"I guess I've always had feelings for you," Eleanor said to me, that afternoon in the Cavendish Manor. "I was sure they would have passed, sooner or later, given all the miles that stood between us. But if anything, the distance made me miss you more. But it's okay."59Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqss3yn6vQ
"O… okay?"
Eleanor sighed and stepped away from me, as though our physical proximity was now unbearable. "Yeah, Becks. It's okay. I know they are one-sided. I've learned how to live with them, even though I know they will lead nowhere. And honestly? Having you in my life is enough. Besides, you never gave the impression of understanding, and what happened last winter..."
"You mean, me and Tyler?"
Eleanor shrugged. "Exactly. Actually, I shouldn't have said anything. I know how you feel about Ty. But after what happened to Alec... I'm sorry. It's just that I've realized life's too short to keep secrets. And I wanted you to know the truth. How do they say? Now or never?"
I remember having clenched my jaw, at those words. The mere idea that if Alexander hadn't died so brutally and tragically, she wouldn't have told me how she felt was beyond infuriating. It was... devastating.
"And I know how Tyler feels about you, too. So... if you'll excuse me, I have to call my other best friend and tell her what an asshole I've been."
She started turning on her heel, but once again, my body reacted faster than my mind. I grabbed her sweater the same moment a few words escaped my lips. "Els, wait."
She stopped on the track, her eyes widening as I cursed myself because of the nickname I used. For it was Tyler who had made it up when we were kids. And her presence now lingered between us, impalpable and yet impossible to ignore.
"Eleanor…" I tried again, but the words died in my throat.
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Everything felt so wrong. So fucking wrong.
And what made it unbearable was that the person making me feel that way was my best friend, and not my girlfriend. Not Tyler, who was totally unaware of what had just happened there in Kent.
As if reading my thoughts, a sad, heartbreaking understanding dawned in Eleanor's eyes and I watched helplessly as she began to drift away from me, emotionally too, this time.
She was about to lock a door between us, I realized in panic.
And if I let her, jeez, if I let her do it... It was over.
Forever.
So I did the only thing I could. The only possible one. I held on to her sweater, leaned in, and kissed her.
With fear, with my heart beating so hard in my chest that its sound filled my ears. With everything that I didn't know how to name.
I felt her tensing against my body, freezing in shock. I froze in shock. Because... what in the name of hell did I just do?
What did I... do?!
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to stop. A soft, urgent 'don't let her walk away' whispered in my mind, keeping my lips flush against her, locking us in the moment, in the present. In ourselves.
That kiss was different from our previous one, a few moments before - more desperate, more honest, I suppose. And it hit me how true her words had been. I really hadn't 'got it'. Not until then. Not until my mouth found shelter on hers. And once it happened, I was done.
Eleanor made a tiny noise of surprise, then her hands went to my waist, drawing me close with a pressing urgency that awakened a fire beneath my skin. I wrapped my arms around her neck, clinging to her like she was oxygen, drinking her soft gasps and sharp sighs like I'd been dying of thirst.
My mind yelled at me, over and over, to stop. To apologize, come up with some absurd excuse, explain. Fix things... Fix myself. Because this was insane. I loved Tyler. I really did.
But the taste of Eleanor's mouth, the smell of her skin, made an entire symphony in my brain that silenced every other thought. In that moment, I wanted her. Like I could not survive another minute without feeling her lips on mine.
And I loathed it. Deeply. Fiercely.
Because how could my entire world collapse with a simple kiss and rearrange itself according to the touch of my best friend's fingers, grazing softly against the edge of my t-shirt?
And yet that was exactly what happened.
It was such a mess.
We were such a mess.
Clumsy and unsure, as our hands frantically searched for balance. Hers on my hips. Mine tangled into the locks of her copper hair, keeping Eleanor's lips firmly connected with mine.
And frail and frightened by something we could not comprehend.
Still, I let her push me gently against the wall behind us, finding the support we both desperately needed as she stepped into my personal space. And even though we didn't dare go any further than that, I felt my face turning red.
I couldn't pull away from this invisible force that had settled between us even if my life depended on it.
It felt too important, too vital. As if I had finally found a missing piece of a song I'd been dreamed about, but couldn't remember.
And for the first time since Alec died, Eleanor seemed herself again. Not hiding behind an iron mask built upon duty. But raw. Real. Alive. I realized it with awe, with every tentative touch of my lips on hers. With every heartbeat I felt pounding inside her rib-cage. With every unsteady breath we shared.
Then, as quickly as it had started, it ended. And we had no choice but to part. Panting hard.
"Shit, you said?" She asked me, nestling her nose against my neck, inhaling the scent of my skin.
I tightened my arms around her shoulders, tears prickling my eyes.
"Shit indeed..."
The note of pain in my voice made her straighten up. Tears pooled in my eyes, but I forced them back, because crying would have only made things harder. Instead, I took her hand and guided her to the windowsill where I was sitting minutes before.
