Saturday. 4:23 pm125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8faNg7OMd
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I was confused. I couldn’t think of anything that I had done this morning. Anything that would provoke Mom into staring at me relentlessly. I couldn’t attend to her gaze, and because of that, I was sure I made myself look guilty. And I didn’t even know why I was guilty. She sat me down at our dining table. She sat down directly before me. And then, it was just silence. For the whole ten minutes that had passed, she never said a word or made a sound, while the time that went by left a weight that tied knots tightly around my stomach. It felt heavy, so heavy that I couldn’t ask her, ‘What did I do?’ I just sat there, looking at my bag that I had placed on the table. I thought, maybe there was some kind of answer hidden inside.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGiAeUaZXe
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“So?” Mom finally spoke. I couldn’t bear her voice. After long minutes of quiet, it somehow started to sound suffocating.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNxdHxR4vY
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I waited…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAgd8VWj3d
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Nothing else…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMGmemMP00
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“Mom,” I said carefully, “I just got home. I want to see Ruri. Where is she?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLbqavirtc
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Mom just looked straight into my eyes.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNLV3WSXQR
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I tried to look back, but my eyes snapped towards the table. I was starting to become frantic, but Mom just sat still. She shifted a little to make herself sit straighter, and that just made me worry more.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORBAnxUWLL
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“Tell me, where did you go?” Mom finally asked.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGCRMDhSvC
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“I told you this morning, before breakfast. I told you I’d go out to study,” I reminded her.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdkR7VxGQB
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“You told me you were going with Mika, but I went to her house earlier and she was at home all day. So, where did you go?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkDDP1gHb3
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I quickly opened my mouth but then closed it just as quickly. I didn’t expect Mom to actually check on Mika. And I had to go and accidentally leave my phone behind when it mattered. Because of that, I was not able to contact Mika or for her to contact me. At least, so I would have been prepared mentally and emotionally for what I was going to face when I got home. I thought I would be fine. I thought telling Mom that I was going out with Mika would not make her become suspicious. Maybe I shouldn’t have, since the things that had happened this morning that I just brushed aside were actually starting to create consequences I hadn’t foreseen. I was careless, and now, I have ended up in this situation.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslIeokI1kL
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“I… I went out to study.” I was hesitant, but I wasn’t lying.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXiRwf2t3M
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“With who?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40Pr7r6W6M
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I couldn’t answer Mom. I couldn’t find a name I could tell her other than his name. And I knew if I did mention him, she would not take it well.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwP4kb4oQgl
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Mom sighed while closing her eyes. Her eyebrows never stopped frowning.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkaVUlugpd
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“Your sister told me you were going out on a date,” Mom said.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquHU96WAtl
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I exhaled to answer, but the words that I thought I was ready to say were choked on air when I gasped. I looked at her with genuine disbelief.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWgJ99ECA7
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“Did you really believe what Ruri said this morning?” I asked. My voice sounded tighter than I intended.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZPo3E1mi3
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“Then, tell me where you went. If it’s not a date, then where?” Mom replied. She started crossing her arms. “Listen, it’s not like I am forbidding you to have a boyfriend, but your exams are coming up soon. If you want to go on a date, at least do it after the exams,” Mom continued to interrogate me.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAh9Vu8yCB
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“I-I didn’t go on a date. I am being honest,” I answered.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzzU18e36c
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“Then answer my question honestly if you are being honest!” I felt Mom’s patience crumble along with her voice. My hands started to gradually tremble. I knew right then that no matter what I said, it would never be enough to satisfy her demands. And I was not ready, I wasn’t ready at all.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jQeffyddO
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“I w-went t-to s-study,” I repeated.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYont1tY8br
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“With who?” Mom asked again.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jxq3r2Y2p
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“With a classmate…”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwuh3tSiFL
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“Who is that classmate?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdFNkg2AO7
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“S-someone… someone in class…”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWYKmVvdXM
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Mom touched her forehead, and her voice started getting louder when she spoke.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWubMCzEeDp
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“I knew it would be someone from your class! That’s what a classmate means! Tell me, who did you really go with?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiqAk6WX2X
