You will never see this, mostly because you chose to leave. You left about three months ago. But you are still here, I still have to see you almost every day for five hours. I still have to be around you. Still have to see you. It hurts, it hurts because I had accepted that you left, that you weren’t ready. It hurts because I had just told you something monumental to me, I had told you I had came out to my conservative grandmother and that she said she loved me, but I know nothing will change with her, I know that she doesn’t love me enough to change her view. I was feeling horrible about myself, and you breezed past it, ignored it, and said you weren’t ready the next day, leaving me in my pain and dumping more on me. Is that all love is in the end? Pain?
One of your friends talked to me a few days ago, told me you had told him that you were so relieved that it was over. Was I too much? Did I suffocate you? Was I a game to you? It plays in my mind now, knowing how relieved you were when it was over. Did you know that it hurt me so bad? Did you know I felt crushed? Did you know I felt abandoned and worthless and broken, again? Of course you didn’t, because I painted on a smile, I laughed, I acted like nothing happened. I pretend I was fine, though I was screaming inside. I cried myself to sleep for too long because of it, and I had finally been healing, been moving on, and I hear that you were relieved to hurt me. To be rid of me.
I know that in reality you probably didn’t mean to hurt me. You just weren’t ready like you said, and I understand that. I just wish you had figured it out four months previously. Figured it out sooner so I didn’t get attached, so I didn’t hurt like I do now. But I can’t change it now. I can’t go back and protect myself. I hate that I stayed even when I hurt, terrified of hurting you. I hurt myself by staying with you. I was always on edge for no reason, always shifting and hiding. I never felt like I could fully be me with you, I always felt like I was hiding a large part of me. I felt dirty, I felt shameful, like I never really belonged.
Is my heart closing again? Am I too hurt to let someone in again? Would I survive if they hurt me as well? No, no, yes. I will not close my heart, I am not too hurt, and I will survive being hurt again. You will always be a part of my past, I will always have the scars you left, but I will not let them define me. Goodbye.
-Savandler.8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbUPI8iXi1
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