I’m going to be twenty years old in two months. The Prince is going to be twenty-three in one week. Everyone is preparing for his coming of age ceremony. Everyone is lathering him in more attention than he could possibly know what to do with, except he does know what to do with it, and the entire kingdom is in a giddy frenzy. The joy of the Imperials is almost tangible in the air, and the whole Home Planet, which is definitely not my home planet, is preparing for the celebration.
This means of course that everyone needs extra energy to prepare for the upcoming celebration. A celebration that will span across the entire galaxy. And that, of course, means that all my people, all the people of the lower planets, are having to spend even more time giving their magic to power the technology of the Empire. The effects of the Prince’s coming of age are being felt all across the galaxy. And Arji has not been having the time to talk to me for the past month. I know that she’s suffering. I’m suffering too.
I’m lonely. So very lonely. I feel like a small child again, all alone and surrounded by Imperials, surrounded by abusers, surrounded by enemies. I’m older now, but it doesn’t really matter. Whenever I look at the Emperor’s family, even if Arji is here, I feel once again like I am a cowering child, silent and afraid and absolutely unprotected. Any time spent under the family’s looming glares brings back all the terrible memories of my childhood, so that they’re fresh in my mind, and creates new terrible memories all on their own. And now that I cannot talk to Arji, all of this is even worse than before.
I hate this family. I hate it so much. But at the same time, I cannot help myself from feeling some strange, writhing, twisting sort of affection towards them. I cannot help myself from feeling a disturbed sort of attachment. I love them. I hate them. I hate them with all my heart and I hate what they are doing to my people, but I cannot help but to love them at the very same time. For they are the closest thing to a family that I have ever had. They have been the ones around me for as long as I was alive.
I will use this love to my advantage. I will wield it as a weapon, and I will manipulate it as a lock pick, and I will use it to pick the locks that are keeping all my people in chains. But for that I have to be subtle, sneaky, and absolutely untraceable. No-one can know my plan. No-one can guess what it is that I am about to do. The pressure of everything that’s about to happen sits heavy inside of me, and I cannot let anyone know the burden which I carry.
Except for the resistance of course.
The palace is alive with people from all over the Home Planet, commanders and officials and dignitaries that are here to greet the Prince and wish him a merry coming of age. The activity all around means that I have to be especially busy during these weeks, attending to the guests and meeting all of their needs. This means that I have less time to plan, and less time to execute the plans that I make. It means I have to be on my feet and think on my feet. And there are more eyes all around me. There are more eyes I have to hide from.
I also have to give my magic far more frequently during these preparations for the Prince’s coming of age. I have to hook all the wires into myself and stand there, in burning, hot agony for hours and hours, multiple times a day. I have to thread the wires around my arms and legs and chest, through the holes around my lips. And I have to let them suck the magic from me, suck the power from me. Suck the life force from me. It hurts. It hurts so very much. But I am almost grateful for the physical pain. For the physical pain is a small, partial escape from the emotional pain that colours over my entire life. It lets me forget, for half a second, how surrounded by enemies I truly am.
But I won’t be here for much longer. I won’t be surrounded by enemies for much longer. I won’t even be a slave for much longer. Soon enough, sooner than any of us know, sooner than I can comprehend, I will be a free person, surrounded by forces that love me and only forces that love me. I almost can’t believe it. But I know that I have to believe it. I know that I have to put faith in it in the same way that I put faith in the fact that the sun shines and the rain cleanses and storms are not forever. Storms are not forever. And the storm that is my life, the storms that have ravaged my life, they will not be forever.
———
I am standing in attendance to the Prince while he is going over his wardrobe, picking clothes to wear. The different flowing and shimmering outfits fly off their places on the shelves and arrange themselves before him. All his clothes are so grand. They are so incredibly grand. Metallic and colourful and shining and lustrous. They glow softly and catch the eye beautifully, all of them designed by top fashion designers and made out of the best, most expensive materials. The colours and patterns swirl and change and shift, as do the fantastical shapes that the material is made into.
