BLOOD AND HUMAN MEAT
Phobia from the perspective of a girl named Khushi.Written by a friend who finally decided to tell her story.
I love animals.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc8r7wgvagi
I really do.But I can’t go near them. Not because I’m scared of them—But because I’m scared of me.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfO8XdXiybG
I’ve always had this... space inside me.An emptiness that hums. It feels cold and loud and quiet all at once.I try to ignore it. But sometimes it whispers.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCVwoyb1Ue
And sometimes, it screams.
I remember the first time it really happened.One second I was laughing with my younger brother—The next, I was slamming his head into the table.Again.And again.And again.Until he stopped moving.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUiMa897fC
I didn’t want to.But I couldn’t stop.When it was over, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe.That was the day I knew: something was wrong with me.
It got worse.I started craving blood. Not in a fantasy way. In a physical way.I imagined tearing into the people I loved.My parents.My friends.Alive.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoq7Vfl96kO
Their skin. Their smell. Their muscles pulling away from bone.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnBnBj17Et
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I stopped touching anyone.To keep them safe, I hurt myself.Scratched my skin raw.Bruised my own body with blunt objects.I counted 110 scars across my legs, my arms, my torso—like tally marks in a prison I built myself.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qx5J1qoNR
I didn’t want to die.I wanted to be caged.
For one year, I rotted quietly.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡothANeP7SN
Then one night, I caught myself watching my father with a hunger in my eyes that terrified me.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtZCtNAqtN
I left home the next day.
I moved into a PG far from the city.I begged for a single room. Didn’t get it.Luckily, my roommates were never there when I was.It was like the world was giving me space to fall apart.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GXaLZaEbP
I tried to die seven times.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8MuEOnwvw
Jumped from a balcony.Held a knife to my throat.Grabbed a live wire.Stood in front of speeding cars.I always failed. Some part of me—just a thread—held on.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDBo9rRWzH
But the cravings didn’t stop.So I bought handcuffs. Three of them.Every night, I locked my wrists and ankles together before bed, just in case.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJy0taUOFjP
I didn’t want to become a monster in my sleep.
Six months later, I stood naked in front of a mirror and counted the injuries again.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiL5hc9NrjC
There were more now.Too many to hide.Too many to keep living like this.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUnelwTsBt
So I asked for help.
The psychologist listened. Didn’t flinch.He said my obsession with blood and flesh was a twisted coping mechanism.A need for control.A desperate scream for power in a world where I once felt powerless.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBsSAfFYNu
He said something inside me had snapped long ago.Something I'd never been taught to name.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDqyfAPjn5
Now I’ve been in treatment for three months.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA51blJ3uob
Still breathing.Still afraid.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqM7XsxgNT
Still me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be "better."I don’t even know what “better” looks like.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ534rtcvH7Z
But at least now, the monster isn’t hiding.It’s sitting across from me in the mirror.And we’re learning how to live together—without killing anyone.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4GX7Mp3P9
Not today.Not again.
[Optional Epilogue: From an Outsider’s Eyes]
249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIWukMeFlIShe talks like she’s made of glass, but her eyes are iron.You wouldn’t know what she’s survived unless she told you. You wouldn’t believe her even if she did.But I do. Because sometimes the ones who scare themselves the most… are the ones still trying to protect the world from their darkness.249Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwp7reG5Az
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