SATURDAY, JULY 1, 1995
I have been so very, very busy. That’s why I didn’t get to finish this book yesterday as I planned. The last two days have been very fun and productive. For some reason, my mind is blank as far as Thursday goes. What did we do? I guess not much. He worked and I did my usual routine. We swam and I made dinner. We screwed, as well as today. I’m still doing whatever I can to deal with knowing we’ll never have a kid (no matter what he says).
We were super busy yesterday. We set the bombs off at 8:30, then Tom, Piggy, and I went to a drive-through to get breakfast, then to Mom and Dad’s. Piggy was not only comfortable as usual with riding in the car, but he had a ball at their house. He still ate his lettuce, squeaked, laid down, and sat with me, and even Mom and Dad.
We took our camera over to show them and we took a picture of Piggy sitting with Ma in her chair. One copy will be ours and one will be for Ma. She’s got a picture frame of different animals that the family has or has had over the years. I’m sure she’ll add this to it. I brought her a picture of me I didn’t like. I also brought her some of my drawings to see and she liked this lion I drew so much that by using a program Tom wrote that scans it onto a grid, she’s gonna crochet it! What an honor that she liked it enough to crochet it. She also gave me pictures on grids of a squirrel and an elephant to shade for her. She photocopied these at the library to crochet. I’m gonna do the squirrel in natural colors and the elephant’s gonna be more far out. This is the least I can do for her for all she gave me, which is like - wow! For years this Mexican family who made and sold jewelry rented a nearby house. Whenever they’d go visit their family in Mexico, they’d leave their jewelry at their house. One day they left and never returned. Therefore, the jewelry’s been there for years with no one interested in it. I couldn’t believe it when she gave it to me. I was like - oh my God! Thanks so very much! There were millions of different beads in so many different colors. Mostly tiny microscopic beads, but there were some bigger ones. There were longer beads, colored glass stones, lots of silver chains, some clasps, raw and polished turquoise, and all kinds of sequins. Not just regular little round sequins, but bigger ones in the shapes of birds, flowers, moons, etc. There are markers for drawing on clothes or whatever. I never had so many beads in my life. I probably have more beads, turquoise, and sequins than anyone else in Phoenix.
Tom has a little cabinet of drawers where he keeps screws, nails, and bolts, and all kinds of things. Well, we’re gonna get one of those for me. I spent hours separating beads. Some of them were all mixed up, so I sorted them by color.
I told my dad and sister about it. And Andy, too. I’d like to make different people different things. My sister likes men’s double extra-large V-neck T-shirts. My mom’s an extra-large. I may make them a beaded sequin T-shirt. Mom and Tammy may like turquoise, but not beads. The kids will like beads, though. I also want to make Mom S. and Andy something. I’m gonna make Tom a bracelet with blue beads. Blue is his favorite color. There was also a tiny charm with a #1 on it which I’ll put on it.
After we came home, I rinsed off stuff the bomb came in contact with and he changed Piggy’s cage. He turned the mister on and we went swimming.
I put some of my drawings in plastic folders but I’ve got to get more. They’re great cuz they’ve got holes so you can put them in binders. They’re in a photo album. Also, they’re easier to take out than it is to take out of the photo album cuz they can rip easily from the sticky stuff in the photo album.
Later…
Later yesterday afternoon we went to the mall and ate. Then we went to Old America, an art store. I didn’t get a doggy mug this time, but the next time I do, I’ll be getting a golden retriever. What we did get were things to make two bolo ties. We haven’t quite figured out yet how to put it together and we may be missing a piece.
We got a bead loom so we can make wide Indian bands for whatever.
Lastly, I got a puzzle that goes well with Arizona. It’s of a guitar with cowboy boots, an Indian print blanket, a harmonica, and a few other things.
Our last stop was at the library where I renewed Shadows and picked up The Beauty Queen Killer, a murder mystery.
Kim sent me yet another letter which is nice since I won’t be hearing from Bob. She said she really liked the idea of me disguising my handwriting and saying I was a fellow inmate with a crush on him, but not Chassidy-connected, or else he’ll show it to his lawyer. Who cares if he does? It won’t do him any good.
Anyway, I’ll write back to her, as well as to Tammy and my parents. I sure do have a lot to tell everyone. I still have much more to write about too, but I’ll do it in the next book. The 3-D kitty journal which is #93.
Later…
Lisa and I had another phone music session. She got the songs I sent her and began singing a song she made up. I played the notes on the keyboard for her and told her what they were, and she wrote them down. She also had me play My Time Has Come on the guitar.
Now I’m gonna go start typing letters, then later I’ll write about Andy’s close encounter with Stevie Nicks.
Later…
Boy, am I getting tired. It won’t kill me to write a little more, though.
Tom said on July 4th he’ll write something in here. I made him swear to it!
As for Andy’s close encounter, here goes - he and his friend Michelle who’s also a Stevie fan went cruising around Camelback Mountain. When they drove by Stevie’s parent’s house they saw her Jaguar parked there. They wouldn’t go up and ring the doorbell cuz he does respect her privacy. He says she gives him enough time when he sees her in concert. Anyway, they went over to her house and it happened to be garbage night, so they grabbed a bag. I guess they don’t throw their stuff in dumpsters over there. They have no alleys for them, either. He said he found lyrics and notes she wrote herself.
He was able to learn she was recently in the recording studio here in Phoenix, is putting out a new album, and is going on tour soon.
One note made no sense to either of us. It said: decorate house, don’t decorate house, sell house, claim bankruptcy, buy condo, buy house back.
How can she be having money problems?
The other thing he mentioned was half a dozen $30 boxes of facial products she bought at an expensive department store.
I typed up letters to Tammy and my parents. Tomorrow I’ll do Kim’s.
It’s also nice to be back in a book this size so I can lay on my stomach to write. It’s comfier that way and it gives my back a rest. I can only sit slumped over writing for so long.
I like this kind of hot chocolate I got cuz it came with a separate pouch with a lot more marshmallows than you usually get.
Gonna go read and listen to music now.
TUESDAY, JULY 4, 1995
I have so much to write about, it’s pitiful. Again, I wish I wrote when things were fresh in my mind. As time goes on and more stuff happens, my mind goes blank.
All had been fine and Tom said it looks possible for us to go see my family in the spring of ‘96. He told me that right before he went to bed, then an hour later, it hit me. One of those strong, sure, dead-set feelings I’m almost never wrong on. We are going to see my family which is great, but there’ll be no kid. He said, “If the kid is delayed we’ll go, but if you’re pregnant we won’t go. It’s as simple as that.”
We’re going. But I did figure as much anyway.
Despite all the pros of not having a kid, I was so angry as I was lying in bed that night. (two nights ago) Through my tears, anger, and frustration, I said, “God, I want to know why? What’s on your mind? Why are so many things in this world so unfair? Me and my friend Andy have prayed several times, but it’s quite obvious You don’t want us to have a child, so I’m not even gonna beg for one. I just want to know why. Are we too good? Not good enough? Is it not a good or right thing for us? Will it really ruin our marriage? Would it really kill us physically or mentally? Is it because we’re not losers, abusers, or druggies? Why, why, why?”
Then it happened. An experience I’ll never forget and will never ever tell Tom, or anyone else for that matter. Before I get into it, though, I’d like to mention a few other things that we discussed. I was confused by his telling me to never give up. Then why the decision to either get a hysterectomy or go on the pill in January? He said January’s when I decide if I still want one. (like he knew there wouldn’t be one)
I’d love to be as against it as I’m against gangs. Realistically, though, and like he said, I think I’m always gonna feel the same. I’m also gonna feel that he doesn’t really want one no matter how many times he says he does unless he ever cums. Maybe the reason why he insists he wants one is so I don’t believe he doesn’t. I asked him if he’d honestly tell me if he thought it’d be years from now until and if we had a kid and he said yes. Well, right now when he says he thinks I’m very ready, this is a good time, and that I can get pregnant, it means nothing to me till I see a certain action in bed.
Oh shit! Tom and I both forgot his promise to write in here. Oh, well, there are always other days. I’m starving now, so after I take a break I’ll write more later.
Later…
After I was letting God know just how angry I was, I was all of a sudden overwhelmed with a calming, soothing, and comfortable source. No, it wasn’t my grandparents. It was Robin. I don’t know how I know or remember her name, but I just know her name is Robin M. She wasn’t by my bed long, but she said stuff like, hang on. God doesn’t hate you. Your remaining dreams will come true, etc.
First, though, I could feel her take hold of my arm, but not really feel it in the way that I would if Tom took hold of my arm.
She began by telling me she died 10 years ago of cancer, but that God makes the rules and that spiritually she was not allowed to connect with me in any way till now. She didn’t say why. She told me she always has and always will love me and that I was truly special to her.
I tried to ward the whole experience off. Tried to tell myself it wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening. I wish I could say it was all my imagination, but I know she was here. In the end, she said there were some things she missed about “life,” but that overall it wasn’t bad where she is, and that she’ll see me there someday, but not for a long time.
Larry called Sunday which is cool. The other Larry picked up another phone saying he needed it and Larry was teasing him saying, “What are you gonna do about it, big man?”
So when Larry told him I was on the phone, we exchanged quick hellos. He enjoyed the edits and the video.
When I said we were planning on me singing Desperado to music on the computer, he said to send him a tape. That shocked me cuz he used to hate my singing along with myself and most others years ago. Well, I’m sure that through talks with Mom and Dad and me singing on a few edits, he knows I’ve improved over the years.
He’s thinking of going back out on the road to stay and that eventually both Larrys will drive together and maybe own a truck or more. Yeah, I can see them driving together.
Later…
I’ve been doing quite a bit with the beads. I made 3 necklaces for my nieces which I’ll send out tomorrow, along with a letter to Kim. I made Tom a bracelet. I made myself a bracelet and a necklace and also a bolo tie. I made a strip of beads with the bead loom and plan on making a beaded barrette. We bought a barrette with nothing on it at the art store, as well as pin backings, needles, needle threaders, and silver metallic thread.
I still plan to expand on more ideas. I’m currently working on a coil bracelet that I’d wrap around my wrist several times.
Andy was over late Sunday night and agreed that I do look like I have a tan. I showed him labels, beads, and my 3-D journal.
Then I taught him the intro I figured out to an Abba song that I hate and he loves. We played a little keyboard and I forgot that I knew how to play If I Were You by Stevie. He taught me shortly after we met up again.
My day didn’t start off on a good note today. Tom said I was having a “crisis” cuz I felt feverish.
I was? Since when is feeling warm a crisis? It was warm in here, though.
He put a regular white blind up over the outside of the living room window the day I got the 60-drawer cabinet for the beads, so that’ll help.
I told him, though, don’t ask for me to tell you what bothers me mentally or physically if it’s gonna upset you.
