hurt by it. But it reminded me of Jay more than anything else had in a long time. That, and my father saying he was getting the Baron on board.
I went to the academy after; it was still my responsibility to go. Every morning after I woke up or spent the night with the silence of my desk, I had to do the same set of things to do.
Presence in the palace, presence in the academy, interaction, contributions, and conformation. Physical training, decision-making, geography, politics, history — they were on a loop. Every day I learned something new, something useless.
Something to conform to their standard of “perfect.” Something that would cleanse me of my undoings.
It would be a lie to say I have never wanted to run away from it, leave it all behind. But who would I be without it? It was my place to keep and no one else’s.
The Inner Garden, a safe space, a secluded area where I could breathe air, where I could relax. A place that was nowhere near Lucas but had the calming presence he always had.
“You know what I want.”
It should be a red flag. It should be enough reason to know my place. It should make me not want to see him.
But I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop wishing I had him with me. I can’t stop thinking of my hands in his.
What are you doing to me, Lucas?
I needed to do something productive, but I wasn’t in the palace. I couldn’t sit at my desk. So I chose to read something in the Inner Garden instead.
I flipped a coin to choose what it would be. History or geography? The coin landed on tails; history it was.
I got some books and was on my way. On my way to get the air and the distraction I needed.
So when Lucas stood in my way, it was more annoying than disturbing.
I wanted to see him didn’t mean I wanted to see him.
I saw him didn’t erase how I felt in that moment. How I felt over the three days of processing five words from him.
I wanted to walk past him, but I also wanted him in my arms.
I chose to do nothing. I chose to wait, to see what he’d do instead.
And he grabbed me by my arm. He took me to the Inner Garden. He took the books from my hands and placed them on a platform.
I made no effort to change my stance. He held my arm, nonetheless.
Then he placed his other hand behind my neck, and he gave a light squeeze. Gentle, like it would harm me if he did it any differently.
His hand was colder than normal, and I was almost happy that I got to warm it up.
Almost.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he led my forehead to his.
He squeezed behind my neck more.
“Please look at me,” he said, then kissed me lightly. One peck.
“Please talk to me,” he gave another.
“Please hold me,” and another.
With each, I was melting into it. Wishing I hadn’t let him touch me to begin with, but all I wanted was his touch.
“Please… I’m sorry,” he said. I drew back.
I placed my hands on his face; my thumb traced his cheek. “You really want me to look at you?”
He nodded.
“Talk to you?”
He nodded again.
“Hold you?”
He nodded for the third time. I traced my thumb over his lips.
“Use your words, Lucas.”
“Yes.”
And in that moment, I lost it. I lost every bit of restraint I had.
My lips fell on his.
I kissed him.
I kissed him the way I had always imagined, the way I’d been wanting to. With no restraint, no regrets, just honesty and desire.
What I feared the most was happening; I was falling for the man that would destroy me.
ns216.73.216.141da2
and then Add to home screen.