The part where Maria whispers "I found my love" with her eyes all wide and dilated absolutely wrecked me. she was literally just a girl who loved drawing and nature and now she's devoted to a monster in a cave. the obsession is so dark and tragic  :))

id my feedback is helpful you can kindly message me on my gmail ylateef997@gmail.com

Overall First ImpressionThis has the bones of a creepy folk horror story. The premise, settlers ignoring Native warnings, an ancient evil in the woods, a monster that brainwashes its victims, is solid and unsettling. The Maria twist (her falling obsessively in love with the monster) is genuinely disturbing and original. However, the writing itself needs significant work. Sentence fragments, grammatical errors, and inconsistent formatting make it difficult to read smoothly. The story is fighting to get out, but the prose is holding it back.
StrengthsThe Maria twist is the standout. Her dilated eyes, her soft voice saying "I found my love," her desperate need to stay with the monster, this is genuinely creepy and unexpected. It elevates the story beyond a simple "monster eats people" tale.
The monster's description is visceral. "Red‑meat monster," "skin looked wet... bloody red... like the flesh was on the outside," "eyes pitch black with tiny white dots", these images stick with you.
The setup works. Natives warning, settlers ignoring, people going missing, classic horror structure, and it builds tension effectively.
Maria's backstory (loves nature, draws the world around her) makes her fate more tragic. She was drawn to the woods because she loved them, and that love got twisted into obsession with the monster.
Areas for ImprovementThe writing needs a full grammar and punctuation pass. Run-on sentences, fragments, missing commas, and inconsistent capitalization make the piece feel like a rough draft. Examples:
"He walk far. He continue the long path there the deep woods then" → Tense shifts, missing words
"John tried to scream but nothing came out he was to scared to scream" → Run-on, "to" instead of "too"
"Families panickedand was very concerned" → Missing space, subject-verb agreement
"Some people didn't care. Cuz it didn't affect them or" → "Cuz" reads too casual for the tone
The John scene is too short. He's our first victim, but we get almost no time with him. His death happens in two sentences. Giving him even a paragraph of fear, the moment he realizes the crying voice is a trap, the monster turning toward him, would make his death mean more.
Maria's transformation needs a beat. She sees the monster, draws it, it touches her arm, and suddenly she's obsessed. What happens in that touch? Does she feel warmth? Ecstasy? Does her mind flood with images? One sentence describing the sensation of the monster's control would make her obsession feel earned rather than abrupt.
The monster is scary but unexplained. That's fine for horror, sometimes what's unknown is scariest. But if you want the story to have depth, consider dropping hints: Is it a demon? A skinwalker? Something the Natives had a name for? Even one line of Native warning ("They said the woods eat your soul and leave your body walking") would add layers.
The dialogue is uneven. Some lines work ("I found my love" is perfect). Others feel modern or awkward ("This indecency is untolerable", "untolerable" isn't a word; "intolerable" is correct). The Duke's embarrassment reads almost like comedy, which undercuts the horror tone.
CharacterizationJohn: Barely sketched. Brave or dumb, that's all we know. If he's going to die in the opening, give us one detail that makes us feel for him. Does he have a little sister waiting at home? Is he doing the dare to prove himself to his father? One line.
Maria: The strongest character here. Her love of nature and art makes her sympathetic, and her fall into obsession is tragic. Her dialogue after the monster touches her ("Please... where are we going..." in a soft, obsessed voice) is chilling.
The monster: Effective as a presence. The detail that it looked "bored" when the army arrived is excellent, it shows how little it fears humans. The question: Does it want Maria? Or did it just... take her, and her obsession is a side effect? Either works, but clarity would help.
The king and Duke: Functional but flat. The king seems genuinely concerned for Maria, which is a nice touch. The Duke is a one-note authority figure.
Worldbuilding/Setting1600s colonies are established well enough, cabins, farms, a king, settlers ignoring Native warnings. The time period adds to the helplessness (no modern weapons, less understanding of the world).
The deep woods feel appropriately ancient and threatening. The cave as the monster's lair is classic.
What's missing: Sensory details of the time period. What do the settlements smell like? What are people wearing? How do they speak differently? A few period-appropriate details would immerse the reader more.
Dialogue"Help... please... help me..." — Works as a lure.
"I found my love" — Perfect. Haunting.
"LET ME GO! I NEED TO STAY WITH HIM! HE'S MINE! MINE!" — Effective desperation.
"Jesus... what happened to you...Maria " Duke Rowan whispered ,  Missing comma after "Maria." Also "Jesus" as an exclamation in the 1600s? Possible but feels slightly modern.
"This indecency is untolerable" → Should be "intolerable"
Pacing & StructureThe opening (settlers arriving, Native warnings) is efficient. Good.
John's scene is too fast. He walks, sees a figure, hears crying, runs, dies. No tension build. No moment of realization that the crying is fake.
Maria's scene is the strongest. Her drawing, the slow realization the monster is there, the touch, the obsession, this is where the story finds its voice.
The cave scene has good tension but rushes the reveal. The king sees Maria "sucking something red and meaty", this is the horror peak, but it's described in one vague line. What is she eating? Another victim? Part of the monster? Be specific, specific is scarier.
The ending cuts off abruptly at "ATTACK." If this is a chapter break, it works. If this is the end, it feels incomplete. We need a final image, the monster's reaction, the men charging, Maria's face watching, something to land on.
Technical Notes (Grammar & Clarity)"He continue the long path there the deep woods then" → Incomprehensible. Rewrite: "He continued down the long path into the deep woods. Then—"
"John was brave... or maybe just dumb." → Works. Good voice.
"Making soon as the monster grabbing him." → Fragment. Rewrite: "The moment the monster grabbed him, "
"Its eyes were pitch black with tiny white dots in the middle." → Strong image.
"Families panickedand was very concerned as people begin doing search parties" → "panicked and were," "began"
"Cuz it didn't affect them or" → "Cuz" is too casual. "Because" or cut the line entirely.
"Her eyes dilated instantly." → Works.
"She stared at it like she belonged to it." → Creepy and effective.
"HINCH." → What is this? A sound effect? If so, format consistently (maybe "HINCH." as an onomatopoeia, but clarify what made the sound).
"The monster stepped out... slowly looking bored" → Great detail.
"ATTACK." → All caps feels like a screenplay direction. Consider italics or just "Attack," the king shouted.
Final ThoughtsThis story has a strong, creepy core. The Maria twist is genuinely original and disturbing. With a thorough edit, cleaning up grammar, expanding key scenes (especially John's death and the cave reveal), and adding period-appropriate texture, this could be a effective piece of folk horror.