My clothes are incredibly plain compared to them, made of cheap cotton of a poorly-spun fabric. My clothes are usually frayed and worn, and even when I have new clothes, they are simple and drab and cheap. When I was young I used to be so sad about it. I used to think the Prince so beautiful and myself so plain and ugly. Now, now I am still upset about it, don’t get me wrong. But my sadness has turned into anger. Anger towards all the petty little inequalities that colour my life.
Still, I cannot spend much time focusing on that anger right now. I have a job to do. A job I got from my people, a job I got for my people, not a job I got from and for the Empire.
“May I have permission to speak?” I ask the Prince, breaking the very pregnant silence around us.
“Sure,” he replies, smugness in his voice. There is always smugness in his voice. And in his face and in his body and in his demeanour.
“Do you believe I am just like all the other monsters? That I don’t know my place? Your Highness.” I make sure to keep meekness and submission in my own voice. The carefully-crafted, precisely-acted meekness and submission that I keep in there always in order to keep myself and my loved ones safe.
“Do I what? What kind of question is that?” The Prince has always been a little aloof and disinterested. It should come as no surprise that he didn’t understand or believe what I said. Still, for some strange reason it hurts anyways.
“Do you believe that I am just like all the other monsters? Or do you believe that I am somehow different from them, your Grace?” I make sure to end all my questions with a dignifier, so that he is sure that I know my place. And to stroke his ego. If this plan is to work, his ego will need to be stroked.
“You’re a monster, boy. All the monsters are the same. None of the monsters are different from each other. Why should I believe that you are different from all the rest of them? You all have the same blood flowing through your veins.”
“But, your most esteemed Majesty, I grew up here with you. I grew up here with you and I learned much of the same things you learned. You Highness.”
“Are you trying to imply that you know as much as me? You may have been hanging around, but there is no way that you got the same education that I got. And any education would be wasted on a monster like you.”
“I’m sorry, your Excellence, you misunderstand. Of course I am not educated as you are. But I have learned about the glory of the Empire. I have learned about the benevolence of the Empire. I learned about all the great things that the Empire does to keep the peace and how it protects and takes care of all the Lower Planets. I know that the Empire is great, your Majesty.”
“Of course the Empire is great. It wouldn’t take any brains to know that. Everyone who can learn about the Empire and how it keeps the peace between the planets would know that it is great.” There is a sneer in his voice. That’s okay. He doesn’t have to like me. He simply has to think that I am mentally unstable and I’m trying to prove myself.
“I am not like the other monsters who hate and resist the Empire, your Majesty. I love the Empire and all of its greatness and all of its glory. I trust the Empire with my life and even with my death, and I want what is truly good for the Empire, just as you do. I am trustable. I am loyal. I am faithful and I am grateful. I am so very grateful. Your Highness.”
“Okay,” he replies, lightly perplexed, “it’s good that you’re loyal to the Empire, but why are you telling me all this information? Why do you think that I would care where your loyalties do or do not lie?”
“You don’t have to care, my Prince, I just wanted you to know. I just … I’m just tired of everyone looking at me as if I am an unexploded bomb. I am tired of people treating me as if I am a danger, a wild thing, a traitor. I want to serve you. All I want to do is to serve you well. And I am willing to do anything in order to prove that. I’m willing to do anything to prove that I am loyal. I’m willing to do anything in order to serve the Empire.”
“Okay. And why should I care?”
“You don’t need to care, your Excellence, I just wanted you to know. I’m grateful, and I wish for my gratitude to be acknowledged. It hurts, you know, being seen as a danger when I in fact pose none.”
“You should toughen up and deal with it, boy.”
“I am trying to be tough, your Grace. But it’s hard sometimes. It is really hard sometimes.”
“The most important things are the hardest.” He echoes back what he has heard his father say. I know that he would not normally give his father’s advice to a slave. I understand that the walls between us have been broken a little bit, and he is letting the tiniest bit of camaraderie into our relationship.
“Thank you most kindly, your Excellence. I will try to remember. I appreciate you and your words of encouragement greatly.”
“Okay, boy.” He looks away from me and goes back to looking over his outfits. On the outside, I don’t show it, but on the inside I am smiling. A sly, sparking, smirking smile. This conversation went exactly according to plan. Hopefully all the next conversations after this also all go according to plan.