Earlier this evening was quite a riot, though. He had to go to bed early cuz he’s got to get up early, so we lit the box of sparklers Ma gave us before it was dark.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 5, 1995
About the sparklers; it was pretty funny. We hung up the American flag and set up the camera on the tripod. As he set the timer to take a picture, and as it snapped, the end of the flag was in his face and he was holding two dead sparklers. They went out before he could get it set up and the wind blew the bottom of the flag in his face. I can’t wait to see this!
We then set up the camcorder in case we botched up another picture which we did. This time, I don’t know if the flag was in his face, but he was holding the last of the 6 sparklers and it went out as the picture shot off. At least we have us both with sparklers on film.
I forgot to mention earlier that I began making a sequin T-shirt.
Just got an email message from Alex. He’s kind of sad and lonely now, as he broke up with Mary. This is too bad cuz he seemed so happy with her.
I wish there was a good movie on now, but there’s not. Guess I’ll go listen to music, do some computer work, or read some more.
I’ve got to soon begin 91, which will be my 5th book of the story, and probably the last as well.
THURSDAY, JULY 6, 1995
I’m psyched! It’s not definite, but in October or November, we could very well be going to California!
When I was talking to Tammy today I wanted to blurt out so bad that we’ll be there in May of ‘96. I didn’t though, cuz you never do know. No, I won’t be pregnant, but who knows if we’ll have the money?
Tammy says it’s hot and humid there.
I still have to see it to believe it, but she says she’ll use the tape we sent her to film them and just send that back and forth to each other. She says her hair is past her shoulders. Now that’s hard to imagine! I think the last time it was almost to the middle of her back was when she was in high school.
The Norah movie called Bullseye sucked and she was only in it twice for two seconds. The first time she didn’t look too good, but the second time she looked OK, wearing a nice pink bikini and her hair wasn’t too short.
I forgot to mention that Larry said Sandy returned the computer they had. It had too many problems.
FRIDAY, JULY 7, 1995
Andy was over to pick up today’s soaps I taped for him (now yesterday’s soaps). He said his VCR is now fixed perfectly and they demonstrated this to him when he had it fixed before he took it home. He didn’t stay. He was only here to get the tape, but he had said, “You look good tonight. Do you want me to take your picture?”
No, I told him, cuz I had no makeup on and didn’t feel like putting some on just for pictures.
Another line Tom said suggesting he wants to wait on the kid regardless of what he says popped into my mind. He said I really should improve on my “now or never” attitude. That my saying we’ll have a kid later than never is a big help to his “little problem.” I’m not even gonna bother to question him on this for two reasons. Cuz he’ll only insist I read his statement all wrong, and I know we’ll never have one. Therefore, it’s useless to really worry about what’s on his mind.
He went down on me tonight and tomorrow he says he wants to screw, but I don’t know. Yes, I love to screw, but even if I didn’t want a kid 100% of the time, it just feels weird knowing the guy’s only doing it for a hard-on. Then after banging away for 10-20 minutes, he’ll pull out, still hard as a rock, and say he’s ”content.” How weird! Is there any other guy like him? One who only gets hard, but never cums?
He hasn’t mentioned us sleeping together even on his days off and I know it’ll be a very long time until and if we sleep together. I wonder if it’s cuz of his so-called wet dreams. Is he afraid that I’ll feel and see that the sheets are wet and feel angry or hurt? This has just gotten to be way too weird.
He’s gotten a lot of shit done lately, but still, so many things are a joke. The bee machine. The cigarette machine. And now he says that in a week or so he’ll get the business license. Oh please! Give me a break! Who does he think he’s kidding?
I feel bad for Alex who broke up with Mary, but I had to laugh at one of the reasons why. I guess she cheated on him, but I guess she also had a problem with dryness. Then he said sorry to share that with me, which is no problem for me. I wanted so badly to slap back with, oh yeah! Well, my guy here says he wants a kid, we’re very ready and the time’s right, but he won’t cum! Never has, never will. What do you make of that? Not to mention what DES can do to a woman’s reproductive system and a God who doesn’t give a damn.
Anyway, getting it all out in here helps, as well as keeping focused on my many hobbies and the cons of having a kid. I will get through this phase. I’m sure others who can’t have kids go through their cycles too, and I’m determined to one day get over this. Just wish I knew when!
What shall I do now? Bead or read? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out.
Later…
Holy shit! I cannot believe what Andy just told me, even though I know he wouldn’t bullshit me. He warned me that it’d be far out, but there was no way he’d make this up. I know him.
I haven’t wanted to think about or talk to anyone about Robin’s visit and it’s not that I couldn’t tell Tom, but I definitely want to tell Andy.
He didn’t finish his story and I didn’t tell him mine, cuz his friend Michelle came over. They’re going to go collect more of Stevie’s garbage.
We were talking about how he was scared to walk by his 6 or 7 visitors of his neighbor. Then he prayed and all was alright. They were friendly and didn’t give him any shit or say anything gay to him.
Again I asked why praying worked for him and not me. Especially big prayers. He said I really should get down on my knees when I pray and don’t give up on it, even if the prayers aren’t granted. He said praying for others helps, too. I have, though. I prayed for him to help Tom too, but if Tom’s so insistent and set on holding out, no one can help him but himself.
We’ll see, but anyway, as we were gabbing he said he saw something really weird. A shadow of what he believed was a black man appeared and disappear on a wall. He told me since he’s been there that he believes it’s haunted. He doesn’t know why.
I suggested he try to find out if anyone was murdered in there and he said, “That’s all I’d need to know.” Meaning he doesn’t want to know if that’s the case.
He mentioned talking to someone who reads palms and deals with entities, but we didn’t get into it too far cuz of Michelle’s arrival.
Here’s what he did say - one night he was lying wide awake in total darkness on his bed. He said he couldn’t see anything but could feel a guy crawl onto the bed from the foot of it. Then he raped Andy. He said it wasn’t painful like a real rape, but he could feel his dick sliding in and out of his butt. Then when he came, he rubbed his dick across the cheeks of his butt and he could feel that as well. He said even the next day it felt as if something had been up his butt, but there was no pain.
So anyway, he said it took him a while for a name to come to him, but finally, the name Greg came to him.
I can’t wait to hear the rest of this tomorrow. He said he won’t be home till midnight. I told him I should be up, so to call when he can. I want to share my experience with Robin with him and see if he thinks it was real or my imagination. Oh, I’d love to believe it was my imagination, but I’m about 85 - 95% sure it wasn’t. Well, at least she didn’t harm me or scare me. That shit with the knocking or tapping I heard when I asked God for a sign that he heard me was different. That scared me!
Andy said he believes everyone has a guardian angel and that they’re the ones who work for God and hear your prayers. Then they take it to God and he deals with it and makes a decision about it.
He believes in heaven, and I asked him where he thinks it is, and he wonders if they’re inside one of the planets we can’t explore. That’s an interesting theory or thing to wonder about.
He said you can’t fool God as Tom said. You know how I say that if you’re a druggie, an asshole, or don’t want a kid, you get one? Well, I certainly don’t want to be a druggie or an asshole, but I thought that if I could convince God that I was dead set against having a child, He’d grant us one, but I very seriously doubt it. On the other hand, I believe His intentions for keeping me childless are loving and protecting, too. Like He doesn’t want my worst fears about it to become a reality. Maybe it’s both. Maybe both my theories are right. Any other possibility eludes me at this time as to why He won’t allow us a child. If there’s another answer, it may take years to find it out. Some things that have happened to me that have been good, bad, or neither, have taken me years to figure out. I just wish more of my life could be dictated by me.
Later…
I hope to have no more encounters with Robin, but need I really be afraid if I do? Can she thoroughly know me and look in on me like I believe God can? Does she know everything I think, feel, believe, fear, hate, like, love, etc.? I always believed spirits of our dead loved ones could. I just hope they don’t when I’m having sex.
Can Robin read all my journals? Should I try to influence any contact with her? Maybe I shouldn’t cuz then if anything happens it’d more than likely be my imagination in a case like that. Right? I’ll have to think about it, but in the meantime, I’ve remembered a couple of other things.
I’ve also learned things about her I couldn’t and shouldn’t know, but I just know. I just do know them.
The night I talked her to sleep when I stood with her in her cabin she mentioned or said, “She’ll stay on the bed.” Meaning her dog, which I believe did sleep with me. Then something about how the dog liked me, which she said in the morning.
I wish that Polaroid she gave me was still with me. Better yet, I wish it were a picture of her she gave me.
There were two twin beds in that tiny cabin. I wonder who, if anyone, slept on that other bed normally? Perhaps that explains one of the things I now “just know.”
An adult usually slept there who was maybe sick or had to go wherever cuz she was only 16 when I was 9! When I suddenly knew this I said - 16! But how? I thought she was 20-25 back then, but I suppose a 16-year-old could look or appear 20-25 to a 9-year-old. That would make her 36 now if she were alive, not 40-something, and she died at age 26.
Would they allow a 16-year-old to take a 9-year-old overnight? Yeah, I suppose they would at a camp. I think I do remember her asking the counselor in my cabin if she could take me and the counselor saying something like, yeah take her.
I wonder why she was in that small cabin. Why not in one with other campers? Maybe she was a backup. Meaning, if a counselor in a cabin got sick, she’d go to that cabin.
I wish I could remember what we talked about. I think she was involved with the campers and their activities. Maybe sports. I was a really big storyteller back then with all kinds of tall tales. I believe I was trying to convince 1-3 counselors I was bionic at a picnic table. I wonder if she was there to hear that one. It had to have been the summer of ‘74 when I was 9. I called Andy to ask what year The Bionic Woman came out to make sure the years are right, but I’m quite sure they are.
Later…
Here’s what I know about Robin: It’s all good stuff. The only negs are she’s rather quiet. Not as quiet as Brenda was, though! Maybe not too intelligent. She didn’t have many skills, but she wasn’t stupid. She was always thin and kind of fit. She was never pretty and feminine, or ugly and dyky. She was plain. She always had her hair between her shoulders to nearly her middle back. Always a plain/casual dresser. No makeup, or the types of clothes I’d wear. No high heels, either. No drugs or violence of any kind. She was great with kids but never had any. Never married. Her income was mostly average. She had 1-2 roommates at one or more times on her own, then had either an apartment or a condo. Nah - maybe a duplex. Some kind of townhouse. She had an OK childhood. Never had many friends. She preferred to be alone. She wasn’t close with her family, but she wasn’t enemies with them, either. She may have been a Phys. ed. teacher at a school during the years. She had about two lovers and was gay.