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“W-with… H-Hi—”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcZC9LP3Bi
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“Don’t lie to me!” Mom yelled. “Hina called Mika when I got to her house and I asked her there.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnz9fNonym
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Yui… just say with Yui… I immediately thought. But I already had gotten Mika and Hina into this. I couldn’t have all my friends get involved…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfNb0782i9l
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I shouldn’t have lied…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeABHBsvwJ
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I took a breath. And another.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MuUHh20Im
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“I went… to study… with a boy from my class…” I said. Eyes closed while talking, lips bitten after.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbj7Qg7rPxJ
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“Where?” Mom pressed me.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKajEz0pzE
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“T-to the lib—” I stopped myself. If I lied again and she found out… “T-to his apartment.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86TiYFahE4
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“Were his parents there?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbohFLP3qf
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…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazkCskNdBS
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…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLl5b9E0XhL
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“...Yes.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzy25FlecF
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Mom suddenly stood up. I looked up at her in surprise.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfZfZGiz4v
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“Stand up,” Mom said as she walked around the table. Then, in an instant, she grabbed my hand and pulled me. I fell down to my knees. I couldn’t properly stand because my knees felt weaker without me noticing. “Stand up!” she commanded a second time.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsnUaGCTgj
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“Why?” I asked.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjUwCpitT6
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“We are going to this boy’s apartment to apologize to his parents. It’s still early. We can go there now and still have time to come back for dinner.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkvpgwI1DY
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“W-why are we going to apologize?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpIsSVIxeG
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“Because you were being insolent!” Mom’s voice was stabbing, sharp and guttural. “Going to their house to spend time alone with their son. I thought I raised you not to become this… indecent!”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuuAEMoxGH
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“I was not! We were just studying! I swear!” My voice grew louder.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jNGu5bq7W
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“Then stand up and let’s find out.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6NhHkEMiT
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I opened my mouth and I looked up at her. I just left my mouth open for a little while before my eyes decided to meet the floor. Then I started to bite my lips once more, a little harder this time. I was still on the ground and I felt the weight of my shoulder start to pile up. I had to use my other hand that my mom wasn’t holding to support my body, to not let myself fall entirely.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFueJpi5qwq
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“N—” I tried to say one word, but a sob paused me. “N-no, his—sob, weren’t there—sob.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjvll6Kitu
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Mom let go of my hand and I immediately used it to support myself against the floor. She got the answers she wanted. I should not have, but I tried to resist telling the truth, and every time I did, I was asked questions I couldn’t run from. And every time that I lied, every time she asked... My chest tightened and my breathing became shallow…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYopr3THgEP
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Tears started to drop directly to the floor. I closed my eyes to stop them, but they only changed direction down toward my cheeks, tracing half of them before dropping down. So, I just let it pour.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ49HjXf17j
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“Why did you lie to me?” Mom never intended to stop, and my heart sank deeper knowing that.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLekti3Qasf
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“I—sob, I—sob, didn’t, w-we—sob, we—sob, were just—sob, stu—sob—dying, I swear.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjKTDYxhsv
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“Do you really think I would believe that?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1B8XGiVpDR
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“Bu—sob, But I—sob, I’m telling—sob, the truth!”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjORFgIZVR
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“Runa, you’re already in your second year of high school. You need to be more careful. Going to a boy’s house alone is inappropriate, and you should know that!” Mom’s lecturing continued. “And you also had to lie about Mika. You tried to lie about Hina, and you never even told me about this boy at all. How do you expect me to believe that you were just there to study and nothing else?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDGlL9F6gg
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Every point Mom made was delivered like cages stacking, trapping me. But instead of getting bigger on each stack, they got smaller. With each name she mentioned, they got smaller. With each lie she exposed, they got smaller. With each time I got accused, they got smaller. Until there was not enough space. Until there was no air left. Until there was nothing anymore but whimpers that I tried to control but failed miserably.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMt5uSrWR5
