Lunch break. 44Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREMqJFH6VV
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I found myself speechless. It was not because I was moved by Takeda’s passion. But because I was finding it more uncomfortable when, all of a sudden, I had to figure out how to answer his request that I was not prepared for. Yui, standing beside me, tightened the grip of her hand on mine. I could sense that it wasn’t about concern or worry; instead, what I sensed was the twinkle in her eyes when she muttered to herself excitedly, like "Oooh" or "Wow."
I sometimes looked at Takeda, at his earnest and resolute eyes, his posture that was filled with anticipation, the way he clenched his hands to brace himself for my answer, and the pain that started to build in his face whenever I let more seconds pass in silence. Half a second was enough for me to recognize all of it before I looked away. It was getting awkward, and I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I had to. Because I already knew the answer I had decided on.
“I’m so—”
“Isn’t it fine?” Hina, still sitting on the chair, answered for me.
I turned to her in surprise. That wasn’t what I wanted to say. Why was she saying it was fine?
“It’s not a total confession, and you can tell he took a lot of courage to come and ask for another chance,” Hina continued, and she smiled at me. A smile that I couldn’t read.
“I mean… I did get the curry from him.” Yui, beside me, pulled my hand to get my attention. And her eyes were still glittering. “Just think about it more, you'll still have plenty of time to think about it!”
“But—”
“Yui’s right.” Hina stood up and walked over beside me. “You don’t need to answer anything right now,” she insisted. “All you need to do is give him another chance. Then even if, in the end, you'll still think the same way, at least you gave him and yourself the opportunity to think this through.”
“Isn’t that kind of unfair?” I asked. I was thinking that turning him down now would be a better decision rather than making him wait for me to just say the same answer I already had in mind.
“The purpose of his request is to see if you can change your mind and think better of him,” Hina clarified. She stepped a foot back and moved her body with it. Then she tilted her head while glancing at me. “Your answer might be different afterwards,” she added.
I embraced the quiet for a moment. I… What was the right thing to do here? Usually Hina would give me advice that would objectively make sense. This time it made me hesitate to take it.
The answers were not arriving into my thoughts. So I decided to look around.
Yui was just staring at me. Her eyes were amused and wondering, while her mouth froze in the thrill of awe and suspense. Maybe she was even holding her breath, but I had already turned my eyes toward Hina before I could confirm. And what I found in Hina’s eyes was… nothing…
I sighed.
Then I decided to glance at Takeda. Though, after I saw him, I thought maybe I shouldn’t have. The hope drawn on his face was gnawing at my conscience. Would I be rude if I didn’t give him another chance?
I lowered my head and closed my eyes. And immediately, two different roads appeared in my mind. One that I knew I would stumble on if I decided to take a step into it. And one that I was reluctant to follow. But both roads were pulling me in for different reasons and pushing me away for the same excuse.
The lure of wonderment and intensity…
And the weight of grace and leniency…
Both paths had their pull pushed away by fear and uncertainty…
…Why was I thinking that I had to choose one over the other? Like I had options to begin with… I had already chosen—
Wait? Chosen? What? Huh?
“Miyase-san?” Takeda asked, worried. When I finally opened my eyes, his were the first thing I saw. And it made me give in. Not because I wanted to. But because I felt the need to.
“O—” I stuttered and bit my tongue. I closed my mouth from embarrassment, but when no one was talking, I knew I had to continue. “Okay,” I finally said.
“Really!?” Takeda shouted in disbelief. His eyes widened, but I was still unsure of my answer.
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “Just don’t—”
“Yes! Thank you!” he yelled, almost jumping from where he was. He clenched both his fists right against his chest and was laughing silently in celebration.
And I… I got curious…
I wasn’t answering a confession, but the joy it gave him when I agreed to give him another chance... Somehow… It made me smile a little…
Suddenly, my eyes started to search for Hina. When I saw her, the smile she had now carried hints of contentment, which became more noticeable when she closed her eyes and a quiet sense of satisfaction slipped out in her sigh. I tilted my head, a little attempt to examine her thoughts. But before I could, she spun and went back to take a seat on the chair. I attempted to face her and ask directly—
So now that we’re done with that stuff!” Yui cut in and grabbed my attention. “It’s time for some little interrogation,” she claimed with such elation she was almost skipping her steps toward Takeda, whose celebration shifted into confusion.