———
I pray silently in my head that the resistance will make it through. I know that they might not. I know that they are trying their very best. But I know that there is nothing I can do right now. Nothing to help them in their quest. Nothing except praying to gods who do not care, who have never helped us, who might not even exist. Everything else rests upon the brave shoulders of the incredibly cunning resistance members, who are literally giving their lives to the mission.
They have to get to the tunnel of the void bubble. They have to get to the tunnel and they have to die. It is literally a suicide mission that they are involved in. They are involved in this suicide mission, they are giving their lives for this mission because everything depends on it. Everything depends on what we do here, now, all together. And they feel that their lives are not as important as the lives of all the other future generations for millennia to come.
I am so grateful for them. I am so beyond grateful.
Right now I am fetching the suitcase of one of the dignitaries. I speed my way through the grand and twisting halls of the palace, knowing where everything is because I have to know where everything is. I lug the heavy box and make my way through the grandeur and opulence all around me, not truly seeing any of it and just navigating through, working. I never truly get to take in the grandiosity all around me. It’s all work, work, just work, and my surroundings are all a part of just the work that I have to do.
I arrive, and hand over the suitcase to the woman who asked me for it.
“Here you go, your Reverence.” I bow to her meekly. She doesn’t thank me.
“There has been an attack on the World Stones!” The Emperor’s voice pierces through the air as he rushes into the room where all the officials are, where the Prince is.
“What?!” the Prince exclaims, “Who could have done this?!”
“Those pathetic monsters from the Lower Planets, that’s who!” the Emperor exclaims.
I say nothing. I make sure to hide my smile. I make sure that they do not see me, they do not hear me, and even if they do see me or hear me they do not notice anything amiss.
“Those flimsy maggots!” the Prince declares, “I will get them! All of them! I will make them pay for what they’ve done!”
Years. Years and years of planning have all come to a head. The resistance has done their part. They have done their part beautifully. And now I have to do my own part.
“They have payed, my son,” the Emperor explains in his haughty, faux wise voice. “They died the second they came into contact with the protective barrier at the front of the tunnel. They did not expect for it to be as great and as strong as it was.”
My heart squeezes in my chest. They died. They died. My comrades died. I knew that they would die. They knew that they would die. We all knew. But still, hearing this sends a wave of bitter melancholy through me. They should not have had to do this. They should not have had to sacrifice their lives in order to bring us freedom. Along with the sadness, I also feel guilt, twisting and writhing in my gut. It was to cover my tracks that these brave people died. It was to cover for me.
“Where are they?” The Prince storms his way through the halls and towards the tunnel in the void. All of the officials trail after him, followed by the Emperor. I follow behind all of them, the last in the line, as I always am. I make sure to keep my face blank and meek.
The resistance fighters do not even look like people anymore. They look like masses of blood and flesh strewn everywhere. I feel sick. But I fight with every single ounce of my strength to keep it out of my face. I cannot have the Imperials knowing how sick I feel. I cannot vomit here, with everybody looking at me, when I know that so much depends on them thinking that I am loyal. So, instead of vomiting, I force the corners of my mouth upwards into a small smile.
They were brave people. They were really brave. And I have to make sure that their sacrifice will not be for nothing.
“We have to kill everyone responsible for this!” the Prince demands.
“We will, my son,” the Emperor promises, “we will crack down on the resistance and find everyone responsible.”
“But that’s not enough, father. We have to make the monsters pay for what they have done. This demands a war.”
“No, my son. We cannot waste troops and lives in order to start a war. We need the magic that the monsters provide in order to power our Empire. We cannot kill too many of them.”
“But father! They have to pay! How can we ensure that they do not try something like this again?”
“We cannot afford a war my son. You will understand when you’re older.”
The conversation moves to something else, with the nobles all joining in, and I wait patiently on the sidelines like a good little slave until it’s my turn again with the Prince’s attentions. The party drifts through the palace into a grand and shining sitting room, and I stand in the background like I am supposed to do. I get called to do jobs here and there, and I do them, and I wait until they are all done talking and they retire back into their rooms.