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What would I do? What would I say? What would I even think?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcLh97qwyM0
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I didn’t know…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztvPLx0cLk
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I didn’t really know…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cMYqSj6in
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Someone… anyone… please…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvL8UilyJnU
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Kuroiwa-kun.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqT2DMBm19j
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A thought suddenly appeared.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXuotcjiAX
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The notebooks.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNdexsfLO8
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Right… the notebooks, the ones he made for me. If I only showed them to Mom, she would understand… Certainly she would…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlScA057am
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I wiped the tears in my eyes, then gathered all the strength I had to hold on to the chair I sat in earlier. I pulled myself up to reach my bag I had left on the table. When I got back up, I hurriedly opened my bag. My hands were trembling, but I still managed to get all four notebooks out.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8z7iXU7YGV
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“Here, look at these, Mom—sob,” I said, my voice starting to sound steadier. I reached out my hands carrying the notebooks to her.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduKFmVSjd7
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But…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnrKpcKUvb
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Mom never even looked at them.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPggYxcZrfk
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“Are you listening to me?” Mom only said. “How long are you going to be this reckless? You’re not a child anymore!”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrI2C5YtcP
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“Mom, please—sob, I was studying. These are—”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVUj9RHljZ
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All four notebooks fell to the ground. They felt heavier because of the trembling from my hands. I looked where they fell and I saw them scattered, some of them open, their pages folded by the way they fell. My eyes went wide. There was no way I had just ruined his efforts like that. I couldn’t bear it. I tried to bend to pick them up and fix them, but my mom grabbed my hand…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZfkWqZnEr
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Why?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnZGzprVl1
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“Listen to me!” Mom yelled.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRW4ttzlCz1
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“M—sob, M-m—sob, Mom—sob, Le—sob, Let—sob, me—sob, go—sob,” I tried.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4Utc6oG3V
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“Sit down properly. I’m not done talking to you yet!” she insisted and didn’t let go of my hand.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFSMY390m6
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So I cried. I felt helpless. My voice wasn’t just letting out sobs anymore. I whimpered, I bawled. I pulled my hand from her grasp and used both my hands to cross them over the table. I hid my face on top of them. And my heart tore, my head ached, and my whole body felt weak and exhausted.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLITDspmCv
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How could she?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5e0nboo0K
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Because I deserved it…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFE3dlzLKtH
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Why isn’t she listening to me?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJRcmGatFn
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Because I had lied…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzb1DxcyCjZ
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I never did anything wrong…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwccOA1v0we
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Did I really never?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWeLlyOJrP
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I bit my lips and gripped my hand tighter. I wondered if Mom had started hating me. I wished that Dad was still here. And I started to—125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsXZ2dZrke
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I held that thought. I held that thought from my brain so hard I made my head ache worse. I loved my mom, I always did. She was always strict, I knew of that, but she had always been like a best friend to me, not just a mother. But right now, I felt like she was trying not to recognize those times we had together. I knew I was always stubborn and caused her trouble, but she knew that I wouldn’t actually go too far. This felt too unfair… I was just a daughter to her, after all.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpe74plgwh
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The living room started to be filled with my own gasps, with me trying to tell Mom again that I wasn’t lying, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, that I was just studying with him. But I couldn’t say anything coherently. They just came out as whimpers. And when I realized that, I just retreated and hid my face again. And I stayed like that for a while. I didn’t know how much time had passed. But I suddenly noticed my mom somehow ended up standing beside me, rubbing my back, trying to calm me down. But it took more time for me to settle down, more time to get used to the pain that was squeezing me tight.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplaf1YWf8b
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Then everything went silent…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhR1GcDfq7
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“I’m sorry,” Mom said, her voice calmer. “Here, drink some water.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBwMZKl6VE
