The cold air hit me like a brick. The bright afternoon sky didn't help.
I tried to not let that distract me as I moved in the direction of the main path away from Echo's hut. I didn't know where I was going. All I knew was that I needed to get away. Whether that meant going back to my own hut or just somewhere that was calmer, it didn't matter.
I kept walking, trying to focus on the sound of the snow crunching beneath my feet instead of the scene I had just left behind.
I told myself that leaving had been for the best. I was angry, Shade was scared, and staying probably would have only made things worse. All I needed was a little time to calm down. Then I could go back, explain myself, and make sure Shade understood that none of it was his fault.
But no matter how far I moved away from Echo's hut, I could still see the way he had backed away from me. The fear in his eyes. The careful distance he had placed between us.
My steps began to quicken, as though I could somehow leave the memory behind.
Instead, the village seemed to tighten around me. Every voice sounded louder. Every passing glance lingered longer than it should have. I tried to draw in a steady breath, but it caught in my throat, and the air never seemed to reach my lungs.
I could feel my hands start to shake.
Why would Raven say something like that to Shade when she had no intention of following through? It's like she wanted him to be disappointed in me. Hadn't that kid been through enough already?
My heart pounded in my chest as my breaths started coming out in short, rapid gasps.
What if I'd just ruined everything by becoming angry? All the times Shade had asked me if I was mad. All the times I sat by his side reassuring him that I wasn't. Now, I was. At a time that should have been the biggest relief for him.
I could feel sweat forming on my face, worsening the winter chill.
I was vaguely aware of someone calling to me, asking if I was okay.
Another bout of dizziness hit me, and my legs folded. I collapsed gasping and shaking into the snow, probably drawing the attention of about a dozen surrounding therians.
Their chattering filled my head.
"Oh, here we go again..."
"I think something might actually be wrong with him this time..."
"Typical Thorn, always wanting people to feel bad for him..."
"I don't think he's faking... Fear scent..."
"Okay, I'm worried..."
"What happened...?"
"Shade...?"
"Raven...?"
My throat went tight.
"I think we need a healer over here!" someone called out.
I didn't understand what was happening. Was this what Thorn's anger looked like? Was this what happened when he held back? Or had Raven's tests finally driven me over the edge?
"Thorn!"
The voice calling out to me was familiar.
I tried to lift my head as a set of footsteps rapidly approached.
Rain appeared in front of me, dropping to his knees as he took my head into his hands.
"Hey!" he called out to me, softer this time, "This is just panic, alright? Just panic. It will pass."
Panic? Over what?
"Here," Rain continued, "Do you want to hold onto me?"
He tapped a hand against his shoulder.
I lifted a hand out of the snow and placed it there.
"Good," Rain said, "We're near the healer's den. Would you like to go there?"
The healer's den... I knew it'd be warm and quiet there.
I nodded.
"Okay... Can you stand?"
Another gasp tore through my throat as I tried to balance myself on my knees. Rain and one other person helped me get up to my feet and guided me forward.
All around me, people threw out words of encouragement.
"You're safe here, Thorn."
"You're in good hands."
"Like Rain said, it'll pass."
I held onto those words. I was safe. Whatever was happening right now would pass. It felt terrifying, but I wasn't in any danger.
I held on until Rain had settled me next to the fire in the healer's den.
"David?" came Flower's voice, "Are you alright?"
Apparently, that was the exact wrong thing to ask right at that moment. Because I didn't know. I didn't know if I was okay.
My gasps came out quicker. My head became lighter. The chills turned into hot flashes. I pressed a hand against my chest as the tightness in my throat seemed to sink lower.
For a moment I thought I was dying.
"He's experiencing panic," Rain explained to Flower, "Please, do not make it worse."
Flower seemed to understand at once as she settled herself in front of me next to Rain.
"It's okay," she cooed softly, "You're safe here, and we're not going anywhere."
I nodded and reached out for them.
"Help..." I managed to choke out.
They each took a hand. Rain breathed slowly beside me, encouraging me to follow his pace without forcing it. It took some time. My throat and chest weren't exactly making the breaths I took in easy, but eventually the panic began to loosen its grip and my breathing slowed.
"That's it," Rain said, "Now tell me five things you can see."
I glanced around. The healer's den was dim, but there were plenty of objects still within my line of sight.
"Fire... herbs... a pot ... a bowl... and hides."
"Good," Flower said, "Now four things that you can feel."
I drew in another breath and let it out through my mouth as I squeezed my hands.
"Rain... Flower... furs... and..."
My throat threatened to go tight again. I almost couldn't find a fourth thing.
Then, I looked over to the fire.
"Warmth."
"I'll take it," Rain shrugged, "Tell us three things you can hear."
I dropped my head and listened to what I could hear around the healer's den and the village outside.
"Fire... wind... footsteps."
Flower nodded, "Now two things you can smell."
I inhaled through my nose. Easy.
"Smoke, and my own fear scent."
Rain and Flower both gave me a sympathetic look.
"Try not to focus on that second one too much," Rain said, patting my shoulder, "Lastly, what's one thing you can taste?"
