I breathed into my freezing hands one last time as a feeble attempt to warm them. It must have been thirty below tonight, and I'm stuck in the cold with nothing but a light jacket. I had missed the last bus home already, the price to pay for staying at my brother's place too long. But I rarely got a chance to see him these days, so I tried to make the most of it. I suppose I could have asked him for a ride, but having him drive two hours at three in the morning didn't seem like a plausible idea. Not when he had to be there for his wife, almost eight months pregnant now, with my little niece. My brother had secretly let me name her, Faith.
I scrolled through the address book in my cellphone and called my roommate. After about five rings, he finally picked up.
“Mmm?”
“Hey man, it's Luke. You sleeping?” My breath came out in white puffs.
“Mmm...”
“Can you come pick me up?”
“Mmm.”
“I'm in Surrey.” I heard the phone click on the other end and I sighed. He hung up on me, of course he did. We were roommates, not friends, I wouldn't pick him up either if our roles were swapped.
I looked around at the empty bus loop and sighed again. There were plenty of buses, just no drivers. In the dark this almost looked like a train yard, each bus parked right up against the next one, forming a long chain of blue rectangles. I guess there's no point in staying out in the cold, better find an open diner or something. It's amazing how the streets look at this time of the night, a whole different brand of people wander them now. I zipped up my jacket and scanned the various shops I passed, the interiors were all dark and each had their own rendition of a faded closed sign.
“Hey buddy, got a smoke?” A voice behind me rasped.
I pulled out my pack of cigarettes and saw that there were only two left. I tossed it to him and he smiled, a dentist's nightmare between his lips. “You don't look so good man.”
“I'll be fine little dude, just needed a smoke.”
“I'm sure.” I said and went on my way again. About three blocks down I spotted a faint light coming from one of the small buildings. I told myself not to get my hopes up, it could just be the local 7/11. I don't even care about getting home anymore, I just wanted a hot meal and a warm bed. Diner first, motel second, that was the plan. Going back to my brother's was out of the question since trying to get a good night's sleep around a pregnant lady is impossible. Besides, I would just get in the way there.
As I got closer I could tell that it was indeed some sort of restaurant, I quickened my pace slightly. The cold was starting to get to me, I probably couldn't even talk right now with all the shuddering going on. I pulled the door open a little harder than one normally would, but one normally wasn't about to freeze one's ass off. Or at least one would hope not.
“Evening.” An old man at the counter said without looking up from what he was doing at his cash register.
I stood in the doorway for a few moments just enjoying the warmth that slowly washed over my body. I think I might recover some feeling in my fingers within the next minute or so. Of course the first feeling I would get is pain, but even that was welcomed over the numbness. Pain told me they were still alive, a page out of the book of emo.
“Evening sir.” I said as I approached the counter.
“What can I get you young man?”
“Something fast and hot please.” I rubbed my hands together a little and looked at the menu they had hung up behind the counter.
“Everything's fast and hot at this hour, it's the only thing anyone ever wants. So you're gonna have to make a choice.” He pointed up at the menu.
I scanned it for a few seconds and landed on the first thing I recognized. “I'll have a hamburger with a side of hash browns and a large coke.”
“Coming right up, go ahead and take a seat.” He pointed one wrinkled finger in the general direction of the seating area. I saw that there were actually more people in here than I expected. Five or six of them were seated at various tables. I guess that made sense, who would keep a restaurant open at three am if no one came in to eat?
I spotted an empty table near the back and I headed towards it. I felt a smile on my face, almost a grin, I always did when a situation was finally going my way. With the hot meal coming soon, all I have left to worry about is the warm bed. I'll ask the old man for a motel when I pay for my meal, easy enough.
“Luke?”
My heart must have skipped a beat or something and I found that I couldn't breathe. I haven't heard that voice in over half a year, I was afraid to look. Memories that I didn't want to remember started coming back to me slowly, but I could control them for now. Inhale, exhale, repeat as many times as necessary.