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I raised my head just enough to see a glass of water placed in front of me. I didn’t even notice when she went to the kitchen to get it. On the corner of the table were the four notebooks that had been lying on the ground the last time I saw them. I reached for them instead and held them to my chest. Some of the notebooks still had pages folded inside their covers, and no matter how uncomfortable I was feeling, I tried to fix them. I wanted to fix them. I needed to.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnApa55Prii
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I wonder if she saw what’s inside?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcz8ADmy1B
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“Runa, I am not being like this to you for no reason. This is all for your own sake. I am just worried,” Mom said.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQYTRDaRjO
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The dread of defeat settled heavily on my neck at the realization that Mom never even tried to at least peek. Otherwise, she would’ve asked me about them…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4TyRpF992
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“I know you probably do not want to hear this again, but I just need to make sure you heard me. Going to a boy’s house when it’s just you and him is not appropriate. You're a girl and still young, and I am worried that you would do something that you would regret later in life. Think about your future first, think about graduation first, about college.” Mom’s voice started to sound firm again. She tried to soften it, but I knew she just wanted me to do exactly as she commanded.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZV4vfPy5gG
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I waited for more…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdENp0DmlET
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And after a few seconds, there was more…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09AnI9vopA
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“Were you planning to go again tomorrow, to this boy’s house?” Mom asked.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO39bZ8DlQp
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I nodded… then I heard her sigh.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgS8L12MW5I
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“I’m sorry, but I am not going to allow it. Call Mika and Hina instead if you want to study.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65O2X2VFdq
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I nodded… while I bit my lips as hard as I could to prevent tears from welling up again.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGdQiYHCSf
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I wanted to tell her that I needed this. That this was the only way left. That I already had Mika, Hina and even Yui to help me, and that we ended up asking for Kuroiwa-kun because we had failed. But how could I explain what happened next? That he gave me an unreasonable condition to accept, that he wanted me to go to his apartment alone, that he had given me a choice and yet I chose to go back. But he had also sacrificed a lot for me, sacrificed sleep to write notebooks for me, sacrificed his time so he could teach me. Would Mom be able to understand all of that? All of the fear, doubts and anxiety that I had to go through before I had seen what he could do? The hope, belief and confidence I gained after I had made progress because he helped me open my eyes and reveal what I could do?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6npRtK3EX
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She wouldn’t even listen to me…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gfXrUdXnO
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And she would definitely get angrier if she found out all of that. So, I would just keep my mouth shut. She was always right anyway. And I was always wrong. And most of all, I already had no will to say anything anymore.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcLMOkoaHi
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“Runa, please sit down properly,” Mom said softly. I followed her instructions.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfH4t5qH9W
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I picked up the notebooks from the table and hid them between my chest and my arms.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcMBEt0qe4
“Here, drink water,” Mom offered.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKxfUsmE1v
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I shook my head.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOKaDhJjnH
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“I-I want to go back to my room,” I said.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFl9HSa5a7
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…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZooNPVjyWs
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…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnpPwuzQ1B
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“O—”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksILIFkfsf
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Before my mom finished giving me permission, I had already stood up and grabbed my bag. I quickly turned my back to her, and it hurt me that I had to act this way, but my feet kept moving fast. I slowed down when I reached the second floor and held the notebooks tighter as I entered my room. Then, as soon as I closed the door behind me, I realized that the afternoon had started to end. And the last light of the day had already begun to wither away…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUCyE47ZJO
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10:17 pm125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaD93mB0jq
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I was staring at the ceiling. Just like every time I had tried to think, to reach within my thoughts. But my thoughts were not functioning properly. So many things, too many things that I didn’t know which ones to think first.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFhDFHNrzP
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A few hours ago, Ruri opened the door and peeked slightly inside my room. I caught her from the corner of my eye looking like a lost puppy. But I didn’t get the urge to pamper her or even talk to her. I just didn’t have the strength to even try.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsHfyBleaj
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“I’m sorry, Ru-nee.” I heard her whisper from the door. She sounded sad. But she didn’t come in. Soon after, she closed the door.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6O4yDEvSyE
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I didn’t react, but it wasn’t like I was blaming her. I wouldn’t blame her. Never. I just wasn’t normal. I was just hurt.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFK7EGYH8iO
