I did almost nothing for the last week of the holiday. I took care of my daughter and did housework. I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. Some days we talked to Cenk and talked about what we would do after the divorce. We were still both feeling very bad, but we had calmed down a little more and started talking more normally. Meanwhile, my illness progressed and I could not silence the voice inside me. So much so that most nights I could barely sleep. The pain in my stomach was preventing me from eating anything. It was not good for me to reach the weight I had never seen in my life in such a short time, but I was aware of it, but I couldn't help myself. So I decided to move my psychologist appointment next week forward. Fortunately, Ms. Ceren had free time and agreed to meet with me.
When the appointment time came on Friday, we were sitting opposite each other drinking our coffee with the doctor. I only told what I experienced about Cenk and talked about the voice and my insomnia. After taking some notes, he began to explain his findings.
“First of all, I am sorry for you, Ms. Suna, for what you have experienced. It must have worn you out more when this happened to you while you were in deep therapy. Your reaction to your experiences is quite normal depending on the situation you are in. You approached this incident more calmly and cautiously, to which most people may react more harshly due to your sense of responsibility and burden. The fact that you suppressed your anger and resentment for your daughter returned to you as increased voice, insomnia and malnutrition. I would like to tell you that this situation will pass immediately, but you have a habit of reacting that you have been used to for years. Breaking it is not easy when traumas are added.
Now, if you want, let's continue our treatment where we left off and focus on fully understanding the cause of the main problem and solving it. I will prescribe you a sleeping pill at the end of the session, this will relax you. If you pay attention to your nutrition, you will get through this process more easily. Remember that body and soul are inseparable. If one is bad, the other cannot be expected to be good.”
We continued the session by going to that small room again. Ms. Ceren glued the cables to their places and gave information about the session.
“Yes, Ms. Suna, in the last session, we looked at the womb and childhood periods and determined how the voice inside you emerged. In this session, we will go to your adolescence and youth and look at your traumas there. Then I will move on to solutions and give you homework to implement. If you're ready, I'll start.”
My eyes soon closed with the hypnosis method he applied. I was plunged into darkness, as if I were falling into a deep void. When I opened my eyes, I was in my own room in the house where I grew up. As I looked around, I felt pain in my wrists. As I lifted my wrists upwards, I saw cuts and dried blood. When I lifted the quilt and looked, the whole bed was covered in blood. It was the day I tried to commit suicide. Then my mother came and said “What have you done to yourself!” he started shouting. Suddenly I went back the evening before the incident. We were eating and it was about me going to high school. According to my father, I didn't need to read it. I would stay at home and help with the work or work and earn money. I was burning with love for school and definitely wanted to study. But he never understood this. “I don't have money to spend on you. If you want to study, you pass the high school entrance exam and go to a free boarding school, otherwise forget about school.”
“But dad, I never prepared for the exam, I don't have a reference book or go to a private teaching institution, how can I be successful this way.”
“Isn't what you learned at school enough? You say you are so top student, if you can't pass the exam, what do I understand from that first place. If you don't have the wisdom to win, what are you doing at school.”
“But dad...”
“Shut up, whatever I say, and are you disobeying me. Go now, there is no food for you.”
I went to my room and cry. Life was ending for me. I wanted to study and get out of this place. School has always been my escape, my safe heaven. While everyone was looking forward to school and holidays, I would get sad and worried. Because my father, who was angry at me at school and shouted at me, wouldn't be my mother, who always wanted me to do work. There I would learn new information, play with my friends and have a good time. If school was taken away from me, how could I stand on my own feet and build my own life. If there was no school, there was no point in living.
“Dear Suna, we couldn't smile, could we? What kind of father is this, he doesn't love or pity at all. What did we do to him that tortures us like this. We can't be stuck in this hell. I think we've reached the end of the road now. If we leave this world, maybe our value will be understood. Besides, maybe the world we are going to is better, what do you think. Let's die and be saved.”
I was in a trance. I went to the bathroom, grabbed a razor blade, and lost myself and started making cuts on my wrist. Blood was flowing from the cuts on my wrist and I couldn't breathe because I was crying. Then it got dark.
When I opened my eyes I still couldn't breathe. I was feeling nauseous and my eyes were darkening. The doctor removed the cables and made a few suggestions. When I calmed down a little more, she gave me water and took her place.
“What happened to me?”
“You have entered a crisis. You must have seen a severe trauma from that time. Your brain responded to that pain and took you out of there. When you're ready, please tell me what you saw.”
