POV: TYLER
"It's okay," Eleanor's voice crackles through the phone, feeble as if she were not just in another country, but in a whole other universe. "It really is, Aves, I promise."
Aves. Not Becks anymore.
Becks is for good times. It's a name for beer and fun, loud laughs and easy banter.
Aves is different, intimate and private. It's what we call my wife whenever we need to ground her, to remind her who she really is. Something only Eleanor and I are able to do.
And it works. As every single damn time in years and years.
Avery shakes her head, snapping out of her own personal horror, and swallows. "Fuck! Fuck, fuck! Eleanor, I'm so sorry..."
"Don't, please," our friend smiles in the distance. And even though she sounds sad, there is no anger or bitterness in her tone. "You can talk about Alec whenever you want. He was my brother, but he was yours too, in a kind of way. It feels good to hear his name from time to time. Besides, you are right. He always teamed up with Ty, so..."
Avery breathes through her nose, trying to regain her composure, and I bite my lips.
It was just a slip of tongue, I tell myself. Something small, almost stupid. Then why does it seem as if a huge rock came crashing down from the mountain right above our heads?
"Come on, you two! Talk to me!" Eleanor urges us. "You know that I can't stand it when you both go silent. And I know what you're thinking."
"It's just that... God, that was so rude of me," Avery says after a moment. "I feel like a total asshole, Els. I don't know where my head went. I was so caught up in the planning of our travel that I..."
"Stop," Eleanor interrupts her gently. "I'm begging you. Should I remind you that I called for the opening of my father's late will? Let's not add guilt to the recipe, shall we? And speaking of recipes, your cake is burning in the oven."
"What? Shit!" My wife swears, her eyes wide with panic as she jumps off the couch in one second, and rushes into the kitchen the next.
For a second, I just follow her movements on the other side of the open door, before Eleanor's voice chimes again.
"Please tell me the cake didn't burn for real," she jokes, seeking a moment of our old intimacy. I can easily imagine her in the dimly lit studio of the manor, the lights turned down to a soft glow, casting a golden sheen over her reddish brown hair. Her lips quivering a little, trying to conceal a pain that I can picture all too well. Her eyes looking everywhere as if searching a way out. Maybe, towards the window, and the night upon Cavendish manor that I can only imagine.
"Tyler?" She pushes and I sigh.
"I'm here. Sorry. Nice call anyway, it's good when you get Avery's head back in the game. Thanks."
"It was my fault. A call like this... I should have known better," she replies, her voice laced with a small smile that probably is already disappearing from her lips. She sounds sad and tired as she adds: "She's fine though, isn't she?"
I shudder, knowing exactly what Eleanor is talking about. Avery's tendency to get lost somewhere in her head, the rest of the world disappearing. Not a real panic attack, but something closer to a full-blown dissociative moment that only Els and I seem to be able to pull her out of.
"She is," I reassure our old friend, because in the end it's true. Still, the memory of the last time is too fresh for me, and my chest tightens painfully just remembering it.
"Tyler?"
"Yeah?"
"I can feel your thoughts running through your head even from here. What's going on?"
"Nothing really. Just the usual…"
"Beckett again?"
I shrug. "When is it not about him?"
"Sorry. I was simply hoping..." she trails off before her voice softens a little. "I don't know. I guess he will never change. Always the biggest son of a bitch on the Earth, isn't he?" she adds, and for a moment I consider asking if something happened for Eleanor to talk like this.
But then again, this is Bob Beckett we're talking about. Of course something must have happened.
"You should really consider moving somewhere else, Ty."
"It's not that easy…"
"It could be, and you know," she tells me, but I shake my head, even if Eleanor can't see me. When she speaks again, her voice is nothing but a whisper. "You are still playing the hero, aren't you? We'll talk about this when you get here."
"Do we really have to?"
"Yes, Ty, we do. You can't carry all this weight on your own. Understood?"
"Understood, my lady. Besides, who am I to deny your requests?"
This time the laughter that reaches me from the phone sounds sincere. "I love you, you stupid, stubborn girl. Say hi to your beautiful wife and enjoy that cake for me too, okay? I have to reach Righley, or she'll start wondering if the manor isn't a labyrinth and I'm the Minotaur in the middle."
"You'd be the sexiest one in all of history, though!"
"Don't try to bribe me with sweet words, you charming one. Now go. And call me when you land. I might be at the Foundation, but I'll send Seymour to pick you up."
We say goodbye and soon she ends the call, leaving me to the loneliness of the living room.
