LOST - beginning of changing

It was early in the morning. I sat at the computer, repeatedly deleting and rewriting the piece I needed to write. But the words that should have been on the page just wouldn't come to me. I was about to start swearing, thinking “Damn you,” when I realised my daughter was sleeping right next to me and fell silent. I had been thinking about this project for days but couldn't come up with any ideas. I both envied and admired people who could produce something. Why couldn't I be like that? After writing and deleting a few more minutes, I muttered, ‘I can't do this anymore, I'll just eat something or I'll go mad,’ and slowly got up from beside my daughter. After glancing briefly at my husband sleeping on the sofa in the living room, I went to the kitchen. Because of the Cenk’s snoring problem, we started sleeping in separate beds shortly after we began living together. At first, this worried me that there would be a coldness between us, but since I had lived alone until then, I got used to it over time. When I experienced other reasons for the coldness in the relationship, I realised that I had worried for nothing at the time. I went into the kitchen, looked at the pile of dishes on the counter, and started swearing again. The counter was never empty, and since I didn't like washing dishes, it would always be that way. I hated tasks that were constantly repetitive and added nothing to a person's life. If I were an inventor, my first task would be to invent a device that could handle household chores without the need for a person and that everyone could afford. I immediately put the kettle on and cleared some space on the counter, taking a few breakfast items out of the cupboard. I went into the bedroom to change and pulled some clothes I could wear from the huge pile of laundry and got dressed. I had never been one of those people who spent hours getting ready. I thought it was ridiculous to spend time on such simple things. Of course, my impatience played a part in this. I wanted to see the result of a task immediately. Of course, this wasn't healthy, but what about me was healthy? Ever since I could remember, I had been dealing with traumas and psychological problems. Since the family I grew up in wasn't normal, I wasn't very normal either.

I quickly finished my make-up, kissed my waking daughter and husband, left the house, got into my car, and drove to the school where I worked. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went to the staff room, got ready, made myself a coffee, and tried to wake up. That day was completely full. Dealing with teenagers in high school was really not easy, but I loved my job. I definitely don't think someone who doesn't love this job could do it, because standing in front of a crowd and trying to explain things while keeping them quiet and teaching at the same time is not a job everyone can do. Especially when these people are teenagers and have attention issues, the job becomes exponentially more difficult. My job was easier because I could speak their language, I was firm but kind, and I had a high threshold for patience. I had been doing this job for 10 years, and my experiences had taught me many things.

When we took our lunch break, my friend Leyla came and sat next to me. “How are you, sweetie? We didn't see each other today, I missed you.”

'You're right, darling, I'm very busy today, I don't know if I can get out in the evening.'

“Come on, you always manage to get out somehow, we both know that,” she said and giggled. I laughed at her response. ‘It's great that you know me, Leyla. Never mind me, tell me about you and your prince charming. Is everything okay?’

Leyla replied cheerfully, ‘Everything's fine, dear. We can't see each other face to face, but thank goodness for the internet, I always see him. Otherwise, it would be difficult, of course, but I don't know, it excites me, I'm happy.’

I looked at my friend with compassion and said, 'You know, dear, I told you from the beginning that being far away is a difficult situation for your relationship. As your feelings deepen, being apart will become even more uncomfortable, but your heart will decide what to do. I will always be by your side, and I want you to be very happy.' When I said these words, I knew that part of me didn't want her to go because Leyla was my closest friend. We had known each other for two years, but we had bonded instantly and shared wonderful times. Now, the possibility of her relationship becoming serious and her leaving was upsetting me. I had never been someone who could easily form relationships with people. My experiences and personality had taught me that I needed to be with fewer, reliable people rather than many. During my teenage years and at university, I saw having lots of friends as a good thing and did things I didn't want to do in order to spend time with them. Later, as I began to love and understand myself, I realised I couldn't be around people who talked nonsense, only took, always talked about themselves, lacked self-confidence, and didn't use their brains. This led to almost no one remaining in my circle. That's why Leyla was so important to me.