Back when she knew me she either sensed or knew I had trouble at home and wished she could keep me. Not as a lover, though, at the ages we were. Now, she wishes we could be together if she were alive. She loves me and considers us soul mates that weren’t meant to be. This is all like - wow! Huh? I mean, it’s been 20 years for God’s sake, so I know it’s real. Especially when I hardly ever thought of her, even though I always remembered her. Why else would that experience have happened? Why else would I know all this information?
Later…
Thank God I’m not watching anything on TV right now. The pigs are swarming around right now in their helicopters like crazy and that interferes with the reception. Something big must be going down right now.
They say by Monday or Tuesday we could be in for some T-storms, so I hope there’s either nothing good on then or it’s no big deal to me if there is.
Got the clit vibrator today and I really love it! There’s still nothing like when Tom and I have fun, but the vibe is for when I get horny when he’s working or asleep it’s great. At first I thought to myself, this feels great, but I’m never gonna cum by this. I did, though, with no problem.
I got a surprise when I called Tammy’s today. It sounded noisy and I asked, “Have you got company?”
She said, “Yeah, I’ve got company”
So, I offered to call her back and she told me to hang on. Then I heard, “Jodi Lin!”
I was like - Dad?!
Yup, he’s there till Sunday, then he’ll be in Brimfield, MA doing the flea market.
He jokingly said, “I came here again cuz I like Tammy better.” I told him I was jealous, and I am to a degree, cuz I miss him and everyone else a lot.
Tom helped remind me that it’s perfectly OK to miss my family, they love me, miss me, and are proud of me, but Tammy needs them more. This is true, then Tom said, “Don’t tell Tammy this, but I think the main reason he’s there is cuz of the flea market.”
That’s true too, and we all know that.
I told Tom about some of the talks Andy and I had, and he found it quite interesting and funny. Of course, I never mentioned his black ghost or Robin and yes, I’ve had more experiences with her, but I’m not gonna get into it now.
Tom and I kind of both agree that it’d be awfully hard to fit billions and billions of spirits inside planets. I don’t think you leave the earth forever cuz then I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had with Nana and Pa. I think you can be anywhere, anytime.
SATURDAY, JULY 8, 1995
Andy should be calling any minute now. We gonna resume and finish last night’s chat.
I took down my journal chart which I had on the side of my bookcase. I replaced it with some pictures that were where I’m gonna have Tom mount my cabinet of drawers this weekend. He’s also gonna write in my paper journal this weekend. Maybe I’ll have him write in 91 since I have colors picked out for each page in there. That way he can take up as many pages as he wants. I retyped my journal chart and put it in my current letter binder. I haven’t done a running total of all my letters in quite a while. I think I’ll go do that.
Got a total of 437 letters right now!
Later…
Today was a good day and we had oral sex, as well as screwed. I didn’t cum, but was so close. That could be my fault, as I got carried away last night with that vibrator and came 3 times during the night.
Naturally, he didn’t cum and when I commented on waiting on the kid, he said we’re not gonna wait for anything, which makes no sense and doesn’t go with his actions at all. I didn’t question it, though. I’m beyond the what-does-that-mean stage. Let him play his game, I say.
He and I had so much fun recording today. I sang to the keyboard track he played to Desperado. He says there’s a music composition program out there that sounds so cool. I’ve figured out songs by ear here and there that I’ve either written down (usually just the melody) or remembered. Well with this program, you can sing into the mike and the computer will print the notes you sing. What a great and amazing program!
SUNDAY, JULY 9, 1995
Before I get into the stuff I discussed with Andy last night, let me say this. I questioned Dad today for the “special little book” I’m writing. I asked him to put his thinking cap on and tell me how old I was when I went to that particular camp. He said I was about 10. Also, he knew it was in Maine, but couldn’t remember where. He said it was some little village outside of Portland.
Anyway, I brought up the atlas on the computer and printed out the state of Maine. It didn’t list every single town and city, but if I do get curious enough to play detective, this may help.
All of Maine’s area code is 207, so that’s nice to know. MA is smaller than ME, but it’s got 3 area codes. AZ now has 2. All of AZ used to be 602, but now only Phoenix is. Well, the Phoenix area is, like Paradise Valley, Glendale, etc.
Did I ever mention the game I briefly remember Robin showing me that she and her dog played? She’d hide in the woods and the dog would always find her.
Later…
I was on the phone with Andy at 12:30 when Tom got up puking. He just now went back to bed and I hope his ordeal’s over with for his sake. I know the yucky miserable feeling of puking.
Last night Andy and I spoke for nearly 3 hours. Before I get into our “ghosts,” I’ll update his latest Stevie news. He and Michelle did another trash pickup. Now he has her phone number, her backup singer’s phone number, her friend’s number, and even her credit card number. That’s so stupid of Stevie. If I were famous and was gonna throw away any valuable info like that, I’d shred it up first.
He said a credit report shows some girl, as well as a guy, share her credit card and the guy bought $5,000 worth of stuff. He found the names of her dentist in Scottsdale as well as 3 other doctors who gave her prescriptions for pain, swelling, and congestion.
The funniest and strangest thing was an unopened letter from a fan. Obviously, she’s gotten mail before from this wacko. The weirdo wrote a corny poem and is a lesbian living in Scottsdale, who’s in love with Stevie. Stevie’s not homophobic and is bi, but this girl was quite corny.
Another girl wrote a short and dumb letter from New Mexico. She simply addressed it to Stevie Nicks, Paradise Valley, AZ yet it still got to her.
She also got a letter about doing some interview.
Osco is where she went for her prescriptions.
So, the weirdo from Scottsdale named Sally is gonna get a weird letter from me without any return address.
Later…
So Andy and I swapped ghost stories last night. He hasn’t had any more encounters with Greg but says his electrical stuff is screwy. Entities, spirits, or whatever you want to call them, have a way of affecting electrical stuff with their energy. He said if he hadn’t had his experience, then yes, he would’ve thought I was crazy. I told him everything that’s happened, which is more than I’ve written so far.
Before I finished my story, he said he doubted it was my imagination, but that it could be this - he’s felt the vibration of those he doesn’t see too much when they think of him and vice versa. He said it’s got to be with someone he knows; not Stevie, Linda, or Gloria.
When I finished, though, his final conclusion and belief were that she is dead, loves me, means no harm to me, and will probably be with me for the rest of my life. He made it sound like I was very blessed with a lucky spirit to have connected to me. Yeah, I feel that way too, but I don’t know. It’s just all so weird and unexpected.
He told me how to go about investigating her and the camp, which I already knew, but would they have info from 20 years ago? Would they give it to me if they did? Hell, I’m not even sure her name is Robin or what city or town the camp’s in if it still exists.
Andy said that for her to have her own cabin (or one with some other unknown person) she’d have to have been there a while and have some authority there.
Could she really have been only 16? This is the thing that seems the strangest, maybe even unlikely. Could my feeling on that be wrong? Did she send me incorrect info if she’s truly dead, or mix it up somehow? Did I misunderstand her?
Andy said that if I do and can contact them, to tell the truth. Tell them I briefly knew a counselor there who made me feel really good, as I was troubled at that time.
I’ll leave out any mention of writing a book. That may scare them and make them feel put on the spot.
Later…
As I find reasons to believe she really is dead and is spiritually with me, we’re thinking of each other (she’s alive) and sending vibrations to each other, or it’s all in my head, I thought of something I never realized or considered before. Paula B. Back about 7-9 journals ago Paula was really on my mind. I wondered a great deal about her and was missing her, as I suppose I always will, along with a few others. I wondered if she ever thought about me. Wondered where and how I was. The point is, is that the whole feeling was different. I never experienced sensations of her being here. Never got sudden and sure feelings of info from her that I shouldn’t and couldn’t know. She’s alive. She’s alive and either I thought heavily of her or we both did. But she is alive. I just know she, Jessie, Jai, and Steve are alive.
Later…
Hey! I think I just remembered her commenting on my dad being handsome when he came to get me. Was it Robin who said that? That’s a 50/50 guess, but somebody somewhere did say that.
Back then did she wish I were her child? Or older so we could be lovers? My first guess is a kid of hers, but not quite as a mother. More like a friend, but in her mind, we’re definitely lovers now.
Yes, I really think it could’ve been her that said that, but oh how I wish I could remember every single detail! Very slowly and with straining my mind, I’m remembering a few more things. I hope I remember more.
MONDAY, JULY 10, 1995
Andy will be calling back any minute now. He had to go fold his laundry. Andy and I were talking with Karson and their friend Kim till he had to go fold his laundry. Then Karson gave me her number, then hung up cuz Kim wanted to ask me a personal question in private. She said she trusted Andy and knew I could be trusted by what Andy told her.
She asked, “There’s this guy I like named Mike who says he wants me but doesn’t call me. What do I do?”
I said, “Fuck him. There are always gonna be people you want who don’t want you and people who want you that you don’t want. Actions speak louder than words, so if someone’s actions don’t comply with their words - screw them and try finding someone where both of your feelings are mutual.”
Then I called Karson back who demanded to know what she said, but I wouldn’t tell her. I said she had to go out somewhere which was true. Then we hung up and we’ll all talk later.
I finished the library book I had to renew and now I’m on the other one.
I’m gonna go work on a letter to Kim.
I asked Andy if I could tell Tom his ghost story and he said that if I’m gonna tell him mine, I can definitely tell his, too. That’s the idea, but I don’t know if I will for sure or when.
Later…
I answered a question of Kim’s. She asked me where the G spot was located. I always thought that was a woman’s clit. However, the catalog that came with the vibrator showed a diagram showing it to be up inside near the bladder. It said it was hard to locate, but that stimulating it felt noticeably different than clitoral stimulation. This is news to me and now I’m curious to experience this myself. Who knows if I will but they had a G-spot stimulator for sale that looked like a dildo.
I talked with Andy, Karson, and Goofy, but Karson got pissed at us all as she always does, even though she loves every minute of it.
Andy and his friend Michelle are gonna go get more of Stevie’s garbage and I’m gonna read and watch TV.
Later…
I read and watched a movie. I also typed Kim’s letter and retrieved and sent a message to Alex. Andy was on the phone while I was typing part of Kim’s letter so he gave me some lines.
Tom just got up and is eating the hot dogs I just zapped him. He feels and looks much better today. Yesterday he didn’t throw up again, but he felt yucky.
I’ve been swimming on and off and due to being on nights lately, I’ve been skinny dipping. I’m still tanned, but when my schedule’s more towards days I’ve got to get out a little to keep it up. That won’t be too hard at this time of year as it’s been deathly hot between 108º - 112º. Gotta watch out for sun poisoning.
There haven’t been any more significant experiences with Robin. I sense her presence on and off. There is one physical and one emotional change, though. I’m still quite certain that it’s just because and not related to her in any way. It’s still worth mentioning, though.