I smacked my lips slightly, "Dryness?"
"I guess that counts. Now, what do you need?"
"Water."
Flower nodded, "Can I let go of your hand real quick?"
I nodded, letting Flower go off to collect a waterskin.
For the next hour, the two of them sat quietly beside me while I drank, rested, and slowly returned to baseline. Only after they knew I was comfortable again did they start asking questions.
"You looked like you were having a really rough time earlier," Rain commented, "Do you know why you panicked?"
I stared down at the waterskin in my hands.
"I got angry," I admitted.
Rain and Flower exchanged a look.
"That doesn't necessarily explain why you panicked," Flower stated carefully.
My fingers tightened around the container as I held it, the leather creaking in my grip, and I forced myself to relax before I ran the risk of Thorn's claws puncturing it.
"Shade was there," I explained, "He's asked me if I was angry with him more times than I can count. Sometimes all I have to do is look at him the wrong way, and he thinks that he's in trouble. I've spent all this time trying to convince him that he doesn't have to be afraid of me. That I'm someone safe that he can be around..."
My throat tightened again, but this time I could still breathe through it.
"And then I got angry."
"At Shade?" Flower asked.
I shook my head, "At Raven."
Neither healer said anything.
"Shade's toy was damaged this morning," I began, "The one made of rabbit pelts. Bunny."
Flower nodded, "The one he brings with him almost everywhere."
I returned the nod, "I told him I thought I could fix it. I guess Raven didn't believe me... Well, I did it. Not perfectly, by any means, but well enough. I brought him back to Shade, and that's when he asked Raven if they could return to the hut."
Flower's expression softened, "He wants to come home?"
"He does."
"And Raven?" Rain asked.
"She told Shade that if I managed to fix Bunny, the three of us could go back to the hut together."
Both of them became quiet.
"Did she mean it?" Flower asked.
I frowned, "No."
The word came out more bitterly than I'd intended.
"She didn't expect me to succeed," I continued, "Thorn wouldn't have known how to fix something like that. That, or he wouldn't have cared enough to try. I guess Raven had made a promise to Shade that she thought she wouldn't have to keep."
Rain let out a slow breath, "I see..."
I sat there and thought about the situation for a moment.
"I don't want to force her back into that hut. If she doesn't want to be around me, then she shouldn't be forced to be there. I'd meant it when I told her that she could take all the time she needed. I'd meant it when I said that decision was completely up to her."
"And you're angry because she made Shade believe otherwise?" Flower asked.
I nodded as I felt that anger flare again.
"He trusted her. He thought that if I fixed Bunny, everything would be alright again. What would have happened if I couldn't? Would she let him think that it was my fault that he couldn't come home?"
The fire cracked loudly between us, as if it were trying to snap me out of my thoughts.
I let that anger die with another deep breath and a sigh.
"I know she wasn't trying to hurt him," I said, "She's just gotten back from a far-hunt. I know she was overwhelmed when I saw her this morning. Shade probably kept asking, and she ended up saying the first thing she thought would get him to stop."
Rain lowered his brow, "That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be upset."
I rolled the waterskin between my palms, listening to its contents slosh around inside.
"When she admitted that she didn't mean it, I could feel myself getting angry. Then Shade started backing away from me," the memory of it made my stomach twist, "I saw his face, and I thought I had ruined everything I'd been working for. I thought all he saw then was Thorn getting angry again."
"But you aren't Thorn," Flower said.
I raised a brow at her.
I answered to his name for the sake of maintaining some semblance of normalcy in the village. I had to live with the consequences that came with having that name. I used his instincts in his body. I might not have his memories or lived his history, but from my perspective, I didn't need to.
To this village, I was Thorn. And that was that.
Flower shifted closer to the fire. There was no fear in her expression. No uncertainty. She looked at me with the same calm patience Grandma used whenever I became frustrated with something I couldn't fix.
"So you became angry," she started, "What did you do with that anger?"
I shrugged, "I left."
"Why?"
"Because I was scaring Shade."
Flower nodded, "Then you were able to notice that your anger was affecting someone you cared about. You removed yourself before you could cause him any more distress. Thorn wouldn't have done that."
I looked back down at the waterskin.
I knew she was right.
Thorn probably wouldn't have cared if his anger had frightened Shade. He might have left, but only after making sure everyone knew why he was angry first. He might have shouted. He might have blamed Raven, or Shade, or anyone else that had been in that hut.
I had wanted to shout. But I hadn't.
But I guess that's just how "Thorn" behaved now...
"Being angry doesn't make you cruel," Rain cut in, "It's what you choose to do with that anger that matters."
My shoulders still sagged, though I wasn't sure whether it was from guilt or exhaustion.
Because those were feelings that "Thorn" apparently felt now.
"I still scared him," I said.
"Yes," Flower replied, "And when you're ready, you can talk to him about it."
"What am I supposed to say?"
"Tell him the truth."
I raised a brow at her again. "That I became so worried about being angry that I panicked in the middle of the village?"
"If that's the truth."
I grimaced.
Flower's expression softened.
