Hello You,
You with eyes that crinkle, and smile that gently strokes a finger down my psyche.
Your eyes will never see this. Nor should they.
You who pulled me up when everything tinkled and crashed around me. My parents’ marriage was a dirty chandelier that finally fell to the floor. It tore the ceiling with it, dagger shaped glass falling around me as decades of hurt cut into them all at once. The madness that followed. Darkened corridors no longer trapped within my mother, but now very literal as she screamed her anguish every night for six months.
It was you who told me to look up through the wreckage to the blue sky above. It was you who knelt before me and promised me the attention I had silently begged my parents for. Free of charge. And reveled in it. Loved every moment we had. It was you who saw the constellations darting across my skin and named them with love. You saw me and declared me not only worthy, but priceless.
You changed the networking on my own mind. You soothed the angry red lines crisscrossing down my mind palace’s marble floor. You coaxed me back into a person from the terrified young wolf I was. And I will forever be grateful for the role you decided to play. For reminding me of my own autonomy, guiding me up the incline of joy. You never took advantage of me. How easily you could’ve asked for my obedience. You only ever asked to share in my joy.
You declared us twin flames, and I concurred. Nothing was off limits. Nothing was too broken to be inspected and gently fixed. No question too sensitive. No musing too childish.
I grew older and you grew old. Our adventures continued and I watched our relationship’s colour grow a little darker on the edges. A bright, wonderous red was now tinged in red wine. I saw the way you looked at me. I saw a quiet, but intense flicker of desire cross your face. And I looked away. Never would we enter that world. It is a barred and bolted door. We both know that. Never will it be opened.
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But I lied to you.
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That day when you quietly asked me. When you gripped the steering wheel, turning to me with eyes lit with a spirit decades younger than your skin.
Of course I sometimes sit outside that door. Sometimes I run a gentle hand down the wood and see a space between time. I see you as your spirit, as you see mine. We are creatures that crave connection. We have shared our souls through years of anguish and sorrow. We have buried your parents together. I sang at both funerals.
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I love you.
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Our relationship has sailed through so many waters. You face twilight against a deep blue sea. It takes every scrap of self-control to step off the ship. But you must never know that for sure. We are a love story broken apart by time. We are of myth and wonder. Better to wonder and never get a solid answer, then beg for something the other cannot and never will give. We both know that. A silence with mouthed words we will never say aloud.
But it rests there. That wildfire tempered into an ever-burning ember. I know you love me body and soul. Something I can never give you.
But if I could, I would. In a land between time and reality I would’ve given you all that I have. I would follow you down into the shallows and given you all you wish, as you have given me all you have. How you bear it I know not.
My love, my wanderer and friend. I have thought about it. I have been tempted. I have laid in bed and considered a world so bright it burned me. I have wished to look into your face and nod.
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But I never will.
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We are the moon and tide. Never to touch, but linked through powers so divine we do not wish to part.
Thankyou, boy.
I beg your forgiveness in this life.
Moon,
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