My life would be so much easier if I was born rich. I wouldn’t have to study as hard or lie as much if I had the cheat code of being raised by a wealthy family. But alas, I’m poor.
If only there were a way for me to be someone different. I would gladly slip into the skin of a spoiled wealthy girl and live the rest of my life comfortable and unworried. During lunch, I look at my three friends and contemplate which one I would rather be.
Maybe I could be Maia. She rarely worried about her grades and every time I spoke with her, she was buying new designer clothes. I would have all the help money could buy and have the luxury of not being the eldest child. But then I remember the way she cried during her birthday and realize maybe she didn’t live such a happy life. Would someone blessed with the best circumstances life had to offer still go under the knife?
I don’t think I would have the ruthlessness to be Ainsley. But if I had connections of her family and the added bonus of her Ivy League educated older brothers, I certainly wouldn’t have to worry if I joined the right club to get into college. Maybe I would worry about living up to their expectations or exceeding those brothers, but I doubt she ever had to fight for the bathroom like I did in the morning. Her father wouldn’t ration her showers and her mother wouldn’t force her to give up the tastiest portion of their dinner dishes to her siblings. I would be happy if I could have her life and not nearly half as hateful.
But I would covet Yuey’s life more. She only had one sibling to contend with. Although we had similarly strict parents, hers were slightly more lenient. I find myself jealous of all the little ways that she’s better than me. She had the first rank, played violin exceptionally well, and showed immense discipline in the martial arts. But maybe she was talented because she didn’t have the luxury of being ordinary. I think I’m close enough to her to ask, yet I don’t want to be rude. What she had with her family was her business.
The life that I want most belongs to the boy I like. He has a loving mother and sisters that never bother him, too old to still be at home. Every interest he has received a mountain of support. I don’t think he has ever experienced a day where anyone doubted him or made him insecure. He is cared for and prioritized. I am left in the dust.
The crazy thing is, I think he would have had this life no matter how poor or wealthy he was. There’s something about his mother that I don’t see in my family. She looks at him like he’s a gift from the universe while mine regards me like a chore to be taken care of. But the reality is that Mikael is rich. All of the milk and honey of his world would never spill into mine.
I wish my crush on him would go away. But if he deliberately sabotaged his own ranking to be closer to me, I don’t think my heart will stop beating for him.
Ever since I met his mother, things between us have changed. I feel closer to him. One look in his direction and I’m overcome with the urge to tell him the truth about who I am. I want to reveal myself as one of the four scholarship students and feel the weight of my secret lift off my chest. It’s the same sensation that I get when I look at Yuey.
Who am I kidding? Once they both find out that I was never raised in their world, I will be kicked out of their circle. After all, look at what happened to Natalie. I’m not dumb enough to repeat the same mistake.
It’s better to live in silence. That’s how the other two scholarship students were approaching life at Two Bridges. They lived nameless peaceful lives, untouched by the anxiety of the spotlight.
Ainsley is no longer obsessed with their identities ever since she received fourth rank. With Natalie off the list, she has the satisfaction of knowing that she beat one of the scholarship students. But things have been awkward between us because it is my name that’s above hers.
My ranking has always been higher than hers. From freshman to junior year, my friend group knew I worked the hardest out of all of them, studying while they were shopping. They were aware that the realm of academic achievement was mine.
But if Ainsley had done well enough to be one rank away from me, how hard could it possibly be to do well in school? She was what she imagined herself to be, both beautiful and smart, with enough time to spare to be more than what she dreamed of. With her newly inflated ego, she found herself in the position to constantly give unsolicited advice.
“You should get your nose done,” she tells me one day. “If you undergo the operation and get breast implants, I think you have a shot at getting Mikael to be your boyfriend.”
My skin bristles with annoyance. “I don’t know if I have time for that.” I keep my voice as calm as possible.
“It’s worth it. I’d want you to be smart and pretty, just like me.” Her patronizing tone grated at my ears.
“That’s nice, but I think I’ll be okay.” I continue to scribble on my worksheet.
“You can’t just focus on school all the time. You only moved up one spot even though you spent all that time studying. Why not spend more time on doing your makeup or getting cute lashes? If you won’t go under the knife, at least do that.”
That was the problem I had with my rich peers. They weren’t used to hearing ‘no’ from anyone. A lifetime of privilege creates a very annoying person. In the case of Ainsley, it made her downright unlikeable even to other wealthier students, which was why she wasn’t popular. Had she been more amiable and joined our school’s cheerleading team, she wouldn’t even be talking to someone like me. Maybe she would have even abandoned Maia.
“What makeup products would you recommend?” If she wouldn’t accept my disinterest, I should distract her by puffing up her insane ego.
While she rattles off skincare products and beauty procedures, I tune her out. As I solved more math problems, I couldn’t help but think that she had a point.
If I was pretty, it would compensate for the fact that I came from a poor family. One of the reasons why I didn’t want to be Mikael’s girlfriend was because I felt that I had nothing to give him. I didn’t have beauty or money. And although he wasn’t particularly popular, he had more than I was blessed with in life.
I sulk about this the entire day, my anger steadily building on the way home. I’m pissed at the rats that scuttle on the train tracks and the pigeons on the sidewalks. I’m livid at the panhandlers walking from train car to train car asking for spare change. I’m furious at the unwashed homeless sleeping on the benches, bundled in tattered blankets and coats.
I try to let the fiery feeling in my stomach go. But even when I take off my school uniforms and sit down to do my homework, the irritation clings to me like the metallic filth of the subway lingers on my clothing. My squalid room, which my siblings liked to nap in during the weekends, seems shabbier than normal. All of the clothes I made to fit in with my friends hang like misshapen corpses in my closet. And no matter how many times I sweep and mop the floors, it still feels dirty everywhere.
Dinner was a haphazard affair, a collage of takeout boxes and reheated canned food. Rui, Ming, and I pick at our food, overly salty and oily because neither our mother nor father had time to cook. Halfway through the meal, my mothers got fed up with our attitude and lectured us about how we should be grateful.
It’s the same story every time. She worked in the fields and did schoolwork at the same time, balancing farming and her education. There was no electricity in rural China so she spent hot summers bitten by mosquitos while sleeping under the stars. She would be so lucky to receive half of what we had.
But this time, she ends the story by blaming me. I should have cooked the rice when I came home. Why couldn’t I be the one to prepare the vegetables or marinate the meat when she got home the latest out of everyone?
Normally, I would take it. I know running the bakery is hard and the customers are not always nice. But today, I am out of empathy and patience.
“You should have never given birth to me,” I seethe. “If I’m so useless and lazy, why did you go and have two more children? In fact, why did you have kids if you were so poor anyway? Now I have to live this miserable life with you and my siblings!”
I stormed off, not caring that I ate nothing at the table. That night, I slept with my stomach growling and tears hot in my eyes.
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