那天就是很普通的一天,偏偏雨下到煩。台北的雨季總是下得沒完沒了,潮濕的空氣悶在衣服裏,連呼吸都覺得重。70Please respect copyright.PENANAaA4wpmjpKB
70Please respect copyright.PENANAusH6XKaEY0
我站在醫院門口,肩膀傳來一陣一陣的刺痛。急診室剛才亂成一團,一個受驚的小病人突然衝出來,我反射性地護住他,整個人被推車的邊角撞了個正着,飛出去,背撞在鐵製藥櫃的角上。70Please respect copyright.PENANAJVnl1G0z8L
70Please respect copyright.PENANAolPMONqDqR
那時候奇怪的是——我一點都不覺得痛。我腦子裏想的,是那疊壓在肩包裏的病歷資料。70Please respect copyright.PENANAG4YROjRn0h
還好,沒弄濕。那是直樹等一下研討會要用的,要是弄髒了他會很困擾。70Please respect copyright.PENANAUBCjhSLG9E
我連自己的骨頭有沒有裂都沒空管,卻在擔心他的一疊紙。我那時候真的很誇張欸。70Please respect copyright.PENANAtLQZdYnAnc
凌晨三點,我拖着腳步回到江家,客廳一片黑,書房的門縫透着一道白光。70Please respect copyright.PENANAeKf5fSVVSc
70Please respect copyright.PENANA0yAJMCpM3H
我站在門口,手摸着門把,心裏藏着一點點、真的只有一點點卑微的期待。70Please respect copyright.PENANAdsZmCEcOz3
只要他看我一眼就好。只要他發現我淋濕了,或者問一句我的臉色怎麼那麼差,我就能再撐下去。只要一點點,哪怕只是一句「怎麼這麼晚」,我就有勇氣繼續當那個打不死的袁湘琴。70Please respect copyright.PENANAlhtPM20H1R
我推開門。「直樹……你還在忙喔?」聲音細得連我自己都快聽不見了。70Please respect copyright.PENANAo2jfMrbgR1
70Please respect copyright.PENANAuJQuH4nTBN
他連頭都沒抬,修長的手指繼續敲着鍵盤,那節奏規律得讓人心慌。然後他終於開口了。「妳一定要每次都把自己搞得這麼狼狽嗎?」70Please respect copyright.PENANAUKCZsi5EeB
70Please respect copyright.PENANAMRYidNULpI
他停下鍵盤,還是沒有看我,語氣平得像在陳述今天天氣:「去把濕衣服換掉,地板弄濕了很麻煩。玄關那疊資料不要動,我明天開會要用。」70Please respect copyright.PENANAtC25Hasf6P
70Please respect copyright.PENANAu9FjFQrKJY
說完,鍵盤聲繼續,好像我只是吵到他而已。70Please respect copyright.PENANAqZ7FiukiSx
70Please respect copyright.PENANAVC9aCbai3u
我想說的那句「直樹,我好痛」,在舌尖轉了一圈,最後跟湧上來的胃酸一起吞下去。70Please respect copyright.PENANAi8zkhAssL7
70Please respect copyright.PENANAKpJWMilyVw
我低下頭,看了一眼自己紅腫發紫的左肩。在書房的白光下,那塊瘀青整個一大片紫青,看了就怕。我就站在他背後,不到兩公尺,近到能看見他後腦勺的幾根髮絲。70Please respect copyright.PENANAIwjhkM5GtD
70Please respect copyright.PENANA3iUnNMckoq
但那兩公尺,我怎麼都走不過去。70Please respect copyright.PENANAhq9Mj8FTKC
我知道的,如果我現在開口,他只會皺着眉,用那種「又來了」的語氣說:袁湘琴,妳能不能成熟一點,不要為了這種事打斷我。70Please respect copyright.PENANAn5JqogkN3c
於是我沒說。我轉身去換衣服,動作很輕,怕吵到他。70Please respect copyright.PENANAdRhxwlw7kQ
結婚三週年那天,媽媽本來吵着要辦大型派對,外燴公司都找好了。我婉拒了,說我想親自下廚。媽媽笑得眉飛色舞,拉着爸爸和裕樹去宜蘭旅行,說要把整晚的空間留給我們這對「愛的小情侶」。70Please respect copyright.PENANAiisCT2jAVL
70Please respect copyright.PENANA7hPo3RZkhz
我看着空蕩蕩的家,心裏升起一股久違的期待。70Please respect copyright.PENANAUlxX8Gzr2t
沒有人在旁邊鬧,直樹或許會發現我的心意吧?70Please respect copyright.PENANAGYqchN2zzh
