BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HyHKGCOie
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKywz929rK
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFr0lrZxGh
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1LYho64we
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMT1bkhMkhh
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxC0yLWaccA
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6gQQi0zNC
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjf0HnBPlKf
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIoPO9N7Is
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSptTJWUeX
I tried to die seven times.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkORtZYab3J
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7RGxvy915
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBEjrFU7iK
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUQxlKApE6
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqgcrfQ6dln
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPO5ZmSFLj
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxxrIrs6pvY
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvT6XdaT4WX
Still breathing.Still afraid.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNN7q6CkOu
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtf2qz3bDJ4
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0YRXbRZHT
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBdwrYDWObShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.65Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVjjtyFzlR
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