FOUR: WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
It had been about a week since the incident on the bridge. You started your work at the CorpsCafe downtown again. It actually felt pretty damn good to get back into your old routine. It felt normal, like you hadn't just risked your life a week ago in an attempt to cease the problems that consumed you. Normal, almost like you hadn't just had to be saved by a group of strangers. Yikes, you felt ridiculous and like quite a burden to others. You'd hoped dearly that that kind group of friends had forgotten the whole thing. It was embarrassing the position you'd put them in. The humiliation was suffocating. And you know deep down that there was no way they'd forgotten, but you try to convince yourself anyhow. You'd told yourself so many times now that that didn't really happen that you actually started to believe it.
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You didn't even realize how lost in thought and regret you had been, that you'd just been staring at your food for the last 10 minutes. A joyful, excited voice pulls you out of your distracted thoughts abruptly…
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“ V!!!!!!! ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THAT!?” Sasha was running at you like a wild boar, eyeing up the sandwich on the table in the breakroom behind the front counter of the coffee shop.
“ Hi Sasha, I don't think so, it's all yours! “
“ You're the best ever, V!!!!”
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That poor sandwich was gobbled up within seconds.
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“ You're sure you're okay V? You're looking a little stressed today, plus we missed you the last few days. Where have you been??”
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“ Sorry, Sash, I just haven't been feeling well, but I'm all better now, so don't worry. How are you and Niccolo doing? “ You get out, in an attempt to change the subject.
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“ We're doing well! Oh my god, V, you wouldn't believe what he cooked for me on Tuesday after work. It was grilled salmon with Cajun seasoning, mashed potatoes with soooo much butter, and these green beans that were to die for!!!! Oh my god, V, I'm telling you the man is a god! “
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Sasha was practicing salivating as she talked about the dinners her boyfriend makes. She always had such wonderful stories to tell about his cooking. It was heartwarming. It always made you smile, the way she lights up when she talks about him. The way she giddily jumps around, bouncing off her feet. She emulated happiness and light, and anyone from a mile away could see her satisfaction splayed across her face. It was inspiring, and her grin was infectious. It never mattered what was going on in your life; when Sasha described the meals that Niccolo prepared for her, you felt warm inside. Her stories brought you an immense amount of comfort, and you felt selfishly prideful in living vicariously through her.
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“ Wow, Sasha, that sounds so good!! I've always wanted to try Cajun salmon. I heard that the place down the road has really good fish, too.”
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“ Hmm, never tried it! “ She shrugs her shoulders high and continues-
“ But I can swear to one thing, Niccolos is definitely the best! Please come over soon so we can cook for you! You'll be in awe, I swear V”
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“ Say no more, I'm there. Soon, I promise, I'd really love that! Thanks, Sash. “
“ Oh, V!! Guess what, I've been talking to my new friend at school, she's awesome! We met in bio class, we have the worst professor you can imagine, he smells like stale cigarettes, and he’s boring as fuck, but-”
Sasha continues beaming as she tells you, “Anyway, their names Hange, and they're fucking hilarious! Oh my god, V, you would love them!”
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“ GIRLS! “
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Both your heads swing over to the doorway faster than the speed of light…
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“Break was over five minutes ago, you got customers waiting, let's go! “
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Your ignorant, impatient manager screams out as he peers his head around the corner, snaring in your direction.
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“ What a dick,” you mutter under your breath as you stride your way out to the front of the house, continuing your gruesome shift.
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‘ Did she say… Hange? No way that's, nah, it can’t be. You're thinking to yourself as your heart rate speeds up slightly.
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You make your way to the counter, to the eager soccer mom standing in line. She stands there tapping her foot, rudely impatient, waiting for her damn cup of coffee. “ I just want a large cappuccino, a bagel with light cream cheese, and a small green tea…. Do you think that's doable?” She quips, clearly a dig at your lengthy timing to report to the register.
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“ Yes ma'am, sorry about that wait, it'll be right out.” You flicker your attention to Sasha, and she looks at you with eyes that scream- “ What a bitch, right V? “
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You mosey through the rest of your shift, and slowly but surely, the evening comes to an end. You give Sasha a tight hug between both of your thick, puffy coats, as you head out to brave the cold and find your way home. You think to yourself, just like the end of all the other shifts you work together, how grateful you are for her. How you don't have a lot of, well.. any other friends other than her, and she's a great one. She always lifts your spirits and is constantly kind. The only thing she ever asks for in return for her loveliness is the occasional snack or bite of your meal. You're happy to indulge her; she means everything to you.
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You start your walk home, and it's cold as shit tonight. You try not to mind the cold flakes of snow that drop upon you as you make your strides. You wonder if maybe tonight you'll actually be able to sleep. You never sleep. Maybe it's the nightmares, or the danger that surrounds you in your uncomfortable home, the loud noises that keep you ever alert. When you finally make your way back, after a long walk, you're already drowsier than ever. Your tired frame collapses onto your mattress, and you pull your phone out to see if the world will decide to stop pouring snow any time soon.
