Everything would be easier if I could turn it off
The faucet of fear, fury, freezing in the face of yet more fear
Chased down by doubt, disbelief, discussions on deserving
On what I deserve and don't. Mostly what I don't
Deserve. Like a listening ear outside of a
Therapist's office, otherwise I'm trauma-dumping.
Like to be loved that way by the person I wanted,
No, in no way did I deserve that. No,
What I deserved was being told I was too much
Alone and adrift of support, told to shut up,
Nobody cared about what i had to say.
The desperation led to some dark places
I had sworn never to return to, the excess medication looking tempting
As/at the reminder that nobody cared. That those who cared
Cared for a body and an idea of a person, their son, brother
A brother who loved in ways he shouldn't
Who was why I felt so extremely alone
When I was with family
Especially when I was with family.
I could turn off the emotions when around him, I had no other choice
But when I returned to the safe familiarity of university
I couldn't keep myself from feeling, falling apart.
Nowadays, feeling alone is all too common, all too easy to
Disconnect from emotion as what is there to feel anyway?
What is there to feel anyway?
Boredom, guilt, an abundance of those,
a sense of being a ghost in my own life
ns216.73.216.168da2
and then Add to home screen.