53Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnbcItaz7BOur paths first crossed when we were little, drifting through the simple, unclouded days of childhood. You were just like any other kid in the neighborhood until, one day, something shifted. Without warning, you became different from everyone else in my eyes—a focal point in a crowded room, a sudden change in the atmosphere.
I was incredibly careful to hide my feelings, even then. We were so many things to one another: friends, competitors, neighbours, and playmates. We shared the same pavement and the same local sun. Even before I was old enough to understand the adult concept of risk management, I felt an innate fear of tipping the balance too far. I sensed that if I spoke the truth, the fragile equilibrium of our world would shatter. That was why I kept it completely to myself, burying my secrets under the guise of ordinary friendship.
We were so close back then. I still vividly remember sitting right next to each other at school events, the air thick with the noise of other children. Our shoulders touched on a hot, humid summer day, and in that moment, I realized the heat and sweat were not as stifling as I once thought. There was a strange comfort in that shared space, a quiet electricity that made the discomfort of the weather vanish. Was I the only one who felt that way?
We drifted apart as we grew older, a slow tide pulling us in different directions. Although we attended the same school, we were assigned to different classes, separated by hallways and schedules. We were likely overwhelmed, trying to establish our own identities in a new, demanding environment. Surrounded by new circles of friends, we weren’t given the chance to talk—yet even in the busiest corridors, I still tried to catch a glimpse of your shadow from the corner of my eye, looking for a familiar silhouette in the crowd.
We eventually dated others, moved on to higher education, and migrated to different countries, putting oceans and years between our lives. Still, you never faded from my memory. You remained a ghost I carried with me, a quiet presence in the background of my adult life. Just as I had finally begun to pack away the heavy emotions I held for you, tucking them into the dusty corners of my mind, we met again.
We made small talk about our families, our careers, and the distant echoes of our childhoods. It brought all the bittersweet memories back to the surface with startling clarity. I still acted refrained and distant, carefully measuring my words and guarding my posture. I was worried that you might pick up even a single clue from my controlled expression.
I will never tell you that I have dreamt of you so many times throughout my life. Those dreams were so vivid that, in them, I finally found the courage to say everything I was trying to hide. Perhaps that was the only dimension where I could truly release the heavy emotions I have carried for so long. I wonder, have you ever let me set foot in your dreams all these years? Do I exist in your sleeping world as you do in mine?
Time goes by, and you are now just a name in my phone book and a profile on my social media friend list. Nothing more, nothing less. I have come to realize that this is the perfect distance between us; perhaps we can remain the "best" versions of ourselves if the veil is left untorn. You will always be perfect in my memory. The smile from your school-aged self still shines with a light that time can never dim.
My dear friend, I wish I could tell you how special you are to me. I was too pathetic to speak then, but in a way, I am glad that I was. If I had been braver, our quiet connection might have burned out or broken; instead, it remains preserved in amber. Otherwise, our mutual existence could have been totally erased from our consciousness by the friction of a real relationship or a mere rejection. Perhaps this is the perfect way to preserve our "friendship" until the end of time.
It is my utmost humble wish that I might also occupy the tiniest place in the depths of your heart. I hope that whenever you recall the dazzling moments of your childhood, I am still a part of those pictures—a quiet, constant figure standing just beside you in the sun.
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