The Prince walks back to the void tunnel, which is now cleaned of all the traces of the resistance fighters. He looks down through the tunnel pensively, clearly deeply troubled at the events which haven just occurred. It makes sense. There was an attempt on the items that keep the Empire strong. Why wouldn’t he, the Empire’s favoured son, be perturbed?
“Permission to speak, your Highness?” I ask.
“Sure,” he replies, “why not. You’ve been speaking a lot today.”
“I’m sorry your Highness. But I do agree with you. Something must be done to ensure that the monsters can never gain access to the World Stones. More needs to be done to keep the Empire safe.” There we go. I planted the seed of explanation for the act I am about to undertake very soon.
“Yes. The Stones are too precariously placed and the monsters are too savage. They will do anything to get their Stones back.”
“Yes, your Highness, they will. We need to keep the Stones safe from them. You are absolutely right.”
“We need to make sure the monsters know their place,” the Prince continues, “we need to make sure they are sorry for ever having crossed us.”
“They do need to know their place,” I agree, “and they need to be taught their place if need be, if they get too uppity.”
“You know your place really well,” the Prince tells me, “you follow our commands and you give us loyalty.”
“I would do anything for the Empire,” I lie to him, “I would do anything at all.”
“I will retreat to my rooms now,” the Prince tells me, “do not follow me.”
“Yes of course, my Prince.”
He leaves. And I am left standing there alone. I walk away, in a different direction, not letting the guards at the tunnel know what I am feeling inside.
The resistance members sacrificed themselves so that the Imperials will think that the resistance already carried out their plan for retrieving the World Stones. This way, when I go to retrieve the World Stones, the Imperials will not connect my actions back to the resistance. They will think my actions could not possibly be the work of the resistance. Because if the resistance was just going to use me to retrieve the World Stones, what was the point of sending others to try to retrieve them and die in the attempt? In this way, the resistance is covering my tracks. In this way. The Empire will not expect anything.
Because if I was connected to the resistance, if I was in communication with the resistance, then surely I would have told these brave warriors about the force field protecting the tunnel. So therefore I’m not connected to the resistance. So therefore it’s very unlikely that I’m trying to do anything to help the resistance’s cause.
———
I am alone with the Empress, and this is a good time. The Empress is kind to me. Actually, no, that’s a lie, but the Empress is kinder to me than the men in her family. She treats me like a thing, always, and she treats me as unequal, not able to shine as brightly as her husband and her son. But the Empress does sometimes treat me like a delicate thing that could break if treated too roughly. And she sometimes asks me how I am doing.
I am brushing her hair right now. She prefers to have her hair brushed by real people. Not by the robots that usually do it for everyone else. She says that this way it feels nicer, more comfortable, more intimate. Her husband and son usually don’t have the time to do it. And so the responsibility falls on me. Not that I can say no, unlike her husband and her son. Maybe that’s why she enjoys making me do it so much.
I run the brush through her incredibly long blond curls. Her hair is soft and silky and shining and beautiful. I don’t know how it ends up being as beautiful as it is. It’s almost like a wig. I almost enjoy brushing it, bringing the comb through all that silky beauty. It feels strangely intimate. As if I am a part of something, as if I belong with someone. Still, these emotions feel more like the ghosts of real emotions rather than feeling like real emotions themselves. It’s not as if I’m truly wanted here. I’m just a stand in for better people.
But today I have something important to do here. Something beyond just brushing her hair. I have something that Arji would want me to do, something that our friends would want me to do, something that the resistance would want me to do, something that the people would want me to do. Something that I want to do. My wants and the people’s wants are one and the same. I do not know where I end and they begin, where they end and I begin. We are all part of the same whole.
“Permission to speak, your Highness?” I ask humbly.
“Of course, Ikkret.” There is a hint of compassion in her voice. I know I’m not a lost child anymore, but I allow myself to soak it up like a plant desperate for water anyways.
“I thank you for everything that you have done for me, my Lady. All the kindness that you’ve shown over the years is greatly appreciated.”
“Of course, Ikkret. It’s the responsibility of the Empire to be civilized, even to lesser beings such as yourself.”
