You had wanted to sleep beside me that night. You had said you simply didn't want to be alone. I had gotten a little startled, I'll be honest. I thought you had figured me out after all.
I thought somehow you had peered past all the gimmicks and looked into my soul, as I feel you usually do, and seen that I had wished to run away.
"Then the couch-"
"The bed." you had said, as sternly as you could manage through the fatigue. "It's big enough for the both of us."
Then when I didn't say anything, mostly because my brain was glitching at the request, "If you want to. I mean. If you're uncomfortable, you don't have to force yourself-"
"No." I had said too quickly, my voice squeaking towards the end. I had cleared my throat and kneeled before you, "I'll stay with you no problem. But angel," I had reached forward, resting both my hands on either side of your head against the back of your couch, as I tucked your moonlight hair behind your ear. I thought I had felt you lean into my touch slightly, "is something wrong?"
You had taken my left hand that rested on the couch next to your head in yours and had curled your warm fingers around mine, "I dont know." you had sighed, "I just don't want today to end." you had said. "I don't know why."
I had gotten up and gotten led by you to your bedroom. I had been more than ready to carry you over if you were too tired. But you had refused, as you turned a shade pink at the offer.
You offered me some clothes to change into, your cousin Mia's clothes. But I had refused. I had decided not to spend too long there anyway.
I had freshened up in the guest bathroom, splashing water over my face and peering into my reflection. My hair had grown longer while I was with you, the bags under my eyes were ridiculous. I was so tired I was afraid simply laying down beside you would make me sleep.
I had to leave. If i didn't leave today I was afraid my resolve would break. I was afraid I would stay. Then all of my worst nightmares would come to life.
Thinking of that made me slap more water onto my face.
I had waited in your bedroom, walking around slowly to look around while you changed and freshened up in your bathroom. You came out with a purple nightdress that had a spread out pattern of pink elephants.
"You look cute." I had laughed out, unable to hold back the adoration that poured out of my heart at the sight of you. "Shutup." you had said firmly, blushing deeper.
And then we laid on your bed.
Next to each other.
You had slept facing me, and I had done the same.
The digital clock by your bed on the night stand had read 2:15 am by the time we both got into bed.
You had said you wanted to talk with me. About what, I had asked you. Anything, you had said. You had told me you had just wanted to hear my voice.
"Did you hear about the man that had squeezed a man into this makeshift robot he built and convinced people that the robot was actually the best chess player in the world. But really it was the man stuffed inside who was playing the entire time?"
You had blinked, frowning for a few moments, "That sounded like gibberish to me, music girl." you had said. And I had laughed. "My bad, angel," I had, again on pure instinct to simply feel your touch, had reached forward to shift a few strands of your hair off your face. You had closed your eyes at my touch. "That's a boring story anyway. Did I tell you about the time I got bit by a dog?"
And so I spent the next half an hour rambling about the randomest things, things about my childhood, shows and songs I liked. You had hummed in response up until sleep finally tucked you into dreamland.
I had to get up and leave the second I had figured you had fallen asleep.
But I want to stay beside you for just a moment longer.
Just a little longer.
A few more seconds.
I had reached forward to your hand that laid before you, as you spelt on your side facing me. "Ayla." I had whispered.
I had carefully inched my hand forward till it was only a centimeter apart. My hand itched to hold yours.
For one last time.
For one last time, I wanted to place a kiss on your knuckles. I wanted to press kisses along your temple, your hair. I wanted to hug you, one last time.
"Ayla, I," I had trailed off for a bit, my sight darting across all your features bathed in the bright moonlight pouring through your window. You were glowing, and I was thankful to the skies for once. At least I could brand the art your face is into my memory. So when I'm far far away I could close my eyes, and be blessed with, at the very least, the memory of you.
"I love you." I confessed.
A whisper of words.
A secret now only the moon and I knew.
"I love you. And your smile. And your laugh." I had moved my hand a little closer to yours, close enough for mine to brush against yours, making the skin on the side of my palm tingle. "I love everything you like and everything you make. I love your little habits. I love that you like to eat pizza with lychee juice. Or that anything spicy would be paired with something insanely sweet. I love the way you think and worry. I love the way you love. I love-" at once I was hit with what I was going to do, and had choked up.
A broken gasp falling out of my lips as I gazed at your peaceful angelic form deep asleep beside me.
"I love you."
I had shuffled a little closer to you, hooking my pinky finger to yours. As gently as I could manage, careful to not rouse you from your sleep.
"I will find you. Maybe in our next life if not this one. I'm sorry I am not enough. Maybe," I had taken a shaky breath, overwhelmed with this feeling of loss despite still being beside you. "Maybe one day I'll be worthy of sleeping beside you. And waking up beside you. Maybe someday I can make your breakfast and have dinner with you. And love you. Without any fear. But," I had squeezed your pinky finger in mine. Pressing it to my forehead.
Praying with everything I had left in me that you would understand where this came from. That you would magically understand all this fear that seemed to be growing uncontrollably, to the point where I had the urge to hold you in my arms all the time simply to assure my heart that you weren't a dream. That you were real and healthy and happy.
"I just can't chain you down to me." tears escaped. Damping your pillow. "I am so much more of a horrid mess than you would ever expect, my angel. Whatever is left of my soul hurts to love. Trust me, I've seen it hurt people. I can't see it hurt you. I couldn't bear it."
Please understand. Please.
You must understand.
I love you.
I really love you.
Please.
Bringing our intertwined fingers to my mouth, I had placed the soft kiss I could manage on the knuckle of your little finger.
I had whispered these forbidden words against your hand, "I can't have you spend your life with someone like me. I love you too much to do something like that you. The universe wouldn't forgive me."
I had pressed my lips to your finger one last time. My tears flowing free enough to dampen even the ghost of the kisses I had pressed against you that night.
"Live a long long life angel. Live with that joy in your heart. Be happy."
I took one last shuddering breath, gathering all the parts of me I had laid bare that night. Steeling and preparing myself to get up and walk away.
Our last touch was the press of the tip of your little finger against my lips.
ns216.73.216.141da2
and then Add to home screen.