I met the boys three days after the night I received the candy from you. My head had still been reeling from the new found information that you had known. Perhaps not all of the truth, some of it. Dangerously enough of it.
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I had been silently avoiding you for the three days. I couldn't resist texting you, all the ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ messages. All the’ how was your day’ texts had been involuntary.
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The idea that you had always known something and the new found realization that I was in love with you was too much for my mind to bear. So much that I couldn't really form a proper coherent thought in my head.
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Three days I spent dragging myself to classes, coming home to an empty apartment. Till the fourth day, which was when I had walked in to see both the boys sprawled out on the couch.
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“Naia!” Casey had shouted excitedly. The last syllable of my name being stretched out in a sing-a-song fashion.
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“Are you drunk?” I had walked in, throwing my bag at the front door. I had been more worried than angry at them. It was irresponsible to be drinking so much this late in the evening. They both had classes the next day, unless they had dropped a few periods that I didn't know of.
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“Naia! Look! Look Liam, Naia!” Casey raised his arms off the couch frantically pointing at me walking towards them. Liam who was half slipping off the couch simply looked over and grunted.
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“You’re drunk too?” Liam had always been a heavy weight. He drank a bunch. Which wasn't good for him, we always told him so. He had never drank so frequently till after we lost him. After we lost him very little was stopping the three of us from running ourselves into the ground.
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I had realised that.
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But we had fought. One of the reasons keeping us from that last leap had crumbled. We were a step closer then.
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I could feel it.
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“Naia. Where have you been?” Liam slurred out looking at me with red eyes. He had cried. So had Casey by the looks of it.
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I had sat down between them, deciding to only take off their shoes later and let them crash on the couch. I would make some soup for them in the morning, and they would have to bear with my horrible cooking.
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But for tonight, I simply wanted to feel them be together with me in one room. Pretend we hadn't fought and that nothing happened.
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That I still had a family to turn to.
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“Class.” I had said, leaning my head far back on the pillows. Casey had said something along the lines of ‘wow you are such a good student.’ which had made me and Liam snort.
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“Remeber, when we were younger. Mr. williams. On the third block.” Liam had spoken up after a beat of silence.
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Both me and Casey had laughed at that reminder. Mr. Williams was someone who hated the very existence of us. We'd always make sure to go the extra mile and ride our bikes in front of his house while singing some stupid Maroon Five songs. “They way he always turned so red from anger.”
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“He hated us.” I had said. And we had all laughed some more. “And his dog-”
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“Good lord, his dog!” Both Liam and Casey shouted on either side of me. “I love dogs. You both know how much I lovvvee dogs! Everyone loves dogs! But that wasn't a dog.”
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“That was Satan. Satan on four muscley feet.” Liam said gravely to Casey, nodding like he empathized with him. Mr. William’s dog, Rainbow, used to be unleashed to chase us down around the block as a punishment for singing ‘satanic’ songs. Why Mr. Williams considered a good taste in pop music as satanic was something we never gained knowledge of.
That dog was too fit for its own good. Once it had actually managed to grab my ankle with its ridiculous jaw grip. We had escaped somehow then, I didn't really remember how exactly.
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But I had giggled at Liam's comment. I had remembered how all the boys were so concerned. There was so much blood, it had hurt terribly. But i had sealed my lips tight, swallowing all my cries as tears flowed freely. The boys had carried me back home, taking turns to carry me on their back.
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I had to get five stitches. I still have a nasty scare just above my ankle.
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“I never forgave him for leaving that dog on us. It even bit Naia.”
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That surprised me out of my zoning out session. “Yeah, I remember it biting me.” I had said, trying to remind Liam I was still in the room with both of them.
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“Naia. man she was so cool then. She refused to cry, do you remember Liam?”
