To my dearest A***
it was the second grade when we first locked eyes
I was circling the playground and you were coming back from the basketball court
I had stopped walking when I looked at you and you looked back at me, your feet pausing just like mine
your hair was as blond as the sun and was cut just below your jaw
you scared me a little but I could tell your eyes were filled with kindness even if I was nearsighted
I wonder what you thought about me then
if I was weird for always circling the playground alone
then you looked away and kept walking to undercover
I followed suit, continuing my path of isolation around the playground mindlessly
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then we crossed paths again
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It was the middle of the school year of the awkward stages of 5th grade
We were in the same WIN class and at the same table
I hadn't recognized you until you spoke up for me when I was getting annoyed at one of the guys at the table
I looked at you, my back shamelessly hunched with doodles arrayed across the reading packet I was supposed to fill out with information
you seemed familiar
and just looking at you felt warming
You were sat across from me with that same blond hair except this time it was below your shoulders, your eyes just the same with a twinge of tiredness
I didn't say anything, just watching as you sided for me and calling the guys annoying as well
You were so confident
How?
You looked at me and smiled, not seeming to care that I looked like a slob
You averted your gaze to continue talking to your friend and I continued to doodle, wondering why you felt so familiar
But as days passed we kept talking every day at that same time at that same table
And eventually you sat next to me
I was confused why you didn't sit by your friend but I didn't complain
that just meant we could be closer
yet I didn't expect your pinky to brush over mine on the seat between us, my heart dropping to my stomach as you tested the waters
the softness of your finger to lightly brush back and forth against mine had my heart racing
did you know that?
that when we locked pinkies under the table you had me feeling as light as a feather with thoughts that weighed like pounds of bricks
not that you were toxic
but because i've never been chosen
and when you chose me out of everyone
I felt special
because when you asked me to be your Valentine I never felt better
I was over the moon no matter how cliche it sounded
I truly was
You were my first kiss
My first girlfriend
And i'll never forget it
I'll never forget our heart to hearts
Or how I felt like I could actually look someone in the eye when talking to you
because how could I not look at your eyes?
You were breathtaking
And still are
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If I could tell you everything, I would tell you how I think of you every night
wondering how you're doing
wondering if you're crying
wondering if there's blood down your wrists and legs again
because I know you once did for me
And I miss knowing I could be called yours
I miss that I could actually talk to you
gaze into your eyes
wipe away the blood on your thumb
laugh like there's no tomorrow
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And maybe I still can
but the thoughts take over and I wonder if you have a new girlfriend already
and suddenly I'm here
writing you this 'letter' while listening to the smiths
wondering when you're coming home and if I should try and eventually ask you out
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So to my Dearest A,
maybe just one day we'll be in your room
kissing as we listen to the French Exit as a couple
or laughing as we paint our nails as friends
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either way I cant wait
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, B
ns216.73.216.13da2
and then Add to home screen.