“Felicity...” I put on a plastic smile and faced the girl that had once been a good friend. “Didn't expect to see you here.” Memories of my childhood rushed through my head and I was reminded of the fact I was a crybaby, maybe I still am.
***
“Luke?” Lissy yelled. “Where are you Luke?”
I was curled up in our treehouse hiding from the world. My brother and I built this treehouse when I was only eight, to me it was a sanctuary. It was a place I could run away to when I was feeling sad or angry. Being here and knowing that this small piece of paradise was built by our own hands, it always made me feel better. I was twelve at the time, and I had just received the news about my brother going away to boarding school.
“Are you up there Luke?” Lissy shouted from down below. “I'm coming up, so you better not be looking at porn.”
“Leave me alone!” I yelled back.
I heard Lissy climbing up the rope ladder and a few moments later, she was beside me trying to pull my head out of my blanket.
“Grow up Luke, stop acting like a baby.”
“I'm not acting like a baby.” My voice was muffled by the blanket, which I eventually lost control of. This wasn't the first time Lissy had to pry me out of that blanket, and it wouldn't be the last.
“Come wash up for dinner, Tyler's waiting for you.” Lissy tossed my blanket into a corner and looked at me sternly.
“Tyler's going away after this summer...” I mumbled. “Aren't you sad about that?”
“Of course I am.” Lissy's expression softened. “But I'm not going to hide up here and cry about it.”
“I'm not crying.”
“You may as well be.” She sighed as she took my hand in hers, like she always did when she was trying to comfort me. And it always worked. “Luke, you can't hang on to your brother forever.”
“I know that.”
“He'll come home for the weekends, we'll still get to see him.”
“It's not the same as going to the same school.” I said defiantly.
“It's just for one year, next year you'll be going too.”
“I'm going to be alone all year then.”
Lissy shook her head, “You still have me. I know I could never be like Tyler, but you know you can always come to me when you're lonely.”
“It's not the same.”
She smiled for a moment, and then hugged me tightly. I think that was the moment I knew, it all started from that hug, that smile, and the warmth I felt from her. I fell in love with my brother's girl.
“No, it's not the same,” Lissy said. “But sometimes different things are just as good, and maybe even better.” She held me for a few moments and then pulled away and frowned. “Did you take a shower today?”
“Maybe?” I shrugged, still in a daze.
“Gross Luke,” Lissy started to descend down the rope ladder. “If you're not washed up and at the table in five minutes, I'm going to tell all your friends at school I caught you reading porn with your pants down.”
***
I snapped out of my daze and realized that I had been standing there for a good half minute. Felicity was looking at me expectantly but also with a hint of amusement, like she knew exactly what was swirling around in my head. Of course she knew.
“Visiting your brother?” She pointed to the seat opposite of her and I sat down obediently.
“Was.”
“How is he?”
“Tired I'd imagine, baby's on the way.” I picked up a napkin and started to wipe my hands just to have something to do. An old habit of mine I never bothered getting rid of, it annoyed my mom to no end, dad never cared enough to notice.
“How far along is she? Paula was it?”
“Hailey, and eight months.” I said. Just then, the old man came by and set a plate in front of me. The burger actually looked quite appetizing, yet another pleasant surprise about this place. And his timing was impeccable, it was obvious that Felicity was still bitter about what happened. But who can blame her? I sure as hell can't...I was the one that betrayed her after all.
“So what are you doing up so late? At this diner no less.” I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from my brother, and our past.
“I could ask you the same question.”
“You just did. Sort of. And I answered, well more like confirmed.”
“I work the night shift here, which ended a few minutes before you stepped through the door. Thank God, or else I would've had to serve you.”
I laughed at the thought, “You always liked bossing me around, I guess I missed my chance for some payback.” I sipped my drink. “So you're working at night to pay for school during the day?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Must be tiring...” I mumbled. More to myself than to her. I took a large bite out of my burger to stop myself from apologizing profusely for something that I wasn't responsible for. Right now I felt like I was the cause of all of her hardships, and even though I knew it wasn’t true, the feeling just wouldn't go away.
“How are you getting home?” She waited for me to work through the food in my mouth.