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They were so drunk out of their minds, they had forgotten that I was right beside both of them. “She was bleeding like a goddamn damn!” Casey had said and then had made a face like he had just eaten the sourest lemon. He had this weird thing of hating it when he spoke sentences where he accidentally rhymed or said the same word twice in a row. The funny thing about it was he unintentionally did it so often he frequently made weird faces that had made the rest of us crack up.
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He frequently had made weird faces.
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I couldn't remember the last time I had seen him do that.
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“I was so scared then.”
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“All of us were.”
“Expespecially him.” Casey said smiling to himself. “He carried half the way back home. Then we both had to fight to get her off his back.”
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“Yea I remember,” Liam had laughed, “he always did love her more than us.”
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“He loved us like family.” Casey had said, his voice trembling. “Not you Casey.” Liam reminded him, “He loved you for real. Remember?”
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There was silence for a few moments. “I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember anything about him.” Casey had begun crying then, tears flowing down freely, his lower lip trembling as he spoke.
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“How did this happen?” Liam had asked the room. And nobody answered.
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How did this happen?
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How did we end up this way? The three of us, when it should have been four. This apartment that we took was his dream place. The college we were studying in, had been his idea. He had thought the campus was beautiful.
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He brought us together with music. Tied us together, made a home out of us. And left.
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He left.
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I was crying that night. Listening to the both of them reminisce about old times. About him. I cried as quietly as I could, not wanting to break this bubble the both of them had made. They laughed at times, talking about dumb shit we did as kids. Talking about his first crush, and how he accidentally spit gum in her hair. How he only ever liked soft rock, and wouldn't budge in his opinion about anything else.
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“And he always wanted the red things."
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“Yes!” Liam had shouted out, “Always! It was so illogical!"
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“It was his lucky colour. Cause it was a three letter word, remember? And it ended with a ‘d’.”
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“That is the most illogical thing I've heard.”
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Both of them had giggled. I had cried harder. Pressing both my hands into my mouth to keep the pathetic sobs from spilling out.
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“Naia could have stopped him.” Casey had said. There was more silence where I had held my breath.
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It had felt like my inside being carved out with a butter knife. They knew.
They knew I could have stopped him.
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“It isn't her fault.” Liam had said, “We all could have stopped him.”
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“We all failed him, Liam.” Casey was hiccuping now, his words coming in breaks between his sobs. “He deserved better.”
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“I know, Case. I know.” Liam whispered.
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“I miss him.”
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Me too. I miss him too.
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“I miss him too.”
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I miss him so much it hurts to breathe everyday.
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“Naia?” I hummed in response, “Where were you the night he called? To say goodbye.”
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I wanted to set everything on fire. Myself, this apartment. I had this urge to rip my vocal chords out and run away again. I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and cry and blame every god and star in the universe for what happened.
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But I didn't.
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I spoke low instead. The truth that I had been caging in me with thorns of my grief and cages built with my guilt. The truth that had in reality been as water is. It had seeped through the gaps in the thorns and the spaces in the cages and split out anyway. Despite everything I had done to hide and deny it.
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“I had gone to speak to his agent. The offer he had rejected. The one about that singing contract.” I had taken a deep shuddering breath. I had kept telling myself it was alright. That somehow things were going to be fine.
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That even though I was to blame for all of this it would somehow work out.
I would be fine.
“The band had been his idea for ages, I mean, I thought I was giving him a gift. I didn't understand why he didn't want it, or why he had hated that offer so much. I really had no idea about anything. About that label or his history with it. I-”
My words were swallowed by horrified sobs at the admission I had just made. At the sinful confession.
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“I had gone to convince that agent to give him another chance. Us another chance. I didn't know. I'm sorry.” I choked out, my voice defeated. “I miss him so much. God, I'm so sorry.” My last few words had been swallowed by the cries heaving through my body.
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Both the boys were silent for a moment.
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“But he didn't want that offer.” Liam had said. His delicate words had broken as they left his mouth.
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“I know.”
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“He would have,” Casey had taken a shuddering breath, “he would have hated that.”
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I know.
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and then Add to home screen.