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“I prepared feedback on the first chapter as a sample so you can see if my review style suits your needs. If you’re happy with it and would like me to continue reviewing the remaining chapters, my beta reading service is paid. Please feel free to share your thought so we can proceed.”

Dear author here is my feedback on your first chapter

Overall First ImpressionThis is a compelling portal fantasy opening with strong emotional stakes. The confusion of waking up after death, the discovery of a new world, and the gut-punch of a family revelation create a powerful one-two-three punch. The voice feels appropriately young and terrified, and the reveal that the "kidnapping demons" might have been trying to rescue her adds wonderful moral complexity. I was genuinely pulled through to the end.
StrengthsThe opening hook is excellent – Waking up after decapitation, touching a wound that isn't there, questioning her own immortality, this lands with visceral impact
Sensory details ground the fantasy – The cloud-soft bed, the red sand glimmering under twin suns, the torchlight casting shadows, these make Jinasia feel real
The voice is consistent – Phrases like "Lucky me," "Idiots," and "I was officially losing my shit" sound like a genuine teenager in crisis
The pacing of the reveal – Starting with "Shadowy" as a nickname, then moving to "Dad," lets the reader piece it together a beat before she does, which works beautifully
Ruan standing up to the King is a terrific character moment, showing someone who can challenge him adds depth to both
Areas for ImprovementPacing & TensionThe middle section (wandering through corridors) goes on a bit long. While I understand you're building her desperation, after the third paragraph of "more corridors, no doors, I'm so tired," the tension starts to flatten rather than build. Consider:
Cutting the corridor wandering by about half
Adding a small discovery or scare earlier to break up the monotony
Using the window views more strategically—maybe she sees something below that raises new questions
Emotional Beats That Could Land HarderThe moment she falls to the bathroom floor crying is powerful, but it's undercut by moving quickly to "I had to get out of there." Let her sit in the relief of being alive just a moment longer before the panic sets in. A single sentence like "I pressed my forehead to the cold marble and just breathed" would give readers space to feel with her.
Similarly, the line "I was the demon princess. I was the enemy. My whole life had been a lie" arrives a little fast. This is the emotional climax of the chapter, it deserves its own paragraph, maybe even its own page. Slow down here. Let her think about Lionel making pancakes. Let her remember the men who came to kill her, and reframe them through this new lens. The revelation needs room to breathe.
The King's ViolenceThe King snapping a demon's neck for a mild suggestion is chilling, but it happens so quickly I almost missed its weight. This is your first real look at who this man is, consider drawing it out just a sentence or two:
One moment the blond demon was speaking. The next, his body crumpled like paper, his neck bent at an angle that made my stomach lurch. The King hadn't even looked at him while he did it.
Right now it reads as "snapped his neck in two. The floor turned black." The in two is also slightly awkward, necks typically snap once.
Worldbuilding Questions (Not Problems, Just Curiosities)If the demons were trying to bring her home, why did they attack her initially? (This may be answered earlier in the series)
Why is the castle empty during the day but patrolled at night?
The breach, is this a known thing, or is she guessing?
You don't need to answer these now, but they're the kinds of questions that show a reader is engaged.
CharacterizationIrash's voice is distinct and age-appropriate. Her plan-making ("problems one by one") followed by immediate despair feels very real for someone in over her head
The King is fascinating in just a few lines, beautiful, terrifying, possessive ("my little bunny"), and capable of casual murder. The hair detail (shifting colors) is a lovely touch that makes him feel otherworldly
Ruan stands out immediately as someone with spine. His dynamic with the King is one I'd want to see more of
The blond demon who spoke up and died, even in death, he serves a purpose: showing us who the King is
Worldbuilding/SettingJinasia feels appropriately alien and oppressive. The twin red suns, the endless desert, the castle that's more maze than home, all of it works. The detail about torches burning without sound is excellent, small, creepy, effective.
The throne room scene is visually striking. The scale (tiny demons compared to the room), the chandelier, the bone-and-gold throne, I could picture it clearly.
DialogueThe dialogue is sparse but effective. Standout moments:
"Did someone hurt you, my little bunny?" – the tenderness mixed with menace is perfect
"That's what you called me, but I rather you called me Dad" – a hell of a line
"Welcome home, princess Irash" – the unison bowing lands as a powerful visual
The only dialogue that felt slightly off was "Nian de la sheis..." – if this is demon language, it might benefit from context (is she recognizing the language? Does it sound like something Shadowy used to say?)
Pacing & StructureThe structure works: Death → Waking → Discovery → Escape attempt → Wandering → Revelation. The only structural issue is the wandering section's length. A good rule of thumb: if your character is bored, the reader might be too. Find ways to keep her (and us) engaged even in the maze.
The chapter ends on a strong cliffhanger, his hand on her arm, her trapped. Good instinct.
Final ThoughtsThis is a strong opening with genuine emotional stakes. The central question, "if I'm the enemy, who am I?", is timeless and powerful. Your strongest asset here is Irash's voice; she feels like a real person reacting to impossible circumstances.
The main revision opportunities are:
Trim the corridor wandering to maintain tension
Slow down the big emotional moments (the bathroom relief, the "my whole life was a lie" revelation)
Let the King's violence land with more weight, it's your first impression of him as a threat and a father
I'm genuinely curious where this goes. The setup suggests a story about identity, belonging, and the families we're born into versus the ones who raise us. If you lean into those themes, this could be something special.