If you’re like most people, you’d agree that my hair and eyes are my best features. Well, it’s kind of obvious that she likes my hair. This hair is a bitch to maintain. I normally wash it twice, then use either the detangler or the Infusium 23, then have to spend 20 minutes brushing through the knots. Well, the last two times I only washed it once and didn’t put anything else in my hair. Yet strangely enough, I could brush right through it in only a few strokes. Time will tell if all it is is luck.
Also, since this all began, or shortly after, like maybe July 2nd, I haven’t been upset or unable to deal with the fact of never having a kid. It’s not like I’m unable to deal with it every day, but I feel as if I’ve lived through it and gotten over it, even though I’ll always wonder what it would’ve been like. We’ll see.
I just asked Tom if he felt it was unlikely they’d allow a 16-year-old to stay alone in a cabin at a camp. He said, sure. If a 16-year-old was working in a camp, she’d need a place to stay. He said they wouldn’t necessarily have to put her with adults at all. A 16-year-old trying to rent an apartment or buy a house by herself is a whole different story. I’m still unsure about the possibility of her only being 16 back then. It really seemed like she was in her 20s back then. Hell, she could’ve been in her 30s, but I doubt that.
I haven’t decided yet if I’m gonna try to hunt down that camp today. I still doubt I can find them or get any info. It’s been a long long time, but we’ll see.
Later…
Tom just left for work and I called Maine info. As I suspected and was afraid of, there is no Camp Naomi statewide.
Here’s something that’s cool. I made the comment, “I’m not always gonna have periods” to Tom before he left (meaning when I get fixed). and he said, “You won’t get periods for a while, but you’re entitled to your opinion as I am.”
The cool part of it is that I didn’t feel pissed or sad and think, don’t lie to me or kid either of us! Guess it’s because I’m so used to this shit now.
Anyway, I’ll never know for sure now if this thing with Robin is for real, will I? My instinct says it is, though. I have yet to write a few more things we “talked about” but I’ll get around to it after I’ve had some serious sleep. All I know right now is that I feel a constant warm, wonderful, and content feeling regardless of what I’m doing and if Tom’s present or not. I used to feel love and security from one source - Tom. Now I feel love from two sources.
Later…
Tom asked me if I found out the location of that camp today. I told him they didn’t have anything statewide and he said they didn’t keep records of camp counselors. He did tell me to search the subjects on AOL and Prodigy and see if I can find a map that’d list smaller places outside of Portland. I tried, but couldn’t find anything. An “ask the staff” box came up, so I sent them a question about how I was trying to locate info on this camp even though I couldn’t get any number for it cuz I was trying to locate someone I had known there. I’ll just have to wait and see what they say. I don’t know how long it takes to get a response from them. Dead or alive, all I need is a number and a name to find out whatever happened to her.
That was really nice of Tom to offer to help me.
This weekend I told him I’d tell him about Andy’s and my experiences. Ultimately, I’ll probably never know for sure what really happened to this woman or if she’s really dead. All I can do is sum up which of the 3 possibilities feels stronger - my imagination, thought vibrations, or her spirit. Number 3 is definitely the strongest.
Even if I could just find out if she were dead or alive with no explanations would be enough for me. I’d like to make contact and say thanks if I could know she was alive, and I’d like to know how and when she died, if she’s dead, but if I could only start with knowing if she were dead or alive!
I asked myself if this entity/spirit could be someone other than her or my grandparents. “No way,” immediately comes to mind. If it isn’t her through being alive or dead, then I have one wacky imagination. One clever enough to have a rational person such as I am totally fooled.
I’ve been meaning to try to remember and write down anything else she said to me or that I told or asked her. I’ll do this later. Right now I have other things I want to do.
Later…
In this week’s TV guide, there’s a thing for monthly teddy bear figurines. It’s from the same company that we got our plates from for free. However, they no longer send you plates till they get your payment. This one says they’ll bill you with the first shipment. They know this address, but not Andy’s, so I asked him if I could send it to his place to give to me. Then he’ll get lots of NPN envelopes from these people, as I still do, which he can have. I asked him on his machine and will wait till he calls me.
This experience has heightened my curiosity. I may do some research on subjects like this and see what books the library may have about it.
TUESDAY, JULY 11, 1995
Andy, who’s on the phone now, just got a message from me to give me a call as soon as he can.
I guess for now I’ll go over what stands out in my mind when I communicated with Robin. Actually, it was she who first began communicating with me till I felt my fears and doubt lessen. She basically made it clear to me that she means no harm and doesn’t intend to disrupt my life or relationship with Tom.
There were two significant encounters. The rest of the time I feel her with me on and off. The second time we talked more. Again, it was a telepathy thing. We spoke with our thoughts. There were no voices or anything I could feel in a physical way. Or see. It was all through sensing. It’s not like sensing a certain thing in life is gonna happen. In a way, it’s stronger and surer than when I get one of my stronger feelings that something in life will or will not happen.
As I may or may not have said before, I don’t sense any danger at all. It’s not like I sense or fear that cuz of the strong feelings of love she’s giving off to me that she’s gonna kill me so I can be with her in her way and her world.
Andy says that he’s heard that 1000 years to us is only 1 day to God. Damn! That’s a hell of a long day. Does this mean that Robin feels as if she’s only been dead for a few minutes?
She did hint to me about there being a God. I asked her if what Andy said was true about each of us having guardian angels that work for God. In a way that I can’t quite explain, I got the feeling from her that that is true more or less. God can keep her away from me, for example, like He did the first 10 years she was dead.
I also believe she told me in her own way that she’s now my angel. I was the first one she requested out of several and I guess God OK’d it. If I had a guardian angel before - I have no idea who it could’ve been. Was it anyone I ever knew?
Sometimes I’d sense her sitting by the bed, other times lying next to me. I could sense she didn’t want to smother me with too much closeness so as not to scare me.
In between these two significant encounters, I’ve had quick and slight sensations of her presence by the pool, in the kitchen, back room, and in the living room. Not too often when Tom’s been home and awake. As she said, she doesn’t want to get in our way which is more than appreciated.
I never bluntly asked her if and when I’d ever have some of my dreams and goals granted, but she seemed to imply she would help guide me there if she could and it’s not too far down the road. I don’t see how she can help or what she could do for me or Tom or both of us. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
I told her - don’t come around too often, don’t get too close. She does seem happy enough where she is, so that’s reassuring to know. She did say that anytime I called for her she could almost always come to me unless she was on another mission. Meaning, elsewhere with someone else she knew or whatever.
She said, as long as I always assumed, she could go wherever she wants unless the higher power restricted her for whatever reason, but she can’t be in two places at once.
She was born and raised in Maine, and yes, she could read my journals. She told me not to worry about my journals as she respected my privacy and already knew all there is to know about me from the day I was born till now.
She said we would be together someday cuz I was to die before Tom. Funny, cuz I’ve always felt that. Andy said if I died he hoped I’d will my journals to him. Fine, as long as he promises to return them to Tom if Tom wants them returned.
Then I asked what’ll happen when Tom dies and joins me and she said he and I would be together forever. She said she’d always remain in my life, though. From now till forever after I’m gone.
The things I see and hear are all through sensing. I still can’t make out her face clearly, but she can obviously see mine and anyone else’s as clearly as if one was staring into another’s.
Darkness and light don’t apply or matter in her world, either. At least, they don’t seem to, anyway.
Later…
I just tried to call Andy again. I didn’t leave a message, but he’s still on the phone. Not with Karson, though, cuz I don’t think she’s got call-waiting. I just tried her, but it rang and rang.
Andy still hasn’t heard anything from the pigs or US West, so that’s good.
I think I’ll go type up whatever’s been written so far about Robin so I can have a place where it’s all grouped together. This way if I want to look up something, it’ll be easier.
Later…
Just typed/printed 8 pages of all the stuff I’ve ever written about Robin. There’s one thing I forgot to mention about my case, one thing about Andy’s, and one thing about both our cases. Robin told me she wasn’t as quiet as I thought she was. Yeah, she seems a bit spunky.
Andy said that on the night his ghost raped him, he sensed another unknown source telling him to just relax and that it would be OK. He thinks Greg’s trying to tell him something, but Andy’s like - go away and find someone else who will deal with you and can help you.
After his VCR was repaired for the second time, they demonstrated to him that it was fixed before he took it home. Lately, though, he’s been having trouble with it again, as well as other electrical things around his place. Our TV has been acting weird too, but Tom’s certain he can fix it. I hope so.
Cuz my math is so bad, I just asked Tom how old Linda will be on the 15th since she was born in 1949. She’ll be 46. She’s getting up there.
Later…
I just began 91, the last book of my story.
I got a reply from the staff this morning saying I didn’t specify what organization ran the camp, therefore he couldn’t point me in the right direction.
I called and asked my mother, saying I was writing a book. Of course, she wouldn’t give me any info.
The best thing Tom did to instill patience in me that I now know isn’t for having a kid, is that he hasn’t mentioned reading my story. Of all the things he says he wants to do but doesn’t really want to, this is fine with me cuz I’d really rather keep it to myself. If he surprises me by bringing it up, I’ll let him, cuz I already told him he could read it.
Speaking of surprises, Alex mentioned that he and Kim had sex twice. Really?! I thought they were always just friends. The thing about it is, though, that Alex doesn’t seem Kim’s type and Alex doesn’t seem the type to lie about it.
The only people I’d keep all my promises to are Tom, Andy and Kim. Alex asked me not to tell Kim, but I’ve just got to settle my curiosity and ask her if it’s true. If I ask her not to tell Alex I brought it up, I’m sure she won’t.
My period, which began yesterday, hit me full blast today. This is good cuz last month was rather half-assed. This way it gets it out of my system and I have less build-up of boob soreness too early next month.
For the last 24 hours or so, I’ve felt pretty much no contact from Robin. I suppose I’ll feel her on and off, if never again. I guess I’ll never know for sure what this has been all about. I just wish I knew if she were really dead. I guess the next step would be to try and find out who ran that camp and post messages on AOL and Prodigy and whatever else and ask if anyone’s ever heard of it. I would really rather not go and send Robert Stack a letter at Unsolved Mysteries. They do, however, have cases of people looking for lost loves and friends.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 12, 1995
It’s gorgeous out now, but humid. I saw lightning off in the distance, but we only got a few minutes of wind and a few drops of rain. It’s been unusually calm around here.
I received and sent Alex a message, typed books 90 and 92 a bit, read two chapters in my book, and listened to music. I also talked on the phone with Andy and his friends Michelle and Kim.
Oh! I can’t believe I forgot to mention something so funny. That wacko fan of Stevie’s named Sally sent her a package. Stevie never even opened it. It was a tape of her singing and playing the guitar. Bits and pieces of her guitar playing were OK, but I have never heard anything so bad in all my life. I was never even that bad. Andy could kick her ass in a singing contest. Anyway, he’s gonna give me the tape and I may make edits out of it and send it to her.
