My nightmares were of the funeral. The night of his funeral. Perhaps it was late evening? I remember it being so terribly dark. I don't remember much else of that dream. Just that it was very dark in that funeral house. And Mrs. Penny was crying. She was shaking as she screamed out her grief beside her son's coffin. She cried and cried and cried. And I had to watch.
For the longest time.
It was awful.
When I woke up it was bright outside. My head was hurting and I was groggy and a little annoyed. I went about my day having a blinding headache, almost dropping my coffee on Liam on my way to our couch. Casey offered to make me some soup, or to go get painkillers. I refused and rolled myself on the couch, choosing to skip my classes for the day. I fell into another fitful sleep and by the time I woke up once more, it was dark once again.
Which is why you received that message so late. I have no excuse for my behaviour. It is honestly shameful to think simply seeing her around did that to me, but it did.
I never told you any of this. When I had texted you asking whether you got home safe and apologizing once again, I didn't want you to think anything was wrong. I prayed that the rubbish excuse I had made was convincing. That even if it wasn't convincing you would simply choose to believe it, and won't pry anymore. If you had asked, I would have to tell you. And whatever precious delicate thing we had would break.
I doubt I would have been able to handle that well then.
So I prayed you would spare me just one thing once. I prayed telling myself that I would tell you when the time is right. If you didn't understand me, I would try my best to respect that decision.
Casey had gotten me painkillers, dragging Liam and donuts along with him. "Movie time!" he announced and Liam sighed. "We have classes tomorrow morning don't we?"
"If that is your way of trying to escape, you have been caught sir." Casey had said, imitating a soldier. "What movie are we watching?" Liam had asked, reaching for a donut on our old, rocking coffee table.
"I'm glad you asked, comrade!" Liam balled a tissue paper and threw it in Casey's direction asking him to cut it out. He missed and Casey cackled as he fished out a dvd from our collection.
I had let out a breath and buried myself deeper into the couch.
I was home.
Things had to work out. There was no way things would stay the same as they were now. Maybe a day would come when I would only reminisce about all the guilt and nightmares.
Casey had picked a ridiculously sappy romantic film. Liam spent the entire night arguing with Casey about the choices the female lead made throughout the movie.
"One is willing to buy her a house and the other is willing to make her chairs! Chairs, Casey! Chairs!" Liam had leaned forward, trying to convince Casey.
"It's more than the money! He makes her happy!" Casey had yelled back, his eyes still wet from the confession scene.
"No he doesn't! I'll tell you what will make her happy. So much freaking money she can buy the store the chair guy works in."
"How on earth would that make her happy?" Casey had stolen the last donut making me start bickering with him.
I didn't even want the donut, I was just annoyed he hadn't asked me before he took the last piece. In the end we split it in half and I ended up feeding my piece to Liam.
The movie was terrible. Cassey cried and Liam silently judged him along with me. In my defence it was a very cringe movie. It was perhaps four in the morning, when Casey's silent sobs were turning not so silent as the main characters on the tv had a heated argument. All the usual dramatic flairs, you've heard it all. The female lead crying, the male lead crying, fate pulling them apart.
You had texted me then.
Before this our only texts had been to plan out the park date and ask if the other was coming to the next sculpture class.
Seeing the notification on my phone had made my hands slightly clammy. Please understand, I had prayed. Please.
'Hey! Of course it's alright. Thank you so much for coming. I really had a lot of fun. We should do this some time again.'
My heart had clenched for a million different reasons. The biggest one of them all being that I didn't deserve you. I had asked if you had reached home safe, if your cousin had found you.
Yes, you replied. You had called her and since she was in the area she dropped by pretty quickly.
I apologized for the hundredth time. You told me it was fine like it was your first time saying it.
The next day after all my classes for the day, I was in the lobby of your apartment complex, with a haphazard bouquet of purple flowers and a box of the sweetest looking cookies ever.
I did what I could, I decided. I would try this time.
I had called you for the first time that day, and had asked you to come down. You were confused and a little excited, I could tell by the way that the very last word of your sentence was a pitch higher.
In no time you were jogging yourself down and out the lobby, I met you half way.
"Music girl!" you had said, your cheeks slightly pink from hurrying over perhaps, "did you get me a bush of purple flowers?" you had laughed. "It's tickling my nose all the way here."
I sheepishly handed the bouquet to you, "No I just found it on the way, and remembered you like them. I also got your other favorite thing."
"You didn't have to. Really."
"The sweetest cookies. A box of the sweetest cookies. There's some chocolate in there too."
"You absolutely had to do this, thank you so much. I really, really appreciate it."
You had taken all the gifts I had for you, all the guilt stained gifts. Bundled them into your arms, and beamed back at me in gratitude.
I didn't deserve a second of your time.
You insisted I come up to your place, I refused as politely as I could. Telling you it was fine I had to head back soon anyway. For a few minutes only, you promised, you couldn't send me back empty handed after all this. It would saddened you so much you wouldn't be able to sleep, you told me.
I got led all the way inside the lobby and up the elevator to the 30th floor of that absurdly shiny apartment of yours.
In our ride over to the top, I couldn't help but wonder. Just stand there and get consumed by thinking how much I could have saved in the past if I had simply seen him more often.
I probably didn't have to bring him flowers, or the sweetest cookies.
Perhaps all I had to do was for once not run away.
_
Hello!!
My schedule has been a mess and I still blame the horrible schedule my college has given me.
(╥ ω ╥)
10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszg4lAVp0a
There is another project I've been terribly excited to work on so I will be rushing this publication.
I will be publishing two chapters every Sunday from the coming Sunday. (〃'𓎟'〃)
It will be the most hectic schedule ever, but this new story has been itching my brain and I really want to at least finish a solid part of this story before starting with the new one. (˶‾᷄ ⁻̫ ‾᷅˵)
So thank you again for choosing to read my story, it means the world to me.
ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚
Stay safe!
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