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Afterwards, Mom called me at least five times for dinner. Once after she was done cooking. Probably around seven at night. That was when she usually prepared the food. When I did not answer, she would come to my room and check on me. I would pretend to be sleeping under my blanket. She would sigh every time, but she would close the door without saying anything.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡziLyUz8dbZ
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The second was an hour after, the third was a few minutes after the second, the fourth was another hour after the third. And the last time was just a few minutes ago.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbnc6nyscXM
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Mom placed the dish she had cooked, a bowl of rice, and a glass of water on my study desk. Then she sat down on my bed. She touched my arm and started explaining herself. I wasn’t really listening. I wasn’t in the mood. All I remembered she had said was that she was once a teenager like me, and she had done things that she was now regretting. But why was she comparing me to herself? When I wasn’t doing the things she had done. I didn’t even know what she did. I might have skipped a lot of details, but I wasn’t too keen to remember everything.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidrbWiR8hP
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I inhaled some air. Then a few seconds later I let it out.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzDsnKH1no
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My hand searched for my bag, and when it touched something, I looked at it. One of the notebooks that was lying beside me. I tried to search with my eyes this time, and when I saw my bag, I grabbed it. My phone was inside. I had put it in there after I found it by the main entrance this afternoon. I held it with my hands then turned on the screen.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNnCsRbhjR
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Notifications appeared, many of them. Missed calls and private messages. From Mika, from Hina and from Yui. I opened the messages from each one of them to see what they said. Mika was apologizing for not covering for me. She said she wasn’t ready to fabricate anything at that time when my mom suddenly visited her. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. It was my fault for bringing up her name when I talked to Mom during breakfast. Hina was apologizing for not thinking of any excuse when my mom asked Mika to talk to Hina when she called. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. I almost even used her name to tell a lie. Yui was asking how I was doing. And all I could do was think about how, at the time, I had wanted to use her for another lie. And I didn’t like myself for even thinking about using Yui for another excuse.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7BBjnV33X
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I had been biting my lips a lot this afternoon, and I felt the soreness still wasn’t enough to prevent myself from doing it again. But I was careful this time. It was just, I couldn’t let my tears overwhelm me again. I didn’t even know if I could still cry. But I found out the answer quickly when a small tear managed to escape my eye and travelled down to my ear.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdabtu58KXo
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I wiped it.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0BWLDUr1o
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I apologized to Mika, I apologized to Hina, I apologized to Yui. I did so on our group chat, and all three of them replied with concern. I told them what happened, but I told them not to worry. Yui said she would have been fine if I had told Mom I was with her.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHNKADGNSV
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But I wouldn’t…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLx1QWMr5kk
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I couldn’t…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujVNdd5dsM
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The group chat had been lively for a while. Yui and Hina did most of the talking. Mika would reply from time to time but would stay mostly silent. In their own way, they tried to make me feel better. I did. But only a little bit.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QPZxprVBI
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I told them I had to go to sleep afterwards. Yui sent me a ‘good night’ with a lot of hug emojis. Hina told me to sleep well and that I should rest properly. Mika was quiet. But it was fine. I placed my phone on top of my bed. Then, it suddenly rang.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWT5o0Drltc
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I accepted the call.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykqfYTD8rY
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“Hello? Runa? How are you feeling?” It was Mika, her voice filled with concern.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YDkbrplDg
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“I’m fine,” I answered.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6wQoONl2O
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“You don’t sound like you're fine.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIHmdUYzy4
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I didn’t reply.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVuHgFsb1y
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“Hey, you can talk to me about it. Let’s talk,” Mika insisted.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxzb2A499V
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I contemplated. I tried to arrange my thoughts first.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoB2jEBlT8n
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“Mika…” I said. My voice started to break, but I managed. “I’m sorry.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjurL0SQLQw
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“You don’t need to apologize again. In fact, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s fine, Runa..”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0vXn5Cx0MT
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“I shouldn’t have lied, I shouldn’t have gotten you involved.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5371fXeiT
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“It’s okay, Runa. Really.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgtUDyTW7Z
