I had dreams. You knew of it. I had told you that day in the park. Dreams of everything I could have done right that day. Everything I could have done to save him. Everything I didn't do. Everything that ended up killing him.
We never knew. Not me, not Casey, not Liam. None of us knew. Perhaps if we had seen it coming it might have ruined us a little less.
You know what is a funny thing, angel? I didn't realize how much I had loved until he was gone. It was like I was born with this gaping hole in my chest. I was always vaguely aware of its presence. I would notice this emptiness in me more on days I spoke to people who had no clue such a thing even existed. Life seemed so easy for them, while I never really came close to understanding who I even was.
He was there then. Of course he was. He was always there. All the time I spent with the boys in their garage, practicing random songs, going out to have soda on sweltering summer evenings, that emptiness perhaps shrunk just a bit.
But he left.
I'm afraid that ever since he left, this gaping hole has split my body and mind in two. A wide rift of nothingness filling the space between.
I'm afraid all that's left of me is this nothingness. I'm afraid he took all the things you perhaps could have loved in me with him, he was what brought it out in the first place.
I'm afraid I am nothing now. That all those days, like today, I feel no difference in staying awake or sleeping, I feel myself slipping away a little. I feel that vast emptiness that is me now, and I simply lie down. Covering the emptiness and me in a blanket, turning over on my pillow and closing my eyes to welcome my nightmares once again.
I'm afraid this is what I deserve.
Or at least that was what I had spent a year doing.
The day before your class, I stayed up late looking into how to sculpt. How I could impress you. All of your achievements. All of your sculptures.
They were beautiful.
I was in awe of all of them. This unique rendition of waves in the sea, an empty playground. Your human figures and faces were my favorite ones. The emotions you captured in the faces, the agony and joy in your sculptures.
It was magic.
You really were magic, I had found myself thinking.
"Naia. dinner is served." Liam swung my room door wide open and left it that way. "It's gonna get cold if you don't come soon!" Casey shouted from the kitchen, I think, and I simply groaned.
"I like my food cold!" I had shouted back, pushing my chair out and getting up to go eat whatever they had made.
It had been a year since Liam had cooked. A year since we sat around the table. I wasn't sure who had initiated this, but I was glad. I was glad to see the boys were holding up better than I was. I was glad we were pulling ourselves back together.
"It's salty." Casey had made a face after a bite, and Liam had kicked him under the table making me snort and choke on the food.
We laughed for a bit that night, talking about our days. I had mentioned you, trying to seem not as taken by you as I felt. The boys said it was cool that I found a new interesting friend.
"Mrs. Penny wants to meet us." Liam had finally said.
There was silence for longer than needed before Casey spoke up, "I'm not sure that is a good idea. We barely got over what happened at the funeral. Meeting her again, just after moving is too soon-"
"I know." Liam set his fork down and rubbed a hand over his face. "I saw her around campus today. She was asking around for us. All three of us."
I set down my fork as well, trying my best to not show the way my guts were twisting into a knot on my face, "We paid off the compensation. We worked for a year to pay off the court charges and barely managed to get an affordable scholarship for college. What more does she want?"
"I don't know. I don't know how she found us again. I don't know what she wants after a year. I don't know why she is here for us again." Liam sighed.
"Where did you see her, Liam? Whatever this might be about, we have to meet her, we can't have her running around campus like that."
"We are not meeting her." Liam sounded firm. "We have finished whatever we had to with his family. Like it wasn't enough that they put the entire blame on us, they sued us in court. They sued a bunch of college kids in the court of law Naia."
"Liam is right, I think we should just avoid her till things settle down a bit." Casey nodded at Liam before standing up to go wash his plate.
"But, it is on us." I had said without thinking. Five words. Five words that finally set loose all the dread and misery that was held at bay for a year.
The room went quiet except for the sound of running water at the sink. Liam had stilled and the dread that had been creeping up my back seemed to shroud me whole.
"It's not on us." Liam said, forced through his teeth.
Casey still had his back to us but had gone still.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said that-"
"It is," Casey had finally spoken up, a mere whisper, "it is on us. We were his best friends."
Were. We were his best friends.
And yet.
Liam got up and left the room, only to grab his jacket and leave the house. Casey tried to stop him, asking him to at least finish his meal, saying he hadn't eaten much all day. But Liam left that night. Soon after Casey left on his long late night walk. I didn't see the boys till the next afternoon, when all of us had gone back to pretending everything was fine.
I laid alone on my bed that night. Wrapping both my emptiness and me in a blanket.
ns216.73.216.10da2
and then Add to home screen.