Anyway, Andy still tells anybody who’ll listen to his problems with whomever he happens to be having problems with at the moment. Right now he is fighting with Velma and Pam. He says he and Bug are getting along fine. He said she began a letter to me before the thing with the phone and pig went down, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. He says she’s been sick, so we’ll see.
Although I kept busy and productive through the night, I was also bored. There were other things I could’ve been doing, but I just didn’t feel like it. In fact, I’m almost tempted right now with my boredom and tiredness, to try to lure Robin to me. Maybe I’ll learn more from her, but I don’t know if this is such a wise idea.
I told Tom to let me know when he wants to discuss my case with Robin this weekend. He agreed he’d let me know, but once again, I’m glad I can count on him not to bring it up without me bringing it up first, cuz I really don’t feel like going through it. He was too sick last weekend, but I hope this weekend he’ll be able to mount my cabinet of beads on the wall. That’d make it much easier for me.
For a week now, maybe a little more, I’ve woken up too early except for once. I hope I don’t do that today. I’m sort of beat.
He’ll probably be getting up anytime now but doesn’t need to be at work till 10 AM.
Still haven’t gone through the convo tapes or finished my medley, so I gotta get with it soon. I don’t gotta, but I want to.
Tonight (now last night) was disgustingly humid. This, along with the EC really made it feel like MA, so I switched to the AC.
Later…
Tom’s up now and going over the bills and finances.
I just talked to Lisa and Tammy. They say Becky broke 2 of the 3 necklaces I sent, Lisa lost my address yet again, and Tammy says something’s still wrong with her computer/modem and it’s not hooked up. Why does she waste money paying for Prodigy when they never use it? They’ve used it only a few times since they’ve had it and I know they’ve had it since I’ve been with Tom. That alone has been since April of ‘93.
THURSDAY, JULY 13, 1995
I slept solidly from about 11 AM - 7 PM. I felt fine when I got up, but then I fell back asleep from 7:30 or so till nearly 9 PM. I needed it. I didn’t feel beat or horrible when I finally fell asleep after having been up for 19 hours, but I may have if I didn’t catch up. Can’t do that with a kid around, so it was one of those times when I was grateful we don’t have one.
She was there as I was falling asleep this morning. I could sense her comforting me as she reassured me I’d sleep just fine.
Got my third puzzle book yesterday. I still have about 19 more puzzles left in my second book and 3 backup puzzle books.
Tomorrow night there’s gonna be a combination of gymnastics and dance on TV. That oughta be really cool.
Last night I spoke with Andy and Kim. There’s something about Kim’s voice that bugs me a little cuz it reminds me of Brenda. Brenda had a meek little wimpy voice, but Kim’s not quiet.
As we were talking, Michelle came over to Andy’s so he jumped in the shower. They were going over to Stevie’s. Not to get garbage, but to see if they could hear her singing, as they have before. She’s up all through the night too, and doesn’t go to bed till the sun comes up.
After Michelle got on the phone while he showered, I pretended to hang up. Their conversation was boring, though. Kim, an 18-year-old naïve girl, did the bulk of the talking about how she’s guilty of cheating on Mike, even though they’re not really going out.
My friend Kim left a message today. She began to say it was about something in my letter. Probably about the one I wrote in disguised handwriting for her to send Bob.
She and Doug are going to New Hampshire for a few days, but she says she’ll try to contact me again soon.
Tom says I look sickly thin. How can I look sickly thin at 98 pounds at my height? I feel a little thin, but my lower gut, hips and thighs are still well-cushioned.
Anyway, I took a shower, shaved and brushed my hair which was no problem.
Earlier we had our first real rain since I think early April.
Our TV is still snowy. Tom’s been working on it but doesn’t know how easy it’ll be to fix. I believe he said there was a short in the cable.
Later…
Now I only have 5 more puzzles to do in the last magazine. Did more typing of 92, too. Tom will be getting up soon and I’m just gonna go veg out for now.
FRIDAY, JULY 14, 1995
Tom just got up for the night, since he went to bed early at 5:45. He’s got me worried and a bit teed off at the moment about his continuing ear problem. He said over a week ago he’d make a doctor’s appointment and he hasn’t. He’s been a bit moody and he even admitted it. He said he felt I wasn’t getting enough attention and was gonna make it up to me. I feel fine, though, and he went down on me this morning.
Later…
I told him how I felt and that I feel pushed away. Also, I’m going to see the GYN I don’t want or need to see cuz I promised him so he’d feel better, so why won’t he go get checked out for me? He says his ear will get better and it’s not worth losing his job over since he’s on probation for two more months and that he won’t get worse. I sure hope not. He insists I take care of him just fine, am a great wife, and take care of the house just fine, but I still wish I could do more for him.
Later…
Tom’s taking a shower now. At 8:30, someone will be coming to recharge the AC and give us estimates as to how much different options would cost.
Tom said he’d try to find a way to find out about Camp Naomi. Great. Yeah, right. Knowing him, I’ll have to wait two years. I wish I knew where to look myself.
Later…
I’m so bored right now and don’t really feel like doing much of anything.
Tom’s waiting for the AC people to get here. They had said between 8:30 - 10:00.
Andy went to collect more of Stevie’s garbage. She’s taking several different medications, but he didn’t mention anything else too important.
Later…
Andy still hasn’t heard anything about having to go to court. I always said he was the lucky one. If it were me, I’d have been subpoenaed by now.
Does this mean anything? I was watching the end of a good movie when it began flickering. I said, “Please Robin. If you can hear me, I’d really like to watch this.”
Then it stopped flickering. So, every time it would do that, I’d close my eyes and say that and it stopped.
I’m getting (or have been having, I should say) this burning desire to either meet her if she’s alive or to be closer to her spirit. It’ll wear off, though, soon enough, but I wonder if I really will always feel her presence?
I’m trying to stay up as late as I can, so we can go out shopping tomorrow. All women love to shop, including me, but I don’t know. I kind of feel guilty about it cuz the work I’m gonna need done on my teeth is gonna cost a fortune.
The AC people never came today, so he’ll have to call a different company.
He said he was gonna call this week about a business license and so far he hasn’t. I really don’t think he’s serious about the business any more than I think he is about a kid. I just wish he’d put his actions where his mouth is! I get so sick of him never doing or doing stuff he says he’ll do 10 years later than when he said he would. It makes me wonder if I can really count on him as far as the singing goes. At least he can keep the roof over our heads and food in here.
My color started to fade, so I was out earlier. We got some birdseed a week ago and I saw a few birds munching out.
I saw a 2-hour special on dance/gymnastics. It was great. Nadia Comaneci is 33 and her fiancée is 38, but they both look like they’re in their 20s. When I saw her, I remembered something else about Camp Naomi. I saw another snotty little camper with a magazine with Nadia’s picture on the cover. I guess I had wanted to read it. All I remember, though, was her telling me that the whole magazine wasn’t about Nadia Comaneci.
Oh, Robin! Are you really truly here? Or are you alive and well? I just want to know!
SATURDAY, JULY 15, 1995
Andy’s gonna be calling back in a few, but oh my God! I’ve got the most amazing news about both our ghost cases! I’ll get into it later.
Later…
OK, here’s what’s currently going on with me and Andy. Yesterday I was trying to stay up so I could sleep later. I was very restless and didn’t feel like doing anything I usually do. I sat on the couch thinking as I stared into space. I wondered if the operator was full of shit when they said they could check statewide for something. So I called and asked for Camp Meadowlark, the second camp I briefly attended when I was about 14. I was transferred to the supervisor who said that only supervisors could look statewide cuz they had different equipment. She didn’t have a Camp Meadowlark listed anywhere in Maine. I then told her I was trying to locate a camp from 20 years ago and asked who she suggested I call to find out info about it. She gave me the number to the Maine state archives. There, I tried about 3 extensions but kept getting machines. Finally, I said, if I get one more machine I’d scream. I knew I’d have to call a handful of numbers and deal with being transferred. So, finally, a real human being answered one of the extensions and I explained myself to her. She gave me the number of the people that inspect camps and stuff like that.
So I called and a woman transferred me to a guy who was finally able to tell me that it was in Raymond, Maine. He said that since 1988 two women have owned it. He gave me their names and the new last name of one of them cuz she got married. It’s been called Camp Nashoba North since ‘88 and when I called there they couldn’t give me any info.
The guy at inspections told me that when it was Camp Naomi it was operated by the Jewish community center! Just like the Y-Day Camp in Springfield that my mother also briefly threw me in. That’s been gone for about 10 years, but Andy went to it and remembered that it was operated by the JCC, too.
This Janet S and Sarah F, who now own Camp Nashoba North, live in Littleton, MA. He gave me their address which I’ll probably never need.
This was a JCC in Newton, MA I had to call. Why the one in Newton and not Springfield, beats me. Being from MA I knew that Newton was outside of Boston and was in the 617-area code. So info gave me a number, but it wasn’t quite theirs. I spoke to an old lady who knew the camp I was talking about, then she transferred me to someone who couldn’t do anything but give me their number. So I called there and spoke to a Barbara M. I told her I was interested in a roster of the counselors’ names from the summer of ‘74 or ‘75, but more than likely the summer of ‘74. I told her I didn’t have a name but described a little about her. She took my number saying she’d talk to someone and asked if it was some kind of reunion. I couldn’t very well say, “Yeah, well I think this woman’s dead and that her ghost is haunting me, so I just wanted to confirm that she really is dead.”
So I told her that I was troubled back then and would just like to say thanks for how she helped me, even though it wasn’t for long. She said that was very impressive. She was truly touched, so I hope that’ll help her to push for information. If I don’t hear from her by Wednesday tops, I’ll call her.
Later…
About Andy’s story - well, he hasn’t been as curious as I’ve been to find out what’s going on in his case. He didn’t want to deal with it and still doesn’t, but is going to try.
A couple of nights ago for the first time in ages, he went to a gay bar right near his complex. When he saw this guy he knew right away that there was some connection. A good feeling came over him, but he wasn’t sure what it was all about and said that sex was only a tiny part of it. So he began to talk to a guy named Jeffrey when the discussion of his birthday being on the 13th came up. Andy said he looked right into the guy’s eyes and that Jeffrey’s eyes told him he was 44. Jeffrey was quite astounded. He gave Andy his number and the last 4 digits are the same as his.
So that night Andy told me about it and knew that there was some kind of connection and that for some reason they were fated to meet.
With me listening silently on the line he called him a few hours ago. While Jeffrey seemed to have a nice speaking voice, he sounded a bit spacey, nervous and confused. Andy noticed too and asked what was wrong. He wouldn’t go into details but said something about “weird” stuff going on. Andy said it wasn’t weird to him after what he was going through. Little by little Andy told him about his ghost (except the rape) and that a few names were going through his head that was given to him. Greg A and a last name beginning with an L.
