WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1991
Today I felt lousy all day, but I’m feeling better now. It’s nighttime, so what do you expect? I think it’s due to the very drastic change in temperature. It was a record high of 70° today. Can you believe that? On November 20th?! Just the other day I had to wear gloves as well as a warm coat. Speaking of coats, I’ll have to get a winter coat somehow. All I have is my suede fringed jacket. Also, some very light coats that just don’t cut it when it’s very cold.
At 11:30 tomorrow morning I’ve got to see Dr. Leitch. I’m going to need Theodur and Alupent refills.
I better get my ass on schedule as I have got lots of things coming up soon. From Nov. 25-29 I’ll be in Salem checking out apartments. Kim’s gonna bring me down and they’ll bring me back.
I spoke to Tammy earlier who now says Mom and Dad can’t afford to move me as their store’s gone under due to the poor economy. Also, Dad’s medical bills are sky-high and he’s only got partial coverage. I don’t know if I buy any of that, but maybe there’s a slight grain of truth to it. I really feel it has more to do with the phone calls, court and everything else that’s gone on in my life. What can I say or do? I just hope and pray to God that Tammy or any other curious people never get a hold of any of my journals without me knowing it. Tammy could, of course, read them with me knowing it. I’m more solid than her but all she’d have to do is just sit on me and read away since the girl’s nearly 200 pounds. The bulk of the stuff in these books is known to all who know me. Yet my personal private fantasies along with other subjects are my business unless I so choose to share them. Of course, I just couldn’t stick to my story in the previous journal. I always lose patience, but I have other ideas I may work out. The last half of journal 18 will be for lyrics, phone numbers, personal notes or ideas, and letters. Anything goes kind of deal.
Andy read me the funniest letter for Jenny he’s fixing to send her. I typed it last night as he read it to me over the phone. Talk about us mixing lines, lyrics, and sentences up! He did an awesome job and Jenny will be so damn confused. I don’t give a rat’s ass if she suspects me as there’s nothing threatening. Just very very very strange. I’ll copy it over in 18 soon.
Just to mention my November and December schedule so far… On November 25th I was supposed to meet with a therapist named Cassandra, but since I’ll be in CT, I’ll have to reschedule. December 2nd, I have to go to fuel assistance. December 5th to court to see my probation officer Sheila, who Mark says is pretty. Friday, Peter’s coming to show this place to someone, and he knows I don’t have an exact moving date yet. I guess Tammy’s gonna have to get some friends to move me. What about the $40 court fee? There’ll be a $40 fee from Northampton, too.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1991
I went to see Dr. Leitch this morning. God knows how the hell I got up, but I did.
I just realized I forgot to get a note from them to give to my probation officer. Tomorrow I’ll call them and ask them to mail me a note. I also have to call Cassandra and reschedule our Monday evening appointment.
I had a little chat with Nervous today and I guess not much has changed in his life. I wish he could see this apartment before I leave it.
I hope I get to sleep within a few hours. I want to keep my schedule somewhat normal. Peter will be showing the place tomorrow at 2:00. There sure will be a difference. It’s going to be a lot emptier looking in here since I threw all my knickknacks in the closets. I’ve really got to start rounding up more boxes if I’m definitely out of here on January 2nd.
I really want to check out trailer homes in trailer parks in CT. It’d be a nice change for a girl who loves variety and living in different places. It’d feel like I was at the beach or on vacation or on tour. Tammy tells me she’s checked into it and they’re too expensive. They’re the rent-to-own deal. Since I can’t create my own perfect dream home with a snap of my fingers with a pool, dance/gym room, I wish I could pick up this apartment and move it with me. I’ll probably end up in the same old apartment in an apartment-building type deal. There’ll be many apartments above, below and around me. I wish I could at least afford a duplex. I really like those.
Dr. Leitch refilled my meds and did a check-up on me. I am wheezing a bit more again and have been tight in the chest than I should be. That weather change really did a number on me. I complained about the very bloated gut that I have before during and after my period. He mentioned gas and certain symptoms that go along with it. I said that that’s what I’ve figured was the problem now for quite some time. I’ll be going for a lactose tolerance test on Dec. 9 and he says my problem is quite common. It isn’t at all dangerous or potentially fatal like asthma, but it sure is a royal pain. He said a pain in the butt. I said no, a pain in the gut. Why though, didn’t someone take care of this problem and do this test a long time ago? Oh well. Better late than never in this case. That’s for sure.