When I told the doctor what I saw, I calmed down even more. But there was something that confused me. Yes, I committed suicide, but I could never remember how I did it. What I saw now and what the voice said seemed very foreign to me. I wonder if my brain was playing tricks on me. When I told this to doctor Ceren, she lifted her head from her notebook and started talking, looking into my eyes.
“Our brain is such a perfect organ that Ms. Suna always tries to protect us. Yes, it cannot distinguish whether what we think is good or bad, but when it realizes danger, it goes into protection mode. Your brain erased your current thoughts because the emotional trauma you experienced when you tried to commit suicide was so severe. If you hadn't deleted it, you would have experienced the worse crisis you are experiencing now. You saw how much damage it did to you even after many years. You may feel bad now, but you will see that you will be very relieved when you face this trauma and release it. Let's end this session here for today. I ask you to complete the tasks I will give you until our next meeting. I am giving them all to you in writing.”
Ms. Ceren gave me a piece of paper. When I looked at the paper, it said things I needed to do in a list.
The items were:
1 Writing down the events seen during the session on a piece of paper and reading them until all emotions arise and burning them saying “I accept the negativities I experienced and forgive and release” the last time relief was felt.
2 Writing down everything that is felt and wanted to be said to the father, going to the father's grave and reading it to him. After reading, the sentence in Article 1 is said and the paper is burned.
3 Learning about the lives of family members and taking notes of each. Bringing them to the session.
4 A suitable meditation technique is found and started to be applied when ready.
5 Writing down what the voice says on a piece of paper without responding to it every time it speaks.
6 Identifying a hobby and starting to do it.
7 Everything that is said and intended to be done to the spouse is written down and given to the spouse.
These seven-item tasks seemed simple, but I wasn't sure if I could do them. It's like Ms. Ceren read my mind
“I am aware that some items in particular bother you. But remember that the emotions we cannot face consume us over time. I ask you to address these feelings, even if you have a hard time, and to reveal and digest them all sincerely. I can only guide you. Please realize that you are the one who will perform the treatment. You are a logical woman, I am sure you will achieve this.”
Of course, I really wanted to get rid of these burdens that I had carried for years. All this time I had been nourished by pain and did not want to get rid of them completely. But I knew it was time for a change. I deserved to be happy and live a good life. So I would do whatever needed to be done and spend the rest of my life better.
Days passed and our divorce day with Cenk came. I've been trying to stay calm by visualizing this day for days, but when we arrived in the courtroom, my tension was at its highest level.
“Everything is coming to an end. Cenk was our port of refuge. A man that everyone envies and women can't take their eyes off... He won't be ours anymore, they'll catch it right away anyway. He will be with others, maybe he will get married again. Come on, I passed us, Elif, what will happen? What if the woman he marries treats Elif badly? What if the girl we are avoiding experiences trauma? What did we do, Suna, should we give up?”
The voice was talking non-stop, now making me sick to my stomach. Cenk was next to me, looking at the ground in misery. I couldn't go back from here, I wouldn't give up no matter how much the voice talked. Betrayal had intervened, I couldn't continue my marriage like this. I took a deep breath, gathered all my energy and entered the hall trying to stay strong when our name was called.
About fifteen minutes later, I was a divorced woman. This is how the home you had been trying to keep alive for years was destroyed in fifteen minutes. It was that easy. It's over now, there is no man in my life whom I call my family. I was left alone again...
We left the hall and made eye contact with Cenk. He was crying and didn't need to hide it. My heart melted when I saw him like that. I was no different from him. I was devastated to think I wish there was another way. Cenk was the man I loved and called my family. It was the first time I saw love, care and compassion in him. He convinced me, who did not want marriage, to start a family. After all, we had a daughter. Even that was enough for me to love him all my life.
After a long look, we hugged each other and I started crying. Through the sobs of war;
“I'm so sorry, Suna, I'm so sorry for putting us through this. I love you very much, I will always be with you, please remember that.”
When our hug was over, I pulled myself together and walked away from Cenk for a while.
“Now it's done, Cenk, there's no point in digging into the past. My biggest request from you is that we be good parents and not neglect our daughter.”
“Don't worry, there is nothing I can't do for my daughter.”
We said goodbye and left. Cenk had previously packed his belongings and moved to another house. I was comfortable because my mother already knew, and I had no one else to tell. I wasn't seeing any of my relatives and I didn't need them to know. They would hear it from somewhere and learn it anyway. Of course, when Cenk told his family, he had to deal with a succession of questions. Not everyone was easily convinced that we did not get along, but they finally accepted. Cenk's mother was very upset, so her blood pressure increased and she was hospitalized. Then we talked about our relationship we were able to calm him down a bit by telling him he wouldn't change. Getting married and getting divorced was easy for us.