So, it turns out that Jeffrey may know someone who died about a year ago with that name that was gay.
Then Andy said, “Oh, my God! I just remembered that Jeffrey was one of the names that might have been given to me, too.” I, as his witness, can say that yes, he did tell me that.
So he told Jeffrey that it’s been going on since he moved there last June 1st and was reluctant to tell anyone till he recently told two people, him being the third. He says he now thinks that that’s why he and Jeffrey were fated to meet. To help solve this mystery. He thinks that Greg’s trying to tell him to find his murderer. Jeffrey said that he believes this guy may have died violently, but that it was made to look like a suicide. He also said that there may have been some cult connection. He said he didn’t know Greg well, but that Greg wasn’t black. So maybe he had a black lover and they’re both dead.
Jeffrey then began saying how he lived with his grandmother in a condo in Yuma where strange shit that they both saw and heard happened. Jeff said something about how he thought he may have been put to sleep artificially and he remembers someone standing over his bed saying, “He’s not asleep yet.” People on the roof, and he’s also had that telepathy experience that Andy and I have had too.
Then Jeff and his grandmother moved back to Phoenix and he says he thinks that whatever it is followed him.
Jeff was really freaked with shock over the whole thing. Andy guessing his age, the same last 4 digits in their phone numbers, the Greg case, etc. Jeff says he’s gonna think about it and see if he can find anything out.
Andy and I both know that yes, he could be crazy, hallucinating on drugs, or making it up, but to us, he sounded really genuine. His fear and nervousness over both his situation and Andy’s sounded too real and he agreed that it was either way too coincidental, or a damn good setup if this isn’t for real. He’s apprehensive about meeting Andy for fear that he’s involved in anything which Andy can understand.
Andy said he got the impression that he may know more about these people and this cult than he’d say and seemed terrified of it.
MONDAY, JULY 17, 1995
God have I been busy! We both have, but before I get into that, let me mention a few things quickly.
Andy said that due to the camp being operated by the JCC at the time 99% of the campers and counselors were probably Jewish. Does Martin sound Jewish? Andy said he once knew a Jewish person at the JCC with that last name. Tom says that up till 40 or 50 years ago people that were Jewish and immigrated from other countries often changed their names in order to not have to deal with prejudice. Grant, my mother’s maiden name doesn’t sound Jewish. Maybe that name was changed.
Andy says she ended up working at the camp probably either by answering an ad or maybe she was affiliated with the JCC herself.
I told Andy that I felt my case wasn’t going any further, but that his was. Then he said, “Oh, no, you’re not finished yet. You’ve got a few more calls to make.”
I don’t sense any calls today. Or ever really, but I’m gonna wait till next Monday the 23rd before I call that Barbara M back at the JCC.
Saturday morning, before our very busy weekend began, which is why I haven’t finished this book yet, I told Tom about both our cases. No, he didn’t think either of us was crazy and he had no problem listening very well to me. He’s undecided as to whether or not he thinks it’s thought vibrations or she’s dead.
He did question if she could’ve molested me. I’m 100% sure she didn’t or else I’d really want to see if she could be alive so I could kill her. All I remember is her listening to me talk her to sleep and playing with me and her dog in the woods. Also, I know rapists/molesters come from all walks of life, but I still believe that’s way way more of a male thing.
Now about our very busy weekend - Tom set aside $100 for each of us to spend. I didn’t get any more silk flowers or wire mesh and I don’t know if we’re still getting that bed or an entertainment center.
Here’s what he wants to get: That music composition program, the new upgraded version of Windows, and an electronic chip you use through the computer to finally make the bee and cigarette machine.
He’s off to swearing again that in the next two weeks we’re gonna get the business started. I still have to see this to believe it! He even told me that I can help make sure he works on the business from 8 AM - 10 AM on Thursdays and Fridays and from 6 AM-noon on Saturdays. We’ll see.
We sure have gotten lots of other stuff done. Yesterday we stopped over at Mom and Dad’s, then went and bought an AC and a vacuum. This AC is like the one they commonly use in MA like I had. He drilled a hole in the back wall in the back room and that’s where it is now. Talk about a major clean-up job after! It looked like we dumped Piggy’s cage all over that area. Anyway, this should cut our cooling costs in half.
The new upright vacuum’s great. It’s powerful and has a hose. It makes things easier not to have to use two vacuums. Before I had to use an upright on the carpets and a canister on the floors.
I did laundry yesterday and Tom did the food shopping. At the grocery store, he found the best needles yet for beading/sewing. They come in a round case you dial. Then only the needle you want falls out. These are also self-threading needles. He got some other needle threaders that I’ve never seen before that look like they won’t fall apart as easily.
Later…
OK, here’s all I got: Another 3-D journal which will be next. Five more bags of beads and a kitten puzzle. Three more doggie mugs which doubled my collection to a total of 6. I added a Maltese, a Sheltie and a Golden Retriever. Four pairs of my favorite silk panties. I didn’t get a bathing suit, but we did look. A pair of white Velcro sneakers which are very comfy, a pair of white sandals, and a pair of black sandals. Two CDs. Linda’s Get Closer and an instrumental one of the following songs of Gloria’s: Dr. Beat, Conga, Bad Boy, Words Get in The Way, Falling in Love, Anything for You, 1-2-3, Rhythm Is Gonna Get You, Here We Are, and Oye Mi Canto.
I think I just might record myself singing to Words Get in the Way, Here We Are, and Anything for You. Tom picked up a music book of country songs for me to sing. I don’t know too many of them, but he says he wants me to learn a few for his mother. That’s cool.
When we were over there yesterday, I showed her a few necklaces and bracelets I made, as well as a bolo tie. She liked it and was finally glad she could give the stuff to someone who could use it.
I talked to Tammy who says Bill knew this couple for 20 years, her for 10, who were transferred by Pratt & Whitney to Florida. Anyway, the guy’s wife was killed in a car accident, so they’re not at all pleased to hear this.
Tammy had her knee scoped for cartilage problems and can’t get around too well right now, but is doing OK.
Dad’s on his way back to Florida. I spoke to Mom and she says that between Thursday and Sunday, Goldie and Al will be staying with them for a week. She said she’d give Dad, Goldie and Al big hugs for me.
I did tell Ma, although, Tom suggested I don’t, that we might see them and go to New England in May of ‘96, but that it wasn’t for sure. I also mentioned putting off a family if we ever do ever have one.
My desire for a kid isn’t gone, but it’s at an all-time low.
Tom got confused during sex yesterday saying we shouldn’t screw if I were having doubts cuz he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t cum. It was out of his control, he said. Yeah, right! I will say this, though, Saturday, I know he was very, very close. Probably closer than ever before, but he pulled himself back before anything could happen (I know he’d deny that).
Later…
I did some more singing. It’s cool to be able to sing to only the music.
It sure is a scorcher out there and kind of humid, too. I took a couple of dips in the pool. I told myself to regain my color slowly, not that I lost it all, anyway. I spent no more than a total of 20 minutes out there and I already see a difference and am darker.
Later…
I just went into the living room for a cigarette when I hit the button on the speakerphone and got a stuttering dial tone and was surprised to get a message at this hour. It was from Andy saying he was pissed off cuz he couldn’t sleep well. He complained again at the guy below him for blaring his music and having people in and out 24 hours a day. He said the guy lowered his base for a while, then went right back to it a few hours later.
To top it off for him, he said they were working on the roof. Yes, I know what he’s going through! Anyway, he says he’s gone back to bed to try to catch a few more hours of sleep.
I’ve been very lucky and gratefully blessed with such peace and quiet. I haven’t heard the kids next door or their dog. If I hear that dog when the weather cools down, though, they’ll hear from me.
Now that I’m about to finish this book, I’m gonna put typing up 92 on hold to type up this one since nearly half of it is already typed.
TUESDAY, JULY 18, 1995
I’m pissed! The TV reception is still fucked up and the printer is, too. The paper kept falling offline when I’d try to print single sheets. It’s fine for continuous paper. Tom sprayed it with air last night, and I thought it’d be OK. It was for a while, but not anymore. I’m so bored right now. I mean, all I feel like doing is printing and I can’t even do that now. I could if I used continuous feed paper to print out the previous journal which is all typed up, but I don’t want to. I want to use my single sheets of colored paper. I reprinted all I’ve written so far on Robin on the track paper and I printed a copy of it for Kim, too.
Later I’ll discuss why I’m sending Kim a copy.
Later…
Yes! Yes! I’m soooooooo psyched! Coincidence? Just luck? I don’t know. Get this, though. I went and turned the computer back on and prayed really hard to Robin. I told her I really really wanted to print that journal out on colored paper. It worked! No problem printing out all 16 pages of it. After I finish this book, I’ll type anything in it to do with Robin and add it to her file.
I still sense no call coming from the JCC, but like I said before, I’ll call on Monday.
I realized I forgot to write in something I misunderstood about something Tom said. He said, “January’s when you decide if you still want one.” I thought he meant if I still wanted a kid. He really meant, though, if I still want a hysterectomy.
I briefed Kim yesterday about Robin, knowing she’d have no problem with it and not think something was wrong with me. Today I sent her all my excerpts on Robin and Andy’s case.
Kim told me she had an experience that was while she was in a dream state. In her dream, her grandfather said he wanted to tell her everything he didn’t get to tell her while he was alive. This dream occurred a few months before anyone knew that her 24-year-old cousin Pam was gonna die. So in the dream, Kim was upset with Pam, who was there, for not paying attention to what her grandfather was saying. Pam said, “But I’m gonna be with him.”
She’s had other dreams with Pam in them after she died. She said she knew they were dreams, but not like regular ones. There was something different about it, she said.
Later…
Andy just called. Not much is up with him. He’s on his way to work. He did say, though, that he and the people in the office are hoping to evict the guys below him for their very loud music.
They’re “hoping” to evict him? Why don’t they just do it?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 19, 1995
Excuses, excuses. I don’t feel sexually deprived, but just the other day he said he’d like sex to be more frequent. He got up at 6:00 today and doesn’t have to be at work till 10:00, but besides the usual TV, computer, and eating, he claims he’s got to go to the bank about the business that’s still all one big joke as far as I’m concerned.
He said it’d be nice if we had sex twice a day. That seems like too much for me and it’d take its specialness and excitement out of it if we did it that often.
I spoke to Andy yesterday who wants a copy of our cases that I also sent Kim. I printed him a copy with no problems so he should get it tomorrow. Tom said he’s had intermittent problems with the computer where it fouls up every now and then. Oh, then I guess being able to print Journal 93 and Andy’s stuff wasn’t Robin-related. Just luck was what it was.