"If you can tell him about falling into the lake, then you can find a way to tell him that," she said, grasping one of my hands, "Shade may have been frightened when you left, but that doesn't erase everything you've shown him. Children don't lose trust because someone experiences a difficult emotion. They lose trust when adults repeatedly make those emotions their responsibility."
I blinked.
She was right.
The real Thorn probably wouldn't have said a thing to Shade about falling into the lake, but I was pretty sure he'd make how he felt about falling into the lake Shade's responsibility. Then Raven's.
Especially Raven's.
My gaze drifted towards the entrance of the healer's den.
"I should go back there and explain."
"Not yet," Rain spoke up.
I looked at him.
He reached over and placed two fingers against the inside of my wrist. After silently counting for a few moments, he released me.
"Your heart has only just stopped trying to escape your chest," he stated, "Give yourself some time."
I rolled my eyes. "I've already been here for an hour."
"And you nearly collapsed again when Flower asked whether you were alright."
"In my defense, that was a terrible question."
Flower gave me a shrug. "I was concerned."
"So were the dozen or so people that watched me fall into the snow."
Rain's mouth lifted into a small smile. "You're embarrassed."
"Of course I'm embarrassed!"
"Then that's probably a good sign."
A laugh escaped me before I could stop it. It wasn't much of one, but some of the tension eased from my shoulders.
Rain gave my shoulder an approving pat. "There. You see? You're already recovering."
I shook my head.
Silence settled over the den again.
Unlike the silence that had hung in the air inside of Echo's hut, this one didn't feel sharp or suffocating. The fire crackled softly in its pit. Bundles of herbs swayed overhead as they dried in the warmth of the den, filling the air with their bitter scent.
For the first time since I had arrived in this world, I allowed myself to admit how exhausted I was.
Not the kind of exhaustion that came from hunting, chopping wood, or spending the night trying to make a neglected hut feel like a home. Those things were familiar. That kind of weariness could be fixed with food and sleep.
This was something deeper.
Every person I met already had an idea of who I was. Every conversation felt like another test I didn't know I was being given until I had already taken it. If I did something Thorn would have done, I frightened people. If I did something he wouldn't have done, they stared and gossiped about it.
I was always worried about finding food, working, learning how to use this body, and taking care of Shade - how I could be useful and better myself here in some small way.
Underneath all of those worries lurked the questions I still couldn't answer. I had no idea how I had gotten here, what I was supposed to be doing, or why I had been placed in Thorn's life in the first place. Every unanswered question only sent the others circling back around again.
I had never stopped to think about what it all was doing to me.
"I don't know how long I can keep doing this..." I confessed, burying my face in my arms, "I'm so tired."
Flower's hand closed around mine again. "You don't have to do all of it at once."
"It feels like I do."
"You survived today," Rain said, throwing an arm around me, "You can concern yourself with what still needs to be done tomorrow. And the next day. And as many days as you're given after that."
A sad chuckle escaped me. "That sounds like something my grandfather would say."
"Was he wise?"
"Sometimes."
"And the rest of the time?"
"He was stubborn."
Rain nodded thoughtfully as he shot me a smirk. "It's easy to get the two of them confused."
I smiled despite myself.
Another quiet stretch passed before Rain checked my pulse again. This time, he seemed satisfied.
"You can leave if you feel like you're ready," he said. "But I want you to rest for the remainder of the evening. No hunting, no working, and no attempting to reorganize your entire hut."
"That was one time!"
"And it lasted all night."
I laughed softly as I pushed myself onto my feet. My legs still felt weak, but they held beneath me.
"If the panic returns, come back," Rain instructed. "Even if all you need is somewhere that's quiet."
I nodded. "Thank you. Both of you."
Flower rose and wrapped her arms around me.
I stiffened in surprise before carefully returning the embrace.
"You're safe here, David," she whispered. "Don't forget that."
My throat tightened.
This time, I let it.
"I know."
She released me.
Rain gave my arm one final reassuring squeeze.
I stepped toward the entrance and pushed aside the hide.
The afternoon had started giving way into evening. Long shadows stretched between the trees and the huts. The cold air carried the sound of conversation and the scent of food cooking over distant fires. The brightness that had assaulted me earlier had softened into muted shades of orange and gray.
All I wanted was to return to my hut, crawl beneath the furs, and sleep until morning.
Tomorrow, I could figure out what I was going to say to Raven. I could find some way to explain myself to Shade and reassure him that none of what had happened at Echo's was his fault. With a full night to think everything through, maybe I could find the right words without frightening either of them again.
For now, I just needed some time to myself to think and rest.
I took one step outside, then stopped.
Raven stood several feet from the entrance. Alone. Her arms were wrapped tightly around herself as she shivered slightly. Her long black locks had gathered into a tousled mess to one side from the wind, and her cheeks had started to turn red. She'd clearly been waiting there for some time.
Our eyes met. Her steely irises had the slightest blue tint to them now.
For a moment, neither of us spoke.
Then Raven drew in a shaky breath.
"Can we talk?"196Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86z9SWuFJI
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