“W-what do you mean?” Takeda asked with concern.
“I meant, sit down!” Yui commanded.
“But… there are no chairs available.”
“The floor is clean,” Yui insisted, holding her waist with two hands.
“Uhhh…” Takeda stuttered as he checked the floor. “That’s kinda—”
“Just do it! Or else I’ll make Runa change her mind!”
“Wha—” Takeda flinched in surprise, then he looked at me. I looked away. “F-fine,” he surrendered.
Takeda crossed his legs and sat on the floor. He placed his hands near his knees, closed his eyes, and took a long, deep breath. When he finally opened his eyes, a strong determination radiated from him. And it radiated so brightly that I had flinched away from it.
“Alright! Hit me with what you got!” he announced.
“Hmm… are you sure you are ready?” Yui asked while reading Takeda’s expression. She folded one arm across her chest and propped a hand under her chin, stroking an invisible beard.
“I am!” Takeda declared.
“Then answer my questions honestly!” Yui demanded.
Takeda stared at Yui intensely and nodded. But Yui wasn’t fazed; instead, she started pacing back and forth.
“What is your favorite food!?” Yui asked immediately.
“Beef—Huh? What now?”
“Don’t think! Just answer!”
“Ah… well okay, beef stew!”
“How tall are you!?”
“185 centimeters!”
“What is your favorite sport!?”
“Basketball!”
“Why do you like Runa!?”
“Because she’s pretty!”
“AHA!” Yui stopped pacing around and stood before Takeda. She pointed a finger at him as if she was trying to accuse him of a crime. “Your reason is too shallow, Watson-kun! Sounds like you’re only after Runa’s looks!”
Watson who?
“I—” Takeda stiffened. Then he looked at me.
I felt awkward, so I crossed my arms and pretended I wasn’t paying attention, instead, I looked at Hina.
But Takeda recomposed himself and sat properly. He glanced at Yui’s eyes with genuine sincerity. “Yes, that’s how it started,” he explained. “When I saw her last year at the beginning of the term, I was mesmerized immediately.”
I turned to him…
“It’s true, I am shallow. I was back then too,” Takeda admitted. “That’s why when Miyase-san rejected me, I tried to change.”
“Mhm,” Yui responded with a nod. “Continue.”
“And… uhh… obviously I was still interested in her after, but…” Takeda took a peek at me but quickly turned away as he started flushing red. “When I started looking at her, at who she really is, I realized…”
“Realized?” Yui encouraged him to continue.
“That… uhm… well… you know… that I l—” Takeda steadied himself. “I like Miyase-san.”
Takeda averted his eyes to the floor and scratched his head lightly.
I… I didn’t know what to say. At that point, it became harder for me to look at him. And heat started gathering toward my cheeks. But I still urgently walked toward Yui.
“Interesting,” Yui said, unsuspecting of my approach. But when I placed a hand on her shoulder from behind, she turned around to look at me with the biggest smile and smug eyes that I had never seen from her before.
I shook my head. “Yui, don’t you think this is a bit too much?” I whispered to her as I leaned closer to her ear.
“Nope,” Yui whispered back. “We’re still getting on with the most fun—I mean the most important part,” she said as she wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth.
“To tell you the truth,” Takeda continued without waiting for Yui to ask. “I had decided to just give up. I joined the basketball club for that reason,” he explained. “But this year, we’re all in the same class, so…”
“Mhm, yes, right, yes,” Yui nodded with every word Takeda said.
“...So I had the opportunity to see more of her.” He drifted his eyes toward me. His usual sharp eyes had become dull and softened with his stare. “When I realized her kindness, her thoughtfulness, and her smile that glowed cheerfully whenever she was with you guys.”