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One message sits on your locked screen. Odd- a number you don't recognize. The message stares at you, awaiting your reaction, and you hold the locked page as you ponder.
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“ One new message: ….” It reads.
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You figure it's probably a reminder to pay your phone bill, or some store or company of some sort begging for your attention and business. There's nothing better than spam, right?
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With a groan and nothing else to do, you unlock and read.
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“ Hey girly! V was it? This is a Hange from the hospital. How are you doing? Miss you, maybe we can hang out sometime and get to know each other better? :)) Hope all is well your way !!! <3 “
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‘Hange… oh yeah,’ you think to yourself.
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You remember how sweet she was, how inviting and trusting her energy was that night. Your heart skipped a beat at the thought that Sasha's new friend, whom she wants you to meet, was called Hange. Definitely the same person, right? Who else is named Hange?
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Your eyes lay still staring at the message in front of you, for what felt like a lengthy amount of time. You're not really sure what you're supposed to say. Of course, you wanted to see them again, strangely enough, because even though you wanted nothing more than to suppress the memory of that fateful night. But Hange was different from most people you'd met in your life. They were kind and had an open heart that seemed big enough to fit anyone they met into. In a way, they'd reminded you of your best friend, Sasha, and Sasha was one in a million. It was all too good, and strange to be true.
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You finally begin typing without even being sure of the message you'll bring about, and write..
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“ Hi Hange, thank you for reaching out…honestly, I’d like to see you again as well. Let me know if sometime you're free and we can definitely do something. Out of curiosity, do you know someone by the name Sasha? I think she goes to your school….”
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Within two minutes, your message says read, and three dots appear as if they're typing on the other end.
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“ Yes, Sasha, of course! We met in our bio class. I love her, she's awesome, do you know Sasha also?”
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A small grin stretches out across your lips.
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“ Yup, we work together at CorpsCafe downtown. She's sort of like my best friend. That's cool that you know her as well…small world, huh?”
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Not even a minute later, the next text rolls through.
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“ Yes, absolutely!!!! Ok, that sells it, we're all gonna hang out. My friend Mikasa is having a little party this Friday on campus on her floor. It's small, mostly just a bunch of our closest friends drinking and whatever. Sasha will be there! Please come, I swear it'll be fun! What do you say? “
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“ You're sure it's cool with everyone if I swing by? Will it be weird since I don't go there?”
“ Oh, honey, not at all!! I assure you, you're more than welcome to come; there will be people there no one even knows anyhow. I'll send you directions. I really look forward to seeing you there, V”
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And with that, your plans are in motion. It's almost like… two worlds colliding? Not exactly, but isn't everyone going to wonder how you met Hange? What are they going to think when all their friends hear that you and Hange met after one of her friends dragged you out of the river, after you had jumped off a bridge? Good lord, your heart is starting to race. You can actually hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears at the thought of Hange telling their friends how pitiful and pathetic you were as they all sat around your hospital bed. Tubes and machines tied to your body, you didn't even want to know what the doctor had said to them. In fact, you weren't even sure exactly what had transpired right after you were dragged to the grass. All you really remember was being on dry land and still, your own lungs betraying you as you choked on water while you drifted back to a slumber.
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The whole thing was…humiliating.
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And as much as you wanted to know every single thing that transpired while you had been barely lucid that night, you just as badly wanted to never think about it again. Pretend that it didn't happen. How great it would be to just have your friend Sasha introduce you to her friends, of whom you've never crossed paths before. Meeting for the first time, the icy introduction that usually gave you nerves because first impressions were anxiety-inducing… was nothing but a facade.
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Who knows, I mean, you did have a gut feeling that Hange was kind enough, that they were endearing enough for it not to matter anyhow. But how could everyone just ignore how much humiliation that night had caused for everyone?
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Hange hadn't let you down that night, so you wouldn't let them down this Friday. It is what it is… god, you wondered how much they'd already told their friends about you.
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With a loud sigh and the desire to forget, you roll over and shut your eyes. How could you sleep not only with the impending doom rising within you.. But with the occasional gunshots firing out the window. They were typical, yet still alarming as ever. The creaking of the building, and footsteps in the distance- never knowing who or what was there around the corner waiting for you to be vulnerable enough to shut down and become an easy target. It was scary, the lack of safety that surrounds you in your own bedroom. How could you sleep like this? How could anyone? You never slept. And yet, you were so fucking exhausted, and just like every other night, you gave it your all, and prayed that tomorrow would be better. Because you know deep down, you're right where you're supposed to be.
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and then Add to home screen.