我忍着肩膀的抽痛,去市場買了他最愛的食材,在廚房站了整整一個下午。清蒸魚、紅燒肉、他喜歡的那道薑絲炒蛋,鍋碗瓢盆全都用上了。手被菜刀劃了一道小口,貼了個OK繃,繼續切。70Please respect copyright.PENANALvlnw8M306
70Please respect copyright.PENANAKjL5dAkp86
出門前,直樹應了一聲「嗯」,說會早點回來。我還在那疊他帶走的病歷夾最上面,貼了一張粉紅色的便利貼,用我最認真的字跡寫:70Please respect copyright.PENANAjXXCCETzTb
「直樹,今天晚上我在家等妳吃飯,三週年快樂喔!❤」70Please respect copyright.PENANAMErxOyZRkj
然後我就等着了。70Please respect copyright.PENANAGZYTsbsHZn
70Please respect copyright.PENANAhcTJPeuqB6
六點。八點。十一點。桌上的清蒸魚漸漸乾了,湯品的表面凝出一層慘白的油脂。我把瓦斯轉小,又轉大,又轉小,不知道調了幾次,最後什麼都沒動。70Please respect copyright.PENANAmkZf4bMjYh
70Please respect copyright.PENANA6Ye7tcp6JD
凌晨一點,玄關傳來鑰匙轉動的聲音。直樹帶着一身消毒藥水味進來,連看都沒看客廳一眼,只是因為飯菜的氣味皺了皺眉。「妳一定要把家裏弄得都是這種味道嗎?我開了兩場刀,現在只想休息,不需要這些多餘的儀式。」70Please respect copyright.PENANAavvvaz00od
多餘。70Please respect copyright.PENANAUcPBfU4wXQ
我盯着他說不出話。70Please respect copyright.PENANAB2wpdlaZbQ
70Please respect copyright.PENANANBwvVKmAdZ
他順手拿起鞋櫃上的資料夾,我死死盯着那張粉紅色的便利貼。他的指尖碰到了它,我的心提到嗓子眼——他連讀都沒讀完,就那樣順手一扯,把它丟進了玄關那個堆着咖啡渣的垃圾桶。70Please respect copyright.PENANAVWKCBtDpAO
70Please respect copyright.PENANAWfLF7Jgtym
那個精心畫上去的小愛心,在半空中翻了個身,陷進髒污的廢紙堆裏,被咖啡漬浸透,慢慢發黑。70Please respect copyright.PENANAcC8vI8bpZX
70Please respect copyright.PENANAqF2uWGSeOj
「我看到了。以後這種事不用再做了,只是浪費時間。」70Please respect copyright.PENANAOUfXilx9cT
70Please respect copyright.PENANAqMbYolbXXG
他上樓了。腳步聲一級一級消失在樓梯上方;我站在原地,看着那個垃圾桶,眼眶熱,卻流不出眼淚。70Please respect copyright.PENANAG6kU4NFos8
70Please respect copyright.PENANAEQ7qved8SU
原來在他那邊,這些都不算什麼。70Please respect copyright.PENANAxk0fnqE68c
70Please respect copyright.PENANAnTqeCcVmBM
我轉過身,看着那桌冷掉的菜。70Please respect copyright.PENANAxU5X3midxJ
70Please respect copyright.PENANA509M1EQkAS
媽媽不在家,沒人會大聲嚷着要他道歉。爸爸不在家,沒人會心疼我還沒吃飯。這棟大房子安靜得讓人發慌。我拿起盤子,開始把那些冷掉的菜一一倒進廚餘桶。70Please respect copyright.PENANAGW8W7e4mIR
「嘩——」清蒸魚。
「嘩——」紅燒肉。
「嘩——」薑絲炒蛋。70Please respect copyright.PENANAv3VIc3danF
最後那盤倒完,我看着洗手槽裏混在一起的殘渣,突然很想笑。我對着空無一人的廚房,輕聲說了一句:「袁湘琴,妳真的……太自作多情了。」70Please respect copyright.PENANAMvjE3iO4L0
70Please respect copyright.PENANA2bvAgEkPjn
我明明知道的,還是一直做。70Please respect copyright.PENANAnrxcopVFxG
70Please respect copyright.PENANATlCs5cZe73
我伸出手,看着指尖那道被刀劃過的小傷口,這時候才感覺到遲來的疼。那種疼從指尖傳到肩膀,最後鑽進心臟,又悶又沉,悶到我快喘不過氣。70Please respect copyright.PENANAS93qhesbjc
70Please respect copyright.PENANAr8aTnVkAoC
