BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhwsOrrY0YL
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmuldp8pcl
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVMNFZF0v2
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZzd30Hkyl
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tbEpdfAzs
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnBWc08l7X
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLUmWzgsVl
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXe4zhEmvP0
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgDu5zWB1v
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQ6M5PsuiG
I tried to die seven times.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjK4JWSLd3i
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6D0r8XfMR
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKIk9dkgP3
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrMRKqLKEfV
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCfgThwl8a
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhRf7a6zKT
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rHHYciyko
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzSeyNah9W
Still breathing.Still afraid.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoa3nFmoIa
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡge3DYVKW1n
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnERuG227Y
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq05V0o4y6uShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.301Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsONOhxItqV
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