I was holding my breath. I couldn’t help but listen to what he was saying. I didn’t know that being complimented like this felt embarrassing, touching, and confusing at the same time. I had heard these many times before. But being able to hear it without a hint of flattery, just pure honesty—it made my heart race. No matter how much I tried to tell my heart to stop, it just kept racing on its own.
“And most importantly…” he continued, “I learned that Miyase-san had bad grades, haha.” He finished what he said with a slight awkward laugh.
My eyes widened, and I frowned, questioning his real motives for saying that. I was here, confused about what I was feeling with all those compliments, only to be insulted at the end. I opened my mouth to protest.
“I know the struggle,” Takeda interrupted before I could say a word. “Because I am struggling with my studies, too. When I already accepted that, what I saw from Miyase-san was different.”
I closed my mouth.
“She was persistent, she never gave up and worked hard. And then after midterms, her grades improved,” he said.
“How did you know that?” Yui asked. “Her grades weren't posted; only the top 100 in our grade got posted.”
“I asked Mika-san,” Takeda explained.
“Why were you asking about my grades?” I asked suspiciously.
“Umm… I’m sorry, but I was just curious,” Takeda answered, with guilt hanging in his voice from my accusation. “It’s just that, you know, I just wanted to see the result of your hard work. I was kinda rooting for you.”
My frown left my face. I was not expecting that answer. But I was still insisting in my mind that he shouldn’t be prying into someone else’s grades. Yet, I kept quiet.
“That’s the thing that I really… umm… admired about Miyase-san, that’s when I started to know that I wasn’t just interested in her, but also started to—you know already,” Takeda continued.
“So, what made you decide you wanted to confess again?” Yui asked.
“Because last year, I confessed to her because I was attracted to her. But now there is more than that attraction. And when my feelings grew for her, I just couldn’t let last year’s mistake be the end of it.”
Takeda stood up.
“Last week, we had a match against a tough opponent and we nearly lost.” He looked at me. “But when I started thinking about Miyase-san, I was reminded that no matter how hard it is, if you never give up, there will always be a way to turn things around.”
“Did you win?” I asked curiously.
“Yes,” he answered, looking into my eyes. And I did not look away. “That is when I knew I needed another chance. Because this time, I am serious.”
I opened my mouth. But then I left it hanging. What was I going to say?
“So if you don’t mind,” Takeda bowed deeply. “I know, I am being greedy right now. But will you come watch our next match this weekend?” he asked. “It will mean the world to me if you come. You don’t need to even stay until the end. You can just watch for a few minutes and leave.”
The moment fell silent, but the ticking of the clock was loud.
I saw Yui covering her face with her hands in front of me. I didn’t know what her face looked like at that moment. But I knew I looked like a girl who got her speech taken away from her. But I still tried to say something.
“I—”
The bell rang loud and cut through my voice. Takeda stood up properly afterward and smiled.
“Looks like we have to go,” he said.
I looked down.
“Miyase-san?” he asked. “You don’t need to tell me if you’re going or not. I don’t want to pressure you.”
But it wasn’t the answer that I was contemplating…
I thought this weight was not enough to be able to pull me…
Yet I was slowly getting tugged away…
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Afternoon. After School.44Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqx8Qgshq5l
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During the afternoon homeroom, Hina was selected to be the representative of our class for the upcoming ball tournament next month. The teachers who were in charge of it called for all the representatives to announce the rules, structure, and safety guidelines so each class could prepare. Hina suspected this might take a while, so she told Yui and me that we could go home without her. Although I would have waited, Yui had a plan of her own and wanted to go home early. I didn’t want to be alone waiting for Hina, so I had no choice but to leave the school with Yui.
“Wasn’t that quite intense!” Yui excitedly said as we took the staircase going down toward the school building entrance. Clearly, what happened during lunch hadn't left her yet.
“Yui! Not here,” I whispered loudly. Students were still around, and I was afraid somebody might hear her.
Yui covered her mouth with a hand. “Sorry,” she whispered back. “But admit it, at least you were affected!”