We ate our meals and spent the rest of the day attending classes to complete the day. On the way home, I was once again consumed by thoughts that never left my mind. I was living the life I had dreamed of since childhood, the life I had fought so long for, but I still didn't feel complete. I had a beautiful life, a husband who loved me, and a daughter for whom I would give anything, but somewhere inside me, a voice kept nagging me: Is this it? Is this what it should be? Are you where you want to be? Isn't something missing? I loved teaching. Teaching students, contributing to their lives, sharing with them made me happy, but it didn't satisfy me. I wanted to be someone who could create more effective awareness, but I had no idea what I could do to achieve that. I looked at the successful, influential people I saw on television, online, and in books. Each of them lived in the bright, gratifying light of success, and I wanted that. Ever since I can remember, I had wanted to be someone important to people, to leave a mark on the world. Growing up in that small town full of impossibilities, sitting in my small room without heating, I had dreams, and those dreams were the harbours I sought refuge in, drowning in that dark sea. Perhaps the dreams I had built weren't very effective; I had thought about things as much as my own mind allowed, but I had imagined more than my limited world. Now that I think about it, my thoughts were really very limited. I wonder if successful people had gone through a similar process.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by the horn of the car behind me in the light I was waiting for. The light had turned green, and the man behind me was honking his horn and gesturing angrily. “Take your hand off and... well, I need to stay calm, I can't deal with you, you pig”. I got home, took off my clothes, and threw myself onto the sofa. My head was throbbing from being exposed to noise all day. The silence in the house felt good. My husband hadn't come home from work yet.

My daughter was at her grandmother's, and Cenk was bringing Elif home. A few hours later, I had fallen asleep on the sofa when the doorbell rang. That meant Cenk had arrived. I jumped up immediately and opened the door. When Elif saw me, she threw her arms around me, saying, “Mummy, I missed you so much. Where were you?” I pulled my daughter close to my heart with all my heart and said, “I missed you too, baby. I was at work, but look, I'm here now,” and I hugged her tightly and breathed in her scent. Until my daughter came into my life, I had never experienced these feelings before. I had never seen or felt this kind of love in the family I grew up in. For as long as I could remember, I had never felt a true bond with either the place I lived or the people I called my family. Now, my daughter was the meaning of my life. I could do anything for her, I could take on anyone. So this was what it meant to love unconditionally, to be attached.

We had our evening meal. I played a game with Elif and started getting ready to go out again. I put on something more comfortable and asked Cenk, ‘I'm going out, my appointment time is coming up. Do you need anything when I come back?’ and gave him a kiss.

‘If you want, we can come with you, baby, in case you feel bad when you leave the doctor.’ I hugged my husband gratefully and said, "Thank you, my love, it's okay, I'm used to it now. Ms Ceren is a very good psychologist; she calms me down. I feel much better when I leave; it's better for me to be alone and reflect on the session.‘ Cenk accompanied me to the door. ’I'm always by your side, don't forget, my love. I love you."

I felt nervous as I walked towards Dr Ceren's office. This was my third session, and now she would get to the root cause of the problems in my head and find the reasons. Ms Ceren was an expert doctor who made a difference in her field. She followed a very different approach from the methods used by other psychologists. That's why I chose her because the other doctors I went to only helped me understand the problem but couldn't find a solution.

I parked my car and entered the doctor's office. The secretary said, “Welcome, Suna, the doctor will see you shortly. Would you like something to drink while you wait?”

I sat down on a chair and took a deep breath. 'Thank you, Sevgi, a coffee would be lovely.'

While waiting, I tried to control my nervousness and took deep breaths. ‘Come on, girl, you've been through so much, it's pointless to get stuck at the same point, just let it go. I believe you'll succeed this time, you'll continue on your path, just let go,’ I reassured myself as the secretary called me in. The doctor's office was a spacious room furnished with white furniture. There were no long, awkward couches, as is usually the case. When you entered, you felt like you were in a beautiful, relaxing home, and this was very important to me because gloomy environments made me withdraw and put up my guard even more. Doctor Ceren stood up with a formal but sincere smile, shook my hand, said, ‘Welcome, Mrs Suna, how are you?’ and showed me to my seat before sitting down elegantly.

‘Thank you, Doctor. I'm trying to be well,’ I said and sat down directly opposite her.

That voice inside me, which I had been trying to silence for years but had never succeeded, came back insolently and arrogantly and started talking to me.

"Yes, another attempt at escape. How many more failed attempts do you need to learn that you can't escape me? Don't you ever get tired of fighting? If only you would surrender yourself to me, you would feel so much better. I've been with you for years, I'm your most loyal lover, but what are you doing, trying to get rid of me? You're as useless as you are arrogant, shame on you. I'm your only friend, no one and nothing else. Come on, drop all this nonsense and let's just be the two of us, to hell with everyone else." My head began to shake with unbearable pain. No, I didn't want this again. My breathing quickened and I began to lose my vision. In moments like this, it felt like it always put me in a difficult situation. Doctor Ceren said, ‘Mrs Suna, are you hearing that voice again? Try to talk to me.’

In pain, I replied, ‘Yes, it started talking all of a sudden. I don't understand how this happens.’

