I had left your house at 3 that day.
I hadn't really thought much of it. Very little in this world filled with fragile male egos would mess with a girl who's almost 6'3. I had told you I was going to haul myself a cab. You threw the biggest fit ever and finally allowed me to be driven home by your personal driver.
"Till next time music girl." your voice soft, now laced with the tiredness you had put off till then.
"Till next time angel."
The entire drive home I kept playing back all these new memories I had gained. All the stupidest things we laughed at, all the dumbest things I had made fun of.
Your obsession with lychee juice and how you had emptied that entire one liter bottle that night. It's a talent honestly.
I had reached home in about twenty minutes. I had walked in to find both the boys sitting on the couch. Casey looking distraught for whatever reason, Liam looking slightly pissed. Which was what surprised me.
Liam might not seem like it but he rarely ever got angry.
Especially to me.
"Where on earth were you?!" Casey got off the couch at the sight of me and came over grabbing my shoulders. "A hundred missed calls, Naia, a hundred! Where-"
"I was at Ayla's. Calm down," I had lightly chuckled, confused as to why my being out late was such a big deal all of a sudden.
"I didn't know mom," I had chuckled lightly, trying to lighten the mood, "would be so worried or I would have sent home a pigeon to let you know I would be late." I had tapped his cheek, my tone high and sarcastic, and moved to leave my bag in my room.
"Why didn't you call us to tell us Naia?" liam had spoken, his voice strained. I had frowned, taken a minute to try to connect whatever dots I was supposed to at the moment, and had failed. I looked up at Casey, meeting his eyes, trying to signal him to fill me in on whatever I was supposed to apologize about this time.
"My phone died. I didn't even notice the time guys. I didn't know you cared this much about me geez-"
"This isn't a joke Naia!" Liam had snapped.
Liam had snapped and had yelled.
I had flinched.
And I hated that.
I hated that he yelled at me, that I had flinched back and that Casey for the first time in the worst moment possible wasn't telling what the actual hell was happening.
"What happened? Did something happen? Did i do something?" i put my bag down at my feet and tried to meet Casey eyes again. He had turned away towards the floor. "I am late for one day, a single day I am not home and everyone is losing their minds." I had begun gesturing with my hands, all the pent up frustration that I didn't even know I had in me seeping out.
"Small remainder, you boys are the ones who are never home! You never tell me where youre going or what youre doing, but I'm supposed to give you a log of everywhere I go?"
I had turned back to Liam, finally finding the voice to yell back at him. That so-called frustration barreling out now, "Does that sound fair to you Liam? When you finally run out of your paints and can't distract yourself anymore by going out drinking you turn on your friends. Is that what this is?"
"Naia-"
"Dont even get me started on your late night walks Casey. If were not joking around anymore lets talk about it! Lets all have a nice long talk, where the fuck to you go?"
Casey had turned away from me now, completely. "Naia, where were you?"
"At Ayla's!" I yelled exasperated. Tired all of a sudden. Confused and angry they were doing this to me. I hadn't even known why I was being made the center of a problem, I hadn't even known the problem.
"We were watch a fucking movie. I had gone to her house to apologize for leaving our picnic that we had yesterday. I thought I saw something in the park and I bailed because I was insane. And she was nice enough to invite me in and even get me dropped home by her personal driver."
"Naia it's not that-"
"Im barely keeping it together too, you fucking assholes. No one ever talks about what happened since that day. No one!" my voice was beginning to betray me then, ripping at the seams slightly.
"No one ever talks about him. And I know were all going through it, so why don't I get grace when I fuck up? Why is it that we turn a blind eye to your alcoholism and lack of talk in general, to the point where I don't even know what you're doing with your life now, and your late night walks that honestly last the entire day."
"Naia wait-"
"No shutup Casey. The first time you did that you have no idea how bad you had scared me. And then you came back. And what? I was supposed to pretend everything is completely normal? That all of us are fine? That none of us are having nightmares or are skipping meals and are struggling to wake up everyday-"
"NAIA!"
"WHAT?" I had yelled in response to Liam.
There was a beat of silence. I was still a bit out of it from the shouting row I just had when Liam had finally dropped the shoe.
"Where were you the night before it happened? The night before we found out." Liam sighed, running a hand down his face, suddenly sounding like he was about to cry, "Where were you when he called you Naia?"
My blood had run cold. The guilt was drown me whole, muffling all the sounds nearby. His next words sounded dizzying, my heart drumming in my ears.
Where had I been the night before it happened?
This is something I wish you'd never find out. You would try to understand me, I'm sure. Because you are just that lovely.
Or perhaps this will be the last string for you. Once you find out in the next few pages, the thread will finally snap.
And that makeshift paradise, whatever we had together was, would fall apart.
"We met Mrs. Penny accidentally. We were out getting some groceries. We think she's shifted over here." Casey had sounded defeated, like I had gutted him to spill the words out.
I had felt gutted as I stood there.
"She told us," Casey had taken a deep shaky breath, "that he has called you twenty times. And had finally left you a voice mail." he had walked over to the couch and sat down, burying his head in his hands, "To say goodbye."
"Why didn't you ever tell us?" Liam was still angry, but I didn't have the fire to fight him back.
So I stood there, burning in their words, feeling like I deserved so much worse.
Knowing I deserved so much worse.
"I didn't, no, I wasn't sure if you both could-" I had taken a moment to keep at bay all the fear and the urge to run out of the room.
To run away again.
"I didn't want to make it worse. After what happened, none of us were ready-"
"So you knew." Liam looked hurt. It had hurt me terribly knowing I had done that.
I had hurt them.
"I was..." the guilt had wrapped its cold finger around my throat, freezing all the words there. The cold ball lodged itself in my windpipe, making every breath I took so very painful.
I had a thought for a second to simply stop.
Stop all of this.
I was so very tired after all.
I think Liam realised something was wrong. That I was about to do something I would regret. So he simply grabbed his jacket and Casey and left.
All alone again.
Without a second word, both of them had simply walked out.
I couldn't even cry. I had gone back to my room. Opened the last closet from the right, and pulled out the guitar buried under piles of clothes.
The guitar with stickers and memories and love and everything that had been when he was still beside us.
His guitar.
I had sat on my bed and played songs he liked all the way till sunrise. Until I couldn't feel anything anymore. Until my silent prayers, begging for forgiveness from the skies, from him wherever he was now, had turned into a fuzzy white noise in the back of my mind.
Then I had washed my face and freshened up to go attend my classes.
Cause life is mean like that, it doesn't really care if you want to stop or take a break,
it keeps moving anyway.
The sky that morning looked a lot like your eyes. That ethereal shade of lilac.
Noticing that made me smile for a moment.
I wanted you to know that.
Even when I wanted everything to end, a reminder of you was enough for me to forget all of that.
Even if it was just for a moment.
12Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBwUUqd7HFs
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