so check my feedback if you find it helpful kindy let me know to know how to proceed working with you

Overall First ImpressionThis reads like song lyrics rather than a book chapter, is that what you're working on? There's genuine emotion here, and the pain comes through clearly. The repetition of "help me breathe" creates a powerful anchor throughout. The piece captures that raw, post-breakup suffocation really well.
StrengthsThe emotion is authentic and visceral, readers who've been through heartbreak will connect with this
I love the line "To keep our love story as a draft", that's fresh and creative
The contrast between past confidence ("your queen") and present brokenness works well
The structure builds intensity naturally toward the bridge
Areas for ImprovementSome lines feel a bit familiar/cliché ("crying my eyes out," "heart is hurting"), consider fresher ways to express these feelings
The transition between verses and chorus could be smoother in a few spots
"Feeling freaking dumb" breaks the emotional tone a bit, the language feels casual compared to the rest
CharacterizationThe speaker comes across as someone deeply wounded by betrayal, though we don't get much sense of who they are outside this relationship. What made them a "queen" before? What did they love about themselves? Adding small details could make them feel more fully realized.
Worldbuilding/SettingNot applicable for lyrics, though burning photos is a strong visual moment that grounds us in a scene.
DialogueThere isn't direct dialogue between characters, which is fine for this format. The internal monologue is the focus.
Pacing & StructureThe chorus repeats effectively, it's catchy and reinforces the main emotion. The bridge slows things down nicely and adds weight. The breakdown feels a bit brief; it could use one more line before returning to the final chorus to really land the emotional low point.
Final ThoughtsThis has strong potential as a heartfelt breakup song. To elevate it, try swapping out a few predictable phrases for more unique imagery (like that "love story as a draft" line, more of that!). Also consider what makes this specific relationship different from any other heartbreak, that's where the magic will live.
What kind of project is this for? A song, poetry collection, or something else? Knowing that would help me give more targeted feedback!

Wow, I just wrapped up your story and I have to say, it’s incredible. The imagery in your writing is so strong, it instantly made me picture it as a comic.
I do commission-based comic art, and I’d be super excited to help bring your world to life visually if that ever interests you. I’ve already got a few ideas I think you’d love. Totally no strings attached, I just couldn’t help being inspired by your work.
I’m on Discord at (lunapuresoul) or Instagram (lunaartsoul) if you’d like to see my art or talk possibilities