“I—” I choked a little. “I wasn’t really.”
Yui glared at me, trying to read my expression.
But I wasn’t lying. Or at least I was telling half the truth. I would admit to myself, I was affected. It got me all confused. But afterwards, I stopped thinking about what happened in between classes and breaks. It wasn’t like I was trying to dismiss Takeda’s effort. I still recognized the courage he took to tell us what he told us. In the end, though, all of what I felt in that moment was just… yes… it was just an in-the-moment thing.
“Hmm…” Yui pouted as she never found any evidence of my lie. “But during that time you were definitely like all red on your face.”
“That was—” I was going to tell her another excuse, but then I saw her tilting her head, looking forward. “Hey, careful,” I warned her as I watched our steps as we reached the first floor.
“Look at the entrance,” she pointed.
I faced forward to see, and a boy with messy hair was about to leave the campus. I stopped walking, then took a step forward.
“What are you doing?” Yui asked when she saw me being awkward.
I closed my eyes and breathed.
“Being proactive!” I yelled.
“Good luck!” Yui cheerfully yelled back behind me.
…
…
It only took a few minutes, and I was finally able to catch Rei. He was walking slowly as usual, so it was easy, but I wasn’t expecting to exert so much effort running. I tried to catch my breath while still walking behind him, then took a few deeper breaths to steel myself.
Then I moved forward.
“Hey!” I said as I tapped his back.
“Runa-san?” I thought Rei would sound surprised by how he reacted—or how he should have reacted—but his face was still stern and unbothered. His voice was still flat and calm.
I smiled.
“It’s been a long time, isn’t it?” I asked playfully.
He tilted his head and looked slightly upward. “Indeed,” Rei replied.
I looked around, and the road ahead wasn’t going toward the station. I knew Rei always went home early, but I never knew if he actually went straight home or somewhere else. And now, I had the opportunity to find out.
“Where are you going?” I mused. I walked faster so I could walk beside him, but he moved away, just like always. I pouted, but this should be expected. In the end, there was still a gap between us.
Well…
I was going to be proactive…
So I went closer to him. When he was about to move away again, I grabbed his arm and wrapped mine. And then I immediately questioned myself: What am I doing, Runa!? Yet, even with the heat warming my face and pink starting to paint my cheeks, I didn’t let go.
I felt Rei’s concerned stare. So I looked up at him and smiled.
Act normal… act like you’re not flustered… This is being proactive… that is all…
“S-so?” I stuttered as I reminded him what I just asked.
“I-I—” I caught his hesitation. The thought of him getting flustered like me made me calm down a little bit. But just a little bit. “I’m on my way to buy a new pick for my guitar,” Rei continued.
I didn’t know what ‘a pick’ was, but several things were going through my mind, so I wouldn't have understood anything even if I asked and he explained. We were still quite a long way from the business district. It would take a few more minutes of walking until we got there, and there were almost no people around. But I was still bathing in my own self-consciousness.
I felt my heart beat faster, explosively fast. Like I was too afraid that he might be able to hear it. I felt my face melting from the accumulated heat. Like it was being burnt while still flushing red. And I felt butterflies dancing in my stomach. Like the joy and nervousness were mixing together at once.
And on top of all that…
I felt relieved…
I knew it. The gravity on this one was much stronger. It was more intense, and curiosity around it wasn’t about impulse. It was an exploration. And as part of my journey, I started to ask.
“What… What is your favorite food?” I asked carefully.
“Beef steak,” he answered immediately.
“How tall are you?”
“180 cm.”
“What is your favorite sport?”
“I don’t have one.”
…Now what? S-should I continue like Yui did? But if I remembered correctly, the next thing she asked was…
I shook my head. There is no way I would be able to ask Rei about that. I… I didn’t even know if he liked me or not… And why was I being curious about it in the first place?
I closed my eyes…
Oh! Right… speaking of liking someone…
I stared at him. He was still looking at the road ahead.
“Umm…” I hesitated. “Did… you… ever like someone?” I managed to ask, but I bit my tongue after. So I hid my face by looking away.