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“D-did—sob, Mom—”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYBjgjXE9J
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I went silent…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAQbUr7su2
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“She didn’t do anything, she came here and asked where you were. I couldn’t answer because I still remembered last night when she was scolding you. I got intimidated. I’m sorry,” Mika said.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwVJfaGQuz
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My voice started shaking again, so I didn’t respond.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeYnZjoKt5
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“I tried to contact you earlier, but you weren’t answering,” Mika continued.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnzsU1fweE
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“I dropped my phone and left it at home,” I said.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoDcFDoGZZd
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“Oh… that explains it.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAousijRMUw
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“Yeah…”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmztEkH8Wg
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There was silence for a few seconds. But it felt far longer than that. I could sense Mika feeling the misfortune I got from what I thought was a little incident. It was actually bigger than I thought.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuXrqJgy90
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“So,” Mika broke the silence, “how do you really feel right now?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7UcOUQExe
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“...Tired.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxYJp8WPna
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“Do you want to go to sleep?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yCtRULLCV
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“Yeah.”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzylA77PbiI
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“Tomorrow, will you go?”125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsZs4xz0Bt
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That question drilled a massive hole inside my heart. And the tears started flowing without me permitting them. I opened my mouth to respond, but the whimpers shook my breath, and I knew, at that point, that I would become a mess again.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVu6pacdOZ
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“Runa?” Mika called my name.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZKBLT7yXT
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I tried to compose myself one last time.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCa9VtAHS5i
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“I—sob, I was for—sob, forbidden to go.” I managed somehow.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9I9wiwkjy
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Mika stayed silent.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3KZi5ljRu
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“I—sob, I think—sob, I have to—sob, go…” I said.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBFATGkLCW
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…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIG9b8j4SM
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“...Okay, you can call me anytime if you need to, alright? Just remember that I am always here for you. Good night,” Mika replied.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXS17BNuBk
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I ended the call and dropped my phone on my bed. I used both my hands to cover my eyes, but I just wouldn’t stop. This time I was alone in my room. There was no reason to try to manage every little drop, every little shake, every little gasp. I just let them all happen, I just let the pain take over me.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhezNTfKqZG
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I helplessly cried on my bed. Then, I noticed the notebooks beside me. I immediately collected all of them. All four of them, I checked if they were okay. Although my sight had become blurry because of the tears, I continued until I knew for sure that they were all fine. I pressed them to my chest afterwards and hugged them to protect them. I didn’t know from what, just protect them.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CxFEhWy0U
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Then I started to calm down. Time had passed, maybe 20 minutes or 30. My pillows ended up soaked in tears. I raised my hand toward it while the notebooks were still secured tightly with my embrace.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjcF1n4lQ9
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I thought about this morning, about Mom, about Ruri, and about my phone falling out of my bag. I thought about sitting in the entrance lobby, the walking past his apartment room without me noticing, and the time I got too close to his face to confront him because he just let me. I thought about the book, the blank notebook I had to write into, and how tired I felt after two hours of writing.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUIgIAGNaR
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Then…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bgk0fXnsU
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I thought about that break. That time we were waiting for the rice to be cooked. That time I had listened to my exhaustion. And I was curious, and I just did what I did…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGbeVhux6V
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Rei…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5zy9aXTMU
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I thought about him…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SOfWoMIoR
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And as my eyes started closing with another set of tears coming out my eyes. I answered my body’s call to sleep. The comfort it wanted. I laid a finger from my hand to my tear-soaked pillow right beside my eyes. The same finger that touched his.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MuqgeKXYC
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And the last thing I remembered after that…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1Lq5qvPCM
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It was something I thought he would never show… The face that I thought I would never see…125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVjJQ4eI9H
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