Finals week makes me more nervous than normal. It was the last opportunity to increase my grades before they're cemented for college applications next year. I'm fortunate that my two closest friends are the smartest students in school. They hold me accountable, making sure that I don't slack off or cave under the pressure.
Because pressure was all that I felt being at home. Not a day goes by without some mention of the colleges I would apply to. There was constant urging to apply to all of the Ivy Leagues and to avoid the local city universities. It would have been easier for me to stay at home and commute to college the same way I commuted to high school. Tuition at the local universities would have either been cheap or free, especially given my family's financial situation.
But they thought that was beneath me. My mother said it would be a waste if I studied so hard at one of the best schools in New York and didn't go to one of the best universities in the country. My father added that the local schools weren't for me, the citizen born on American soil, but for the immigrants who had just arrived and sought better jobs. I would disgrace them if I didn't want better for myself.
I already study hard and try my best in school. However, it's not entirely up to me whether I gain entrance to the ivory towers of academia. If my family can't afford my admission or I don't earn a large enough scholarship, I will have to settle for the next best option. But trying to explain that to them is like telling a child that Santa isn't real. I would rather have reality instead of my words dashing their hopes and dreams.
"You can become a doctor," they tell me, even though I remind them that I'm horrible at science, but good at math.
"How about a banker or an accountant? My friend's son works at Chase Bank. You'll make a lot of money."
I shrug at their suggestions. "If I do well in college, I'll get a high-paying job." What that job would be, I wasn't certain. But no parent wants to hear 'I don't know' from their academically gifted child. Although it would be five years down the line, I could already tell that they wanted me to graduate and join the workforce.
So finals week wasn't just about grades. It was about showing admissions officers that I could work hard and consistently get good results, which in turn would boost the rankings of their university. It was an easy exchange to make for a badge of prestige that would distinguish me when I was ready to get a grown-up job. If I mess things up during these seven days, I could ruin my whole life trajectory.
No big deal. I can take a few tests and do well. Especially when the alternative was failing and keeping my family stuck in generational poverty.
I study for hours. I run through questions with Yuey and Mikael in the library, take practice tests, and compare answers. I seek both of them out individually for topics I have a hard time wrapping my head around, comparing the way their brains work to understand complex concepts. I'm grateful for their patience with me, and I thank them constantly for sitting by my side.
If I were still stuck with Maia and Ainsley, we would get no work done. At most, we would do five practice problems before Maia demanded a break or Ainsley gave up and said she would do everything at home. I would be the one keeping them focused and explaining previous lessons. Ainsley typically listened attentively while Maia copied and memorized the answers.
I wonder if they even bothered to study without me there. Maia still had her college tutor, so she was getting help. Ainsley could always ask her older brothers if she was struggling. The stakes were never that high for them, so they didn't have to try hard.
In the past, I would have envied that. But to have every resource available to succeed and only using it to be a vapid socialite was a waste. I can't imagine living a life so flat and uninspiring.
At least my friends have dreams. Yuey would never dare use her parents' time and money, not preparing to take over the family company. Mikael was adamant about taking his love for machines to become an engineer and make the world a better place. Both were teeming with ambition whenever I asked them about the future.
My goal of becoming a woman with means felt humble by comparison. I could be a doctor, banker, or accountant, but none of these occupations was compelling. I wasn't dying to put on a white coat to save lives or wear a suit to crunch numbers.
When I think about what I really want to do, I feel ashamed. I get pleasure from the small things in life. Sewing clothes and cooking food soothes me. I enter a calm state that brings me incomparable joy. If there were a way to only do those two things for the rest of my life, I would happily take that chance.
But alas, I am the manifestation of my parents' dreams and poor financial decisions. They would say that I'm too bright for a lifetime of domestic labor, although that could change once I become old enough to marry.
I will never tell anyone what I would truly like to do. And if I dare to dream bigger than I do now, I promise to keep those ambitions to myself. I was already made fun of for my background. I didn't want everything about me to be dissected.
The good thing about exam days is that the students get half the day off. Even though I have to go in for four out of the five days because of all the advanced placement classes I took, I can rest afterwards.
Yuey is always eager to get lunch and explore the city. Since she hasn't been in the U.S. for long, she wants to do tourist activities free from the scrutiny of her parents. Despite living in New York my whole life, I haven't done any of these things. Together, we see the Empire State Building, the World Trade Center, and the Statue of Liberty. I tell my parents that I'm still studying this week when I get home late.
If I'm not walking around the city with her, I'm exploring with Mikael. We wander through museums like the MoMA and the MET, idly chatting about test questions and the future. He looks forward to our senior year activities, asking to be the first person to sign my yearbook. He rattled off about the senior trip and prom, activities that he expects me to be present for. Even though I'm not sure I can afford the ticket to London for the trip or the gown for prom, I play along. I pretend that my future with him extends beyond this moment, that he would be my boyfriend outside the confines of high school. There was a high chance that we would go to different colleges, but neither of us seemed worried about that. Not while we held hands and cracked jokes about modern art.
Summer in New York is special like that. The air is balmy and sweet, ripe with the feeling that anything can happen. All of the difficult things in life evaporate in the hot sun.
At least, while my friends were still in the city.
Yuey disappears to China for a month in July. Mikael goes to Sweden in August. I stay in New York and help with the family bakery.
On social media, I see that Maia and Ainsley have also left the country. Ainsley goes on a shopping spree in Singapore. She posts plenty of mirror selfies in her new clothes and jewelry. Maia shows scenic views of Malaysia and delicious street food. But I notice that she posts less than normal, even as she uses the same enthusiastic, emoji-filled captions. Neither has reached out to me since that incident, our friendship long buried in the past.
A part of me knew that they were never meant to be permanent. We were too different, them and I. But I miss the constant availability of their company, empty as it was.
My former and current friends were a distraction from the life that awaited me after high school. I know that when I get into college, I will have to work harder than ever. If I go to a good college, I would be competing against the best students in the nation rather than the tiny pool of the New York elite. That meant everything I experienced in Two Bridges would be magnified two-fold.
I picture snobbier and meaner students with twice the brain power and trust funds. I imagine enduring them for another four years for the sake of a degree in a subject matter I still wasn't sure of without Yuey or Mikael.
Suddenly, I feel terribly alone.
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