Later…
Tom just got home, but went back out to pick up a KFC dinner for me and something for him at another place.
My luck’s still been running well with the printer. I printed that stuff for Andy and 22 pages of journal 92 which will probably total double that amount.
Later…
I just ate and Andy just left a message saying his phone’s been disconnected cuz he owes tons of money. Bummer. He said we could keep in touch by mail and that I could also call him at work. Hopefully, he’ll write me and let me know what he thinks about the stuff I’ll be sending him.
Yesterday or the day before, he said he hadn’t heard from Jeffrey. I asked if he was gonna call him, but he said he’d wait till Jeffrey called him when he was ready. Fair enough, cuz after all, Andy did make the first call. The next move should be on Jeffrey.
I absolutely couldn’t believe it, but Tom did do the paperwork for a business license and trade name and got it notarized.
I told him, “God! You really are serious. I really thought you were pulling my leg. You really are serious about the business and the singing.”
“And making the kid,” he said.
This one I don’t believe, but we’ll see. I mean, I did everything I could to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after nearly two years of this bullshit, how can I believe?
I recorded myself singing to the music of two Gloria songs. They’re not my main style, but he said they were OK.
THURSDAY, JULY 20, 1995
This morning Tom did some work on the business computer. I still can’t believe we’re really finally in business! Our company’s name is Mystery Computer Enterprises.
On the form to fill out for the license and to pay the fee, he checked “person.”
I asked, “Isn’t that supposed to be “partnership?”
Then he reminded me of how the state of Arizona considers a married couple as one. He said whatever I’m doing, he’s doing and vice versa. Then I said, “So if I’m having my period, you are, too?”
He said, according to the state of Arizona, he is.
I chatted with my dad today (Ma was in the room) and they were happy about the business. I told them that Tom could explain it all much better than I could, but I briefed them in on it. Dad asked me several questions about it and said he heard more people are buying computers than TVs.
They had just gotten my letter and Ma was teasing me about when I told her I dreamt she sent me a letter. She said she had a dream that she stood here 5 nights and taught me to cook something each night. I don’t know if she was joking or if she really did dream this.
Goldie and Al will be there tonight.
I talked with Tammy too, who was happy about the business.
Minnie called today saying she’s no longer in contact with Bob. She said her mother called DSS when she took her son to see Bob and they threatened to take the kid away if she didn’t cut off all contact. I’m surprised at this cuz I know guys have been in jail for rape/molestation and are allowed to see their kids. Even get custody after being convicted. So, Minnie says the opposite of what she last said. She said she’s not sorry for being a mom, recommends it to others, and wants to have another kid with her boyfriend who’s currently in jail for drug dealing. That’ll be no problem for God, who will see fit to it that it happens.
I can’t believe, though, how much easier it’s been for me to deal with never having a kid. It sure makes life easier.
Anyway, I’ll be sending Minnie a letter. And Andy too, with some funny notes he can stick on people’s windshields.
Later…
This morning Tom showed me how to set up to number the pages of my current journal, but when I went to print a page it wouldn’t number it. I think what I’m gonna do as far as my story goes is just type it through to the end, then write it in. If it overlaps into part of another journal I’ll just write it in, then use the rest of it as a regular personal journal.
I’ll have to have Tom hold my hair up while I weigh myself. I want to see if it weighs anything.
I had another encounter with Robin last night.
Earlier that day I had asked Tom if he believed in hypnosis. He said it’s possible. I don’t know if I believe in it. Especially those who claim to have been regressed to past lives. I asked him if he’d be willing to try to see if he could regress me back to that camp. He said sure. However, who knows when he’ll get around to it, along with checking out why the printer won’t print page numbers.
Last night as I lay in bed before falling asleep, I tried to regress myself with the hopes of getting a name and seeing her face clearly. I had no such luck, though. I only could remember stupid useless information. I had two unsure memories and one definite memory.
When I went to Camp Meadowlark, I went by bus. Mom and Dad took me to Camp Naomi, though. I thought I remembered driving through a dirt road with them that led to the camp. I also thought I remembered a dark brown wooden L-shaped cabin that stood alone in a small clearing in very dense woods. If this memory is real and camp-related, was it a place you check-in upon arriving there? I also don’t remember seeing anyone else around. The sure memory is the layout of the cabin I stayed in. Camp Meadowlark didn’t have showers or toilets in their cabins. You had to go to a separate cabin for that which totally sucked. Camp Naomi did have showers and toilets in each cabin, though. There was maybe 1 toilet and 2 or 3 shower stalls.
Later…
At one point last night in bed, I began to feel very nauseous. I said, “Robin, if you can hear me, please make this feeling go away. I’m in absolutely no mood to be sick right now.”
The feeling went away instantly.
In my mind, I cried out to her to please let me see her face some more. Please get more info to me. I sensed her telling me I could do it. Little by little I could find out a sufficient amount of info. What she means by sufficient, I don’t know. She urged me to keep going by trying to remember, while she reminded me how I like a challenge and to play detective.
Tom said the best thing for us to do is to start by assuming she is dead and go from there. He also mentioned a computer CD you can get with all listed phone numbers on it throughout the country. And that he has a book somewhere on hypnosis.
FRIDAY, JULY 21, 1995
Went to see Dr. Rugg this morning which went quickly and easily. My cervix was still bleeding, though, so she said I may have to take an antibiotic and or possibly go back. I sure hope not! Anyway, she said whatever it is, is no big deal and I can remain sexually active.
I asked her about the ridges in my nails and she agreed it’s cuz of my asthma and meds. She recommended Tums as a calcium supplement 3 times a day and also something she had on called Megahard. It’s a $5 bottle of a cloudy liquid you polish on your nails that makes them stronger and clears up the ridges.
MONDAY, JULY 24, 1995
I have 20 more Christmas teddy bear labels which I’ll use as date separators. I don’t really want to use them on letters to my family, or even Kim with all the many nice labels I have. I took 1 of each of my 20 other labels and put 12 of them on the front outside cover of 95 and 8 on the front outside cover of 91. Then I covered it with clear contact paper as a protector.
Tom picked up that Megahard nail treatment which has made my nails look better.
I called Andy at work tonight. He is very, very depressed right now. He knows it’s his own fault that he owes the phone company $433, but misses his phone. He’s homesick, wishing he could be at the beach. He’s pissed he’s a drug addict. He’s making shitty money. He’s pissed and hurt that his family doesn’t contact him in any way with the exception of his sisters.
We still haven’t upped the frequency of sex as we said we would, but we had a good amount this weekend. I still feel he isn’t so into it and that sex is for me only. However, due to it getting easier to accept the fact that God and Tom won’t allow us to have a child, I can take advantage of enjoying the kind of sex I’ve always wanted where it’s one-sided. I always liked the idea of having someone who takes care of me well, but who’s easy. I used to hate doing Brenda and Kacey with my hand, and it’d take them forever to cum.
I have mixed emotions about his not buying that bed and I believe there’s still money for it. I may hate sharing a bed, but we both say we want to be more “normally” married. I guess he just wasn’t as serious about it as I had thought. After all this time, though, I guess we’re pretty set in our ways.
I still say he’s trying to instill patience in me, but for what? What the fuck for?
I finished my story! There are gonna be around 100 free pages in 91, though, so I’ll do something with them. What, I don’t know yet.
Later…
I absolutely do not believe it! I called Barbara at the JCC earlier, expecting her either not to be there or to brush me off as if she never heard of me. Instead, she was delighted to hear from me and said she talked to a Charlie G who was at that camp 20 years ago. She said she told him she had an unusual request, but then said something about how they handle unusual requests from the soul. She says she’s been pushing it due to how touched she felt by my request. She said she’s gonna wait till she hears from Charlie and she’s sending me her card. She said to call her back if I don’t hear from her within a week. I told her that if Charlie needed me to describe this girl, he could call me. Wow. I still don’t think I’ll ever find out who she was, but this is surely getting pretty interesting.
Andy says he hasn’t had any major encounters with Greg. He just hears sounds every now and then. He said he thinks he stumbled across what’s really wrong with his VCR, I wouldn’t get it though, it’s under warranty, and probably has nothing to do with Greg. He also says he wants to get back in touch with Jeffrey.
Later…
I was online with Tom who printed out a few pages for me on hypnosis, and ESP, but it told me nothing new. It seems I’ve had experiences with all 3 forms of “psychism.” Telepathy, clairvoyance, and precognition. Clairvoyance is where you describe and know present or past stuff. Precognition is when I say I know I’ll never have a kid. Precognition, I’d say, is what I’ve experienced the most. The stronger the feeling, the more likely I am to be right about it. I’ve only been wrong a couple of times on stuff I felt strongly about (this doesn’t include stuff I never thought of or considered). I was wrong in saying I’d never make it out here to AZ. I was also wrong when I said I could never get someone like Tom. That type of person, I mean, regardless of gender.
No wonder I’ve been having good feelings about Bill. He answered when I called and Tammy was out at the hairdresser. He said he feels great, but every time he feels great, something goes wrong. He says he’s going to UCON Thursday to get more answers.
Then he was joking about Tammy being out with some guy and how he hopes she’ll take the kids if she leaves him. So, I busted him back saying I had 5 women over and we were all having an orgy, etc.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 26, 1995
I sure do have a lot of catching up to do. Today I got Barbara M’s business card. So, she’s not just all talk which is nice to know.
Due to not writing for a few days, my mind’s overloaded and I need to go sort through my thoughts and make some notes first. To the best of my memory, here’s a quick rundown on all that’s gone on. Tom got that Melody Maestro CD. This is the one where you can hum a melody into the mike and it prints/plays what you hummed. It also lets you choose the rhythm, tempo, style, instruments, and much more. Making music should never be easier! I haven’t worked with it yet, but I will soon.
It was really hot today at 115º and it will be 115º tomorrow, too. Adding the wall AC to the back room and the blinds outside the front window have made this the coolest summer since I’ve been here. David must’ve roasted every summer!
Steven and Carol will be coming in again from California, so we’ll be seeing them over at Mom and Dad’s.
Later…
I’m not due for my period till the 7th of August, so I don’t know why I’m spotting now.
I don’t know if I have yet mentioned that Tom got me a bag of many different kinds of beads. I decorated our camera case and made a long strand that I put in the kitchen doorway that leads to the garage. I made another necklace, as well as a cute thing to hang outside. The other bag he got was of clear multicolored beads that I strung onto a silver chain. I’m gonna be making Andy a necklace, too.
He told me he’s been checking out dumpsters. He found two nice wooden tables and is gonna have me check out 4 shirts after he washes them.
His reception’s doing OK now on his TV. He thinks he’ll get his phone back in October. Meanwhile, his VM is still active, so I can leave him a home memo if I’ve got something to tell him.