“I did,” he responded quickly.
I blinked. Now I started to feel very conflicted, yet I was compelled to be intrigued.
“Who?” I didn’t intend my voice to come out so loud and demanding, but I was already committed. “Someone from your previous school?”
“I liked my mother before,” he said.
I blinked twice. I smiled, but I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh.
“That’s not what I meant, silly,” I replied. “I meant—umm…”
I paused.
“Well…” I continued, still hesitant, but somehow I had found one way to convey my thoughts. “Someone you think is pretty.”
“Hmm…” His eyes wandered around while thinking. “I think you’re pretty,” he said.
Huh?
My arm loosened around his.
“But objectively speaking, finding anyone as pretty doesn’t equate to being able to like someone,” Rei explained. “Because if you think about it, some people hate someone who looks attractive.”
I heard him… but my mind still lingered on the thought that he found me pretty…
“I… I wasn’t talking about that,” I said. “I meant, romantically.”
“Oh,” he noted. “But then my answer would still be similar. I don’t think attraction to someone’s appearance would always have romance involved.”
I pondered for a moment. “Then, do you have anyone who is always on your mind?” I asked.
“I guess… you…” he answered with no hesitation.
And I choked and coughed.
My arms loosened more around his, and now my hands were the only ones holding onto him. I blushed further at the thought that he was always thinking about me.
“I always thought about ways to help you study, about which angle we should approach each topic from, which materials are more important than the others. So I guess, in that sense, I do always think about you.”
I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. Of course that was what he meant! Why did I even hope, ever?
“If I correlate that to romance, then hmm…”
“Stop!” I yelled, interrupting his thoughts before he could make things worse.
Suddenly, exhaustion crept into me.
“Are there more criteria for finding out if someone likes someone?” Rei calmly asked.
And I hated that he was calm about it.
I sighed.
Then from the corner of my eye, when I saw someone passing by, I accidentally let go of my hands around his arm. I regretted that immediately.
All those questions kept my mind busy, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from noticing Rei starting to move away again. I pulled his shirt.
“Don’t,” I said while looking down the road.
“Sorry,” Rei replied. “I was just being… careful.”
“Why?” I asked and stared at his eyes. He wasn’t looking at me; he was looking the other way. “Why are you trying to be careful?”44Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1YWgEeaRu
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I held my breath when I realized the weight of what I just asked him. What if the reason he always puts distance between us was because he didn’t like me? What if it was because I wasn’t his type? What if it was because he saw me as a burden? What if…?44Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiUcrdyalC
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What if he still hadn’t forgotten about that day?44Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSZvzRvrQT
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…
“Because…” he choked. And then he let out a small sigh. “I thought—”
“You let Mika touch your uniform this morning,” I said. “You weren’t trying to get away from her.”
Rei started turning his face toward me. His eyes were filled with confusion, and I was as well. Why did I bring Mika into this?
“I just want you to stop being careful around me,” I explained, to him and to myself. “I just want you to be closer,” I muttered and turned my gaze toward the road.
I knew it. I knew from the look in his eyes that it was because of how I freaked out in front of him. I acted like he was a monster. I thought he was, but I regretted that I did.
I closed my eyes. What was I doing? Turning around the atmosphere between us like this.
“Runa-san,” Rei called my name softly. “Why were you scared of me the first time we studied together?”
I stopped walking, and my eyes widened as I stared at him walking a few steps ahead. When he noticed, he turned around. And then our eyes met.
“I was—” Should I tell him? “It’s because… of your condition…”
Rei turned around and looked at me. His stare was distant, and I froze where I stood. His eyes were on me, but I felt like he was seeing someone else. It was strange; it was a bit disturbing. His gaze wasn’t out of surprise, it wasn’t out of wonder, and it wasn’t out of confusion. They were far more distant than that.
I swallowed some air, readying myself for his answer.
I was ready to be disappointed and be angry. But I was also ready to understand and forgive.
Whatever answer he had, the longer he remained silent, the more I felt myself being torn apart.
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