I think it was then I had decided I would leave. It wasn't an immediate decision. It was something I had thought of after visiting that park for a month.
For a month I had gone about my life as normal as can be. I had carved out a new corner of my heart hollow, to store all of these feelings. All of these heavy thoughts, these shackles I dragged around, I had stored them there as I smiled at the boys and at you.
I met you so many times after that day. Me coming to your house was a regular occurrence. I would come and sing some songs, teach you some guitar. Getting flustered every time you leaned back against the pillow between us. Feeling my ribs crack with the intensity of the drumming in my chest when your hand brushed mine.
Those visits to your place had been my only joy in those days. The boys did distract me from time to time. The spontaneous movie nights. The dinner we sometimes had together when Liam cooked for us.
Everyday the boys would leave for their classes. I would go down to the park. And sit on his favorite bench. And think.
Remember.
As if thinking of him this much would bring him back. As if he would materialize and cut these chains. As if he would just sit next to me and laugh his lovely laugh, a smile flashing his crooked tooth that somehow added to his charm. As if he would tuck his light coloured hair behind his ear, and tell me it was all going to be ok.
That it would always work out. Somehow.
But instead the birds chirped, till the sun sank. And then I dragged myself to your house. To forget myself for a moment.
How sickening, is it not?
I had not wished to use you this way, as this escape. You deserve to be loved with a heart bigger than a whole. You deserve so much light and love and everything nice and beautiful and lovely this world has to offer.
Yet knowing all this, I was the one sitting next to you those evenings. My fingers warmed as I played my guitar to you, as I drank juice and laughed with you.
I think knowing you deserved better made me do this. Thinking of how the boys deserved better. They didn't need a reminder that he could have survived had it not been for me. They didn't have to pretend to like me. I would leave and everyone would be happy.
Everything would go back to being perfect.
So I began writing this around then.
Slowly. A line or maybe a page everyday.
I never slept anymore. I couldn't sleep. The nightmares were so realistic I could see the figures and shadows of my dreams when I was awake at times. But I never told that to anyone. Even reading this you would probably be thinking that I sound insane.
My angel, that is why I left.
I don't know if I can get better. I fear the better I can become wouldn't come close to being enough. I'm afraid it would take a lifetime, and asking you to wait for me would be so selfish, the gods themselves would make a special place for me in hell.
The boys and I had no idea about his history with the label. He had been so excited to make our band official, to make it big and flashy. He had been bursting with joy when after one of our bar performances, we had gotten our manager telling us that a young man was interested in speaking to us. About signing with us for their record.
He hadn't cared if it was a big label, he had just wanted someone to listen to us, to feel the music made and like it. Like, actually like it.
He had been hopping around with bundled up energy that night, as we made our way back to our apartment, “They want us! That's so insane! Can you believe that!”
“No?! Oh my god! What!” Casey had been losing his mind too, I was laughing along with them and Liam had been secretly moving away from us, embarrassed by our show of excitement.
He had caught up to him and he had smacked Liam's back, "Don't you get it! This is our freedom! Our wings!” he had walked ahead of us, tilting his head back, all dramatic. The breeze brushing past the free blonde locks of his hair, his jacket billowing out behind him. “This is our wings. We can fly now. So far away from our homes and everything. We can go everywhere from here, I can feel it. This is it!” he had turned back to us, his eyes sparkling so wonderfully, filled to the brim with untold dreams, "We've taken our first step to making it.”
“We just got the offer, hold you horse-”
“WE JUST GOT OUR WINGS!” he had shouted, startling us and everyone around. The streetlights flickered, some shone a sad yellow color down onto the dark dank street we had walked. But the stars shone so bright. They flickered too, twinkling and winking and perhaps I was a little high that night. High off of everyone's excitement, because I heard the stars telling me we could make it.
I had shook my head, grinning at the boys like an idiot, as Liam put him in a headlock to punish him for embarrassing us in public, while Casey had almost fallen to the floor laughing at them struggling.
