Anyway, so those thoughts revolved around me subconsciously that I just managed to verbalize it now, leading to the second theme. True confidence.
In my young naïve years, I've been searching how to be confident on these self-development channels on youtube and binge watching them. Well they would always teach about these body language, impersonation, status, being mysterious stuff. Yes, of course, I fall victim on those promises.
Maybe if only I tried to be more of this and that... I would be seen as worthy. Haha, I remember one time I had a crush on someone during college and I kept looking for videos on how to impress her. Yeah, it didn't end well. I should've just being direct, you know. Even tho these crappy advice saying it would lose intrigue, it only works if you focus your relationship on quick gains driven by emotional highs, if you're looking for profound, deep connection, this is not the way to go.
I also had another note typed on this:
"So confidence is built from how you view yourself. The moment you start to feel secure about yourself when no one sees, that's where true confidence grows."
Oh so that's why saying "I feel insecure" is often related to "I don't feel confident". We just start with getting to know more of ourselves then.
Oh dear I feel like sounding lecturing now? Alright let's ease things a bit. This is not a TED talk. Just see me as a big brother talking.
But really in the past years, I started to search confidence from outside. How MUST I look. When others would say, I just needed to understand myself. I still operated on trying to be performative. To look good. Well, it served its purpose then, cause everytime you feel anxious and worried now, you just remember yourself of who you are and the efforts you took to getting to know you.
It's funny I wanted to be confident to impress girls back then, but it takes no expectation at all to truly be confident. It's really just about you.
So those were the themes really that's bugging my mind. But going back to that girl, yeah of course, that feeling still never disappeared man. She really feels chill, and the moment we got on the peace giving offering, I consciously tried to observe her gesture and the very moment after we bow on front, she bowed on my direction and so as me, to hers. Of course, I do believe in the saying, the subconscious always spills what the person feels. Whether if it is intentional or not, I feel eased.
Honestly, before the act of gift-giving, I was betting on it and anticipating what if she'll do it on the other side next, but I was wrong.
Oh but kuya, maybe you were just overanalyzing it... again. Maybe I do, but one thing's sure that made me eased. She never perceived a threat on me. I never expected something for her. Just see me as a safe being and I'm good. And that's the only thing that matters.
So yeah for the entire mass, I never sensed any thing of aversion from her. I actually even accidently bumped my elbow into hers, but she still exuded the same vibe. Just minding her own business and that made me feel at ease.
Oh and one more thing, during the peace giving, we did had a quick eye contact slightly and I managed to had a quick look at her face. We were both not looking directly, just slight turn and bowed. She kinda looks (I repeat looks) too young probably in her teens? You know teens dressed up as adults is now common nowadays with the rise of fashion trends on socmed? I mean who wouldn't?
You know, that experience I had through the entire mass was just too emotionally engaging to ignore. For fear of not being caught up too much, I tried to rationalize on my mind: Hey what if she's probably a minor? What if she has a boyfriend? And then withdraw the experience. But then again, I just crave the feel of companionship and it forced me to rethink the way I see how relationships work.
It exists but very misunderstood. Almost always labelled as flirting.
To a boy: You are seen as making a move.
To a girl: You are seen as being opportunistic.
And to me? Fuck y'all. I say this is my reality I cannot hide anymore. A true embodiment of who I am that I cannot fake.
No script of repetitive pop romance can ever define how I feel. "I loved you all along." That's bs for me. I craved what the world fails to define yet. I don't even know what that really means. But I know for sure...
It's borderline between friends and lovers, but leaning more to friends. And no, not mutual relationship, it's still on the process of being lovers. Mine is not.
Oh like a brother-sister vibe? Perhaps this is the most accurate that could define now. I see it now.
I just wish to have that kind of pure relationship. To have that female (and of course male) companions to find in the right place and time. Maturity will lead to these people. For now, I will just maybe live? I guess.
This now feels like a call... that after all these years, Kian is finally knocking on my doors again... to fully be with me. I thought Kian's dead but he isn't. He's just... waiting for me to come back.
It's now a return with a new reformed vision for myself and to the future fate of my writing journey. It's because a deep voice needs to be heard. A perspective so oblivious that it needs a pov of mine to spill the ink. With every tap of my fingers are the very passion that I want to change:54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Z21DDOuzQ
54Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwke4AtHcG
Males are not only physical... and females are not only emotional.
This whole society construct is a lie we put to ourselves, making us feel inadequate. And I say, fuck that standards. You live to who you're meant to be. Who you deserve to be.
And it's where it ends here, I've got nothing much to say now, but the right people will find its way and realize how we view mainstream life is broken. I'm probably overexaggerating here from your pov, but it just feels a vindication on my end that I have to release... after all those years of trying to fit in. I wanted to be me.
I wanted to be... the Kuya that I was, and always was.
- A real life experience
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