When I look around, I can't remember what I was doing before. My thoughts feel scrambled and it takes me a minute to regain some clarity of mind.
In front of me, the now muted television casts shadows on the walls. And I can hear Avery fussing with the oven, and pots, and pans as she moves around the kitchen, the smell of burnt chocolate hitting my nose.
I leave the couch and cross the room to find her.
"Are you okay?" I ask quietly and she nods, her gaze fixed on the floor. When she raises her head, a sad smile plays on her lips.
"I can't believe I brought up Alec. It's been a long time, and... Jesus. I can be so bold sometimes. She must think I'm the most insensitive person on the planet. Or stupid. Or both... God, she is going to hate me for-"
"Enough," I interrupt her, closing the distance between us, and taking her face in my hands. Avery is tall, but I am taller. And when she raises her eyes to search mine, I can see the storm swirling in them. "You didn't do that on purpose."
"Yeah, well, does it change anything? He's gone and… it hurts like hell, Ty. It still does."
I nod and sigh, because what else can I do? She is so fucking right. And despite all the time that's passed, it still hurts like hell, for me too.
"I miss him. Life would have been so different, if Alec..."
I don't let her finish. I lean forward and press my forehead against hers. For a moment, all I can feel is her breath on my skin. I force myself to hold it together for both our sakes.
"Listen to me, ok? I miss him too. But don't punish yourself like this. Hurting for Alec is legit. Convincing yourself that Eleanor could ever hate you because of a slip of tongue is not. It's stupid."
"Well, that's exactly how I feel. Stupid. The biggest moron that ever walked on earth. It was as if I had forgotten he was gone and I didn't even realize what I was saying."
"Babe, it could have happened to anyone."
"Yeah, but it happened to me! Jesus, I should learn how to connect my brain to my mouth!"
I retreat a little and give her another apologetic smile, moving a strand of hair from her face. "Aves, please. Nothing happened. We were remembering the old days at the manor, and Alec was part of them. You can't eradicate him from your past. Or ours."
Avery seems to ponder on my words, now, her head tilted to the side, her brows furrowed.
"And since we're talking about it," I go on, "are you sure you want to spend this week at the manor? I mean, if you fear it might hurt you, we could always stay in London. We'll find a hotel. The girls will understand."
"No," she says, her features setting again in a more stoic pose. "No, the manor is fine. We both miss the estate. And I want to be there. I want to be with Righley and Eleanor, given the chance. Don't you think Els sounded... off? Or something like that?"
"Well, at least I wasn't the only one imagining things."
"Exactly. Something seemed off about her, but I can't put my finger on it..."
"But babe, think about it: her father has just died and it must have been a nightmare. If Eleanor and Righley really decided to move to the manor, can you imagine the mess? And all the bureaucracy Els had to deal with? Moving from the city to the country is already difficult in normal conditions. Let alone after losing a parent."
Avery sighs, her shoulders slumping. "Maybe you're right, but I don't know. There was something wrong with her. She was trying to play it cool, but I know how she sounds when she's happy. Really happy. And she wasn't. Not even a little bit."
"Perhaps she had a fight with Righley. You should know better than anyone how your little mentee can be when she is upset."
Even the whole internet-thing could have been an excuse, I tell myself, to justify why Eleanor was alone on the phone.
And I can picture them so well, fighting because of us. Righley clearly hurt by our absence from their lives. And Eleanor, taking our side, making excuses, trying to rationalize something even I can't quite understand. That we let life take over, and slowly disappeared one day at a time, letting months pass between calls... until we reached this point where hearing from Eleanor sounds almost... strange.
"If we want to be honest, Righley could have every right to be pissed," I try, searching for Avery's eyes once again. "We have our share of responsibility, no matter how busy life has become."
"Maybe. Or maybe not. The last three years have been hectic for everyone," Avery replies, and part of me wants to agree with her.
But there's also another part of me, the more instinctive one, that keeps telling me this is just another excuse.
Before Avery and I got married, we always found creative ways to stay in touch with Eleanor. Even though she was in London and we were here in Cambridge, Massachusetts. We made it work somehow.
But after we got married, something changed. Drastically. And I don't know where the truth stands anymore.
"I miss them, Ty," Avery whispers in the end. "We have never been apart for so long and I... I just don't know how to fix it."
"Come with me," I urge her, already reaching for her hand and pulling her out of the mess in the kitchen. There's no way we are going to have this conversation in there.46Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTx2JPHu60D
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