It was still warm. The summer heat had left its imprint there. It gave me a little courage, as I pulled her down to sit with me. I wanted something solid beneath me, something that could allow my body to breathe as my brain re-started working, in those tiny moments where I tried to find a way to adjust to that sudden, new reality. One that folded us into each other's orbit as if the rest of the world didn't exist.
One of our parents could open the door at any moment, but I didn't care. The only thing that mattered was holding Eleanor in my arms, my lips tracing feather-light kisses along the soft curve of her cheek and down her shoulder, simply because I could.
The truth is that being with Eleanor like that felt both safe and so goddamn right at the same time. As if something in my soul had shifted between our kisses, and I could finally accept that there was an "us" where my other half was not Tyler, but her.
Eleanor didn't falter, but allowed us the freedom to explore each other. And we stayed there, doing nothing else but exchanging cuddles just because we could.
I would have stayed like that forever. But, although it felt right, I also knew that the bubble surrounding us was just an illusion.
"Now who's the one who doesn't make things easy?" Eleanor asked softly, and I interrupted her before she could say something stupid. Like we shouldn't have done it, or that it was her fault.
I gently pushed her by her shoulders and finally looked into her eyes. "Don't say a word. Just be quiet and listen, okay?"
When she nodded, I took a deep breath to gather my thoughts. "I… didn't know. It feels lame now, but it's like I never allowed myself the freedom to think of you this way. And I'm sorry I didn't understand the way you felt for me. But I'm glad you kissed me, today."
"Avery…"
"No. You were right. I didn't get it. I had no clues, and I wouldn't have figured it out on my own. Not for a long time, or maybe never, who knows. But I do now, okay?"
"Okay..." she whispered, and I gulped down the lump in my throat.
"Don't get me wrong, Eleanor. It wasn't... it was beautiful. It really was. And I do not regret it, I will never regret it. It's just..."
"That I'm not Tyler..."
I nodded slightly. "I don't mean it in a wrong way. It's not like you're missing something, not being Tyler, or that you're not as good as her. It's that you're not her. The same way Tyler is not you. And you mean so much to me, Els. Just..."
"Just like her," Eleanor gave me another apologetic smile and I felt the tears coming up once again. I couldn't stand the idea of hurting her.
But Eleanor looked up at the ceiling and sniffled, before setting her jaw in that typical 'duty first' pose of hers. "It's okay. I told you, before. I've learned how to live with these feelings. And this," she pointed at us. "It doesn't matter. We don't have to act upon it. To be honest, I never expected you to... you know..."
"I know. And I'm so sorry, Eleanor." My own voice broke as I struggled to find the words. "You and Tyler are both my world. You have always been, and I…"
"Shh! Come here," she interrupted me, and this time I didn't fight back when she pulled me close into her chest.
"I'm not going to ask you to give up on Tyler. I mean, you've been pretty clear about what you wanted, practically since you both got rid of your diapers, so..."
So...
It was obvious to everyone that Tyler and I were going to end up together. That we would find each other in the end, one way or another, despite what the rest of the world had to say. Especially my father.
And Eleanor was right.
I had wanted to be with Tyler since we were just toddlers. And when, last Christmas, I finally had the courage to confess that my feelings for her were not just a fantasy, that what I felt for her was solid and real, and my persistence had finally broken through Tyler's defenses, I couldn't have been happier.
I wanted Tyler Aldridge by my side. In every sense of the word.
As my lover, as my best friend, as my wife one day, as the mother of my future children when the time came.
Because yes, I had always been a sucker for all that romantic stuff and believed in true love and all that cheesy nonsense. All of them involving Tyler in my mind.
But Eleanor...
God, Eleanor was real too, in all her goddamn fragility. She was my other piece. And I couldn't give up on her either, if I wanted my life to make sense. She was like the harmony to a melody, the counterpoint that made everything just… complete.
"Becks?" Her voice pulled me back to the present. "Are you okay?" she murmured into my hair, and I nodded.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Or I will be, anyway..."
"Of course you will. You are the most stubborn person in this world," she teased me. "And just for you to know, that's one of the many reasons I fell in love with you, Avery Beckett."
I stared at her, my mouth half-open in disbelief, my own mind processing the exact words she had just used.
"You're impossible, you know?" I replied, struggling to hide my surprise, and Eleanor's eyes softened.
"I know. And there's another thing that I know. That your stubbornness is also one of the reasons Tyler loves you, too," she offered. "I really need to call her and apologize. I've fucked up spectacularly here."
I shook my head. "Stop blaming yourself. It takes two to tango, you know that, yes?"
"I do. Not that it changes anything..."
"It does. But I'll fix it, I promise."
"How?" She asked me, and for once I had no idea.
Or rather, I had so many thoughts in my head that they created a cacophony I could barely contain. But I also knew we had to find a way. Otherwise, we'd all end up broken.
Me. Eleanor. And Tyler too.