The doctor said in a calm tone, ‘We can say that this situation is the illness trying to protect itself. You are taking a step towards recovery, towards getting rid of it, but part of you is satisfied with it and doesn't want to get rid of it. That's why the voice you say you hear inside you, when it feels threatened, becomes more dominant and bothers you.’

The voice became even more insistent: "This doctor is clever, but he's just like the others. What does he know or see about us that allows him to comment? You already know what he's saying; it's been said countless times before. So what has changed? You suffered again, you went through hard times, but you couldn't get rid of me. You really are very treacherous. Instead of wasting your time like this, wouldn't it be more sensible to do something useful? Come on, let's be together again like in the old days and leave everyone and everything behind. I'm the only one who will never leave you; the others are temporary."

With great pain, I opened my eyes and said, ‘No! If no one else is here, I have a daughter, and I will never leave her. Leave me alone,’ and I saw Mrs Ceren writing something. Annoyed by the noise, I looked at the doctor and said,

"I'm in pain here, and all you do is take notes? Look, doctor, I've tried this with many doctors, and believe me, it did nothing but cause me more pain. I researched you and came here with high hopes after seeing your achievements. If you're going to use the same methods as the others, I don't want to waste my time. I have other things to do."

The doctor put down his pen and looked me straight in the eye, saying seriously but calmly, ‘Are you saying this, Mrs Suna, or is it just your voice?’

I faltered for a moment, unable to think clearly;

‘I don't know, I can't think straight right now, but what difference does it make? Either way, what I'm saying is true.’

He took a deep breath and said, "Mrs Suna, I understand you. The situation you are in is complex and difficult. Of course, you may have had some unsuccessful treatment attempts in the past, but as you said, I am a doctor who has achieved considerable success and who does everything to do my job properly. In order for me to help you, you must first want to be treated and trust me. Without these two things, as you said, I don't want you to waste your time. You are the patient, of course you are free to leave."

When she finished speaking, a feeling of panic enveloped my whole body and cornered me. "Please don't misunderstand me, going through these processes over and over again has exhausted me. Of course I want to be treated, I've been fighting for this for years. As for trust, you understand that it's a feeling I've never experienced, so it's very difficult for me. But I'll do my best and put myself in your hands. I don't know if I'll give up and run away at some point, but I'll try."

The doctor stood up and said, "That's enough for now. Then we can move on to the next step of your treatment. I will now connect you to a device and hypnotise you, so to speak. This will allow us to go back into your past, gather information about exactly when the voice started, and determine a method for healing. However, what I have described is a long process and may shake you at unexpected moments. Are you prepared for that?"

I sighed with distress;

‘I already feel like I'm in a hurricane, doctor. I don't think I need to prepare myself for anything.’

‘Well then, please come this way.’

We left the room and walked down a narrow corridor into a small, dimly lit room that resembled a studio. In the middle of the room was a box with a large rectangular screen, various cables, and two chairs. The chair I sat in resembled a dentist's chair.

‘This is a really strange device. Are you going to tie my hands and give me shock waves or something? I thought things like that only happened in films. If so, it's scary.’

The doctor chuckled and said,

‘You're right, there are scenes like that in films, aren't there? Such devices exist in the medical field; technology is advancing rapidly, as you know, but don't worry, I won't be using such a method on you.’

He attached cables to my head and certain parts of my body and asked me to close my eyes. Using some kind of hypnosis technique, he gave me some instructions. Suddenly, I found myself in a place where I heard muffled sounds in the dark. I felt trapped, and I was surrounded by water. I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn't. Then, sounds started coming from outside. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but they were arguing. Then, suddenly, I was shaken and couldn't breathe. It was as if there was a rope around my throat, strangling me.

A woman's voice said, ‘Lay the woman down with the cord wrapped around her neck; we'll swing her on the sheet.’ Then a hand grabbed me by the neck and everything went completely dark. Just as I thought I was dying, suddenly everything lit up. My mother, grandmother and grandfather were looking at me. I tried to say something, but all I could do was make a sound. I was a baby!

As I looked around, not knowing what to do, my mother started crying. She looked helpless and weary. There were shouts and arguments coming from around us again. I looked for my father, but he wasn't there. Everything went dark. When I opened my eyes, this time I was a six-year-old child. I was making shapes out of mud on the earthen ground. Children from the village were playing and running around. Then our neighbour's son came up to me. We were the same age. He asked, ‘Shall we play hide and seek?’ I said yes and joined them. One child was counting, and everyone started hiding. We hid with that child under our house. We waited there excitedly, giggling on one hand and trying not to make a sound on the other. Suddenly, a huge shadow appeared above us. We looked up and saw my father. My father grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me towards the house. I was very scared; I had no idea what I had done. When we got home, he closed the door and started shouting. ‘What were you doing hiding somewhere with that boy, you ill-mannered, immoral child? What were you going to do with him, you big head? Were you going to make people talk about us? Get out of my sight. No dinner for you today.’

