So I was attending a simbang gabi in our town that one night. It's my 8th day without a miss. Well, it's pretty easy to manage 'cause I decided to choose night masses over early mornings. I'm a late riser, probably cause I have some wolf chronotype? Ah basta, I'm not a morning riser.
Anyway, I just thought it'll be just another ordinary mass. Just me standing at the back still and looking apathetic with my usual face mask and a slingbag.
So here's the thing, I actually even left the house past 6:30 like I usually do and walked my way to the church. I preferred walking over transpo cause well a bit of exercise feels a bit calming. And walking feels a bit therapeutic just to make me grounded about myself- ah pun intended.
I arrive the usual phase of the mass, barely starting and so I stood at the back because well, the chairs are already full because there were also a lot that attended day by day. Mostly teenagers near me, probably wanted to meet their buddies.
At that night tho, it's weird that the mass hasn't even started. Ohh there's a vacant seat at the very back and I just instinctively sit on it. Hey, there's a father with a child behind it. This must be the same guy from yesterday, I'm not sure. Darn, it's not yet starting. I should've bring my phone for a bit of entertainment and now, I had to divert my attention to the external world. Forgive me Lord, I have my lapses, but I tried *an emoji with a tear on a forehead side... whatever*.
Anyway, minutes later, there's this girl asking for a seat: "Excuse me..." and so I instantly moved aside. You know, my usual vibe when standing or sitting near girls on masses I don't know is being defensive, not the bad way, but the cautious way. Yes, I also had girls sitting near me in previous mass nights, and I would feel stiff and over-conscious. Is my presence not threatening? I don't wanna be seen as creepy or trying to flirt on her or make a move? How can I act fine?
It's just a girl. Why are you overanalyzing? Bro, you know society can be fucked up sometimes. Your intentions are not always what the world wants to see. They always default to what the world conditions them to believe. I had to live with that reality. I don't blame it with all the domestic violences that's going on but I wish I also have a safe space on my own, man.
But why yes, of course, I still have a side of me that wants to impress. It's always a social need. I wanted to look good... to feel safe, and I had to live with it. Fuck it actually, in the last years, I've been struggling with that shit.
But this night? That girl was different. She exuded a different vibe. Of course in the first minutes, I try to be stiff or act "compressed" like it was my auto response. Now, minutes passed during the mass, her vibe was just kept diverting my attention. Sorry again Lord, I know I should've paid full attention to you... but I still had attention on the mass tho... I knew the gospel was about starting with "M-...", actually I don't remember sorry. You got me damn. But the homily does focuses about the importance of being present, I guess (?).
Ok I did a quick Google search right now. Yeah it triggered my memory. The priest was talking about how to magnify His presence in our lives. Nah, I didn't cheat I swear.
Anyway, during homily, I tried to observe her peripherally and noticed: she kinda wears black shirt like mine and had a slingbag (I won't say the color 'cause it'll be more obvious, but it didn't match mine). She also wore glasses.
Hey, she seemed more similar to me than I thought and that's where I let my guard down. She seemed safe and that's where it piqued my interest. I was never interested on her as a romantic partner but why is the vibe seems to pull me and engage at that moment. I am also not interested to talk, it's just the vibe of her being there is just enough to be... soothing, like a deep feeling that I never had before in my life.
You know for years, I was just doing business as a freelance. Never having thoughts on that... but hey, maybe, just maybe... what if that means something?
During that experience, there were two recurring themes that occurred in me.
The first was rethinking how I understood relationships at the first place. I was puzzled at that moment. I only wanted companionship but never romance. I already have plans to go abroad in the next years and I won't stay here for long. Do I have to find a wife? No, I don't wanna. but it feels... lonely and I'm also considering a possibility. It sucks to be emotionally attuned with yourself, but feels alienated the moment you wanna share it with others just because who you are.
Another thing. I also had took note of that just this evening on hours pondering about it after the mass. You know every time I have emotional encounters, I would scribble about it and keep it as a note in my phone.
"Ah I see now that this is my only hiatus for me to fully lock in. I have to tame my male energy to stop seeking validation, especially from girls I dont have plans to get married anymore thats why I feel its irrelevant now.... but at that moment, I felt having thoughts on wanna having companionship in life cause it seems fulfilling."
Yeah, as you can see, it's kinda tied to how a part of me is tied on the male-female dynamics that's existing in the popular mainstream now. Naming it as a male energy, when in reality, maybe it was just the part of me that wants to be heard.
"I don't need sex. Please stop framing like it's the only thing that's in my mind. Like you... I just wanted to be understood man."
Cause frankly, in my early years, I do have male buddies man. True, I appreciate them and to say I don't is just a hypocrite of me. While I do have male buddies, having female buddies as really just buddies is just super rare and it feels empty. When we talk, I wanted to be seen as genderless. Don't base me on how I look but base me on what I really feel and think deep inside. This is awfully what I wanted to scream. Please... I exist, and I'm sure there are still some guys out there that resonates with the same voice as I am.
I don't need to be gay. Oh, the society thinks I have to be gay just to be accepted? Or maybe being a cool guy that allures girls because they would become friends with benefits. Oh no, none of that. I just needed to be myself like I must.. like I have to. I hope you can see through these words that I am truly tired of pretending for myself that I'm not.
Yes, I just needed to be me. To feel safe.
I actually envied seeing other fellas having girl friends but not romantic way. Of course, both male and female friends and it would complete our holistic understanding of "humanity". This goes for the lads as well, they have to see through why it makes a guy a guy, without contempt. I hear you, other guys are unsafe. I don't blame you. What I meant is simply just a bit of openness. You don't need to sacrifice your socio-emotional safety to understand. You can still understand and empathize without understanding.
Yes, the male energy can be driven on the need to compete at times, to be competent, to feel worthy... through fame, looks, money, status, whatever... because it's often seen as the protector at least from societal standards. But I believe it's time we see "emotional protection" as a new reality that must be acknowledged?
Men don't cry? Fuck that man. I feel what I feel. But yeah really, at this time, I don't really see any plans for marriage. Parenting is hard, man. I have priorities. I just needed a companion to make this journey a little less lonely without the contract of marriage or even just the social pressure of romance. I just needed you to listen. To make me feel I am there.
and then Add to home screen.