Overall ImpressionThis is a solid supernatural horror opening with a classic monster, the headless rider, and a protagonist whose past victory is now haunting her. The nightmare sequence is genuinely tense, with strong sensory details and escalating dread. The shift from the dream to Carmine waking and texting Anna is handled well, and the underlying tension (Carmine hiding her fear from her supernatural friends because she's the only human) adds an interesting layer of insecurity and isolation.
That said, the piece has structural issues. The nightmare goes on too long, losing some of its impact through repetition. The transition to the waking world is abrupt, and the final exchange with Anna, while character-revealing, ends on a whimper rather than a hook. Carmine's central conflict, her fear of being seen as weak, is introduced late and doesn't fully land because we haven't seen enough of the group dynamic to understand why she feels this way.
What's WorkingThe nightmare sequence. You build dread effectively. The fog rolling in, the horse with sparks flying from its hooves, the headless rider carrying his own head, these are strong, classic horror images. The detail of the whip being "somebody's spine" is gruesome in the best way. The tension escalates cleanly from Carmine hiding to being spotted to the final attack.
Carmine waking up. The transition from dream to waking is physically rendered: "Carmine sat bolt upright in bed, breathing like she'd just run a marathon." That's a clear, visceral shift. Her frantic look around the room, the realization it was a dream, this grounds us in her reality after the heightened horror of the nightmare.
The underlying insecurity. Carmine's worry that her supernatural friends "keep her around" because she's the only human who isn't bothered by their world, and her fear that admitting her nightmares will reveal she can't handle it, is a compelling internal conflict. It makes her sympathetic and adds stakes beyond just the nightmare itself.
Anna as a character. Anna's brief appearance is efficient. Her quick replies, her direct questions ("Did something happen?"), and Carmine's deflection tell us a lot about their dynamic in a few lines.
What Needs Work1. The nightmare is too long.You have a strong opening image and a clear escalation, but the middle section of the dream drags. Once the rider is on the road, you spend several paragraphs describing him, his horse, his head, his whip, his approach, and the tension plateaus rather than builds.
Specifically:
The description of the rider and his head is detailed, but we get it in chunks. The head is introduced, then described again ("blotchy white-green head," "tiny black eyes," "jagged yellow teeth"). You could combine these into one tighter description.
The horse rearing, the whip unfurling, the hoofbeats, these are all good beats, but they're stretched out. The moment where Carmine stumbles over a tree root is effective, but by the time the rider actually strikes, the reader has been waiting for the attack for several paragraphs.
Suggestion: Cut the nightmare by about a third. Tighten the description of the rider and head into one concise image. Speed up the approach, give us the sense of lightning-fast movement rather than a slow, detailed unfolding. The dream should feel like it's rushing toward impact, not lingering.
2. The transition from nightmare to waking is abrupt.One paragraph ends with the whip crashing toward Carmine's head. The next paragraph begins with her sitting up in bed. That's functional, but it's also jarring in a way that doesn't feel intentional. You lose the moment of impact, the whip making contact, or the split second where Carmine is sure she's about to die.
Suggestion: Consider adding one beat between the whip and the waking. It could be a white flash, a sound, a sensation of impact, something that bridges the dream and reality. Even a single line like "The last thing she saw was the bone-white arc of the whip,  before cutting to her waking would create a smoother transition and make the dream feel more psychologically real.
3. Carmine's internal conflict is introduced too late and too abstractly.The line "Carmine couldn’t afford to let them know she might not be able to handle it" is the emotional core of the waking section, but it comes in the final paragraph and is delivered as summary. We haven't seen any evidence that her friends would dismiss her fear. We don't know what happened when they faced the Dullahan. We don't know why Carmine believes she has to be "the one who isn't bothered."
Suggestion: Weave this insecurity into the earlier parts of the piece. When Carmine wakes, a brief memory of how her friends reacted to the Dullahan, maybe they were unshaken, maybe they made a joke about it, would make her current isolation feel earned. Alternatively, show her scrolling through her contacts and skipping certain people because she knows they wouldn't understand. The "list of people she knew" is mentioned but never described, this is an opportunity to show her social landscape and where she feels she fits (or doesn't).
4. The ending is weak.Carmine puts her phone down and hopes she can sleep. That's a quiet, realistic ending, but for a horror piece, especially one that opens with such a vivid nightmare, it's anticlimactic. The reader is left with no sense of what comes next, no new question, no escalation. The piece just stops.
Suggestion: Give the ending a sharper hook. Options:
Carmine hears something outside her window, or sees something in her room, suggesting the nightmare isn't just in her head.
She closes her eyes and immediately sees the rider's face, implying the dream will return.
She gets another text from Anna, something that reveals Anna knows more about the nightmares than Carmine thought.
She looks at her phone again and notices the time: it's exactly the same time the dream always starts.
Right now, the piece sets up a recurring nightmare and a protagonist hiding her fear, but it doesn't give us a reason to turn the page. A final unsettling detail would change that.
