The sky is too clear to die.
I kept telling myself that on the day I met you. Over and over and over again. I scared myself sometimes. It was getting especially worse around then, late November. It was around the time that happened.
The wounds were still too fresh. They were far too fresh when I got a notification from my photos app telling me it made a montage of my memories. Too fresh to see his face, all wide smiles and blurry pictures. His arms slung around me while I laughed. Casey beside us trying to make sure we don't ruin the cake, the right end of the picture blocked by Liam's finger.
I felt myself bleed then. All the grief, the guilt, slowly spilling around me. Until I could no longer think clearly.
The boys had left the apartment early that afternoon.Liam was in an odd mood and Casey kept zoning out.
They never talked about it. None of us ever talked about him. But Liam hadn't played a song in our apartment for weeks now and Casey kept going on long walks in the dead of night.
I hadn't slept for longer than three hours in months.
I remember that the sun was harsh that day. I was annoyed by the glare of it as I walked into the empty art building. There was a light breeze, the tree outside the lobby shattering the silence with a rustle.
I had decided three weeks ago that I'd try to pull myself out of this. For him.
He'd want me to, I kept telling myself.
I had tried therapy. I genuinely had. I pulled myself all the way to that office, made an appointment. I told the boys I was heading out to meet a friend or something stupid like that.
Sitting in that chair in that green office, having someone ask me how I felt about what had happened made me want to rip my hair out and crawl out of my skin. It was actually unreal how fast I left that office. I had only gotten to the part after his birthday before I excused myself. Told them I had an appointment. Insisted it was an emergency and told them to keep their money.
I walked down the streets after that, feeling all blue and bruised. I knew the boys would have not left me alone if I had gone home, they would have known something was wrong just by the look on my face. So I entered a random cafe I noticed down the street.
I knew I was hiding it worse as the days went by. I knew everyone could see how everything affected me. How it kept affecting me.
I went in and sat at a table in the corner, ordered a coffee, and mentally began making a note of the number of trees that lined the streets.
Distract yourself. Stop thinking about it. Stop feeling all of this.
Beside me a girl was giggling and laughing aloud as one of her friends animatedly told her a story. She sometimes clapped her hands as she doubled over in laughter. The other sat quietly, occasionally scoffing at what she was saying.
Like we used too.
A fourth girl came and set down four cups on the table. "Did you hear? There's a new sculpture class next week. At the abandoned art building on our campus. The teacher is the youngest winner of Venice Biennale and like four other awards. Who knew we had a prodigy at NBU?"
This loud excited questioning was followed with hushed replies and frantic hand movements from the other girls. I counted fifteen trees, counting even those that lined the very far end of the road, when I snapped my head up towards the sound of the words spoken. "It's gonna work out, I promise."
It was just one of the girls from the group I noticed earlier.
Of course it was. It even sounded like a girl so why did I try to find him? Even though I knew, I still looked.
It's going to work out, I promise.
He was everywhere. He was everywhere and yet I missed him with every breath I took.
It made me sick.
I cried quietly in the corner of that cafe then left without finishing my coffee. Back in the apartment Casey had not returned from his random late night walk yet and Liam was painting the walls near the kitchen again.
"Rough day?" I had asked him, and he had dropped his brush and shrugged off his apron at the sight of me, "What happened? You alright?" he had come over to me and held my shoulders, his grip firm. "I thought I heard something at the cafe down the street." I had said, all defeated. "I probably have been losing way too much sleep," I huffed out a humourless laugh, "I thought I heard him. Liam, I thought I heard him at the cafe."
He just got me the biggest throw we had and pushed me to the couch. By the time Casey came back, we had three mugs of hot chocolate on our coffee table and a random Ghibli movie playing on tv. Casey quietly settled down beside me and hugged me, pulling some of the throw onto him in the process. Even Liam sat close enough to let our shoulders touch. We stayed like that on the couch all night. Our wounds too raw to lick. All of us trying our best to keep our ghosts at bay.
I couldn't stop thinking about what that girl had said all week. Before I knew it I found myself walking down the art department on a weekend. I was a little glad I wasn't home then. I was glad I had chosen to attend your classes. I was going to be around people.
I was going to be distracted again soon.
I was going to be fine.
In the distance I heard the sound of your cane tapping the tiles, followed by the light click of your heels. Your purple tinted glasses were the first thing I noticed about you.
So flashy, I had thought.
They had this glint about them that reminded me of those colorful wind chimes you hear outside the canteen on our campus.
That and your hair. All long and white, a few strands seemingly glittered in the sunlight. Simply looking at it felt like getting a glimpse of the moon on those early evenings. You know, those evenings when the breeze is just right, and you hear the traffic faintly from a distance. On those evenings the sky is coloured ridiculous shades of pink and orange. Then faintly, if you look hard enough, you see a dull white shape in the sky. Too dull to be a cloud, too big to be a star.
You reminded me of those evenings when I first saw you.
You looked magical.
I only realised the elevator doors had opened when you walked by me and entered the elevator. I kept wondering whether you were heading to the same class. I kept glancing at you.
I hadn't really noticed you around campus. I was sure I would remember you if I had ever seen you around.
You wore the cutest floral dress that reached your ankles. I remember thinking that it suited you, and that it was so interesting that someone like you studied in the same university as me.
I had to talk to you, I had decided.
I needed to be your friend. An acquaintance. Just someone you know.
I didn't really know why I had such an urge, but I was too worried about making a good first impression to worry about that.
So as the elevator slowly climbed up the building, the wires holding it making a faint winding sound, I shuffled on my feet and took a deep breath.
Here goes-
The lights cut out as there was a loud bang. So loud you let out a yelp and dropped your cane. I grabbed the side railing then reached forward to grab your arm instinctively as the metal box we stood in jerked roughly and came to a stop.
For a few moments there was silence till my brain tried to catch up with what had just happened.
The elevator had stopped. We were stuck.
Then I heard your voice.
26Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGLwgSfC1fI
and then Add to home screen.