Till my teenage years , I hated myself like the hate you feel towards someone you want to kill . It's not normal. Hate about my appearance, behaviour, language, everything. I hated everything about me . This lead to my worst times when the hate completely controlled me . My body , started showing this hatred from appearance, posture , bad mental health and bad physical health .
At that moment, i stopped dreaming and was on social media for whole day everyday . I don't know how I survived.
But slowly, I started noticing patterns . About
WHY AM I BEHAVING LIKE THIS ?
WHY DO I HATE MYSELF?
WHERE THIS HATE CAME FROM ?
I went into the worst time of my life . The year where I was like a corpse stiff ,still ,cold ,rotting. Then I tried to understand myself. I was in search of someone else who also feel this . I didn't find anyone like this .
But i still searched. In that search , I started understanding, loving myself slowly. Don't know how. First it was small like just eating a meal in 2 days. Or drinking water . Or moving from my bed. Or braiding my hair .
There were times when i returned to the hatred again and again , but still cared a little for myself.
Then I found the root cause of the hatred TRAUMA.
This word , i didn't understand, at first . I was like , no this can't happen. Then slowly, all patterns started connecting.
The anger was response to neglect , harm , trauma given by others to me .
The triggers were to make me follow the same rules again and again , without my consent.
I hated that .
I still hate that .
The most important, self love was about realising it is not normal. The behaviour of others towards me ,is not normal.
The way I neglect myself is not normal.
The guardians of mine are abuser.
Trauma is not always physical abuse. It's mentally , emotionally draining you of life.
I started noticing , others also have this . They just don't acknowledge this.
It was at that moment, I felt grateful to the silent love which I had for myself that kept me alive , that helped me understand myself and the world around me .
I realised that being a victim means acknowledging the harm done to you .
You can't put bandage on your injury , if you don't know where you are injured . Pain would remain there .
I remembered people saying that oh , you have to stop being victim and come out of that phase . Now I understand that pain is pain. It still lingers. It still is here with me.
If I don't even understand the harm done to me , how can I heal myself?
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