“I dunno, I don't think I am. Probably gonna find a motel and stay the night.”
“A motel? You won't find one of those for a few miles.”
“Seriously?” I looked up from my burger and saw that she nodded. My shoulders slumped and I sighed. “Great.”
We ate in silence for a while, I stared mostly down at my plate feeling the heavy awkward mood in the air between us. She was my brother's fiancé, was. Things didn't turn out the way she had hoped, and that was mostly because of me. Was she angry when it happened? I don't even know, I ran away from it all. I ran like a coward. Truth is, I wasn't thinking clearly, or thinking at all when I broke their engagement. Why had I done it? Right, I was selfish.
“I got a spare bed at home.” She said suddenly.
“You sure?”
“I'm pretty sure.” She laughed, a cheery sound that was as bright as it was fleeting. I remembered the days I told countless jokes to her just to hear her laugh. “I walked past it this morning when I left the apartment. So unless someone broke in and stole it, I'll have a spare bed.”
“No I meant-”
“I know what you meant.” Her tone was cold now, but she slowly forced a smile. “Let's not think about that, let's keep this chance meeting happy.”
“Sorry.” I looked down at my plate again and saw that I had already finished my burger. When did that happen? I must have been starving. I wolfed down the hash browns and drained my coke. I couldn't help but smile in satisfaction of a good meal, despite the dark mood that was slowly creeping in.
“You done?” She pointed at my plate. Hers had been empty for the past five minutes or so, I guess she was waiting for me.
“Yeah.”
“I'm going to go warm up the car, you're paying for my meal.” She smiled and started to leave.
“I know.” I returned her smile when she looked back. Just like old times. I pulled out my wallet and headed towards the counter.
The one good trait I had was that I worked hard and I was never broke. I picked it up from my brother and he was like that because...he had to be I guess. My mom was always ill, some kind of liver disease I didn't want to know about. It's not that I didn't care, I just didn't want to know what was killing her, it was already too much to handle just knowing one day she wouldn't wake up. My dad spent his entire life working to pay the hospital fees and he rarely had time for us. He wasn't a bad man, and he wasn't a bad father by choice. He was just...weary, of life I suppose. My brother pretty much raised me, the only presents I ever got on my birthdays came from him.
“You take credit cards?” I asked.
“Sorry, cash only.” He pointed to a greasy sign near the cash register.
“No problem,” I pulled out two twenties to pay for our meal.
“It's only ten-fifty, Lissy's meal is free,” He gave me a toothy grin, yet another surprise, his teeth were probably whiter than mine. “Be sure to stop by again young man, we're open twenty four seven.”
“I just might,” I waved back at him as I headed out the door. Felicity was waiting for me at the curb, leaning on her car. Seeing that brought back another wave of memories, funny how it's the good ones that are the most painful right now.
“Took you long enough, it's freezing out here.” She said and then disappeared into her car. I crossed the sidewalk quickly and practically dove into the warm interior of the red Honda.
“How long till we get to your place?”
“Depends on how fast I want to get there.” Felicity shifted into drive and pulled away from the curb. She's the same girl she used to be, I smiled at the thought. I felt my drowsiness envelop me and I yawned. I was warm, well fed and tired. Felicity put on music at low volume, just like she used to when my brother and I slept in her car. All those road trips we took together, the three of us...all three of us running away from our lives. I closed my eyes and felt a tear roll down my cheek, I'm so sorry.
***
“Hey Luke.” My brother waved me over.
“What's up bro?” I looked past his shoulder at the unfamiliar girl standing there. Tyler had just come back from his first year in college and brought home some unexpected luggage. But she sure was pretty...
“I want you to meet someone.” He gestured to the girl. “Her name's Hailey.”
“This better not be what I think it is,” I narrowed my eyes. My brother wouldn't do that right? He's not that kind of person right? Tyler was the man I looked up to, I was always comparing myself to him and trying to be just like him. He wouldn't cheat on Lissy...
“I know what it looks like, and I'm sorry if it pisses you off Luke. But hear me out alright?”
“I'm listening.”
