“Here you go,” Lisa says, placing a bowl of sweet rice cakes in front of Theo.
Reagan went up to bed a while ago, and Dad suggested that the rest of us hang out over Lisa’s rice cakes.
“Thanks, Mom,” Theo says with a smile. He picks one up with his chopsticks and places it in his mouth, tension visibly leaving him as he chews it. I wish sitting at the table and eating a home cooked meal would do that for me, too, but unfortunately it does the exact opposite. I don’t know why, but whenever I’m around the family, I can’t help but notice this intense anxiety in my chest, like it’s been building up for years and years. I wish there were something I could do about it, but it’s been like this for who even knows how long.
I place a rice cake in my mouth, and a lump forms in my throat as I try to shake away the thoughts of being happy at a simple dinner. What will it take, how long will it take for me to be able to comfortably eat with my family? To be able to comfortably share jokes and what happened in my day? Will I ever be able to feel like that again?
My thoughts shift to Nicholas, and there’s this weird feeling in my stomach. For some reason—even after trying to focus on the stressful dinner at hand or quite literally anything else—I can’t seem to shake away the feeling of longing. Normally, I’m able to stop thinking about him after a few minutes, but Dad and Lisa have already gone up to bed, leaving Theo and I to clean up once again, and I’m still thinking of him.
“Can you focus for once?” Theo snaps. I look up from a spot on the table where the rag just was.
“Huh?” That’s weird. He started a conversation. I must’ve done something to upset him.
“Can. You. Focus? I want to go up to bed, but if you don’t focus, then it’s going to take twice as long.” I stare at him. Even if he’s berating me for not focusing, he’s still talking to me, and I can’t help but feel happy.
“Yeah, sorry,” I say, continuing to wipe the table.
“Why the hell are you smiling?” he mumbles to himself.
“Hey, I have a question,” I say, already sure he won’t answer.
“What?” he snaps, not even turning to look at me.
“Well …” I pause, slightly surprised, before remembering that he’ll get upset. “How did you know you were, like, I don’t know, queer?”
“I don’t know. I just realized it after a while,” he says without questioning me. I can’t help but want him to. Honestly, I’ve been feeling different lately, and I want answers.
“Do you know what it feels like … to like a guy?” I cringe at my own words. Why is this so hard?
“I don’t know. Can we just focus on our chores? I want to go to bed,” he says. Sure, it hurts, but he’s right. I’m distracting him. He finishes up his chores and then goes straight upstairs, leaving me with more questions than I started with.
As I lie awake in my dark room staring at the ceiling that warps into different shapes and colors, my stupid brain can’t help but think of scenarios where Nicholas and I still get along, or we make up for all of the years we’ve spent ignoring each other. Maybe that'll happen one day. Maybe he’ll wake up one day and tell himself that we need to talk. I dig my nails into my scalp and groan.
“Stupid,” I mutter to myself.
Why am I being so stupidly selfish? He shouldn’t have to make up with me just because I’m lonely. I’m just being a jerk who only thinks about himself. He was right to not want to be my friend anymore, because clearly I’m selfish.
Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfish. Stupid. Selfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfishstupidselfish.
Those two words ring in my head like a broken record player, and it drives me insane with a headache. My breaths come faster, and my chest aches from how hard it’s pounding. I grab at it—like that will do shit—yearning for my hands to be able to grab whatever this feeling is out of my chest, but of course it doesn’t work. My nails dig into my flesh, deeper and deeper. Maybe the pain will help distract myself from these useless thoughts. I’m so ashamed to even have them right now. If someone could look into my head, they’d probably burst into a fit of laughter looking at my thoughts.
I sit up, knowing it won’t change anything, but still hoping. I puff my cheeks out to hold my breath, but that just makes me more lightheaded. Why can’t I find a fucking solution to this, or anything else? Why am I swearing? I should be ashamed of myself. I bet Theo doesn’t have these problems, and if he does, he at least thinks rationally. Why can’t I be more like him? Why can’t I just be normal?
I slip my shoes on and grab my jacket before I stumble through the dark house to the front door. A gust of brutally cold wind greets me when I step out, but I just continue my way to the sidewalk. I have to be careful not to fall, because it feels like I’m carrying lead on my back as I stumble down the sidewalk. My mind is so conjumbled, I can’t even manage to run. The stinging of the air helps clear my mind, and after a few minutes, I’m finally able to think clearly again. I quicken my pace so I’m jogging and take deep long breaths.
The twinkling of the stars in the night sky brings a small smile to my face as I continue to speed up. By the time I reach the lake—where I was running yesterday—I’m going as fast as I usually do at practice. I watch as a few birds peck at something and fly away into the night when I pass. I hope someday that will happen to my worries. Someone will pass by—maybe even stay with me—and it will make my problems disappear. I know it’s a lot to ask for, but one can have their hopes, right?
I slow down and fall onto a bench that sits right in front of the lake, my breaths coming fast. A soft ray of moonlight makes the water glow, creating a mystical effect. I lean back and tuck my legs up to my chest. My eyes grow heavy, but I simply focus on the shimmering of the water, and the faint chirping of crickets, letting it take me somewhere else. Somewhere peaceful.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PW3vaqUZ2
and then Add to home screen.