Elif was with her grandmother and would stay there until the next day. Cenk said he wanted to sleep with her. Actually, I was aware that he was thinking of me. Being alone with my daughter in this situation would be very difficult for me. I was so grateful for helping. I wanted to go home and just stand there doing nothing. I would drink something and then sleep.
I went home, took off my clothes and threw myself into the bathroom. A lump was just sitting in my heart as the hot water flowed over me. I admit, especially in the last two years, Cenk and I had become very estranged and alienated from each other, but now my heart ached as if nothing had happened and we broke up when we were very well. For years, I was ready to forget what happened, as if deception had not been my thick and sharp line. My brain missed him as if it were playing games with me and wanted him to be with me. I couldn't understand whether this was a deprivation experienced while recovering from an addiction or something else. But I was aware that the first pains had an effect. I should have controlled myself and not done anything wrong. I was just friends with Cenk now, that's all.
I came out of the bathroom, poured myself a whiskey, took the bottle and got on the couch. I wanted to get drunk and pass out tonight. As I was about to have my second glass, there was a knock on the door. I wasn't expecting anyone, I suddenly found myself wondering if it was Cenk. I got myself in order and opened the door. It was Leyla
“You probably didn't think I would leave you alone in this situation, did you, dear? You didn't say anything to me, but I know that now you stand doing nothing and eat yourself.”
“It starts to scare me when you know me so much, but my dear Leyla. Come on in.”
“I'm here, honey. But I never sit down, first we get ready and then we eat and go to clear our minds. What do we lack from those who celebrate our divorce. We can even cut a cake if you want, girl.”
I laughed a little and hugged my friend. This girl was really the sister I couldn't have. I could never break everyone. He would act accordingly and not do anything to force me.
“Well, beautiful, if you say so, you know I will never hurt you, but let me tell you from the beginning, I am not good at all, I can bore you. FYI, your job may get even harder if I get drunk.”
“As long as you relax, my dear, I can handle it, don't think about me. Do whatever you want today, I'm with you, relax.”
“But you are my stylist and hairdresser, I am not in the mood to prepare at all, I leave myself to you.”
“oh my favorite. No problem baby, leave yourself to me and see the results. I will reveal even more the beauty that already exists.”
Leyla adjusted my clothes, did my hair and make-up for an hour. When he was done, his eyes glistened and he whistled at me for a long time.
“Yes, the whole world knows that you are a beautiful and attractive woman, but now you are a complete disaster, Suna’ dear. Thank God we will have friends at our destination, otherwise I wouldn't be able to protect you alone.”
I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. Leyla chose a red, matte dress that surrounded my body, had thin straps and a tear-off side, blow dried my hair, applied light eye make-up and wore red lipstick. Even though I liked the look of it, was it too much?
“Dear Leyla’, I look very beautiful, thank you, but don't you think it's too much?”
“I don't want to spoil the game, Ms. Suna, you told me you left it to me, so we're going like this. And don't worry, the places we will go are places that can handle this look. I'll give you a nice night.”
Of course I didn't disobey my friend. We set out to have another drink and eat. We took a taxi and went to the restaurant Leyla had booked. As he said, the clothes I was wearing in this restaurant were inconspicuous, but I could feel some eyes on me. After years of being married, it felt very strange to go out like this without Cenk. Even though I was a broad-minded person, I was a woman who adhered to her traditions. I would never do anything that would put my wife in trouble. But what happened? I was deceived, so thinking only goes so far. As these thoughts passed through my mind, I gained even more self-confidence and sat down confidently. Throughout the meal, Leyla and I talked about the weather, water and our experiences. With the influence of the drinks, I was already feeling happy. After dinner, we moved to another place to continue drinking. In this place Leyla had two girlfriends and their lovers. In Turkey, you should always have a man with you in such places. Because, as a society, it is not possible for men and women to have fun comfortably in alcoholic venues. Especially if you went there as a single woman, get well soon, there will definitely be someone hitting on you. You don't even have to be beautiful for this.
