Like every morning after the shared breakfast, we have to attend the sitting circle. It's routine, so I don't really mind. Still, I feel nothing afterwards.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxGQZI8Pcm
We sit in a circle, in the same robes as always, on the same cushions, with the same faces.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjmILdjHNt
Sister Agnes begins, as always, with the same sentence. She probably dreams it by now:143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0UvLn7ogr
"The light within us may shine again today." And she strikes the same tone on the singing bowl.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvL0cO6JSni
Some frequency that's supposed to open the heart chakra, or so we've been told.
I nod, smile, like everyone else. My smile is genuine this time. Not because Sister Agnes is especially stirring, but because I remember how you used to imitate her when no one was looking. How you once said that with all that overly colorful makeup on her wrinkled skin, she looked like a clown.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5Q1WPLAbG
Her line about the light within us echoes briefly in my mind. Not because of its meaning, but because I wonder how many times I've heard it. I don't know. But I think it's a thousand times too many.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡre9exn3A4o
I don't know what's growing inside me, but it's not light. My heart remains closed, despite the frequency.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VHC1zmoyK
Sometimes I sit there and observe my hands while Sister Agnes preaches.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi3AhwoJ7Ih
I look at the curved blue veins, the white knuckles, the slight tremble in my left index finger.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWfyxX72n1
I think of you, Sybelle. Then of your delicate hands. Of your laugh when you exaggerated again, just to give me courage.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9ak7Nkyfv
Now it's quiet. Since you've been gone, it's quiet.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWd9zo41Hgn
Not on the outside. Out there, our community hums like always, like a beehive on too much caffeine and false confidence. But inside me, it's gone quiet.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0b5RnBA1bj
And not in the good way.
After the sitting circle comes what they call "Free Space." I call it mandatory leisure. A time when we're supposed to "cultivate our inner light."143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4sWfs6l6i
There's a list of suggestions that never changes. Gardening. Mindful walking. Reading texts by Felix.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYtnAyJ9s7
I usually pick walking on nice days, because then I can think whatever I want without anyone noticing.
The path leads past the trailers, with signs that say:143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbebnmeKNAt
143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxLQ75rsoZ
"Everything is growth"143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLswtIrWOp
"Anger is the teacher of impatience"143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0kzycaVrY
I used to try to understand those lines. And for a while, I thought I did. Now I try to tune them out. To me, they sound like a TV on static in the background.
Some in the community scatter flower petals on the path we walk, barefoot, heads bowed.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvphhkZ3i6n
Our leader, Felix Hartmann, orders fresh flowers every day, their blossoms are scattered on the ground we walk on, to "celebrate life."143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgWv1EZmeu
The flowers we scatter once had roots. Bees danced over them. The wind whispered around them. Now they lie still, decoratively dismantled, on a path that's meant to celebrate life.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXkM1yMi2F
I wonder what part of that is alive.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvNIrp315c
Like cutting open a vein to celebrate the blood.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtSWZO1W11
It's so pointless. But my brothers and sisters seem happy, and maybe that's the point.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9IaxzPrn7
There is no other point in this community.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1BBdhMgxd
I know their names and greet them like always.
Today I stop in front of the pond. A small, lifeless place. Too still.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0GgUFgYpc
The water reflects my face, but not my feeling.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjINjPuFrR
I look like a good son, a loyal member of the community, an honorable man.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWLV4BRzc7
Whatever that's supposed to mean.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgqJ3dEOnJ
I thought, if you hold yourself together long enough, you start to believe that's character.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDRmvmmRpW
I don't believe that anymore.
Sister Agnes wishes me a "radiant day" as she walks by.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wBD3JF7L3
I smile. Even suppress a laugh when I see her. The preaching clown in a robe.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTF1hdp3fj
And at the same time, I wonder what a radiant day is supposed to feel like when the light is missing on the inside.
I decide to go to the car workshop. My workplace.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQdQSucfKx
Brother Karl took me on as an apprentice a few years ago, and I just stayed there, fixing cars. He's glad for the help. Not because I especially like cars. But because in the workshop, silence is allowed without being interpreted as something spiritual.
In the workshop, I can just... be. Covered in oil, silent, with dirty hands.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLLBxWQXtE
I don't have to interpret anything as "inner imbalance." It's just dirt.
Karl runs the workshop. He doesn't talk much, which I like.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaq0tjBvIBi
When he speaks, it's as if every word has to pass through his own personal filter made of steel wool.
Today he shows me how to change a drive belt on one of the old community vans.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMm9A9W6050
I listen, but I'm also thinking of you, Sybelle.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOwAFaOzSd
You would have mimicked him. His slow, deliberate tone. The way he taps the wrench with his fingers like it's his personal meditation instrument.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2b0QlRqpvw
I have to be careful not to laugh out loud.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeOGimV1aO
I miss you.
"All good with you?" he asks, without looking at me.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukpVm5jshQ
I nod. He says nothing more. Silently, I thank him for that.
The workshop smells of metal and engine oil, sometimes in summer also faintly of sweat. The scent is old, heavy, honest.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpC2JFreURr
Not like artificial candles and cheap incense sticks in the community huts, which smell of lavender and repression.
I like working with my hands. Taking something apart. Cleaning it. Putting it back together. That makes sense. You can see when something is broken.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMOp2evdGS
And sometimes, you can fix it.
For me, it's the only place in the community where no one pretends everything is whole.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAMjWsMTJC
We never talk about it. But I think Brother Karl feels the same.143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUHP7UZ7Zp
When he thinks no one's looking, his smile vanishes too, and he looks pensive.
Later, Brother Karl says, "The van has to be ready for the drive tomorrow."143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgxLULdoOq
I nod again. He pats me on the shoulder. It's one of the few real touches I've felt lately. Not because it means something. But because it doesn't want to.
143Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwK6aHBaX6l
and then Add to home screen.