I haven’t spoken to Fran too much lately. He spends a lot of time at this girl’s house that he works with.
I hope to hell I get Andy’s letter and my pictures tomorrow. He’s owed me both for a long time. Whenever I do get his letter, I’ll copy it in journal 18. I know it has at least 8 pages. I hope he puts enough postage on it.
When I go to Tammy’s, I better remember to get my edits. I spoke with her a few times during the day and we discussed stuff I’m bringing down. She laughed when I told her I’d begun packing. You know how I like everything to be organized. I hate to wait until the last minute. Plus, I’m so anxious to hurry up and go. She told me to bring whatever I can. I have several things for all of them. Stuff I don’t need or want along with stuff I’ve made. I also told her I’d make a Happy Chanukah banner. I started that and I’ll finish it tomorrow. I’ll also be bringing my drawing pad and I’ll finish their swing set picture there with the girls. I have those placemat things I made. I’ve made two already and I have another one that’s half-finished. I’ll also bring my skinny yarn for making bracelets. I still have to finish Andy’s bracelet and mail him my last two Chanukah cards with typed lines on them. I’ll mail his card along with Mom and Dad’s right before I leave. I’m bringing down two pairs of roller skates Kim gave me. They’re a size 9! I hope one of the girls gets tall. Somebody’s got to end up taller than me.
I got a scale in the mail along with those 3 wool blankets with the different designs. I already have a scale and I know they do too, but maybe it broke. Tammy says she loves ducks and one of the blankets has a pretty duck design. The others are flowers and an Indian print.
She said she got a shipment in of really pretty hair bows and those scrunchy hair things. When you have really long hair, they’re better than the regular coated elastics. They’re a lot easier to take out. She mentioned perfume samples too, and I’m giving her perfume called Navy that she likes a lot.
That trim Kim gave me really went a long way. I still have massive split ends but I’d much rather have long dead ends, than short healthy ones. It only took a week after she trimmed it for it to come out of shock and start growing. I mean, growing. Kim was shocked and asked me if I had a stretching machine. I am so happy. It is really here. My hair is at the top of my ass!!!!! In a year from now, I hope to be sitting on it. Once it gets to the top of my legs, I’ll cut it to the lower waist/top of the ass line where it is now. Hopefully, that’ll do in all my split ends. Or at least the bulk of them.
I am really tired now, even though, there is more I could write. Anyway, I should try to knock off for the night as it is now 11:00. That way I’ll get up in plenty of time to clean out the stairwell. I’ll remove some old tape from the walls and make sure Shadow’s box doesn’t reek of shit. The last few days I haven’t slept much so now it’s time to catch up.
Can’t wait for that fem’s letter!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1991
I am so pissed! Why oh, why can’t I fucking fall asleep? I know I’ll be up till 4:00 or 5:00. I used to like being a night person and now I hate it. If I absolutely had to get up at the same time every day, I’d only sleep for 4 hours or so. I am exhausted, though. I’m drop-dead tired. So then why can’t I sleep? I don’t want to take up sleeping pills. You need more and more of those to knock you out as time goes on, they’re addicting too, and you also need to take an upper to wake up in the morning. I’m so fucking pissed!
Later…
I had a bite to eat and listened to some tapes and CDs for a while. It is now time for me to try my damnedest to fall asleep. I know the main part of the problem is the Theodur besides being a night person. Perhaps I didn’t have enough coffee. You know how that is for a hyperactive person. It reverses more or less. Four cups a day helps a lot usually. A calmer person would only become more revved up by 4 coffees. Right now I’m not energetic or upset about anything in particular.
I sure as hell can’t write worth a damn when I’m exhausted. I hate being so tired yet unable to sleep, so if anything’s ticking me off at the moment, that’s it.
The only issue in my life right now besides singing or sex is my tapes. It’s like losing a very big and special part of me and my life. No one else could ever understand that for the life of them cuz they do not know me and my life. Or the people I know and the experiences I’ve had. I understand that, but it is not up to anyone else to judge me. Not cops or doctors or lawyers or teachers or the lowest of all low lives on the earth. If I heard the tapes and did not know anyone on the tapes, I too would think, are these people crazy? What are they talking about? What does all this gibberish mean? Nonetheless, it is a big part of my life they’ve snatched from me which is totally wrong and unfair with or without me making those phone calls. Other than making prank phone calls, I have a right to tape whoever the hell I want to in the privacy of my own home. No matter if I’ve done something wrong or I’m a sweet little angel, some kind of authority figure is always snatching away the things I love and are important to me. Either that or it gets stolen or broken. I no longer respect cops the way I used to. Some yes, but mainly I will always carry a huge resentment towards them in general. I will always feel anger.