After passing the introduction part, the conversation started to progress beautifully. Leyla's friends were very sweet people. After talking and drinking for about an hour, the disco section of the place opened and we went there to dance. I didn't drink while sitting to be cautious. Okay, I was going to clear my mind, but not that much. I had only been drunk once in my life, and when I hated that situation, I never got drunk again. I felt a little better dancing to the music. Dance has always been a passion for me. I took Latin dance courses when I was in college, but I couldn't progress. Then, of course, there was work, marriage and children.
When I needed to go to the toilet, I asked my friends for permission and left. The toilet was at the end of a long corridor. I was just about to enter when someone behind me said, “Sorry ma'am, can you take a look?” he called out. When I turned around, I saw a tall, young-looking handsome man. “Well, was there something?” i replied.
“No way, there is a wonderful woman like you in front of me, what else could I want.”
It turned out that there was a horny guy in front of me trying to hit on me. He probably trusted her appearance and thought I wouldn't reject her.
“Thanks, but I'm not interested. Now, with your permission, I need to go to the toilet.”
so I went in and waited a bit for him to leave. When I went out, he was waiting for me with his hands folded. Two of us passed by and then he approached me and started talking closer to me. It was obvious from his breathing and wobble that he was drunk.
“ I can't take my eyes off you from the moment you first enter the place. I want to meet you. I think you won't regret it.”
He started coming at me while I was talking, I tried to step back, but when my back was against the wall, I realized there was nowhere to go. I took a deep breath, trying to control myself.
“Look, as I said before, thank you, but I'm not interested. If you're going to cause trouble, you'll be the one who regrets it, let me tell you.”
His eyes looking at me darkened and he became angry and did not let me put his hand against the wall and pass.
“Who do you think you are, huh? If you're not wanted, why are you dressed like that then, bitch?”
When I heard his last sentence, he said a wire click in my head and it seemed to break. I grabbed his hand on the wall and bent it hard, bending the man twice and falling to the ground.
I had never used the defense training I received before, but now was the time to use it. I leaned over his face as the man writhed beneath me, and hard but calmly;
“A woman can only dress nicely because she wants to, you bastard. Assholes like you can't interfere with what we wear and how we behave. Until I get this through your thick head, I can beat you all up if necessary. Now you're going to get out of here before I destroy you.”
Suddenly I heard laughter and applause behind me. With the man still under me, I turned my head and saw Kamer in front of me. While I was thinking about what else, the man below me moaned and I came to my senses and left the man. When the man survived, he tried to make a move to hit me, and Kamer grabbed him by the arm and knocked the man down with one hit. There were two more men behind him.
“Take this bastard, make sure he comes to his senses, and then leave him appropriately.”
He turned to me after giving instructions. He looked at me from head to toe. I couldn't figure out whether it was admiration in his eyes or just me.
“Wow, wow, Ms. Suna, I don't know what to say. It really scared me to witness the massacres you've been committing since we met. Tell the truth, how many men did you murder?”
The smile on his face showed that he was making fun of me, but I wasn't about to deal with this tension. What was this man doing here anyway. All my anger wasn't gone yet, so it wasn't a problem to take it off. I stared at him and got close enough to him that our breaths mixed together.
“I never hesitate to teach everyone who deserves it a lesson. I have already murdered in my thoughts all the men who see women as objects and humiliate them. I didn't actually harm anyone, but you seem to want to be the first.”
I don't know if it was excitement or anger, we were both out of breath. The entire time I spoke, Kamer kept his eyes on me and stared stubbornly. At one point, when I finished speaking, his eyes moved to my lips and his gaze became darker. I don't know how long we stayed like that. We both moved away from each other with Leyla's voice. Leyla looked at us both;
“There's nothing wrong with Suna, right dear, do I need to call someone?”
“No dear, I know him. We met and were talking, right, Kamer?”
“Yes Suna. Hello and good night, I'm here if you need anything.”
“Thanks, but I don't think so. Good night.”
Leyla and I went back to the dance floor and took our seats. Leyla's questioning gaze was on me.
“Yes, Suna, I am listening to you. Who was that marble man. My God, what a body it was. My daughter, men like this always find you, tell me what you are doing and I will do it too.”
“As I said, my dear, a distant acquaintance is not an important thing. When we saw it, we just greeted each other, that's all. Besides, if you want, take a look at the men I meet. Right now, standing before you is a cheated and divorced woman. I think you should be careful what you want.”
“Oh, don't do that, honey, just because one of them turned out to be rotten, it's not like they're all going to be like that. There is a problem in the personality of a person who loses a wonderful woman like you. Was it my fault, I wonder if you won't get into your trips, right dear? Because you are not that kind of person.”