I also let him know that I remember what it’s like to be broke, so we’ve got extra cassettes, Tom sure doesn’t mind, so I’m dubbing the convos for him. For two reasons. One’s cuz I’d really like to have a backup and two’s cuz I think he could really use some good laughs right now.
THURSDAY, JULY 27, 1995
This was definitely not a good day for me back in 1981. I went into the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont on this day till December 18th or 19th. Or maybe even the 16th or 17th. Somewhere in the teens. I can’t remember the day I went into Valleyhead. All I know is that it was August of ‘82. I definitely left in August of ‘84. It may have been August 24th. July 23rd means something to me, too. Was that the day my first guinea pig Penny died that I’d had for two years? Or was it the day I flew back from where my sister was living in Texas?
One of these days I’ll have to write up all the major events I can remember and try to put their correct ages and year to them as a reference.
With the exception of going to appointments and doing errands, I wish it were 105º - 115º every day of the year.
I love being able to use the pool, have a little color, and it’s quiet. I haven’t known that next door exists. Sure, I hear his van come and go, but he comes and goes and doesn’t sit there with it running for 45 minutes. I almost never hear their dog. I asked Tom if he’s heard their other dog and he said no, so I guess they were only dog-sitting. I hope so. I no longer have to worry about kids or music (I hope), but I hope this coming winter will be the quietest one here with no van or dogs.
Today we went swimming and I helped vacuum the pool. I also sorted some tools for him.
Never again will I ever even try going to chat live with Alex. There’s always a problem. We tried to send each other instant messages which wouldn’t work, so finally I sent an email message saying how something was wrong somewhere - sorry - but fuck this shit.
When I told Tom I finished my story, he shocked me by saying he wants to read it. I reminded him that it’s nearly 6 journals and that he may not have time. He said he’d make the time. He said he didn’t want to read it till it was finished, cuz it’d be hard to read something that he didn’t know where it’d lead to. Make sense to me.
Later I’ll write about the hypnosis book Tom had, but now I want to dub more convos.
Later…
Today it felt like all the other summers I was here inside the house. It was nearly 85º in here and it was 116º outside. The sucky thing is that they say it’ll be very humid this weekend and the temp will only drop to about 112º. Tammy said that it was 96º with 90% humidity where she is today. It was only 11% humid today here, so that’s a huge difference.
I finished dubbing the backup convos for Andy. He’ll be getting 3 tapes.
I haven’t wanted to write about this yet, as I’m still not very good at writing up on terrible things. Last Tuesday night was horrible. I haven’t blown up or felt that angry, pissed, confused, or depressed in a long time. I felt contradicted by Tom and like he understood a lot about me, but also didn’t get a lot of things I said. We both said a lot of mean stuff to each other, although he always says we shouldn’t blame each other for whatever.
At one point during my rage, I smashed a porcelain doll. He claimed to be all upset about it saying I gave it to him to decorate the bookshelves with. When I said I didn’t feel it’d be any loss to him, he wouldn’t believe me, but I feel that he said that cuz I say I don’t believe a few things he’s said.
I was hoping he’d be man enough to finally come out and tell me, one, he’s just not into me sexually, and two, he doesn’t want a kid. Instead, though, he’s still lying about it and insisting he wants one. The guy’s never gonna stop bullshitting me. I mean, really! The guy’s so against having a kid that he’s willing to sacrifice a normal sex life for the rest of his life. He’s too damn stubborn to cum.
No, I don’t hate sex with him. Yes, I mostly like it one-sided where he takes care of me, but every now and then, regardless of the kid issue, I just wish he’d be into it too. I wish he’d at least cum every now and then and show me how much he likes me in bed. I know he does to a degree, otherwise he wouldn’t get hard like he does every time.
He’s a great “platonic lover” so to speak, but sexually? I just don’t know anymore. Is it really worth it when I can just take care of myself? I always did say that sex does complicate things.
Also, due to my saying I hated him at one point during my rage, he said he couldn’t have sex for a while with me cuz he couldn’t have sex with someone that hated him. Well, he knows I didn’t mean it, I knew he didn’t mean some things he said to me, so it’s all just a punishment as far as I’m concerned. Fine. Cuz I don’t think I could have sex with him for a long long time either. I’m sick of having sex with someone who’s only slightly turned on by me and who lies to me by saying they want a kid when I know they really don’t. I think we’re both better off taking care of our own selves sexually, never sleeping together and never having a kid. I’ll always miss not having a kid, but that kid will just destroy this marriage. This marriage may be way better than most, but when we’re fighting, we don’t need a third party around, or extra pressure put on this relationship.
The next morning, he kissed me, said he loved me and that we should move forward, so that was good.
Later…
Andy just called from his friend Pam’s house. He’s gonna call back later about coming over.
Yesterday Tom brought up an interesting theory. Maybe God was testing me to see if I really wanted a kid. Of course, I think both God and himself could be testing him. He’s probably stalling on telling me the truth while hoping I’ll eventually come out and say I’ve changed my mind. He’s always told me no one will make me have a kid, but never that no one will make me not have a kid.
I know it’s not in God’s cards for me and that God won’t allow it no matter what, but Tom reminded me to be true to myself. To make sure I analyze my feelings about it which I’ve done. I want one, but have a lot of fears and doubts. I asked him if he does this and he said yes. He also says that even if he has fears and doubts about whatever, he still believes in striving for things he wants cuz everything in life has risks, fears, and doubts. He said one of the risks he took by marrying me was that I could’ve taken his family away from him and cut him off from them which I’d never do. I told him how in the beginning I was afraid he was gonna try cutting me off from those I know. I’m glad we worked through that, though, and can compromise. I know he’d never try doing that and we both agreed and admitted we all can have our jealous moments.
If he were to screw with another woman every now and then, I’d be jealous if he got off with her and not me. If he got off with her and me, that’d be fine.
The bottom line is that he knows I love him and that he’s #1 and vice versa. I only wish he’d stop playing with my head and stop bullshitting me!
God - please let him be able to come out and tell me we can’t have a kid! I just want him to get it out so we can move on. Not that we won’t be moving on with our lives anyway. We have to. We have too many other things to live for. Things we wanna do. Things we gotta do.
FRIDAY, JULY 28, 1995
Andy was over for almost two hours. He brought me a candy bar and some gum. He played the keyboard, then we played Crazy 8’s and talked.
I gave him a necklace I made him, the 3 convo tapes, and some NPN envelopes to mail.
A long time ago Tom got a book on hypnosis cuz he was curious about it. It didn’t tell me too much I didn’t already know, but it seems like self-hypnosis is gonna take time to get the hang of.
SATURDAY, JULY 29, 1995
Got some great news today at Dr. Rausch’s office (now that I know how to spell his name correctly). He told me I could go ahead and quit the Theodur!! Tomorrow I’ll write all about what he said, but right now I’m beat. The last time I slept was only from 4:30 AM - 8:30 AM, but probably not even that much.
SUNDAY, JULY 30, 1995
I got caught up on my sleep but woke up too soon this morning tight and wheezy. Luckily, with Tom wacking my back and some coffee, it got under control fast enough. Then I went back to sleep.
Dr. Rausch is now my primary doctor. I haven’t had any Theodur in almost 48 hours! I feel great. He told me to up the dosages on both of the inhalers to curb the inflammation and the too many white blood cells which they now believe causes adult asthma. Along with irritants like cigarettes, too. I probably won’t have to see Dr. Rausch again for 4-5 months.
Earlier I asked Tom point-blank if he was not having sex with me to punish me. After being with him for this long, and if our relationship were to be platonic from here on out, I could get by for the bulk of the time. I love him too much to leave him and I guess this is why the one-sided sex we’ve always had bothers me so much. I love him so much that I want to get him off, not just make him hard. His being so against a kid makes me feel not good enough for him sexually. I know that the bottom line, though, is that if he’s so dead set against cumming, then I can’t change that no matter how I am in bed.
Anyway, I’d have preferred to have had our own kid, but here’s a note I left him anyway.
Dear Tom,
I just wanted to write all these thoughts/questions down for you while they were fresh in my head. Well, as you know, in my honest opinion and belief I’ve never seen any reason to believe that I can ever get pregnant. Therefore, I figured I could do 1 of 2 things.
- Never have one of our own.
- 48Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqo6X2A1vZ
- Adopt a teenager who’s going through the same BS with the system I went through.
- My big questions are - would they let someone with a record adopt? Would they let us adopt with an income of under 40 grand a year? Would they let us adopt with only one income and with the fact that I’m not working out of the house? Well, if you’re interested in discussing this and like this idea, I think we should check into it as soon as there’s time cuz I’ve heard that it takes years to adopt. Especially older kids and I believe thoroughly, strongly, and truly that this will be our only chance to have a kid. It hurts and I didn’t want it to go this way, but if I can save some other poor girl from the hell I went through, I’m willing to do whatever I can. I feel I owe you, my family, and God this much.
Later…
My guess is that Tom will be totally psyched about the idea. If he’ll do anything about it is another. I was always against the idea of adopting, but feelings do change and when you want a kid, you want a kid. Why it takes so long to adopt, beats me. Are there really that many other victims of sterility out there?
To try out the new colored pencils I got, I not only decorated envelopes, but I drew a girl in the weirdest and strangest way ever. Not only does her hair have many colors but she’s got different colored eyes, eyebrows, eyelashes, etc. It actually looks kind of cool, though.
We went out to Denny’s today and to Office Max. He got some disks, mailers, and labels for the business. I got two blue pens and was bummed cuz they were out of their boxes of multicolored ones. Precise, the brand I use, makes blue, black, red, green and purple. They have 4-packs of blue, black, red and green, but were out. I also got clear plastic folders (100 of them) to put my drawings in to protect them. We got a paper cutter. Two super balls to play with in the pool as the one I had got lost.
He also picked up brackets to make another table for the back room. That way we can de-clutter the desks and the floor. I’ve been helping him sort tools, resistors, etc.
I picked up cards for Tammy’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary. Believe it or not, I kind of felt it unfair of me not to send my nephew Larry a birthday card, so I made him one earlier.
I typed up letters to Kim, Tammy, and my parents and will be doing one for Andy.
Wonder if I’ll get a letter from Minnie on Monday? Or Andy? Or my parents?
Monday I’ll be calling Barbara at the JCC at the number on her card. I hope she’s got news for me. I don’t sense it, although I didn’t sense I’d hear about Charlie the last time we spoke. Anyway, Charlie’s no use to me without info.
It was 121º yesterday! There was only 10% humidity, but that’s hot! For the last 3 days, the temps have been 118º - 121º making this house feel like all the other summers in here. A sauna!
Tom’s gonna have me model a life-size picture to promote the printing program. We’re also gonna superimpose more pictures.
ns216.73.216.141da2
and then Add to home screen.