Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqZ6sYIoxe
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWESKeobUQl
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBB3t3UBvN
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlAAiSF3Bt
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESKylPXirc
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkwjxxFTq5
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQl97YC89J
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxgY3gRPfh
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKpfvaf1Hq
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1cI1k09aW
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxBfI39NUy
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDvj52Rqee
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXjwsRjITyg
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrBBfCL8lx
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc57BJBr709
40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VuejWWXYv
"Everything is growth"40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEIFZnAEbe
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdceMlU4mwC
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBApKFkTvEV
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAR5iPDITYG
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKT4b85SVEM
I wonder what part of that is alive.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoEiL5DfwS
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiUgimME8Q
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDdacC7jw3
There is no other point in this community.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5RaOTwq7J
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWBQpRohBa
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFrNLAODw9
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbwDJzPBzp0
Whatever that's supposed to mean.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe96ioKaCML
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcy7R9qnBy
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1pYbZB6jT1
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYm0zmyB4kB
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgMpCs91yi
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl78tdhhudv
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynHkHMuVHc
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhRnclnSnj
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7O1thUkpX
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0eGa6FtYc
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXm6GOtmk9
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZ51oUnF4D
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16TTgXp9G2
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeCTypKFPJ
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxgGZnWiQI
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YAKbqRUrN
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBF9Fu8AvWi
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
40Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpSwCixo4l
and then Add to home screen.