"One step at a time," I finally said, "but first of all, I need to talk to Tyler. Not via Skype, though. I'll be back home in a few days and I'll do my best to find the right way to talk to her about... what happened between us. And how I feel."
"I should be the one talking to Tyler."
"I'm not asking you to not do that. Or to hide what happened... just, give me a couple of days."
"All the time you need. But it was me who kissed you. I don't want you to take the blame."
"You kissed me first, and I kissed you back. I could have not reciprocated when I figured out what was going on, but I did it. So stop."
"Maybe. But Tyler will give you all the blame, and this is not fair. She must know how things went."
"She won't give me all the blame, this is nobody's fault. And… we should both tell Tyler what happened, it's just that I don't want to do that on the phone. Besides..."
"Besides?" It was her turn to press me into answering and I smiled softly, brushing a strand of auburn hair behind her ear.
"Besides, I can't lose her, Els. As much as I can't lose you, I really can't lose Tyler."
"I know. And it won't happen. You two will find a way," Eleanor reassured me. "Tyler adores you more than anything. And the last thing I want is to step into your relationship. This isn't what I wanted in the first place, and this is not going to happen anymore. I want you both to be happy."
"Well, that puts me in a terrible position," I scoffed, trying to ease the tension and failing miserably. "Because I want her happiness as much as I want yours."
"Aves..."
I shivered at my nickname, but tried to not let it show how much it moved me. "It's going to be okay, I promise." I said instead. "Nothing will ever change..."
But deep down I knew I couldn't keep that promise.
Nothing would ever be the same after I left her in Kent.
And I was right.
Back home, I told Tyler what had happened and of course we fought. Not because of Eleanor's feelings, or mine. Not because Tyler thought what had happened was my fault, or hers. But because she felt betrayed by her two best friends who had acted behind her back. And she had every right to feel like that.
Even so, that fight was different from any other we could have ever had. It was about Eleanor, and for so many reasons that was what saved us.
Eleanor meant the world to Tyler, just as she meant the world to me. Losing her wasn't an option for any of us.
So we decided to survive. We decided to find a way through it. And we did it.
I don't know when my feelings for Eleanor began to change, if they ever truly did. But the bond I had with Tyler was too precious to let go. And the one Tyler had with Eleanor was just as strong.
We did what we could, the three of us. We talked, and fought, and fought again, and tried in every way to be honest. We went through hell, and we did it together, despite the distance.
I cried in bed every night for a month at the end of that summer, thinking about Eleanor's body pressed against mine, her hands cupping my face. I cried at the memory of her lips caressing mine, the softness of her skin, her taste, knowing that I would never feel those sensations ever again. That I would never kiss Eleanor Cavendish, ever again. That I would never touch her, or feel her, or linger in her arms. Ever again.
And it broke my heart in ways I couldn't explain.
But I also cried for Eleanor, imagining her loneliness and pain. The guilt she felt about Tyler, which lingered even when she insisted it didn't, the sadness I could hear in her voice every time she called.
I cried for Tyler. For how hurt she was, how betrayed she felt. And because I couldn't bear to see my girlfriend like that, knowing that I was the source of so much pain.
And of course I cried for myself too. Because they were both irreplaceable to me, and I was heartbroken and in love with the both of them, in the same foolish, sincere, and complete way.
So I didn't make a choice. Because I could not choose between them.
Life and distance did that for me.
I had so many things to handle. I had school and music lessons. I had a father who seemed to hate me in ways I couldn't understand, and a mother too afraid of him, and too frail to stand up and protect me. I had college application forms, extracurricular activities, Tyler needing me. Me, needing her.
And I also had the Aldridges, not just Ty, but her little sister Zoe and her parents, who saved me in more ways than one, filling the void left by Alexander's death and the emotional absence of my own family.
In the midst of all that chaos, I slowly and unconsciously allowed myself to forgive that kiss. To rationalize it. And forget it too. I found peace in Tyler, in our bond, in the little things that defined us day by day: school, trips, our shared passions, music.
And we moved forward together.
After a year or so of distance, the three of us were finally able to be in the same room again without feeling guilty about what had happened the summer Alec died. And once things were back on track, we slowly realized how easy it was for us to be ourselves again.
Just three best friends, looking out for each other.
We traveled around the world whenever school and college allowed us. Eleanor visited Tyler and me whenever she had the opportunity, and we went to Italy at least three times during her studies.
But I never went back to the Cavendish Estate Manor anymore.
That was the last summer of my adolescence. And the kiss that Eleanor and I shared in this very studio was my leap into adulthood, the very first grown-up choice I ever made.
Not the kiss itself, but the decision that followed: to bury it in my soul and pretend to forget. To take this immense, terrifying, beautiful thing we had had, and hide it under layers and layers of heavy blankets, in order to protect something far more precious than it was: ourselves, our friendship, from mutual annihilation.
But some things once broken never mend.
Like this stupid C key that keeps sounding out of tune under my index finger.59Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0NQ33fm6N
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