I didn't understand anything and just kept crying. What could I have done to deserve this? We were just playing. Was hide-and-seek a bad game? I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes.

I could hear my mother's voice now. She was telling me to wake up, but I didn't want to. She called out several times, but I had no intention of waking up.

Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. When I opened my eyes, my father was standing over me, nudging me.

‘Get up, or I'll make you get up. You're going to the mosque today. Go learn some knowledge.’

I got up and started getting ready. My mother put a headscarf on my head and sent me to the mosque. We sat cross-legged inside the mosque with the other children from the neighbourhood and tried to learn what the teacher was saying. When the lessons were over and I returned home, I was sweating profusely, so I took off my headscarf and was getting ready to go outside to play. Just as I was opening the door, my father was there again. He appeared like a demon, constantly in front of me.

‘Where are you going like this?’ he asked.

I said, ‘To play,’ fearfully. He frowned.

‘You go to the mosque so much. It's time to cover your head. From now on, this headscarf will not come off your head.’

‘But Dad, it's very hot, I'm sweating in it,’ I said, and he slapped me across the face.

‘Are you defying me, you pig? Just try it and see what I'll do to you. Get inside quickly, no games for you.’

I couldn't breathe, I was exhausted from crying. Both my face and my heart hurt so much. I went into a room and lay down. I wanted to die, my little body couldn't take it anymore. That's when the voice started talking.

‘He really hurt you, didn't he, you bastard. He doesn't love us at all. What did we do to him? He's a monster, I wish he didn't exist.’

I couldn't take it anymore. My stomach churned, my head spun. I think I was really dying this time. I wanted to scream, ‘Save me,’ but no sound came out. Then a sense of relief came over me, and I surrendered to the darkness.

When I opened my eyes, I couldn't see anything at first; everything was blurry. I blinked a few times and now I was in the doctor's office. My mouth was dry, and my whole body ached as if I'd been beaten. The doctor filled a glass with water from the side table and gave it to me. I drank the water and leaned back. My face was wet; clearly, I had really cried during the hypnosis. I waited for a few minutes without saying anything.

"Get well soon, Mrs Suna. I think our hypnosis session was successful. I must admit that while watching you, there were moments that were difficult for me too. You cried and screamed a lot. I am very sorry that you had to relive these events. I hope you found the moment when the voice started. When you are ready, let's go to the other room and you can tell me what you saw."

I slowly got up from my seat and took a deep breath. We went to the room where we first met the doctor, and I quickly recounted what I had seen during the hypnosis, as if I wanted to get it off my chest. As I spoke, the doctor took notes, gently holding my hand and comforting me at times. After I finished talking, she gave me another glass of water and offered me some snacks from her desk. After ordering coffee for both of us, she wrote a few more things down and began to speak.

"There are stages to human existence in this world, Mrs Suna. The first stage is our time in the womb, then we are born into the world and pass through infancy, childhood, youth, adulthood and old age, finally reaching eternity.

These stages play a role in our psychology and personality development, but the most important ones are the womb, infancy, and childhood. In other stages, we can control what we experience, our emotions, and our behaviour in some way and find our own ways to improve, but this is not possible in the early stages. These stages are controlled and shaped by our family and environment. Therefore, negative experiences during these periods leave deep scars on us.

Mrs Suna, your traumas began in the womb. This situation then continued during infancy and childhood. I believe it did not remain confined to that period; we will see this in the future. Your father seems to have played the biggest role in these traumas, but unfortunately, other members of your family and your environment also contributed to them. In the events you described, you were mostly alone and received no support. It is precisely these experiences and your loneliness that caused that voice inside you to emerge. I know you have been worn down and exhausted, but now you can relax. We have identified the time when this voice emerged. After examining the other stages and observing its development, it is within our power to heal it. You will discover what that voice inside you actually is and what it represents. I won't say anything to guide you. That's all for today's session. Now go home and rest. I hope you'll feel better in our next session."

"Thank you, Ms Ceren. What you said makes a lot of sense and is very informative. I will definitely think about it and internalise it. As you said, I feel very tired. All I want to do right now is sleep. Then, with your permission, I'll see you in two weeks."

