My feet pound against the soft ground, and the wind catches in my dark brown curls, sending a wave of happiness through me.
I’ve been a part of both track and crosscountry since sixth grade. My coaches in track always pick me to do long distance running because they know they can rely on me. I’m glad though, because at least there’s one thing I’m good at. Running. It washes me in a sense of calm, sending my worries and regrets far away. It’s a little embarrassing how it just washes away all of my unnecessary emotions, though. It’s not like I should have them in the first place. There’s no reason for me to. But it’s nice to feel something different than suffocating for once.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxgoGFNLlq
Practice was canceled today, so I decided to just go for a run by the lake. I look up, admiring the way the sun glistens off the water, creating a mesmerizing effect. Almost as if it’s glowing.
I take in a breath of crisp autumn air, letting it fill my lungs again and again. Autumn is my favorite time to run. It's perfect weather. Not too hot, and not too cold. And the smell makes the experience even more calming. It’s as if the weather is enough to hypnotize me into feeling full. So full, I feel like happiness is overflowing.
I slow down to a walking pace as I near my front steps, already dreading entering the house. But the thought of Reagan eases my nerves slightly. Reagan is my nine year old half sister, who might just be the only person keeping our household sane.
My stepmom, Lisa, and stepbrother, Theo, aren’t that bad, but deep down, I feel some sort of resentment. I try to ignore it for the most part, because I know I shouldn’t feel that way. It’s not fair to them, Raegan, or my dad. I especially feel bad, because I just want Dad to be happy again. I’m not making it easy, though, because I just can’t seem to get along with Lisa or Theo. I’ve honestly been pretty mean to Theo, but I’ve regretted everything I did. Reagan definitely notices the tension at times, but I don’t know how to help her. She’s too young to need to worry about anything like this, but I’m so completely helpless.
I take a deep breath and slowly walk up the front steps, placing my hand on the cold metal knob.
“I’m home.” I say, opening the door.
I hear Theo and our parents chatting in the kitchen, saying something about how Theo got the highest grades in his college class.
He’s always showing off, whether it’s about his grades, or something good that happened to him, but I suppose it makes up for all of the attention I stole when I was younger. He deserves the love he’s getting now, and I don’t. Sometimes, though, I can’t help but feel slightly jealous, and I hate myself for it.
I quietly make my way upstairs to my bedroom, when I spot Reagan sitting on her floor, coloring something.
“What’s this?” I ask, popping my head through the doorway.
“I’m drawing a suit for you.” she says without taking her eyes off of the drawing. “Theo was talking about designing clothing earlier, so I thought I should give it a try.” She grins mischievously, placing a magenta colored pencil on the floor, and picking up the paper by its corners. “Wouldn’t this look amazing on you?”
My jaw drops as I stare at the bright pink suit scribbled on the paper, flowers surrounding it. “It’s … something.” I say, at a loss for words.
“It’s not my usual style,” Raegan says. “But I think it would look amazing on you!” She cackles.
I walk over to her and ruffle her hair. “You should really work on your skills.” I say, running out of the room and locking my door before she can get in.
“I worked hard on that!” she yells through the door, pounding her little fists. “You’ll pay for insulting my drawing!”
I slide to the floor, clutching my stomach as my laughs fill the room, along with her shouts. “W-what are you gonna do?” I say between breaths.
“Ugh, jerk!” She kicks the door one last time, then storms off.
I sit on the floor for a few more minutes, chuckling to myself. As the minutes slowly pass, the silence becomes louder, and the fullness I felt a few minutes ago fades, almost as if it were ripped from inside of me.
I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, digging my nails into my flesh. Why do I suddenly feel like this? This isn’t any different from usual. It’s so stupid that I feel these stupid things. I shouldn’t. I don’t have the right to. People would laugh if they knew I was sitting here like this. I feel so ashamed. I should do something productive instead of just sitting here.
I push myself off the ground and grab a change of clothes. Before entering the hallway, I carefully check it to make sure Reagan hasn’t come up with some master plan to get back at me, then rush to the bathroom and lock the door.
After my shower, Reagan pounds on my door. I jump up from my bed, prepared for anything she has coming.
“Dinner is ready!” she shouts through the door. A wave of relief washes over me, and I chuckle to myself.
“Kay. I’ll be down in a sec.” I listen as her small feet stomp down the steps, surprisingly loud.
I slip my phone into my pocket and open the door, digging my nails into my palms as I make my way downstairs. My chest already feels tight, but I try to ignore it.
Today, Theo’s hair is neon green, his roots black. It’s always something new with him. He started dying his hair a few weeks after he came out to us as gay. On occasions, I’d see him walking around with dresses or skirts on. Not that it matters. He can wear whatever he wants, for all I care, but sometimes, I wonder if I’m also queer. It’s a possibility, right? Even if I am, though, I’d feel bad about coming out, like I’m stealing the spotlight from Theo once more. And what if Dad only accepts him because he’s not his actual son? What if he’s only pretending? Would I be supported if I came out? Would people find it annoying?
I shake my head of my thoughts. I always spiral into random scenarios when I’m anxious. But … it could be a possibility. I’m not against it, or anything.
“So are you guys excited for trick-or-treating this weekend?” Lisa asks, her smile as bright as ever.18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MCF1dzxHA
and then Add to home screen.