“Meet her with an open mind and an open heart, can you do that for me?” It felt wrong to have Tyler plead with me. How could I turn him down?
And so I obliged. I was reluctant at first, since my loyalties were with Lissy but soon I began to see why my brother liked this girl. It wasn't just because she was smart and funny and pretty and every other cliché thing you could say about a girl. She could connect with Tyler, she went through the same kind of life he did. Hailey had a little brother too, whom she had to raise herself since her parents weren't around. The warmth that exuded from her was comforting, it was like...she had this aura that told you everything was ok.
My brother and I have known Lissy for pretty much all our lives, we grew up together in the same neighborhood. Her parents were divorced and they spent more time thinking about themselves than Lissy. Just the same sad story being told by different kids you know? When she met my brother, it was like she found a family she could belong to. Tyler was that kind of guy. Lissy's been with us forever and I knew that she was in love with Tyler, but I also knew that Tyler mostly saw her as a little sister. As for me...I chose to run away from my feelings.
When Tyler proposed to Lissy on her eighteenth birthday, part of me felt happy for them and part of me was surprised. To me it just seemed like he did it out of duty to Lissy. Since he was everything to her, he had to do it right? That was the one part of my brother that I could never be like. Being so selfless was just beyond me. Was it nature or nurture? Probably both. I guess I could understand what my brother was going through, he had something that he wanted for himself now.
After he took Hailey to a motel, we went into our backyard to play some catch. Like we always did when we wanted to talk to each other, man to man.
“You know me better than anyone in this world.” He said quietly. “You know I'm not that kind of guy right?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I thought about the girl again. “Does Lissy know?”
“Not yet, and she may never have to.” Tyler sighed. “This is really hard for me right now... I need your help.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I can't decide. I know what I sound like right now. I know I might just lose them both, and I know that what I'm asking of you is wrong.”
“What do you need man? I ain't killing nobody, just putting that out there.”
Tyler laughed and shook his head. “I need to know who you think is a better match for me. Hailey and I...we're a lot alike I guess, same sort of childhood.”
“Yea...”
“And she needs me.”
So does Lissy...the words I should have said that day, I should have stuck up for her, I should have never let my brother change his heart. Sometimes I told myself that it wasn't in my control, I didn't have the power to make up my brother's mind. But the look in his eyes that day, he gave me all the power I needed. If I had told him to choose Lissy, she would be my sister-in-law by now. Lissy would be the one that's about to give birth to my niece. So why didn't I say those three words? Why hadn't I said, ‘So does Lissy’? Everyone needs someone they could lean on, someone to cry on, to depend on. From the looks of it, Tyler was all that Hailey had. I guess the feelings I had ran away from so long ago finally caught up to me that day.
“I'm sorry I burdened you with that choice Luke.” My brother said. “I really wish I didn't have to ask you...”
“It's alright.” I shrugged.
“No it isn't,” Tyler sighed. “But I just didn't know what to do.”
“I'll tell Lissy about this...”
“What?” He looked at me in surprise.
“It was my decision after all, right?”
“I guess but...it just doesn't seem right to involve you so much in this. This was supposed to be my problem, and I've already made you carry part of it for me.”
“Look bro,” I spoke with conviction. “I owe everything in my life to you. You were the one that taught me to read. It was always you that showed up to my school events. You taught me baseball, football, basketball, everything man. You were the one that raised me, I'm who I am today because you were always there for me.”
“Luke...”
“I know I'm a selfish asshole in most cases, but this time, I'm gonna give something back to you. I'm gonna do my best and give you the freedom to choose your love.”
“Thanks bro.”
“I'm gonna go over to Lissy's right now...wish me luck.”
I thought Lissy would freak out when I told her, but after listening to my entire story, including the part where I was the one that actually made the choice, she didn't seem angry. Just sad. A quiet sadness that I couldn't approach. I watched her cry silently for a while, the tears streaking down her cheeks, somehow not leaving any mascara trails.
“I'm sorry Lissy. If you want to be angry, be angry at me. I was the one that betrayed you, not Tyler.”