5. Minor perspective issue.You're writing in close third person from Carmine's perspective, which is appropriate. But in the nightmare, you occasionally slip into descriptions that feel slightly more authorial than sensory:
The fog that had blanketed it only a minute ago parted, rolling down the hill towards her. She hoped it would help hide her, but she knew in her heart it wouldn’t.
This is fine, it's Carmine's internal thought. But later:
Carmine could practically feel the ground shake with every step the horse took.
"Practically" is a hedge. Either she feels it or she doesn't. Similarly, "Carmine wondered vaguely if it was possible to suffocate by fog" is Carmine's thought, but "vaguely" undercuts the urgency of the moment. In a nightmare, thoughts should feel sharp and panicked, not vague.
PacingThe piece has a clear three-part structure: nightmare, waking, text exchange. The nightmare takes up roughly two-thirds of the word count, the waking and text exchange one-third. That's a reasonable split, but within the nightmare, the pacing drags in the middle.
The waking section moves quickly, which is appropriate, Carmine is panicked, then trying to calm down. But the text exchange feels rushed. Carmine and Anna exchange seven short messages, and then it's over. This is where you could slow down and let Carmine's internal conflict breathe. Show her hesitating before texting. Show her deleting and retyping messages. Show her deciding what to reveal and what to hide. The brevity of the exchange undermines the weight of her decision to keep the nightmare secret.
Grammar & MechanicsThe piece is clean overall, with a few minor issues:
"It was dark outside, and Carmine was all alone." The "all" is unnecessary. "Carmine was alone" is stronger.
"In a way, she guessed she was." This is a weak ending to the first paragraph. It undercuts the tension you're building. Consider cutting it.
"The fog started to roll in, oppressive and so thick that she could barely see more than a few feet in front of her." "Oppressive" is telling. Show the fog pressing in on her, making it hard to breathe, muffling sounds. The "so thick that she could barely see" is good—let that carry the weight.
"She looked up the hill, to the road that wound through the trees above her like an oily black snake." The comma after "hill" is unnecessary. "She looked up the hill to the road" reads cleaner.
"The rider thundered around the bend, and Carmine could practically feel the ground shake with every step the horse took." As noted above, "practically" weakens the statement.
"Carmine had never had a dream as vivid as this before." This is a telling sentence. You've already shown us how vivid the dream is. Trust that and cut this line.
"Carmine and Anna had been friends since Anna moved to town freshman year." This backstory is delivered as a block. It's fine, but consider whether we need it now, or whether it could be woven in later.
Emotional ImpactThe fear in the nightmare is rendered well, the physical details, the sense of inevitability, the whip coming down. The waking section successfully conveys Carmine's lingering anxiety and her desire to reach out.
But the emotional weight of the piece rests on Carmine's isolation, and that's where it falls short. You tell us she feels like the "only human" in the group, that she can't afford to let them see her weakness, but we don't see any of that group dynamic. We see one text exchange with Anna, who seems supportive and concerned. Nothing in Anna's messages suggests she would dismiss Carmine's fear. So Carmine's worry feels like it's coming from inside her head, not from any real evidence, which is valid (anxiety doesn't need evidence), but it makes her conflict internal rather than external. That's fine for a character study, but for a horror narrative, it leaves the reader without a clear sense of what's at stake if she does tell someone.
Suggestion: Show a moment of Carmine reflecting on a past interaction that made her feel like she didn't belong. Or show her scrolling past certain contacts, people who would laugh at her, or who she knows wouldn't understand. Right now, the only person she considers contacting is Anna, who is supportive, which makes Carmine's decision to lie feel less like a calculated choice and more like a reflexive one.
Final ThoughtsThis is a competent horror opening with a strong nightmare sequence and an interesting protagonist conflict. The monster is classic, the dread is well-built, and the premise, a monster hunter haunted by the thing she killed, has legs.
To strengthen it:
Tighten the nightmare by about a third. Combine repetitive descriptions and speed up the approach of the rider.
Add a beat between the whip and the waking to smooth the transition.
Introduce Carmine's insecurity earlier and show it through action or memory, not just summary.
Give the ending a sharper hook, something that suggests the nightmare isn't just a dream.
Show more of Carmine's hesitation during the text exchange to make her emotional conflict feel lived-in.

Here is my gmail adress ylateef997@gmail.com

Hey! I just finished going through your chapter and left you some detailed, honest feedback.I really took my time with it because I can see the potential in your story, and I wanted to give you something you can actually use to improve it.If you’d like, I can continue with your next chapters or even review the full manuscript more deeply (including line edits and pacing fixes). Just let me know 👍

Hey
I came across your story and truly enjoyed it. Your writing is very visual, and I think it would translate beautifully into a webtoon or comic.
I’m a commissioned comic/manga artist and would love to create visuals based on your story if you’re interested. No pressure at all.
You can reach me on Discord (aangelinaa._) or Instagram (angelinaaalove_).
Best regards,Angelina

My favourite scene is when the Dullahan lifts his own grinning head and calls Carmine’s name. Do you think it’s truly just a nightmare, or could he somehow be back?