Later…
I have only 6 minutes to write as I promised Andy I’d call him back. He ran out to grab a burger and some smokes. God, is he ever miserable! Even though PHX is much cheaper than New England, he’s having severe financial problems. He took a test for AT&T with 30 people. Only one passed the test and it wasn’t him. He may go apply at another Denny’s but he’s sick of the graveyard shift. He too, is getting fed up with being a night person.
As far as relationships go, our desires have completely changed.
Speaking of Andy, he just called saying that after we hung up, he checked his voicemail. He had 4 messages and had to call everyone back. So now, he’s gone out to get his burger and his pack of cigarettes. I told him that when he’s ready to call, let it ring once. I’ll call him back at that point.
Damn! With all the long-distance calls and the 900-number calls I’ve made, I better get the hell out of here in January!
Besides the boring, isolated no life I have here, I hope and pray I get a nice place and get out fast.
Besides Andy’s money problems and missing me, he’s so lonely. All his life he never wanted love but now he’s wanting a full-time lover. He’s now willing to share a bed every night with the right person and do all the things lovers do. All my life I thought I’d pretty much get someone and keep them and hang onto them for life or as long as possible. That was what I once wanted until I found out all I want, need and can handle is sex. We both are so picky and are attracted to straights. That is one desire I’m proud, relieved, happy and content with after all the desires I wish constantly I could change. Wanting only sex, I mean. Both of us have moved to places we thought we’d be happier in when in fact we’re a zillion times more miserable. The only plus for him is the cheaper and nicer apt. The only plus for me is this beautiful apt. and the area. At least I can go to the store without a drug dealer asking me to buy or sell drugs.
Later…
I just called Tammy to tell her how pissed off I am that I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 in the morning. I had set my alarm for 10:00 but didn’t get out of bed till almost 1:00. Even if I did get out of bed at 10:00, I’d still be up till 4:00 or 5:00.
Peter showed the apartment today to a young couple.
I’ve finally gotten my long-awaited letter from Andy. He sent 3 pictures of himself along with a coupon for my coffee. I got some cigarette coupons, too. Also, a concert review of Gloria’s from the concert Andy went to. Getting his letter was great and it was really thoughtful of him to send the other stuff, but what about my photos? I’m thinking, aw shit! Now I gotta wait another 6 months for those? I told him I’ve waited long enough. I didn’t give them to him, and other people want to see them. I’m never lending another thing of mine to anyone and I know now for sure, I’ll never get my bathing suits from Jessie. Fine. She can have them, but our friendship is over and she’s out of my life.
One other thing I forgot to mention that Andy sent me. An article on how Gloria should wear longer dresses to cover up her chunky legs. Then she was compared with some other girl who they said had a dynamite figure. The only thing negative in her concert review was the Bacardi Breezer commercial shown on the big screens. They said, who wants to pay to see commercials? Also that Whitney Houston has better pipes than Gloria.
Later…
My show Reasonable Doubts with the good-looking deaf actress Marlee Matlin, who uses sign language, is not on tonight due to a movie. Bummer. The movie’s boring, too.
Fran isn’t home and he hardly ever is lately. He spends a lot of time at that girl’s house. The one he works with.
Kim dropped off my refill for Alupent and Theodur as well as an antibiotic called Augmentin. I’ve heard of it before and I sure hope it isn’t one of the ones that played with my stomach. Tammy says she’s taken it before with no problems. Tammy also said that her niece, as well as a friend of hers, has that gas problem in their stomachs, too. It is common, the doctor and she told me. They just take these lactose tablets that look like little wafers. They do not cause side effects or counteract with any medicines.
A few days ago, I got my period and had annoying cramps. Not to the point where I thought I’d die, but Kim gave me two Advil and contrary to my doubts, it killed my cramps. It has Motrin in it. I’ve had that before.
Kim says she’ll see me later to read Andy’s letter. Right now Kim’s busy with her friend Michelle who’s pretty, and of course, straight.