“Of course, my Lady. And I am beyond grateful to the Empire for all it has done for me. I am beyond grateful to your family for all of the kindness and the mercy you have shown.”
“Thank you, Ikkret.”
“And do you want to know something else, your Majesty?”
“What is it, Ikkret?”
“I have often felt as if I were a part of your family myself. I have often felt as if I was a son of yourself and the Emperor, not in the same way that the Prince is of course, but in my own strange way nonetheless.”
“Why have you felt this way, Ikkret?”
“Because, my Lady, you have raised me since I was but a baby. You have fed me and clothed me and sheltered me and protected me for all of these many years. You have been there for me all throughout my life. You, your husband, and your son, you have always been around me, you have always been there for me, just as a family would. And I am so grateful. And in the face of such kindness, why would I not feel as though you were my own family? Why whould I not feel as if I belong here, as if I belong with you?”
She is silent for a while after hearing this. Finally, she speaks.
“I am honoured that you think of us this way.”
“And what’s more, your Highness, I would do anything to show that I am grateful to you. I would do anything to help and protect my family, and to help and protect the Empire that took me in and raised me as their own.”
“I’m sure you would, Ikkret, I’m sure you would.”
“I know you don’t see me as your child, your Majesty, but I see you as my mother nonetheless. And I want you to know that.”
Thre Empress looks at me for a while. She brings up one hand to card it through my own cropped, dark hair. Finally, tears form in her eyes and she blinks them away.
“Thank you Ikkret. That is very valuable to me.”
“Thank you as well, your Majesty.” The lies leave my throat like water. I’ve always been very good at lying. I’ve always had to be very good at lying. And this skill is proving beyond valuable to me now.
I continue brushing her hair, thinking of Arji this whole time. Arji who took me in without a second thought once she found out what situation I was in. Arji who always treated me as an equal. Arji who always treated me as one of her own, and never treated me like a monster. I’m beyond glad that I have her. And I also cannot let anyone know that I have her. I cannot let anyone know that I have someone willing to be a real mother to me, that I have people willing to be my real family.
———
Now is the time where everything is coming to a head. Now is the time that will make or break me. That will make or break all of us. I can’t mess up now. I can’t mess up now. I can’t mess up now, I can’t mess up now, I can’t mess up now.
The Emperor had told me to go tell the guards in the tunnel to double their numbers. He had declared it with his high and proud voice, full of dignity and knowledge and grandeur. He had told his son that he was taking his concerns into consideration and at his request he was doubling the guards placed in the tunnel, from eight to sixteen, so that if all else failed, the guards would at least be able to take on any thieves and protect the World Stones.
The Prince had seemed slightly upset still, and I know why. The Prince is war-hungry. He is bloodthirsty. And if he could take an opportunity to fight, especially an opportunity to fight the people who he thinks of as monsters, he would be fully sated. He is satisfied with the increase of guards, and he voiced that satisfaction very strongly, but he is not satisfied by the fact that after everything that happened, he will still not be sent off to war. Still, he knows to be glad for the fact that the Emperor listened to him. It showed him that the Emperor values his input and respects his leadership capabilities.
I walk to the barracks where the extra guards are training. It’s a very long walk. During the walk I practice in my head everything that I am going to say, everything that I am going to do. I think of every single step I will take, I think of every single posture and movement I will make. I practice my expression and my voice and my fake tears. I am glad that there is no-one around me right now, for that means that I can let my guard down just the tiniest bit as I work to calm myself before the grand finale.
I get to the barracks and tell the guards what the Emperor told me, that their presence is needed in the tunnel, that they need to send their best soldiers down to the tunnel to guard it. The soldiers in the barracks laugh at me. They taunt me. Calling me skinny, calling me scrawny, calling me weak. They calll me a monster. But it’s all things I have heard before. It’s all things that I do not really mind if they call me. Well, I do mind. I really do. But I tell myself that I don’t. I tell myself that I don’t and I take it and I help guide the chosen warriors down to the tunnel.