We got our wings!
We can actually fly away!
31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFduVf1qwC
A year later, after his funeral, we had gotten off our beds to clean his room. His family was coming, and we knew he wouldn't want them to see all the deepest parts of him, that were hidden in the corners of his room. All the secrets he had tucked under his bed, at the back of his shelf, buried in dusty boxes piled in long stacks.
We had decided to clear it all up.
We spent half a day on it, occasionally taking breaks to go get ourselves together. To stop crying and will our limbs to move despite wanting to curl up into a ball for all of eternity.
Liam had stumbled upon his diary then.
He had flipped the pages.
He had read it till the sun set and even after.
Then he had cried.
He had cried so hard, his body shaking. His hands trembled. Casey had heard it first. Then I had run out to see what had happened.
He had handed his book to me as Casey had wrapped his hands around an inconsolable Liam. quivering all over. Casey had been stroking his hair gently as he hugged him hard, looking at me with a questioning confused look.
Liam rarely ever cried.
Even on the day everything had changed, he had seemed numb. Not melancholic.
So I had flipped the pages.
Had read all the gruesome horrors our lovely boy had to endure, before he couldn't anymore. Before he left us.
All the abuse at church, the deaf ears his family offered him. The salvation we offered him. His time with his cousins, how he had to cope when his family had been pushed out of their main circle. The horrible horrible times of his time with that man.
His escape from that hell.
He reunion with it.
I had dropped the book. Looking at the boys, unable to mask the dread anymore. Casey still hugged Liam who was sobbing quietly now. Mumbling something to himself as Casey shushed him. I had buried my face in my hands that wouldn't stop shaking. Had felt the wetness of my tears. Felt the shackles of guilt binding my arms, my legs, my neck.
What had I done?
I hadn't been ready to accept the truth then. The boys had looked up at me and opened their arms. Offering me comfort I didn't deserve. And despite knowing that I had crawled to them and let them hug me back.
All three of us had bundled together and cried ourselves to sleep. We had barely slept at all that night. The next day we had sat around the dining table and decided we would take them to court. We would file a case. Our lovely, poor boy didn't deserve this. He deserved justice.
But the law only binds those with shallow pockets, angel.
We lost the case.
Then we got sued by his family. They went to court to tell everyone that we had in fact killed their son. That we had been a bad influence on him. That he was a good church going boy and he had dragged him away from his parents and driven him mad till he died.
We didn't really have much of a choice. We fought back.
My parents were not really ready to listen to the whole story, and simply wanted to settle with them instead of proving our innocence. Liam’s father was told about what was happening and his parents arrived in front of our old apartment one day. I don't even want to tell you about the mess they made before they finally declared, for the hundredth time, that Liam was not their son anymore and left. Casey’s relatives didn't care enough to show despite the calls. So we fought alone.
We lost the little money we had, but we won with a settlement made on ridiculous terms and somehow closed that chapter. We packed everything and moved. We had just gotten into college but we had to write a bunch of scholarship exams and get a bunch of part time jobs to scrape together some money to survive. The year I had met you had been one year and six months since he died.
We had finally ended all the court cases, that luckily didn't drag out longer than it did, and settled into our routines with part time jobs and college. We got a cheap apartment that was falling apart at the seams honestly. It was on top of a dingy hotel. We bought it. Liam spent his time that year painting and repainting all the walls. We thrifted the little furniture we have, fixed all the leaks and learnt to live with it when the water wasn't warm on some days. We bought thicker quilts in winter to deal with the draft that slipped through the gaps in our windows. It was home now.
In the end we all knew what had happened, the boys and me.
We knew of the demons he had hid behind his smile. We knew what had actually driven him to do what he did. And we knew better than anyone, that despite being the closest family he had, we had failed him.
It had started around then, I think, my urge to die.
31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnh0N91poxQ
31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOco7541Geu
31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ939ixXbAcn
31Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NipySt5Zj
and then Add to home screen.