Later…
I am so bored right now it makes me sick. I plucked my eyebrows a little bit but not too thoroughly. It’s harder than all hell to try to do it on yourself. I threw some Hydrocortisone cream on my face. It is absolutely the best stuff I have ever used for zits. Also, Dr. L said that that’s what I should be using on my ear when it gets all red and irritated. Not antibiotic cream. Why do I always have to go through so many different doctors and wait so long for correct answers? Using the hydrocortisone cream is helping a lot so far.
I’m getting horny again and wish once again, I could fulfill that dream of going to bed with someone I’m turned on by. I know it’ll never happen but I’m only human. It comes and goes in phases. The last 5 days or so I’ve really had no desires. Of course, coming home from a gay bar makes me lose my appetite for a while. It’s disappointing. Once you’ve seen one gay woman (butch) you’ve seen them all. And, of course, the few that are fairly decent looking aren’t interested in me. Lastly, the ones who are very good-looking are straight. Oh well. You just can’t change destiny. That’s why nowadays I don’t 100% believe in negative or positive. I believe more in meant to be or not meant to be. I’ve gone into situations before numerous times, be it a band or music-related or women-related with a positive, determined and confident attitude, and failed. Yes, I know that’s life and everyone goes through it, but too many times is too many times. I feel like such an ass for believing I was gonna make it as a singer someday. How wrong I was in believing connections would come easier once developing my voice. How wrong I was in believing that growing and maturing and working on my looks would make meeting a woman easier. Especially when you don’t want a relationship, and believe me most people don’t. Men don’t want relationships more so than women, but overall, male or female, sex is THEE thing. You just have to be a hell of a lot more careful and cautious cuz of AIDS.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1991
Only another two days before I get the hell out of this cage. Don’t get me wrong, though. There’s only so much of being around people I can take. Therefore, when it’s time to come back, I’ll be happy about it. Not for too long though. Eventually, I’ll be climbing the walls again in utter boredom. Especially if I do not move by Jan. 2nd. Of course, I’ll be up all fucking night long so I’ll write and sit here waiting till Andy calls. That’ll be any minute now.
I thought Kim was coming over to read Andy’s letter. Oh, of course not. 98% of the time she’s busy, tired, working, sleeping or on the phone. I do appreciate her picking up my refills, though.
As much as I like Kim and admire her in several ways, remember what I always said? I give what I get. And even though I don’t expect to be with her all the time, she led me to believe we’d be doing more things together. I feel very abandoned even though she had her own problems. She knows how I feel, too. We’ve talked and I know she hates her job and has been overburdened by Bob. She’s going to be quitting her job, though. We’ve discussed many things and I am so happy about the many things she’s done for me. She really has helped me out here and there, mainly with money. But at the same time, she knew what she was doing from day one. She knew what she’s told me. She’s abandoned me since day one. As much as I have numerous things to be grateful for, I must give her what she’s given me. That is to abandon her 100% when I move. I’m sorry but I’ve got to do it. Within reason, I treat others as they treat me. She is, however, a character I will never ever forget and am very lucky to have really gotten to know. Kim and I have many ideas, philosophies, and interests in common yet she is the complete opposite I usually never get. She is that so-called “up there” and “decent” person I never could get as a friend, one-nighter, or a lover. I am accepted by people like her once in a lifetime and I know I’m good enough and deserve her type now. However, people like her will no doubt continue to draw false or harsh conclusions about me. I know that and I accept that but that’s their problem and I know the truth. There are a lot of facts I’ll never be able to change but I’ll never take them to heart.
There are two different numbers that give you your horoscope and the bulk of the things they say are true. However, since they’re talking about people of my sign in general, some things are a little off. They said not to spend the holidays entirely with my family. Do I have a choice?
Andy just called and we were just starting to chat when his neighbor Laurie came over. He’s gonna give me my one-ring signal later.
I’ve got to get a battery pack for my cordless phone Kim gave me. She said she’d pick one up as she was going to the phone store they’re sold at but never did. Even though they cost around $8, from what she told me, I’ll pick it up myself. Just giving me that phone along with other stuff she didn’t want is so generous. It’ll be a while before I can afford to buy it, but when I do, they’re supposed to last up to a year.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1991
I’m lying here on my bed while I write. Shadow is lying next to me. I’ll miss him when I’m gone. He’s not used to not having me around, so I’ll have to cat-proof the place. Meaning anything he can destroy will need to be put in drawers or closets. Poor little guy. Kim’s going to feed him and play with him. Also, she’s gonna grab my mail for me. I still have some last-minute things to do before I go. I’ve got to finish making my Chanukah banner and pack some last-minute items. Things like my CDs, meds, drawing stuff and this journal if I do not finish it in time. I still have to change Shadow’s litter box.