“Of course I won't enter. Nothing I do justifies cheating. I've known a lot of people who didn't take advantage of him and went after his ass, there's nothing I can do.”
“ I love your coolness. I'm looking up to you, I must admit.”
While we were talking, I looked across the street and we made eye contact with Kamer. He probably came with his friends and was sitting in one of the VIP seats. The women on either side of him were trying to do everything they could to get his attention. But he was staring at me. What was wrong with this man? I shuddered with his gaze and looked away from him and sipped my drink. I tried to dance with our people, but I wasn't comfortable at all. Every time I looked, I saw him looking at me without looking away. Alcohol started to have an even more effect and my mind became smoky. With that courage, I went towards where he was sitting and stood in front of him and waited for him to stand up. I couldn't stay silent about him harassing me like this. He got up and stood right in front of me.
“May I ask why your eyes have been on me for so long? What's your point?”
“Since you attract problems like a magnet, I keep an eye on them so that there will be no problems again. It has nothing to do with you.”
“So, are you the security guard here? Are these things up to you? And if you are, I think you should be careful not about me, but about the unstable people who are let in. I won't warn you again, take your eyes off me.”
It was as if fire was coming out of his eyes while he was looking at me. My last sentence made him even more angry and he got closer to me.
“What happens if I don't, little lady? Are you going to neutralize me like that man?”
“I wouldn't hesitate if necessary.”
At that moment, a big man came to us. He looked like a security guard.
“Is there a problem, Mr. Kamer?” he stared at me sternly.
I realized that he was the attendant of this place when I saw the card on his jacket. I wonder if this Kamer guy would still be able to talk like that when he got kicked out of here? I immediately jumped into the conversation.
“Yes sir, we have a problem. This man is harassing me by looking at where I am without taking his eyes off. Could you please do what is necessary? If you say you can't do it, I want to see the owner of this place”
The attendant, not knowing what to say, looked at Kamer and stared at him as if asking for approval. When Kamer shook his head, he walked away silently. No, this is too much. Who was this man that no one could say anything. At that moment, Leyla and her friends came to me and tried to take me away to avoid any problems. I didn't listen to any of them and asked them to stay back. I couldn't get my due this way.
“What kind of nonsense is this, who are you that this man goes like this with just one look?”
“I am the owner of the place you are looking for. As I just said, I'm trying to ensure security. Not everyone's eyes are on you, Ms. Suna. Could you please go back to your seat without causing any trouble? Otherwise I'll have to get you out of here.”
My whole body was stiff with anger. This man literally looked like he was trying to take me down.
“Even if you beg, I won't stay here anyway. Even coming to such a place is a big mistake.”
Then I approached him closely and put my hand on his chest.
“I suggest you never look at people as if you were dying of desire while ensuring safety again. Not everyone may greet you like me, you'll be in trouble.”
I said and quickly walked away. I packed my things and left, regardless of what he was doing. Leyla's also went out with me.
Leyla and I came to my house and poured ourselves a coffee. Leyla sat on the chair opposite me and smoked a cigarette and looked at me without saying anything. This meant yes, tell me, I'm listening.
“There is nothing to tell, Leyla, you saw that the man is a rough piece of wood.”
“I understand that, but there is something I cannot solve. What was that chemistry between you. At one point, I was afraid that it would catch fire. How that man was looking at you, he undressed you with his eyes as if you were dancing. Even when you were fighting, it was like you were making love.”
“Don't be ridiculous please, I don't even want to breathe in the same place with someone like him.”
“What were we doing, honey, we weren't talking big. I don't know about this or that, but it seems to me that we will see this man more in your life. Are you sure there was nothing going on between you two before.”
“I'm as sure as my name, dear. He's not that close, we just met last week. He was the son of a friend of my father, so I met him through that means. But of course I would be happier if I didn't meet him. Anyway, honey, I'm tired, I'm going to bed with your permission. See you in the morning.”
I gave Leyla something to wear, prepared the guest room and went to my room. After taking a quick shower, I went to bed. When what I had been going through all day started to cross my mind, I wanted to work on the phone and clear my mind, and I found myself searching for the name Kamer on social media. I guess it was my madness to be looking for the man I just counted. But what should I do, curiosity was one of my strongest feelings. I think it was normal to want to investigate the man I met so many times in a short time. But my research didn't take long because I couldn't find anything. I didn't insist too much and hung up the phone and tried to sleep. As Leyla said, I fell asleep, unaware that I would see this man somewhere in my life, in a very strange place.
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