When we get there, I tell the guards that they are going to have new comrades amongst themselves. And I tell them that the Emperor decreed that from now on there will be sixteen guards to look after the tunnel instead of eight. The warriors already there greet the warriors that I have brought in as comrades and brothers. And they listen to the Emperor’s words good and well, as they always do.
I feel sorry for all the Imperials, actually. I feel sorry for them, because they are not free either. They have to listen to the Emperor and his family, the same as we all do. Sure, they’re not slaves. Sure, their magic is not harvested in order to make energy for all the technology that runs everything. Sure, they get more freedom than those of us who are slaves. But ultimately they are not free. Ultimately they still have to obey. And that’s not fair. It’s really not. Everyone deserves to be free. Free from the tyranny of the Emperor.
I will set them all free. I swear to whatever gods do or don’t exist, I will set them all free.
“One more thing,” I tell the guards, meekly, “the Emperor told me to transport the World Stones to him so that he may check that they are indeed whole.” This is a lie, but I have to lie. I’ve always had to lie. I have to save everyone.
“Okay, slave,” the head guard agrees, letting me pass through the tunnel.
The tunnel thrums under my feet and my breath comes choked and heaving in my chest. I can feel all the immense energy all around me, being used to keep the void away, being used to create a small little bubble in the manic darkness all around me. I feel so full being here. So full of energy and so completely empty at the same time. I wonder how the guards can handle it.
Finally, I reach the chest where all seven Stones are kept. I breathe deeply. And I take the box into my hands.
In order for the Empire to think that the Stones are truly lost, in order for them to not go out looking for the Stones, they need to think that the act I am about to do is for the sake of the Empire and not the sake of the resistance. So I have to play this next part exactly right.
I walk to the edge of the void and hold the chest out in front of the void.
“What are you doing, boy?!” a guard demands.
“I’m helping the Empire,” I lie, smothering my voice with emotion. “I’m keeping the Empire safe.”
“Just …” he doesn’t know what to say, “just don’t move. I’m getting the Emperor!”
I wait until the Emperor arrives, trailed by the Empress and the Prince.
“What are you doing, boy?!” the Emperor shouts.
“I’m keeping the Empire safe! The only way to protect the Empire, the only way to stop the monsters from getting the World Stones is to destroy them in the void!” My heart is racing. I make it obvious that my heart is racing.
“Come back with those Stones right this second, you ungrateful brat!” They can’t just kill me. All energy takes time to go through the void bubble, and I would detect it and destroy the stones before any blast reached me.
“No, your Highness, I am grateful! I am so grateful to the Empire! I’m so grateful for all you have done!” I make tears steam down my face as I say this, and I turn to face him so that he can see my tears, my snot, my desperate crying. “I am grateful and I want to show that I am grateful! I want to show that I can help the Empire! Please let me help the Empire!”
“If you know what’s good for you you will back down right this very second!”
“I’m not like the other monsters! I’m not like them!” I make my voice break as I speak these words. “I would do anything to protect you! I would do anything to protect all of us! Please hear me out! I’m doing this for you! Please accept me!”
“Why are you doing this?” the Prince asks.
“Because, you see how dangerous the monsters are. You’ve seen how they tried to steal the World Stones! The only way that the World Stones will be free from them is if we get rid of them! If we throw them into the void, that’s the only way to protect them from being captured!”
“Why are you doing this?!” the Emperor demands.
“I’m doing this for you! I’m doing this for all of you! I’m doing this to prove my loyalty! I’m loyal! I swear I’m loyal! Please see that in me! Please!”
“You will never be more than a slave!” the Emperor shouts. “It does not matter what you do for the Empire or what you do for us, your position will not change!”
“I love the Empire anyways,” I tell him, fake sureness and fake defiance in my voice. “I love the Empire and I am willing to do anything to protect the Empire.”
“Please come back!” the Empress begs. “I will miss you! I won’t be able to live without you!”
“I’m sorry, mother,” I tell her, putting as much sorrow and regret into those words as I can. I let more tears stream down my eyes.
And I take the chest of World Stones. And I step with them, into the void, into the blackness. Into the nothingness that is everythingness and the everythingness that is nothingness. All seven stones and myself.
————————
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