我鍾意同妳鬥氣，其實只係因為… （Tier 1-3已完結，普通讀者連載中） - 三百一十五

三百一十五

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（葉佩儀視角）

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…

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其實…

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我諗我明白淇淇講乜嘢…

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佢啱啱叫我感受一下阿必對我係點…

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其實我感受到…

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解開咗一半個心結之後，我諗我真係感受到…

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只係…會唔會最後都係我表錯情？

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「淇淇…其實點解妳會知咁多嘢？」我問。

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淇淇尷尬一笑，答道︰「其實…都係熙熙話我知…佢都覺得唔應該同第二個人講，但佢話如果想你哋兩個有突破既話，就要我哋出手幫忙。」

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老實講，唔知係咪淇淇一邊同我傾，一邊解開咗我少少心結…我聽完之後真係好震撼…而且仲好感動…

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但係…但係…

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我苦笑咗一下，問︰「點解妳要而家先黎同我講呢啲嘢…我同石生就黎結婚架喇…」

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「咁我都係啱啱先知…而且我聽完之後都覺得好感動…」淇淇道︰「加上…作為一個喺你哋兩個身邊陪住你哋既朋友，如果去到呢一個地步，我仲唔做返少少嘢既話…我會覺得好可惜…」

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我個心乸住乸住，好肉痛咁既感覺…

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「但係…而家咁樣算點喎…唔通想妳真係想我悔婚？」我問。

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所有嘢都準備好…

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酒席都book好晒…

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婚紗、禮服都預備好晒…

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雙方家長都見晒面…

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仲要已經通知晒所有朋友…

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點解呢個時候…呢個時候我先知道呢個真相？

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點解呢個時候…先至黎幫我解開呢個心結？

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淇淇拉起我隻手，柔聲道︰「我唔係逼妳決定啲乜嘢…呢個都唔係我既原意…喺熙熙既立場，佢就梗係想幫阿必，但我就只係想妳開心…我唔係逼妳話要悔婚，只係想妳諗清楚先做決定…如果…真係帶住對阿必既感情嫁比Sebastian，妳真係會開心咩？如果妳咁樣嫁比Sebastian，對佢又公唔公平呢？」

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「如果…如果我唔知阿必對我既感情既話…」我個心真係乸住好痛︰「我…我…如果妳唔同我講既話…」

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「如果我唔同妳講，妳係咪就感覺唔到？」淇淇問。

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…

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唔係。

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其實…由果日喺我屋企門口果下擁抱開始，我就知道我同阿必其實已經返唔到轉頭。

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就算我哋之間扮到幾咁正常都好，心入面都有啲嘢唔同咗。

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呢啲嘢，呃到人，呃唔到自己。

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…

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我諗林必才個衰人都一樣。

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「阿儀…」淇淇隻手握緊我隻手，道︰「其實…就好似妳幫我一樣，妳有啲乜嘢事，我都可以幫妳。唔係淨係妳一個先可以好似大姐姐咁堅強去幫我，其實我都一樣可以幫妳。」頓了一頓，又道︰「我已經唔係中學失戀果陣時既譚梓淇喇…」

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我咬住唇，一時之間唔知點好。

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「我會選擇聽熙熙講，幫阿必呢一個忙，係因為我清楚知道如果真係愛上咗一個人，而唔能夠同佢一齊過、一齊白到老，果陣感覺係有幾痛苦。」淇淇又道︰「我講比妳聽，係等妳自己都諗清楚自己點諗。如果妳真係放得咗對阿必既感情，又或者妳對佢既感情唔係咁深既，咁妳咪同Sebastian結婚囉，仲一定會好幸福…我係咁相信既。但係…萬一原來妳係已經愛上咗阿必呢？妳抱住對阿必咁深厚既感情嫁比Sebastian，妳係咪真係會幸福？」

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我唔知。

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面對呢個突如其來既問題，我真係完全唔識答。

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「阿儀，我聽熙熙講，下星期一阿必就會飛架喇。」淇淇又開聲道︰「我知道時間唔多，要諗清楚唔係一件易事...但我都希望妳可以諗清楚，做一個唔會令自己痛苦既決定。」

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痛苦...痛苦...

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「假設我最後選擇咗阿必，而阿必又真係鍾意我，咁對Sebastian咪好唔公平？」我苦笑住問。

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「阿儀，有樣嘢由我把口講出黎，妳可能會覺得不以為然，但係妳知唔知我自從同熙熙分咗手之後，我學識咗啲乜嘢啊？」淇淇問。

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我搖搖頭。

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「愛情，有時係要自私既。」淇淇苦笑道：「如果唔係，到頭來傷得最深既只會係自己。」

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...

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恕我難以認同。

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淇淇又話：「我知道，你哋好多人其實都睇唔過眼我成日換男朋友。」頓了一頓，又道：「但其實，有時知道大家唔啱既話，早少少分手，對對方可能仲冇咁傷。」佢目光有少少放空，道：「其實，如果熙熙當日係勇敢少少，一早就同我講分手，唔好等我將所有嘢都奉獻晒比佢、愛佢仲遠遠多過愛自己既時候先同我講分手，我諗我都唔會受傷受得咁深...」

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「淇淇...」

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淇淇笑一笑，道：「放心，我真係冇嘢啊，都過咗咁耐。」

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「錯不在妳啊…」

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淇淇道︰「所以妳而家明白喇？」

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「明白乜嘢？」我奇問。

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「熙熙如果係唔鍾意我，佢錯就錯在冇一早同我講清楚…」淇淇道︰「如果妳…結咗婚之後先發現，原來妳係唔鍾意Sebastian，原來妳心入面仲有第二個人…到時就唔係分手咁簡單可以解決。一係，妳就要活喺妥協同唔開心之中；一係，妳就要同Sebastian離婚。」

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我…會唔鍾意Sebastian？佢對我咁好喎？我點會…至少好感，我都覺得一定有喇…？但事實上…其實…其實…由阿必當日喺我屋企門口緊緊地攬實我開始，有啲嘢就真係變咗…

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點解我要拼命去裝作同阿必既關係冇改變、點解我仲要同林必才咁friend？就係因為我想當乜嘢都冇事發生過，一切都仲係好似之前咁…

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「阿儀，我再講多一次，我唔係話妳一定要同Sebastian分手、悔婚，而係我想妳諗清楚先做決定。」淇淇又嘆咗一口氣，又道︰「不過…其實我諗妳心目中已經好清楚自己既心意係點？」

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我自己既心意？

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我對阿必…

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但係…石生對我咁好…我對佢…真係要…？

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唉…淇淇，妳同余正熙係咪真係要咁樣害我哋先安樂…？

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聽日…我同阿必餐farewell飯，我仲點食得安樂？

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（待續）

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