She only nodded and then continued to stare off into space as her tears started to soak her blouse. There was a little bit of sobbing too now and it made me feel like the scum of the earth. So I ran away. Like I always did. I had left her there that day, when I should have at least stayed with her, even if I didn't have anything comforting to say. But I ran.
Tyler stayed another week at home, but I didn't see much of him since he spent most of his time with Hailey. Showing her the town that he grew up in, telling her the stories of his past and rediscovering the memories of his childhood. As for me, I left town the same time my brother did. Tyler went to visit Hailey's hometown, to see her past, not so much her family. Same sad story, different kids. I took Tyler's car on a road trip across Canada. My summer was spent in moldy motel rooms, dollar-a-drink bars, and the backseat of my brother's car. Sleeping off the booze, and pissing the day away. At some points I did think about calling Lissy, but I decided to spend every one of those quarters on old pinball machines and outdated arcade games. After that summer, I started college, and life took over.
***
“Wake up Luke.” I felt fingers pinching my nose and I flailed my arms around in the dark. After a few more seconds, she let go of my nose and turned on the car lights. “Seatbelt, door, step out.”
By the time I was half awake, I was standing in her living room. A small apartment that was well decorated with the few pieces of furniture she had. My eyes stopped on a painting that she had hung on the wall near the couch. I painted it for her on her eighteenth birthday, funny isn't it? Tyler proposed to her, and all I had was a stupid painting. I was fully awake now.
“The bed's a pull out from that sofa, so get to work.” Felicity dumped some clean sheets and a pillow into my arms. “If there's a stain of any kind on these sheets, I'll kill you.”
“You still have my painting...”
“Of course I do, you put your heart into that.”
“Even after what I did...” I looked at her, I swallowed once trying to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth. This must be what guilt tastes like.
“I waited for you to call, Luke...but you never did.”
“I didn't have the guts to face you, after betraying you like that.” I looked away from her and back at the painting. It was the three of us under the big oak tree we used to have picnics under. In the background was a sunset that didn't exist anywhere but in the imaginations of artists, it was too beautiful to be real.
“Why not?”
“Because, I was afraid of seeing you when you hated me.”
“I never hated you Luke, I knew why you did it. I didn't like it, but I understood your reasons.”
“My reasons...” I shook my head. “I'm sorry that I was so selfish, I just...I don't know...”
“You do.” She pushed on. “You owe it to me to at least tell me why you did it. I want to hear you say it.”
“Will you forgive me if I do?” I laughed softly, hearing my own pathetic plea for forgiveness.
“I already have,” She walked over to me and kissed my forehead. “There's strength in forgiveness, use what I have given you to forgive yourself.”
At that moment, I felt a lock being opened in my heart. Felicity's words released me from the guilt that had been suffocating me and keeping me a prisoner all these years. A surge of emotion ran through me and I finally had the courage to face the mistakes I've made, face the feelings I have, and face the girl whom I love.
“I'm so sorry.” I dropped the sheets I was holding and hugged her tightly. “That day, I don't know what I was thinking, I didn't know what the right choice was. So I took the selfish choice, I wanted you Felicity, I always have.”
“I know...” She looked at the painting behind me, my brother was asleep in the shade and I was asleep in her lap. “I've always known.”
“Some part of me thought that I could be the one you would want, be the one that you needed.” I held onto her, not wanting to let go just yet. “But you were Tyler's girl, and you loved him. I couldn't let myself think about that and...I just...”
“I know Luke, you're not very hard to read.” She laughed a little. “I knew one day that it would happen, but I wasn't scared. Tyler had always treated me like a little sister, and I knew he would find his own love eventually. But I wasn't scared Luke, I had you.”
“I'm sorry it took me so long,” I let her go and picked up the sheets I had dropped. “I promise I'll spend the rest of my life making this up to you.”
“I don't need promises,” She smiled. “But I do need some sleep. Good night Luke.” She said from the doorway of her bedroom.
“Goodnight Felicity.”
“That's not my name.”
“Goodnight Lissy.
ns216.73.216.103da2
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