I walked slowly out of the clinic and sat down on a bench outside. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My tears began to flow involuntarily. When I relived all those events I thought I had forgotten as if they were real again, I didn't know what to do. Years had passed, and the pain should have subsided, but it hadn't at all. So, it seems that wounds that are not healed, even if time passes, cause the same pain when they are reopened. I don't know how many minutes I sat there, but when I felt better, I got up, got in my car, and set off for home.

As I was driving along, a police car suddenly appeared behind me. Just as I was wondering if there had been another accident, I heard the police announce my number plate. Where did that come from? What business do I have with the police? Trying to stay calm, I slowed down and stopped in a suitable place. A little later, two police cars pulled up beside mine and signalled for me to roll down my window. In the darkness of the night, I wasn't going to roll down my window for two men in police uniforms. I asked them to show me their ID. With a weary expression, they took out their IDs and showed them to me. I checked their details and opened the window just enough so we could hear each other. ‘Excuse me, officer, may I ask why I've been stopped?’ The skinny, surly one replied, "We received orders from the station that there's a matter concerning you and we need to take you to the station. We are here to take you to headquarters, ma'am. From what I can see, you take your safety very seriously. If you wish, you can follow us to headquarters in your car."

"But I don't understand, officer, what could possibly be going on with me? I've never been to the police station before. I don't even have any fines." The larger, heavier police officer said,

‘We are not authorised to give you any information, ma'am. You will receive information when you go to the police station. Will you follow us?’

My head was spinning, but I said, ‘Okay, I'll follow you. Where is the police station?’ I asked for the address and closed the window. I got the map information from my phone and opened the directions. If they took the wrong route, I might have to run away. I texted my husband, ‘I'm running a bit late, darling, don't worry,’ and we set off. I didn't want to tell my husband what was going on and worry him without fully understanding what was happening.

We arrived at the police station, and the officer left me in a small, dimly lit room and walked out without saying a word. Left alone with a thousand questions in my head, I began to examine my surroundings. A flood of emotions overwhelmed me. Excitement, fear, adrenaline, anxiety, curiosity... They all came crashing down on me at once, making it hard to breathe. Just as I was wondering how much longer I would have to wait, a man entered the room. He was tall, heavily built, fair-skinned, with stern features. He sat down in the chair opposite me and leaned forward, clasping his hands on his knees. The fact that he didn't feel the need to introduce himself or greet me made me even more nervous. In a deep voice, he said,

‘Hello, Mrs Suna. I know you're nervous right now, but I ask you to relax. This meeting won't put you in a difficult position.’

I looked at him blankly and hesitantly said, ‘Okay, officer,’ in a voice that was almost inaudible. What was this need to fall into line in the face of authority? I would always retreat to a corner, unable to defend myself. The architect of this, as you might guess, was my father. He never let me speak in front of him. Oh, Dad, oh, how can I ever make up for what you did? Lost in deep thought, I was snapped out of it when the policeman said, ‘Are you alright, Mrs Suna?’

‘Yes, I'm fine, I'm listening,’ I said, turning my attention to him.

"We've been running an operation for a long time. More precisely, we've been after a person. I can't give you much information, but I can tell you that this person is wanted internationally as dangerous. We couldn't reach this person because he was a former police officer, but we've found a few clues in the last few months. At first, we didn't understand much, but later we found clues that this person was around you. We conducted an in-depth investigation to see if there was any connection with you, but we found nothing. We can't catch him because he's a professional. That's why we brought you here, in case you know something. Now I'm going to show you a picture of this person, but I ask you to look very carefully. Finding this person is important to us."

He stepped back and looked intently into my eyes. I think he was checking whether I understood what he was saying. I was in a strange state of shock; so many events in one day had turned my brain to jelly. I understood everything the officer said, but I felt as if I were in a dream. Events I had seen in films or read about in novels were happening to me. Okay, I had always had a vivid imagination. I had imagined myself experiencing different storylines, but being in the middle of those events was nothing like I had imagined. I shook my head, wondering if I was in the real world, and looked around; I was sure it wasn't a dream. My breath was short, my heart was pounding. I took a deep breath.

‘What you're telling me is unbelievable. Who would want anything from me? I've never even been to a police station before. I don't understand, I'm just a simple teacher.’

"I understand, Mrs Suna, what I'm telling you is hard to take in. We've examined you in the finest detail. As you said, there is nothing wrong with you. What we want from you is your help."

He put his hand in his coat pocket, took out a photograph, and gave it to me.

‘This is the man we're looking for.’

I stood there with the photograph in my hand, and for a moment, time stood still.

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