In the year I spent with you, angel, the most random things reminded me of you. It was almost as if the world was written in such a way that it had reminders of you hidden in every corner. Every time I looked at those colourful wind chimes outside the canteen. Any purple flowers, really cute cats, the stars, the moon.
The moon.
I gazed out at the moon every night. A ball of whiteness, pure and bright. Soft and gentle. Even the shadows it bears on its surface seems ethereal.
Such a fitting reminder of you.
The purple flowers you liked the scent of in the park that day. The purple flowers I had confessed to have loved too. A white lie. Half a lie.
I loved them the second you said you did.
The purple flowers we picked off the grass near the bushes that day and made a haphazard bouquet out of. The purple flowers I handed to you and you blushed, flustered and grateful for.
"It smells sweet." you told me as we sat on the checkered blanket you had bought. "It isn't too strong but it's so sweet, I thought it was a fruit the first time I smelt it."
I chuckled, being careful as I served us slices of pastries. "You really love sweet things huh?"
"I don't really love them, I just prefer them."
"So you wouldn't eat these cakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner?" i had asked as i handed you your paper plate, you caught it with both your hands and frowned at me, "i would prefer to yes. That doesn't mean I'm obsessed with sweet things."
I had stopped myself from laughing then. Stopped myself from throwing my arms around you and squeezing you tight. Stopped myself from trying to put you in my pocket and run away, to keep you safe from the world. "I never said obsessed-"
"You meant it!" you had said through a spoonful of cake, "I'm not obsessed!"
"Yea yea," I had picked up the crumbs off your skirt as gently as I could so you wouldn't notice, "you're not obsessed. Careful with your precious cake."
You had mumbled something and taken another bite. A big bite. A bite that smeared frosting on the curve of your lip.
"Angel you got something on your-"
"Oh!" you had put your plate down hastily and reached up to your mouth, trying to feel your way to the frosting.
"Let me," I had reached forward, shifting closer in the process, and cupped your face in my hand. I had gently swiped my thumb on the frosting, I had gotten lost in your eyes for a moment.
Which is why I hadn't moved away till you cleared your throat and asked if I had gotten all of it. Yes, I had said shifting back, further away, I had gotten all of it I had replied.
"Looking like a clutz makes me look lame doesnt it?" you had a dust of pink on your cheeks i noticed while i mentally yelled at myself for making you uncomfortable.
I had snorted in response, "you should see me trying to simply walk around. Can you believe I have moments where I forget how to walk, and then pray im atleast pretending like I know what I'm doing well enough so no one notices I forgot how to walk."
"That sounds ridiculous!"
"I'm serious!" I had said a little louder, above your sweet, sweet laughter. "I honestly forget how to casually put one foot in front of the other. So many times I have walked into our dining table, I'm pretty sure it has a dent." I had moved your plate further away from you so you don't accidentally put your hand in as you laughed even louder.
"You have a terrible sense of humour, you know that." I had said, unable to keep myself from smiling at you.
"I don't see how that's a problem. I just laugh more than those who have a so-called great sense of humour." your voice was still laced with laughter. I hummed in agreement and handed your plate back to you.
"You aren't clumsy at all. In fact you're the least clumsy person I know. You're so careful all the time, I'm sure you wouldn't be friends with me if you saw how clumsy I am, generally, you know."
"Dont be silly! Of course I would."
"It's the same for me," I pushed the slice of cake around on my plate. I have honestly eaten enough confections with you for three lifetimes. I'm sure you're disagreeing with me as you read this. You're probably thinking something like 'enough doesn't exist' or something. If I was beside you right now I would be smiling so wide, so unfiltered my cheeks would hurt. Then I would agree with you. "You don't look lame to me in the slightest. In fact you're probably the coolest person I know."
You are the coolest person I know. I had corrected myself in my head. I wondered what you'd say if I said that out loud. Would it be too much for the moment? Would you simply disagree with me? Find me strange for saying that randomly?
"You're too nice to me Naia." you huffed and took another mouthful of cake. Crumbs fell. I picked them up. "I promise you're the nicer one among us."
Aster had come running towards us and jumped on me. You fell over laughing as you heard me struggle to get Aster off. It was a half hearted, one-sided struggle. I blame my obsession with your adorable laughter for that.
It was probably the most fun I had had in a long time. It had been ages since I simply sat around friends and talked about the most random things. I still do think you liking that random, terrible cartoon about a bald witch terrorising people who had hair is ridiculous. It is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I love it.
We were about to wind up in about half an hour, I think, when I caught a glimpse of her. She was walking around the trails, heading straight our way.
Very embarrassingly my first thought was Mrs. Penny was following us again.
It was a park. Anyone can come for a walk in the park. A terrible horrible coincidence. The stars had aligned so as to shower me with misfortune at every turn. I had that thought again then, that it was reaching you as well. What would you say if Mrs. Penny talked to you? And she tells you about me. About her son. About what had happened. Would you still be kind to me?
I suppose I'll never find out.
I had decided even that day, in the park that today would not be the day I found out. I would not let that part of my life reach you just yet. Just for a little while longer, I wanted to have you all for myself. I wanted you to think I was normal and everything was alright. Just a little while longer.
Incredibly selfish of me isn't it?
I got up and left in a rush that day because she got closer. I felt horrible, of course, for not helping you properly pack up. Just haphazardly dumping things in a basket. I felt horrible for not making sure you safely got home. I was the worst for not explaining myself.
It was a sort of primal instinct. I saw Mrs. Penny, and suddenly I couldn't move right again. My limbs were tied down with all the guilt, and when I pushed myself to move, I ran away.
I had crawled into my bed that day, after I had left the park. I had tried to sleep off the feelings of panic. The realisation that I had done the very same thing to you that had hurt him.
That had killed him.
For that I was gifted with the loveliest nightmares.
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