我想起小時候,爸爸說我是他的寶貝。我想起在學校,老師說我是打不死的雜草。但我現在才發現,我好像只是他生活裏的習慣而已。70Please respect copyright.PENANAkpre3F04bN
70Please respect copyright.PENANAOzJQ0efoM1
然而,我把廚房擦乾淨之後,做的第一件事,不是哭,也不是打電話給純美。70Please respect copyright.PENANAIIJzkyS9uv
70Please respect copyright.PENANArCaLQVk8Mn
我坐下來,開始替自己找理由。70Please respect copyright.PENANAcdg6LDvbSc
一定是因為我現在還不夠好。一定是因為我還沒辦法在他工作的領域真正幫上忙,所以他才覺得這些「儀式」沒意義。只要我再努力一點點,只要我能在醫院跟上他的腳步,他或許就不會再覺得我是個麻煩了吧?70Please respect copyright.PENANA2NJYLDAzWP
就這樣,我告訴自己沒事,繼續當那個打不死的袁湘琴。70Please respect copyright.PENANAVDXrIgh2vR
第二天一早,媽媽他們還在宜蘭。我起床,把直樹的襯衫燙好掛在門口,泡了一壺咖啡放在桌上。我洗了把臉,把昨晚那種快要窒息的感覺壓進去,重新戴上那副「什麼事都沒有」的表情。70Please respect copyright.PENANAImPuAeW3gC
70Please respect copyright.PENANAeXr0YGImC2
直樹穿上襯衫,大概是覺得早餐桌太安靜,才終於轉頭看了我一眼。「妳今天怎麼沒說話?又在鬧脾氣?」他嘴角微微勾着,是那種看着笨蛋鬧情緒的輕蔑。70Please respect copyright.PENANAxNHwnpIRaD
70Please respect copyright.PENANAMKt2AGMXF5
我低下頭,避開他的視線,努力讓聲音聽起來跟平常一樣:「沒有啦,我在想實習的事。襯衫燙好了,咖啡在桌上,你快喝吧。」70Please respect copyright.PENANACSRG0lZwGN
70Please respect copyright.PENANANMgcY1hFPq
他冷哼了一聲,拎起公事包,走出了門。70Please respect copyright.PENANAVsXmikbIAd
70Please respect copyright.PENANAahrGqxBNOq
大門關上的那一刻,我站在鏡子前,看着鏡子裏的自己——眼眶很紅,臉色很白。70Please respect copyright.PENANARENQz0f9LS
70Please respect copyright.PENANAKEEy1Du5hq
我用力拍了拍自己的臉頰,對着鏡子露出一個燦爛到有點扭曲的笑容。「袁湘琴,不可以放棄!只要能通過抽血測驗,只要能在實習的時候幫上他的忙,他一定會對妳改觀的!」70Please respect copyright.PENANAGEHAT1sOKE
70Please respect copyright.PENANAeJ9w5XusnB
我深吸一口氣,抓起護理系的課本,就這樣,我又去上課、去實習,繼續裝沒事。70Please respect copyright.PENANAUtisI3jKHY
那時候的我,真的以為,只要再撐一下,他總有一天會看見。我不知道的是——有些東西不是撐就會有結果。70Please respect copyright.PENANAJG2uVqblWX
70Please respect copyright.PENANADAsSHMhsz2
那天晚上,我沒有哭,也沒有吵。我只是把菜倒掉,把廚房擦乾淨,把襯衫燙好。然後把自己,再往後退了一步。70Please respect copyright.PENANAEZjQVycINl
70Please respect copyright.PENANAcXYjmsVS6b
那一步,很小,小到沒有人發現,包括我自己。
70Please respect copyright.PENANAasZ1enECtR
【序章 完】
70Please respect copyright.PENANA6nzFux4Tkl
有時候,愛一個人並不是跑得快就能追上。當我慢下腳步,看著他在月台另一頭漸行漸遠,我才發現,原來這場長跑,一直都只有我一個人在終點。
70Please respect copyright.PENANALNVfydfs6J
歌曲改編:〈在月台上等你〉
(Verse 1)70Please respect copyright.PENANASCVdgbwX7J
慢了腳步70Please respect copyright.PENANANdlyiYnT3P
思索著未來70Please respect copyright.PENANAMdkrPw999e
未見你在70Please respect copyright.PENANAe8NhrSbaCb
當我轉入70Please respect copyright.PENANApevOSXxqgn
孤單的月台70Please respect copyright.PENANABZwdtFTF9E