Tammy said we can leave anytime we want but to call her when we’re on our way. I’m on antibiotics that make me drowsy so I hope I’ll sleep a few hours before we leave. It’s damp, rainy, miserable weather out and that may make it easier to sleep. I also played a little guitar last night which also helped me to relax. I’ll also need to take a shower before I leave as my hair needs to be conditioned. I also want to straighten my hair out, do my nails and shave. I’ve shaved my calves and under my arms but I want to shave my thighs. I will set the VCR to record In the Heat of the Night and Law & Order. Tammy says there’s a TV downstairs so I can watch what I want down there. But if I’m busy, that’s the show I’d not want to miss most of all.
At 8:00 or 9:00 tonight, it’d sure be nice to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00. I know that’s wishful thinking, though.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1991
Believe it or not, I just let Tammy read part of this journal. She asked if she could and when I asked why she said it was so she can understand my thoughts. I figured that half of the stuff she’d never understand or couldn’t relate to. She and I are two totally different people. Our dreams, goals, wants, needs, personalities and ways of life. I’m a conversationalist and an open person. Of course, I have my moods but I like to laugh as much as I can. I like to try and not take things so seriously if I can. If a person can’t understand something I say, I give up right then and there.
Tammy’s really changed the place around since I was last here. It looked smaller than I remembered when I arrived here. Probably cuz she’s gotten a lot more stuff. Plants and knickknacks and all kinds of stuff. Also, it probably appears smaller as I moved to a place much bigger.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1991
I just got a bunch of new markers. They were supposed to be for one of those geometrical design drawing books, but we couldn’t find any at the mall. We also could not find Gloria’s songbook. It seems as if no one has it. I can’t understand why. I got 32 markers though. I got 16 skinny ones and 16 fat ones. Even though I was unable to find my design book, I’m sure I can find plenty of other uses for these markers.
Lastly, I got two new and very beautiful journals. They’re just as nice as this one, which I consider my best except they have no gold trim.
I’ll probably wait till I get home before I really write. I mean, about my visit here along with other stuff. That way I’ll have privacy and will be able to concentrate a lot better.
I only hope and pray to God I move soon, but still, what kind of life will I have? Will I ever meet anyone? I’m gonna miss my apartment so much and even now, I’m feeling a little homesick.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1991
Today was the Thanksgiving dinner which was very nice. Tammy’s a swell cook.
Bill’s sister and niece were here and they’re both very nice. It has been quite some time since I’ve last seen them. At one point, Tammy, Etta (Bill’s sister) and I discussed the funny and creative parts of my phone calls, told jokes and Etta even heard a part of the edits. She also saw my drawings.
I’ve had more fun than I’d anticipated. It was great playing with the girls and seeing all their toys and stuff.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1991
I returned home yesterday around 10:00 in the morning. All of us had gotten up at 7:30 that morning. I had had only 4 hours of sleep. It was never as hard as I thought it would be to get up the whole time I was there. My sleeping hours varied from 4-8 hours a night. Usually, it was 6 hours. I’ve got to be careful now as I got up at 4:30 this afternoon. I went to bed last night at around 2 AM. All that running around and constant activity and lack of sleep caught up to me. I’m not used to getting up early in the morning so many days in a row.
Kim quit her job at New Medico and may be returning to Baystate rather than Mercy Hospital. She said that starting January 6th, she’ll never be home. I told her she never is anyway. She currently is working 3 days a week but has a billion other activities. She said she did this as she figured (along with Tammy and me) that I’d be moving on January 2nd. I wonder why she makes it a point to try to never be home? Could it be cuz of Mark? I don’t know, cuz she’s always complaining about how she never sees him.
Well, I think I’ll write more about my visit with Tammy, Bill, and the girls later. Believe me, I have lots to write. I had a lot of fun, yet at the same time, it’s cool to be home.
I’m gonna go and listen to music and watch some videos they’ve lent me. Also, Kim’s home.
ns216.73.216.141da2
and then Add to home screen.