沒法記號70Please respect copyright.PENANA8C3yyPpcgf
被殘忍下載70Please respect copyright.PENANAKlM6NlmXZE
在凌晨三點 等不到你愛
(Pre-Chorus 1)70Please respect copyright.PENANAuJP5EFP4xO
等 等一朵花會開70Please respect copyright.PENANAJiNX0iwAVd
等不到個大概70Please respect copyright.PENANAF5HUlLfnBE
恨你在現場沒出賽70Please respect copyright.PENANAJedvFzqNGz
等 絕望地等你來70Please respect copyright.PENANANi1wi6goGk
那病歷夾裡70Please respect copyright.PENANA4jk83MZ8DP
沾滿了塵埃70Please respect copyright.PENANAPSE50wF3QF
向明日致哀
(Chorus 1)70Please respect copyright.PENANAACixyAfouW
和你將要離別了70Please respect copyright.PENANAyJHaB0j9ne
求你不要逃避了70Please respect copyright.PENANAHUTIFL8ra1
情愛失去價值70Please respect copyright.PENANAbTcbTCKsry
不夠努力70Please respect copyright.PENANAkK5TjCNfkg
問我做過多少70Please respect copyright.PENANA56v6Z1c8lY
時間不會停頓了70Please respect copyright.PENANARWC6ygZjbA
由我出發那刻 心慌了70Please respect copyright.PENANARtZTMt3B92
一天黑一破曉70Please respect copyright.PENANAfls2Xw6qvd
月台上你身影飄渺
(Verse 2)70Please respect copyright.PENANAGxGxnvBIyB
想 想彼此肩並肩70Please respect copyright.PENANAqU7AFZXOPx
想當初那遇見70Please respect copyright.PENANAosc2I2ddLq
那粉紅貼紙未污染70Please respect copyright.PENANAwwhHYTuLBe
想 步伐踏得太前70Please respect copyright.PENANAy07l4zsacv
咖啡渣背後70Please respect copyright.PENANAR3Hjmk1QAw
無言沒語70Please respect copyright.PENANAg1vziC2cWZ
你停在那邊
(Chorus 2)70Please respect copyright.PENANA5IRZuLeTRG
和你將要離別了70Please respect copyright.PENANAeI6Zrwv1dB
求你不要逃避了70Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0jLjly3pq
情愛失去價值70Please respect copyright.PENANAVcnTD0fx9Q
不夠努力70Please respect copyright.PENANAINrSOMP9iI
問我做過多少70Please respect copyright.PENANAtkV58oR0qa
時間不會停頓了70Please respect copyright.PENANAIbl0bSyF2a
由我出發那刻 心慌了70Please respect copyright.PENANATO5oNEyddC
一天黑一破曉70Please respect copyright.PENANA5WRn64sLkk
月台上你身影飄渺
(Bridge)70Please respect copyright.PENANA5HHjquZDA2
誰已追到疲倦了70Please respect copyright.PENANAAsOuSBAQQB
誰也等到麻木了70Please respect copyright.PENANAMBQFxcjNT2
情緒分化兩極70Please respect copyright.PENANAHOa6jD82hI
充滿壓力 是嗎?70Please respect copyright.PENANAWZLuPVZaSR
代價不小恤衫燙好無遺憾70Please respect copyright.PENANAGQQYIuwbHN
和你不再同步 走散了
(Outro)70Please respect copyright.PENANACxNprss2MT
一天黑一破曉70Please respect copyright.PENANAAdCZhrKwT1
便拿著獨身的車票


